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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my son he has ADHD?

132 replies

HairyBeaver · 09/09/2011 22:08

Hi my 6 year old son has just started year 2 at school and just been diagnoised with ADHD.

His main issues are with hyperactivity, impulsiveness and his major issue is lack of concentration. He has to have one to one teaching or he won't do any work as he goes off with the fairies.

His not a naughty boy and only gets into trouble at school for shouting out, not sitting still etc, classic actions which come from his above actions.

I'm due to go to a day course next month with the local ADHD/mental health team to learn new parenting skills to help him at home. I've also asked his new teacher for a meeting with her and the SENCO to see how badly he is behind in his school work (was told he was last term) and how to get him back up to his level.

Now do I tell him he has this condition? Would he be able to process and understand this?

So really its more of a WWYD?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
HairyBeaver · 09/09/2011 22:09

*issues, not actions Angry

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 09/09/2011 22:14

do tell him. if you look hard enough there will be literature that deals with exactly this type of situation.
my son is almost 20, and has aspergers, dyspraxia and dyslexia.

knowing for him was a huge relief and explained for him why he was "different" and he learned that was ok.

i recently worked with an adult who was only just diagnosed at 34. she simply couldnt except her dx at all and it made life very very difficult for her, she lost her job in the end as she couldnt accept her disability or the adjustments she would need to enable her to work to her potential.

do tell him. matter of factly and gently. and look for literature to help explain it all at such a tender age.
good luck!

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/09/2011 22:15

*btw - i told my lad when he was dx at 7 years of age. he managed this info just fine.

justaboutstillhere · 09/09/2011 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HairyBeaver · 09/09/2011 22:18

Thank you! I'm glad your son was able to accept his DX and could "move on" and tackle it. I hope my DS will cope just as well.

Will go to library on Monday to search Smile

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 09/09/2011 22:18

I thought about this alot when ds1 was 7 and got diagnosed with Aspergers. I can totally see why you are finding this difficult!

I was worried that if I told him, he would take it as an excuse to not bother trying to talk to people, instead of learning that although he isn't interested and truly doesn't see the point of saying hello just because someone says it to you, that's wht you have to do!

His Granny also said we should just tell him that he is extra special, along with lots of other mushy crap, but I didn't want that, I wanted it to be as low key as possible, because although he is definately different, he's not that different.

I didn't tell him at first, but after a while I began to think that I should. He was aware that he was someohow different to other children, and I wanted him to know why, so he could begin to understand his differences, and understand others. I just told him his brain worked a little differently, and was very matter of fact about it. I think it has helped him to know, but I needed to be ready to tell him iyswim.

How would you feel about waiting until you have had your meetings so you can get some other opinions or advice. There is a need to tell him imo, but not straight away, there is no hurry.

Original poster
HairyBeaver · 09/09/2011 22:26

Yes I feel exactly the same! Also that he may think he's a "freak", for want of a better word, as his a very sensitive boy.

I've just seen on eBay lots of books and fiddle toys for him to use at carpet time etc.

I just feel totally out of my depth and think I will wait till I have seen the relevant people. Hopefully they will give me the support and confidence I need to see this through Sad

OP posts:
ouryve · 09/09/2011 23:28

I bought the book "All Dogs Have ADHD" for DS1 (7) and we talk about the difference in him before he had medication compared with now and about the things he used to find so difficult (like forming a sentence, since he also has ASD. He's quite articulate, now.)

BusterGut · 10/09/2011 00:29

As a teacher - NO!!!
Children use their 'special needs behaviour' to account for any 'normal' naughty behaviour. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are not old enough to understand. They are too young (and haven't enough empathy) to understand that other people are different to them, so how can they understand their ASD/ADHD?

raffle · 10/09/2011 00:38

Fuck me Buster, I'm almost speechless - thank Christ on his bike that you are no where near my Son in your capacity as a teacher.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/09/2011 00:41

sorry buster but you are a plank. a prize plank in fact, and the kind of teacher who probably made my sons life a living hell through school.

i feel that my son has and always has had a right to understand his own differences, to have those explained to him and this enabled him to understand why the things that happened to him did happen to him, why he couldnt ride a bike when all his peers could, or catch a ball and have everyone laugh at him in Pe lessons, why he couldnt go out and play alone when his friends could, why he was mugged in the street because he "looked vulnerable" and why he was attacked by a group of youths who called him a "spac" and why he was bullied and ridiculed, and he needed to know that absolutely none of that was his fault but the fault of ignorant people such as you.

would you keep important medical information from an adult?

the only people i have known who had their dx kept from them both went completely off the rails when they found out, (and trust me - they will find out) and blamed their parents for not telling them

my son is now 19 years old, he is doing a degree, he has a part time job and has never, ever "used" his dx to explain away "naughty" behaviour.

but there is a difference between an excuse and an explanation.

do you have any experience of parenting a child with special needs? i have two children - one with SN and one without and i am a very proud mother of them both, they are both fantastic people and if you for one moment think that withholding a fundamental piece of information on who they are is the way to go then i feel you are very much mistaken. and probably a crap teacher.

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/09/2011 00:46

DS1 got his asd diagnosis aged 4, I've always been open with him. He is almost 8 now and has never tried to use his DISABILITY (special needs behaviour??) to get away with "normal" naughty behaviour.

I'm so glad none of the teachers he has had have ever thought this way, and that he has a fantastic SENCO and HT that have been there for every step.

He is also quite aware others are different to him, and he would be quite distressed if he didn't know why. So long as he has a rational reason for something he is quite chilled about it.

UterusUterusGhali · 10/09/2011 00:47

Everyone I know who has had a DX has felt relief that they could put a name on their difference.

Best tell him now IMO so he can have his lifetime to adjust to how he is, and why.

Good luck.
xx

tabulahrasa · 10/09/2011 00:49

IME what you absolutely don't want is for him to feel like a 'freak' without knowing why he feels different.

My DS has AS and his diagnosis came as a massive relief to him as the issues were there whether he had a diagnosis or not, the diagnosis gave him a reason for his issues and his self-esteem is so much better now.

It's not a get out clause for behaviour, he knows that he finds some things more difficult but he also knows that that just means he has to work at it.

cory · 10/09/2011 00:51

BusterGut Sat 10-Sep-11 00:29:25
"As a teacher - NO!!!
Children use their 'special needs behaviour' to account for any 'normal' naughty behaviour. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are not old enough to understand. They are too young (and haven't enough empathy) to understand that other people are different to them, so how can they understand their ASD/ADHD?"

Are you seriously saying that a 6yo wouldn't notice how all his friends can do things that he can't?

My ds (different SN) started saying "I am not very clever", "I am not like the other children in the class" when he was four. And he is not an unusually bright or observant child- but he couldn't help seeing what was staring him in the face.

Or do you think the risk that he might excuse naughtiness by his disability matters more than the the risk that he will think of himself as being naughtier than all the other children because of his SN?

If you really do not believe that a 6yo can understand about SN, then I do wonder how much you know about the children you teach.

startail · 10/09/2011 00:53

Bustagut, what rubbish!
Six is not too young to realise you are different and to be unhappy that you can't do things others can. Nor is it too young to understand that this means something's will require more effort.
My dyslexic DD1 understands why she finds reading and written work hard, that doesn't mean she doesn't try.
Not to explain to her and just let her think she was stupid (especially as she has a younger sister who is pretty much top in literacy) would simply be cruel.
You can't have a Y3 correcting a Y6 without them both understanding why.

startail · 10/09/2011 00:56

I have no idea where that ' came from.
We need a sorry using an iPod symbol.

ViviPru · 10/09/2011 00:58

As shocked and baffled by busters views as everyone else. OP, you sound like you have a great attitude and while you're being honest about feeling out of your depth, I get the feeling from the things you've said that you're more than equipped to manage.

Mr. ViviPru was diagnosed as an adult, it was such a massive relief and our only regret was that he hadn't had his diagnosis sooner as it might have saved many of the difficulties he experienced as a child. You must feel like you have a mountain to climb but please, if you can, see this as a blessing. Mr. VP was told he was one of the most extreme undiagnosed cases that the specialist had ever worked with, but has overcome most of the negative challenges posed by the condition and learned to capitalise on the many positive attributes it brings. He's now successfully running his own business, we have a happy and stable relationship and I wouldn't change him for the world.

All the best for the future :)

BusterGut · 10/09/2011 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 10/09/2011 01:33

BusterGut
I'd throw a chair if you were my teacher.

OP Yes tell your DC, there are some brilliant books that can help explain aimed at the child also books for parents to read with lots of behavior management strategies.

Your DC will recognise that he is different so understanding why will definitely help him.

AmberLeaf · 10/09/2011 01:35

ps WTF is a 'disability voucher'?!

New one on me......did he also mention the 'free car'?

tabulahrasa · 10/09/2011 01:38

Oh oh, using it as an excuse, bad parenting and benefits all in one post...

House!

raffle · 10/09/2011 01:50

Buster - you are EXACTLY the reason why I worry about my Son entering FT education. Please please please go and EDUCATE yourself on ASD conditions.

raffle · 10/09/2011 01:56

And Buster, thank your lucky stars that you are not my Son's teacher because I would ensure you and your ignorant ways were kicked the fuck out of my boy's school. The word 'despair' does not encapsulate my feelings. Am truly gutted about the standard of teaching staff today if you are any type of yardstick.

purplemurple · 10/09/2011 02:33

BUSTERGUT - I know that my ASD child dud not want to write today and he made a fuss - this was not a syndrome-related behaviour but a 'I don't want to do this' behaviour!) this was not a syndrome-related behaviour but a 'I don't want to do this' behaviour!)

I presume you are referring to a child that you teach who HAS ASD, not YOUR ASD child. Have you taught this child in previous years?

You really need to get some understanding of ASD, especially if you are going to give your PROFESSIONAL opinion. There could be numerous syndrome- related behaviour that make a dc reluctant to write. Fine motor skills, aching hand after a sentence, perfectionism, mind going faster than hand can write,

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-sense/200911/handwriting-and-fine-motor-skills-new-insights-autism

www.autism-help.org/comorbid-dysgraphia-autism.htm

Quote from another chid who has been told he has ASD - 'My mum is getting disability vouchers because of me and I'm getting a Kindle' Aged 8.) WTF has that got to do with anything?