To think that my house purchaser is a ....

[FellatioNelson]

full on mentalist?

There are so many things to tell you I need to drip feed them. First, I warned her that as it is a very old house there are bats in the attic, as there are in most old country houses. You never see them, except outside, at dusk. You never hear them. But they are there, and they are protected. She asked if she could come and stand in my loft with a torch to see if any of them swooped around her, because she couldn't cope if they did, and she was worried they might escape into the house.

Then there were the gyspies that we don't have. Our house is surrounded by privately owned (not by us) land. She started to worry that our next door neighbour who owns the land might allow gypsies onto it. I said that the very reason he bought the land around his house (some from the farmer and some from the church) is to make sure that gypsies wouldn't go on it at any point in the future. Keeping some control, see? I have never seen a gypsy within ten miles of here. But still she fretted. And fretted.

And there is more......

If you've exchanged then you've nowt to worry about - I'd give her a 2-3 hour time period where she has to get all the tradespeople round in one go, otherwise it'll have to wait till she's moved in.

Are you confident she's not going to pull out at the last minute? My mum had someone like this when they were selling, lots of messing about then changed her mind. The estate agents said she'd done it to about 4 sellers in a row.

I don't think she sounds 'full on mentalist'. She just wants to enjoy her new home.

Fired Earth bathrooms sounds nice. Come on OP - you've got a ten year old white suite from B&Q in there at the moment haven't you?

You are the mentalist. The first rule of living in a house with bats is
No One Talks About The Bats.

coooooooooooooome baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

I've just started a nicotine lozenge and put off bedtime, so this better be good. That's me here for another 30 minutes

actually Merrylegs has a point. I think I heard mices squeaking this evening. Don't think I'll tell our buyer about them, though

I suppose its a good thing to humour her because if she does discover something after you've exchanged you'll never be rid of her or letters from her solicitor!!

I'm back sorry, urgent business to attend to. Yes, all these measuring people have come since exchange of contracts. I don't mind one or two, but that many is a tad excessive I think. I am moving abroad, my DH has already gone and I am left alone (poor me) to handle the whole thing by myself so I am really vair busy and stressed and do not have time for this stuff.

So. Ten days away from moving day, she says 'do you mind if I have my new fridge delivered and plumbed in on next Monday? Only they only deliver to your area on Mondays and I don't want to wait a whole week longer.

'Er, ok', I say, but I cannot agree to sit in a wait for it all day, I may need to go out. I am vair busy and stressed you know and I am all alone (poor me.)

'Oh, that's ok, I wanted to come and see you about a few things anyway, so I'll come over and I'll just wait.....'

'What? For an all day delivery slot'? I say.

'Well, I've asked for a morning delivery. They can't guarantee it though. But I'll wait. By the way could my gardener come over that day as make a start on your garden?'

And there's more....

Sheesh

oh fuuuuuuck!

a tenner says she'll want to kip there the night before too, if it's a 7 till 7 slot!

stick her up with the bats

You most definitely don't want her in your house all morning waiting for your delivery and I'd not let her do anything to the garden until she moves in. She sounds unhinged.

I concur.

She is going all Single White Female on you.

A mentalist indeed.

Release The Bats!

Yes, she's bonkers, where do you put your fridge and fridge stuff while hers in now in place?

Just Say No.

NooooNooooNooooooooo.

Buut it is tempting to suggest that you are the crazy one for letting her do this. Sure, we all want to have our fridges delivered to our new houses a week before we move in. We can't, though, BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS LIVING THERE.

For the next bit, you have to know that most of my furniture has now been shipped abroad. Visualise very empty hall with dirty peeling paint behind where a mahoosive armoire thingy used to be.

So, I say ok to the gardener on account of my DH being gone and me being all alone (poor me) and vair busy and it saves me worrying about who will mow the lawn. So I say 'If you've seen me about stuff, and the fridge still isn't here, you can go, and I can go out if I need to, and the gardener can let the fridge in.'

'Oh that's a good idea, because he does odd jobs for me as well, and I was thinking of asking him to touch up that bit of paint behind where your armoire thingy was. Can you tell me the paint colour and I'll go a and buy some.'

And there's more....

I'm worried now at Fellatio disappearing for chunks of time

you don't think...

???

[scared]

Noooooo!! You're not seriously going to let her sit in your house all morning when you're not there?!?!? She'll start redecorating!!

oh phew

x post

she'll be in your bed when you get home

wearing your pyjamas

She sounds brilliant! Please tell us more stories. And have a on me.

Btw, bats will swoop if you disturb them - the most sustained and high-pitched shriek I've ever heard came from my 20-year-old brother when he went in our loft and turned on the light to find one, wings outstretched, coming in a few inches in front of his face.

oh dear ive had to comment just so i can read the rest .....

Oh good lord, I think there is already bats in her belfry, never mind the ones in your roof!

awww nuts

just been summoned upstairs by my lord and master

night all

So I said no to the painting thing on account of that being more cheeky than fucking Cheeky McFucking Cheek. So she said, oh ok, I understand.

Anyway, she came on monday (with the gardener) and she waited for her fridge saying she'd rather be here because she wanted to check it over and sign for it herself. My fridge has gone from that space (am using another small one elsewhere) so I had a coffee with her then made my excuses and said I had to go upstairs and continue with packing as vair busy, all alone etc.

Fridge came (1 hour 45 mins - it could have been worse.) I had anticipated all her questions so I had written her a little manual to my house in a hardback notebook, and suggested politely that she leave, and read it at her leisure AT HER HOUSE. I told her I'd switched the boiler off to avoid running out of oil right on top of moving, as it would be rude to leave her with none, and because in the summer it is cheaper when no heating is required to just use the immersion. She stressed about whether or not they would manage to understand the instruction manual to turn the boiler back on.

Then she said (we move out tomorrow, Friday) can I send my cleaner over to help you on Thursday?

I said NO. 'My cleaner will be here helping me on Thursday. If you want your cleaner to come and clean all over again on Friday that's up to you.'

'Oh ok, so what time can I send her over on Friday morning then?'

and there's more.......

Where is Fellatio. I want to go to bed.....