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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to my friends birthday meal

78 replies

moominliz · 06/09/2011 10:22

I don't know if I'm being a bit precious and unreasonable so need some MN opinions!
Its my very good friends birthday at the end of this month and she's booked a meal then going for drinks afterwards. However, I'll be 5 and a half months pregnant, no real problem there (obviously wouldn't go for drinks just meal) but the restaurant is an hours drive from where I live, in a city I don't know and I'll be going on my own. The table is booked for 8:30 so it would be a late night.
My DP is also a bit concerned about me driving that late at night and having to find my way round a city I don't know on my own.
AIBU and a bit pathetic to consider not going!?

OP posts:
BimboNo5 · 06/09/2011 11:17

But if you have a low risk pregnancy it isnt an illness, yes it makes you tired but to not do something as straightforward as go for a friends birthday meal is just bizarre, nobody is saying the OP should go for a 40 mile jog as far as I can see...

upahill · 06/09/2011 11:19

It's not though coco
We have said if she is not well that is fair enough and understandable and we have already said that everyone is different.
The problem that people were having was that it came accross as 'Oh I'm pregnant and now I can't drive into the city at night' which is bollocks.

If she said I am shattered by 3.30 in the afternoon and all I want to do is lie down I'm sure most people including me would have said 'put your feet up'

Chandon · 06/09/2011 11:22

if everyone else lives so close to the restaurant, couldn't you spend the night at your friend's house, or someone else's/ that way you can relax and enjoy the evening.

Cocoflower · 06/09/2011 11:25

Oh I know the OP doesn't have any specific pregnancy related problems (lucky her :().

But there has been one or two competitive posts- there is always is on these threads!

There is always someone of MN who managed to climb Mount Everest with 1 leg while blindfolded whilst carrying a lion on their back, then flew their own aeroplane back down whilst juggling and writing their phd.

At 37 weeks pregnant with triplets.

The rest of us consider it acheivement we made it to the toilet on time.

I find it quite amusing myself Smile.

upahill · 06/09/2011 11:30

Well I can only speak from my expierences and once I got past 3 months I was fine and able to carry on normally.

Mind you the first three months were horrible!! I didn't know I could make so much sick!!!!

BimboNo5 · 06/09/2011 11:31

I think the majority of people just comment that its not an illness and no excuse to stop normal activities of life. Then there are the very few odd types like the OP that make me totally baffled

Original poster
moominliz · 06/09/2011 11:34

I only know a couple of people going and they will be going out afterwards.

Like I've said, pregnancy isnt an illness, in my original message I said the pregnancy wasn't the problem, its just that, for me personally, it has made me change the way I ordinarily do things. I would have ordinarily travelled and stayed with my friend and gone out afterwards without a second thought but know that now I'll be tired so will need to leave earlier than others.
TBH I hate city driving at the best of times even if its a place I know well!

OP posts:
BimboNo5 · 06/09/2011 11:35

Satnav, you will be fine. Do you normally stress over things like this?

Oggy · 06/09/2011 11:36

I think the pregnany is a non-issue here.

Clearly the OP is nervous about driving in a strange city at night and I can understand that as I would be too. I'm not a confident driver in unfamiliar situations, not every one is.

We all have areas where we are more comfortable than others. I would feel very nervous doing that drive but there are other things I would feel confident doing that others wouldn't. We're all different. Those saying OP is being lame not wanting to do the drive - I'm sure there are things out there that would make them feel uncomfortable doing that wouldn't bother OP and they would appreciate a bit of understanding about.

OP, if you really don't want to do it, just be honest, if she wants you there then maybe an answer can be reached, such as someone else driving you, staying at your friends (with a spare key) while she goes clubbing, or your partner driving you etc

bonkers20 · 06/09/2011 11:37

Why not go to the meal and the bar and then get a taxi back to your friends house and stay the night?

Is your DP more concerned because you are pregnant or is he normally worried about you driving?

An hours drive isn't very far. Meal at 8.30pm, done at 11pm at the latest, home at midnight.

Original poster
moominliz · 06/09/2011 11:40

A situation hasn't arisen like this before, hence my apprehension, but I don't tend to go for many nights outs in other cities, maybe I just don't get out enough :)

OP posts:
Nefret · 06/09/2011 11:45

If I really wanted to go then it wouldn't put me off, saying that I flew home from Turkey on my own at 7 months pregnant so an hours drive wouldn't be much.

It sounds like you don't really want to go though so if that is the case just don't go, I'm sure your friend will understand. Sometimes pregnancy just makes you nervous of doing things that wouldn't normally worry you. The chances are you wont have such a good time if you are nervous about the return journey anyway.

Thumbwitch · 06/09/2011 11:48

In the end, moomin, it's between you and your friend. The opinion of a bunch of strangers doesn't matter in the slightest - if you're not comfortable, then don't go and hope your friend understands.

Original poster
moominliz · 06/09/2011 11:48

Thanks Oggy and Nefret

OP posts:
Original poster
moominliz · 06/09/2011 11:51

Sorry pressed post too soon there, in unfamiliar situations I'm not the most confident driver and I think in my case perhaps being pregnant has made me over analyse something that wouldn't normally worry me too much.

Thanks everyone for your opinions!

OP posts:
G1nger · 06/09/2011 12:08

Pregnancy is not an illness... Several people on here have argued this point, but really I feel it's worth taking up. I used to say it myself, before getting pregnant:

Since the beginning of pregnancy, manifesting at different stages:

  • palpitations
  • hot flushes
  • very wierd appetite (ongoing)
  • Sore belly, including cramps or frequent discomfort
  • Difficulty putting shoes / socks / tights / and now skirts! - on from early on
  • Several months of dizziness
  • Bladder and bowel issues
  • Puffy ankles and lower legs
  • Broken veins all over legs
  • Some irrational mood swings - anger or tears
  • Fatigue - 3 stages of increasing fatigue, no less.
  • Mild forgetfulness - which comes and goes
  • Pelvic pain and vaginal shooting pains in last few weeks
  • walking at about 1/3 of my usual speed
  • and more!

Honestly, I've worked my fingers to the bone at my job - never using my pregnancy as an excuse, to the extent that I've been called stubborn for insisting on crawling under my desk to get to things even when heavily pregnant. But if I didn't have a baby in here then I'd wonder what the bloody hell is wrong with me. Pregnancy IS an illness. It's not an excuse, but it is an illness.

Sn0wGoose · 06/09/2011 12:22

Personally I'd find driving in a strange city after dark easier because there'll be zero traffic??? An hour each way really isn't very far, lots of people drive that far to get to work every day.

YAB a bit U imho

Thumbwitch · 06/09/2011 12:24

G1nger - it can make some people ill, definitely. Sounds like you're having a bit of a rough time!
A lady I used to work with had lupus (SLE) - she was the wellest she had ever felt while she was pregnant, because the peculiarity of pregnancy immunosuppression put her SLE on hold.

It's different for everyone, as someone else on this thread has already said.

thisisyesterday · 06/09/2011 12:26

personally i wouldn't have a problem with that at all. if you'd said you were 40 weeks pg then maybe Grin

I actually don't think the pregnancy has any relevance on the situation at all tbh... unless you are particularly ill with it?

but if you don';t want to do it then of course you should just politely decline...

G1nger · 06/09/2011 12:27

Thumbwitch - the irony being, I think I've been doing quite okay! I wish I was one of those able to climb a mountain types :)

SmethwickBelle · 06/09/2011 12:28

I organised hen dos, went to birthday meals, undertook long drives for work (200miles each way) right up to 8 months so my instinct is to say you are being unreasonable. However in fairness I had a smooth pregnancy and have always driven loads.

Also I suppose you might be thinking that if you know you'll only be there for a couple of hours you'll spend longer crunched up in the car, not a massively appealling prospect but on balance I'd go for it.

thisisyesterday · 06/09/2011 12:30

by the by, i also felt really shitty with all 3 of my pregnancies with many of the symptoms listed below

but i would still have driven to a friends birthday meal. the symptoms didn't go away by sitting at home, and i'd have liked to get out and see people for a while and enjoy myself. an hour isn't that far.
that's just me though!

brodanbell · 06/09/2011 13:52

I'm not sure I fully understand your concerns about driving in a city (get a sat nav and perhaps rehearse your route ahead of time?) or that you will be driving home at around 10.30, which is well before the witching hour, BUT having said all that why not try this....

Stay overnight at your friends house, therefore removing the fear factor of driving in a strange city/late evening, and ask her for a key to her house so that you can leave, take a taxi and go back to her house after the meal. You can then have the best of both worlds. Unless of course taking a taxi is something you are no longer comfortable with?

seeker · 06/09/2011 14:30

My dp being a "bit concerned" at me driving at nigh in a city I don't know would mean that I had to go, regardless of how I felt! How very dare he!

dirtydishesmakemesad · 06/09/2011 14:38

If you dont feel comfortable going then dont go ,I probably wouldnt go.
I am on pregnancy number 5 and carry on most of my day as normal (little choice) but once the other children are in bed (about 7:30) i throw myself down on the couch and dont move that enough for my day. I feel AWFUL when pregnant, sick, tired and then later on i always have problems with blood pressure so i think that i deserve some rest, pampering and treating like glass sometimes. If DH was being sick, swollen, dizzy, had backache, muscle pain in his stomach and on medication for his blood pressure all at once no one would be telling him he shouldnt be so precious, these things are no less painful just because its caused by pregnancy :)