to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

[fivecandles]

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

How long has it been since the wedding?

Have you actually spoken directly to your MIL and appologised?

If you haven't then it is you who isn't speaking to her, because she sent you a card.

You are the one who has caused the upset so you are the one who has to take the first step to reconcilation, which you should do for your children.

That would upset me, too, tbh.

It would be like having my face pushed in it.

And yes, I would have tried to look happy for them, but all along I'd be thinking, "Christ, I gave birth to you and you didn't even want me at your wedding? What kind of relationship have we got, that you'd rather not have me there?"

'how do you know they haven't done that that thought? '

What I'm supposed to be a mindreader now? They did ranting and raving, sent a card and then carried on ranting and raving. Together with a nice line in ranting and raving via a sibling.

So, no, I haven't seen a great deal of goodwill there.

I think they're being very selfish, like they have a RIGHT to be at your wedding. They don't, and they shouldn't be acting the way they are. I think I'd have to tell them to grow up a bit.

How many people did you actually have at your wedding?

'apologise properly'

I'm sorry they're upset but that's not my fault. They are responsible for their behaviour and their reactions and not me. They could choose another path which would be to be happy for their son and daughter in law.

I don't see why they needed to be present at our wedding any more than they needed to be present at the birth of our children and yet they accepted that that was a happy event.

1 witness each, their spouses and their young children so 6 people.

It is a legal requirement to have 2 witnesses. We didn't want to pull people off the street. We had our own children to consider and they would have found that very peculiar. We also wanted our children to remember our wedding as a special occasion.

OP - I am having a change of heart about this.

I've been rereading, and this has been going on for weeks according to your first post. How many weeks?

How long has it been since the wedding and how long after the wedding did you send the photo. How long has it been since your MIL replied?

Because I was thinking it was only a couple of weeks. Now it sounds like it has been a few more than that.

I still think they have a right to feel hurt and excluded, and to some extent they have a right to try and explain to you how and why they feel the way they do.

But my in-laws are also the type to cry for weeks, to threaten to end relationships, to blackmail and manipulate. It was only last year, in the week between Christmas and New Year, that they disowned my DH because we went for tea at his sisters house and they felt we had snubbed them by spending time with her instead of them. They told DH he was a "tiny part of their lives that was over now" and threw various insults at us along the lines of us thinking we were better than them, that we are liars and that we take advantage of them.

My MIL also tells everyone she knows about how hurt and offended she is and how she is blameless in the rift that has occurred between us (not so).

So I know how exhausting it can be when someone drags something out for weeks or months, when it could have been resolved in a much shorter time.

You are right. There is a big difference between saying something like "you look so happy in the photo's, I wish I had seen you" and "I'm so upset because you look so happy and we were not invited!" or whatever it was she said.

But you have wrong-footed yourself now. You might be absolutely right about their reaction if you had told them beforehand. The fact that you didn't has given them the chance to deny that and put all the blame on the two of you for never giving them the chance to react any other way.

My MIL has denied her wrongdoing so often I think she has convinced herself she is telling the truth and that it is all me, even though her behaviour has been directed at my DH too, and we have witnesses to some of it. She could pass one of Jeremy Vile's lie detectors now, so convinced has she become from her own lies. Your MiL may be doing the same thing ("We would never have forced you/pressured/demanded anything..").

'That would upset me, too, tbh.

It would be like having my face pushed in it.'

TBH, I find that a very strange reaction. If you love your kids why would you not be hapyp for them. We are in our 40s and have been together for 13 years.

I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for some of your kids if you really think that your happiness should come before theirs even when they're in their 40s.

I would be really hurt if DP and i weren't invited to any of our DCs weddings.

I would of course have to get over it but it wouldn't stop me feeling hurt.

I would rather they invited total strangers to be witnesses than friends and their families and left our family out including their brothers and sister.

Wait till it's your own DC and see how you feel.

Her words were You look very happy in the photos. It really upset us.

Personally, I found that combination of sentences upsetting because it makes it sound like she was upset because we were happy.

The wedding was about 3 months ago. The reason we haven't seen them is because they couldn't give us a date when they were free.

Oh, and I've had the sibling ranting and raving too.

And apparently PILs were cross when they found out.

It was still just as much their fault that he got involved.

They chose to tell him I was a liar who made up every offensive thing MIL has said and done and who just chose to abuse them out of the blue for no reason.

They are his parents. He knows they are not perfect but he still will believe his mother when she cries for hours on end and sounds so convincing about it all.

So he chose to make abusive texts and telephone calls, to call me a fucking evil mad bitch, to say I have split up his family (the family he totally ignored on Christmas day, even eating in his bedroom to avoid us), to call me a liar, to disown his brother and to rant and rave and swear at all hours of the day and night for several days.

But he wouldn't have known about half the things he said, or formed the opinion that I had lied about them, if MIL hadn't told him in the first place and he wouldn't have called if she had admitted to doing them in the first place.

So you have my sympathies there too.

Look. the point is this. Your mil is religious. SO for her the actual ceremony does mean something. and she probably sees the ceremony as a union of two families, not just too people. You disagree, and neither of you comprehend the other's viewpoint. You try to make her feel better by offering a party, but that feels like a poor second to her.
As for saying she's upset you looked happy - it means she's sad there was a joyous occasion that she could not share.
Now you dont see you've done anything wrong. She doesn't see what she did wrong that meant her son didn't invite her to his wedding. You just both have very, very different attitudes. You are not wrong, but neither is she.

Not Christmas day, Christmas dinner, which we had with them a few days early, but with all the family present except BIL, who skulked in the bedroom to avoid everyone.

Dandy, that's not what she said. She hasn't actually said anything remotely positive at all. The first thing she said to dp was 'We're not getting any younger, we haven't slept, we're very upset'. And she's not said anything to put that right. Yes, she's sent a card but not with a message. And then she continued the theme of how upset SHE is. She's not said ANYTHING positve.

Mabe she was upset because you both didn't want her there to join in with yours and your DCs happiness.

I totally accept that some people have parents who they don't like and are estranged from but if you do have a relationship with them then i can see how they would be hurt.

I expect your DC were all dressed up and lovely and the PIL would have liked to be a part of the happy day.