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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a night out with out DH

109 replies

heathermumof3 · 10/09/2011 21:28

Next Friday I am going to see a very known stand up. I am going with a couple of girls from work. However they are wanting to have a few drinks before and after. Normally if we go out my DH comes with me just down to the local.

Now if I do manage to get out I normally get my parents to watch the kids. This is so the DH does not pull his face and also I can have a little lie in to get over a hangover over.

But next Friday my mum can't watch the kids. My DH says he us fine going to the stand up but does not want me having a drink after as I he says I shouldn't be late home.

I'm gutted as looking forward to letting my hair down a little. AIBU to want to stay out a little late and have a few drinks.

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 10/09/2011 22:42

If my parents have the kids and I go out on my own he still wants me in early. He is like this every time (which is not many) when I want to go out. He causes arguments so then I say fuck it I'm not going.

So he just wants you home because he wants you home, no other reason. That's controlling and he usually wins as to avoid an argument you don't go out at all. If you do go then you are threatened with being locked out all night if you are not home by the curfew he set you.

You're not a child, you are a fully grown woman!

Original poster
heathermumof3 · 10/09/2011 22:43

Also got a holiday coming up in November and don't want to spoil it for the kids so divorce is not a option. Well not a option for now if he carriers on.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 10/09/2011 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuppence2 · 10/09/2011 22:43

Your grounds for divorce, since you asked, would be emotional bullying and controlling behaviour!
You're a grown woman wishing to leave her kids with their dad to have a night out with her friends. I'd understand his pov if you were doing this most nights a week, but you're not.
He is trying to control you! plain and simple. you can go out, but can't have a drink afterwards, if you do, he will lock you out?! that not reasonable or rational behaviour!
As your husband, should he not be encouraging you to go out, to enjoy yourself with people other than himself?! Not trying to get you to turn round and cancel your plans?!

TrillianAstra · 10/09/2011 22:44

So he is unpleasant to you and so you do as he says because you don't want the argument.

It's like giving in to a toddler having a tantrum - they learn that that is the best way to get what they want.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 10/09/2011 22:46

How about next time he does this, you arrange for your mum to have the kids, stay out as long as you like, he can do the whole key in the door trick, and you stay at your mums. That way you wake up with the kids, everyone's happy (except your H).
Job done.

buzzskillington · 10/09/2011 22:46

It's very simple. You go out. Tell him you'll be back when you're back and if he is stupid enough to lock you out, then you'll go to a friend's instead.

If he is the sort of person who would deliberately lie to your children and say he doesn't know where you are in the morning, then he's not worth your love.

shakey1500 · 10/09/2011 22:46

Can you not arrange to stay at one of your friends? It's very controlling/sulky behaviour to be honest. Sorry but even if thus far I'd backed down and stayed in, THIS time I would stop at at a friends and wander back around 11am next day. And enjoy myself.

manticlimactic · 10/09/2011 22:46

Well if the kids ask you where you were tell them the truth. Their dad locked you out.

What a knob, him not you.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 10/09/2011 22:48

He sounds like my ex. If I wasn't home when he wanted me to be he would throw out my belongings as punishment. It escalated and he ended physically harming me. He beat me up, bit me etc.

He used to make such a fuss about me going out that I would often not bother to avoid the arguments just like you.

buzzskillington · 10/09/2011 22:48

You could take someone else (mum?) on the holiday, and all have a whale of the time.

Original poster
heathermumof3 · 10/09/2011 22:53

You are all right. He is such a controlling knob. He has to change or he is out. Wr have not been married 3 years yet Sad

I am a very easy target and let myself get treated like a mug. I need to grow a backbone. You see I know all these things but carry on. He belittle's me all the time and makes me feel like I'm am worthless. These are the bad times.

The good times are he is a good dad he loves me. He can make me laugh and we have made a family together. These are just a few things.

I need to change things in my life. Yes this thread was about going out but it is much more deeper. Sad

He has said some very hurtful things tonight. I need to try and stand up for my self and make him stop his behvouir before it is too late.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 10/09/2011 22:54

If you're not happy with the state of affairs as they are, and leaving him isn't an option for you, you can either accept he's like that and get on with it (ie you're choosing to stay with him and will fall in with his behaviour), or you can change the way you respond and not let him treat you like this.

What have you got to lose changing the way you respond? Sounds like he'll have a cob on regardless of what you do.

pictish · 10/09/2011 22:55

You can't make him stop his behaviour OP, you can only decide what YOU will tolerate and stick to it!

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 10/09/2011 22:56

"He's a good dad". Yes but he's a pretty crap husband, and that's what counts. Your kids won't be happy if you're not.

buzzskillington · 10/09/2011 22:57

You might find this thread useful (in 'relationships').

TidyDancer · 10/09/2011 22:59

I always see the line "but he's a good dad" on these types of threads.

Heather, given the level of 'crap' he is on as a husband, the by-product of that is that he is not being a good dad. A good dad treats the mother of their children with love and respect.

Is yours doing that?

Sorry to be blunt, but you are married to a knob cheese.

Dialsmavis · 10/09/2011 23:00

Sad how old are your DC Heather?

AgentZigzag · 10/09/2011 23:01

Have you been able to talk to your mum/any family about the way he treats you heather?

What do they make of it if you have?

AfternoonDelight · 10/09/2011 23:02

What a dickhead.

That's so controlling it's untrue. I'd be staying at a friends/booking a bnb for the night and to hell with him.

Original poster
heathermumof3 · 10/09/2011 23:06

My dc are 8,3 & 20 month.

I can't speak to any one as it is embarrassing. If I ran to my mum on every argument I would be always there. I just get on with it. My parents helped us out with money for the wedding and the house so if any thing where to happen I would feel like I have let them down. I don't tell my parents anything as I don't want to disappoint them that I fell for, married and had a family with a knob. Sad

OP posts:
Dialsmavis · 10/09/2011 23:09

Oh sweetheart they are picking up on all of this and will be learning about how relationships work. How log have you been together? Has he only been a twat since you got married?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 10/09/2011 23:09

You say you've been married 3 years though so does that mean you were together for years before marrying or is your oldest with a previous partner?

Original poster
heathermumof3 · 10/09/2011 23:11

Married 3 years in December and together 7 years in December. He always has been moody became worse after we got married.

OP posts:
Dialsmavis · 10/09/2011 23:12

If your eldest isn't his child then that is still no excuse. My ex was just like your DH and i would give to stop him being so fucking nasty. But my lovely DP is happy to look after my DS (who is 8 too) because we are family and I deserve a life of my own.