STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

[btsmummy]

Hi,

Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?

Thanks

B

OP,

If you had been honest from the start, I'd hope you would have got similar responses from most posters.
What exactly was your motive in misleading people?

Thank you Tyr - I don't post often, though lurk always! Mumsnet has been a source of inspiration and help many times, even though I'm not often involved. Only post when I feel I can offer a perspective that may help.

There's no best answer, and I've experienced a lot of heartache and doing things because my daughter is the centre, even though I would want to do it otherwise. I know now it was the best thing for her.

Thank you again. Only hope it helps someone else going through the hell I went through at the time of separation when things seem black and white.

..... Moving on from the gender post issue... which can be explored elsewhere

Pombear is giving top advice. Everything including the courts outlook should be framed in ' what is in the childs best interest '

a split family is always going to involve heartache of somekind. It's finding the best way to minimise it for children. Mummy and Daddy getting on is a biggie in that respect. But sometimes it doesn't end up like that.

Despite my post I do actually have a decent relationship with my XP. It's fragile , but it pays off to be flexible and amenable. But if your XP is being unreasonable and won't budge there's little choice.

For me, or actually my daughter, I think it's hard that I don't see more of her. ' daddy please don't go ' I hear a fair bit after a weekly afternoon visit from my 2 year old.

Do your research , you'd have to go to mediation anyway before court so look into that, keep a record of all visits events etc, try and move conversations to email if possible

and again , do what is right for your child.

Tyr,

It wasn't my intention to mislead, the post is entirely factual, and as you and I have said, posting as the W or H should give the same responses. Somewhere in the thread I explained that I had posted the same in a male oriented forum, as me, so I wanted to balance that out by comparing responses to the same post, posted by the W. I did supply a link to it in the post that was removed.

...and for anyone thinking I'm living in fairy land....ex had one-night stand, then emotional affair that was much worse. I had breakdown, at same time as trying to return to full-time work .........it still can be done that you end up parenting as amicably as possible......not because you think ex is great/a bit shit/worst partner in world....but because you want the very best scenaraio for your child - they are not the ones to suffer from the crap that you have brought on each other!

Back to lurking...good luck bts - maybe stop trying to justify your postings but take on various bits of advice, breathe and get back to securing your place in your daughter's life. I wish you the best in doing so.

Thank you pombear, I wish you all the best.

Op,

The post is your perspective of someone else's position. If you do end up in court, you'll need to learn the difference between that and factual.
What your approach indicates is a devious, manipulative and dishonest nature.
Why did you want to compare responses? What kind of BS is that? What were you hoping to learn or prove? A parent fighting for contact with a child does not (if they are genuine) have the kind of cynical objectivity to indulge in those kind of mind games on internet forums.

Don't agree with tyr, I don't think it makes you manipulative and dishonest,

I would go to court and if you can't afford a solicitor then you should go to the csa and have them work out maintenance.

Access is not your wife's decision to make , if you can't agree between you then someone impartial should look at all the facts and decide in the best interest of your daughter

It can be difficult sorting out access, I'm not going to lie and say it's always been easy, I split up with ds1 dad when he was 10 months old and he was granted fri night access, which is what he wanted. Now ds1 is older he spends more time there but with his grandparents, his father hasn't been interested in the access he was granted for the last 7 years so his parents started having ds instead.

I split up with ds2 dad when he was 18 months , we struggled at first but in the end managed to agree between us, ds2 spends weekends there and I worked then so ds 2 didn't have to spend so much time in nursery. I did struggle with access every other Xmas eve but exh has as much right to have ds over Xmas as I do, and ds has the right to spend that time with his dad

OP is still maintaining that his little creative writing exercise from his wife's perspective is 'entirely factual'? It is not! This belief, taken alongside the covertly taped calls and the house entry without permission, strikes me as pretty creepy behaviour.

Seriously, imagine having to deal with this guy in real life. Poor woman.

Exactly.
He also dismisses everything we raise as being a potential issue for her.
He claims his ex is 'OK' with letting himself into the house

He is being supported in wanting to see his daughter more.
He is not being supported in using manipulative tactics.

People suspect it is more about controlling his ex than he wants us to believe

I've reported your post middlesex. twat.

WTF, middlesex?

Hardly middlesex - OP is a dad.....

Perhaps you ought to read the whole thread, middlesex, and if you think you recognise any details from RL, then you keep quiet about it.

I am deeply suspicious of a father who wants shared care as soon as solicitors get involved. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

OK let's get real with the court cases here.

Here's a very common scenario that have F4J reaching for their batman suits with their wall climbing tackle. Its happened to a friend of mine, so by far from a rarity.

Dad goes to court to request an increase in contact. Solicitors letter lands on mothers mat. Mother thinks screw you, if you want the courts to settle it them let's bring it on.

All contact is refused between child and father. Circa two month wait to get into court, Dad is devastated.

Court hearing comes mother accuses father of neglectful/abusive parenting CAFCASS get appointed for investigations. Months have now passed, child hasn't seen their father cue order for supervised sessions for CRAPCASS to observe the meetings, more reports more hearings.

Mum ignores the orders, Dad goes back gets penal notices attached, Mum ignores the threat then a judge has to decide whether to jail the mother, change residency both would not been deemed in the best interest of the child.

I think that anyone who is advising a parent to go court really should be aware of the pitfalls. They're very dangerous places where --Crapcass_ Cafcass the decision makers don't have to have any more training than a traffic warden.

If she brought into the home 75% of the equity, she'll most likely be awarded 75% out there is no such thing an automatic 50 50 split.

If the parents want to do right by the child they'd be best advised to sort it out themselves unless all avenues have been exhausted which they haven't been as regular contact is still happening.

he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care

Why now OP? What's the reason for wanting the change as the solicitors are getting involved?

That's not what was said, mitmoo. He asked for more contact, and at that point his ex said "get a solicitor."

Presumably any payments to the ex would also be reduced significantly if custody was shared 50/50.

Clam the op said "I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings." If you start divorce proceedings that generally means you are taking legal advice.

At that same point the OP wants shared care after 4 years of being happy with contact, which would just coincidentally mean neither party would be responsible for maintenance or if one is found to be it would most likely be a nominal sum.

Which is why I asked why as soon as solicitors are involved does he want to change contact after 4 years to shared care.

Cornflower it would probably cancel it out for both parties.

Mitmoo,

That was a pretty accurate summary of what usually happens when proceedings start.
I think you have been a bit unfair to traffic wardens though.

I think it's fair to assume that the OP is not the reasonable, straight-forward person they imagine themselves to be.