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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

492 replies

fivecandles · 11/09/2011 08:50

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
fivecandles · 12/09/2011 18:53

'Well there was very very probably (almost certainly, in fact) some sort of compromise - but you didn't want to compromise.'

Emsy, I'm not sure if you've been reading what I've been writing. I didn't want a big wedding. I didn't want any fuss. I didn't want a church wedding. There was never going to be a way to compromise. And I don't get why dh and I have to have the wedding other people wanted instead of the wedding we wanted. If you take this attitude where do you draw the line?

OP posts:
MindyMacready · 12/09/2011 18:54

YANBU.

Gawd, so much projection going on here! You had the wedding of your choice, unsurprisingly someone was upset (aren't they always), but the OTT reaction of your MIL & some of the hysterical postings here...

I don't think there is much more you can/should do. Let it lie and hopefully your MIL will get over herself.

Original poster
fivecandles · 12/09/2011 18:57

'You knew it wouldnt be what they wanted therefore you dodn't tell them. SURELY that counts as being able to anticipate their reaction???'

I don't think that's fair. We knew the ILs would put us under enormous pressure to have a big wedding which we didn't want. On the other hand we thought they would be happy we were married and be able to see that as the most important thing and something to celebrate.

OP posts:
emsyj · 12/09/2011 18:58

Sorry, but I don't believe for a moment that you didn't think your ILs would mind about your wedding. If you thought that, you wouldn't have kept it a secret.

I don't think what I said is peculiar at all. I didn't say that your wedding caused other people expense or inconvenience. I was simply likening your disregard for the feelings of others to the disregard some other brides have for their guests and families, which commonly includes disregard for the expense and inconvenience of guests who are attending their wedding.

I think actually it is a lot more peculiar to suggest that you had no idea that not inviting your ILs to your wedding (whilst at the same time inviting your friends) would cause any hurt.

emsyj · 12/09/2011 19:01

"There was never going to be a way to compromise. And I don't get why dh and I have to have the wedding other people wanted instead of the wedding we wanted. If you take this attitude where do you draw the line?"

Really?? Absolutely no way to compromise? Well, ok. You win. You did absolutely the right thing and nobody can criticise you for it.

Original poster
fivecandles · 12/09/2011 19:02

'Because they're different people and have different ideas and different feelings.'

That's really my point. The ILs didn't have to react in the way they did. There are other ways. And what makes my own parents less important than DH's? I've explained my father is very ill and that they would have hated the fuss just as much as DH and I would.

'You have expressed disappointment with their reactions, come on be honest - you are offended that your MIL hasn't congratulated you personally, you think they should respect your choices and be happy for you etc. So perhaps not 'dictating' but certainly being annoyed with their feelings and reactions.'

Look, I have said many times I can understand and respect that they were hurt but I don't think that anybody on this thread thinks that their reaction was in any way reasonable.

OP posts:
verylittlecarrot · 12/09/2011 19:02

Hardcheese, a lot of posters see a distinction between "a low-key, plainclothes registry office wedding, with witnesses off the street" and what the OP did.

Which was a wedding with friends and their families as guests. Children as bridesmaids. A celebratory meal. Parents excluded.

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2011 19:04

OP, isn't all this upsetting you? I wouldn't want to come online and argue my case like that. You had the wedding you wanted, your in-laws weren't happy about it and now you're getting worked up defending yourself on here. (Every OP of an AIBU thread gets worked up - it's the nature of the thread!)

Original poster
fivecandles · 12/09/2011 19:04

'Sorry, but I don't believe for a moment that you didn't think your ILs would mind about your wedding. If you thought that, you wouldn't have kept it a secret.'

emsy, are you accusing me of lying?? How odd. You think you know better what dp and I felt than we did.

There is a big difference between not telling them because we didn't want the pressure to invite the whole world and marry in a church and thinking they would actually go ballistic.

OP posts:
SherlockHolmes · 12/09/2011 19:07

YANBU AT ALL! It's your life and you do what you want with it. If we all lived our lives the way our parents wanted, I dread to think what the world would be like!

DH and I did exactly the same (although didn't even tell the DCs). Everyone was delighted for us. If they were upset about it, they kept it to themselves, which is as it should be.

You shouldn't take it as an insult if your child doesn't invite you to their marriage ceremony; if you do then you certainly don't tell them that. You smile and act happy - anything else is just behaving selfishly and a tad childishly IMO. Congratulations by the way Grin.

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fivecandles · 12/09/2011 19:09

Dandy, we are talking about MY wedding to DH so really DH's and my views about what's big and what isn't are the only ones that count.

OP posts:
SherlockHolmes · 12/09/2011 19:10

Just like to add that I expect your MIL would have been just as upset if you'd had a big wedding and not invited Aunty X and cousin Y and wore the wrong colours blah blah blah. You can't win!

Ragwort · 12/09/2011 19:10

Thanks for all the feedback fivecandles - can I just ask what your DH thinks about his mother's reaction?

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cereal · 12/09/2011 19:11

YANBU. It wouldn't be my choice as I love family get-togethers, but it's entirely up to you, of course!

SherlockHolmes · 12/09/2011 19:12

We had friends as witnesses (but they don't have children). We went out for a drink with them afterwards.

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fivecandles · 12/09/2011 19:13

'You have to accept that your IL's are casualities in this and that they have acted in a way you can't control.'

Erm, I have accepted that. I am sorry they are upset.

What would I like them to do next? I would like them to appreciate our reasons for marrying the way we did. I would like them to separate their feelings about our wedding from their feelings about not being invited and be able to see that actually the wedding is the most important thing in the long run and a positive thing.

TBH that doesn't seem like much to ask. I am not asking them not to be hurt but to try to understand why we did what we did and to try and be happy for us.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMontdore · 12/09/2011 19:13

OP - I think your PILS reaction was reasonable in light of the shoddy way you have treated them.

Many people have pointed out that getting married on your own is different from getting married with friends and friends family and then going out afterwards. You don't seem to understand the difference.

Do you really not understand why your PILs feel totally rejected?

Gosh, this thread is really getting to me now. Don't post in AIBU if think you are not BU, don't get uppity if not everyone agrees with you.

emsyj · 12/09/2011 19:14

I don't really get why you are still here justifying yourself? I think what you did was hurtful to your ILs and yes, possibly spending days in bed wailing is a bit of an odd reaction from your MIL, but what are you going to do about it now? A couple of people have asked what it is you want to happen next, perhaps if you work out what that is you can move forward with it.

I still think you were U to do what you did (invite friends but not parents - not the concept of having a private wedding per se, but the snub of inviting your friends and not inviting parents) but it doesn't really matter what I think, just what you are going to do to smooth it over. And you really do need to smooth it over, or else you will end up like me with your face on a dartboard at your ILs house Sad.

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fivecandles · 12/09/2011 19:16

DH upset too. He's had his own difficult conversations with them and reached a point of agreeing to disagree. They threatened not to speak to him again and only speak to our children. FWIW, then his dad started talking about football Confused. Don't know if it would have come up again. Only MIL wrote to me to tell me how upset she was to see us looking happy in the photos.

OP posts:
Original poster
fivecandles · 12/09/2011 19:18

A'nd you really do need to smooth it over'

I have said I'm sorry. We have offered to take ILs out for dinner. We suggested as soon as we told them that we would have a party at which we'd invite all friends and family.

Please can I remind you that it's the ILs that threatened not to speak to us again.

OP posts: