To have been MORTIFIED for DSD this morning and to be quite angry with DP over it??

[SisterOfRome]

So first day back at school. DSD (13) gets ready and leaves the house wearing just the school polo shirt (as do all the kids at this school). The bus stop is literally across the road from the house so she walks over and stands with her friends. Also standing there is a big group of lads from the school and a few non-school passengers waiting for the bus.

It's a little chilly but not freezing - then it starts to spit with rain. In true "cool teen fasion" none of the kids at the bus stop put on their jumpers or rain coats.

Well, DP goes over to the window, mentions that she has no coat on, opens the front door and SHOUTS:

"DSD!! DSD!!"

EVERYONE looks towards the house. DSD's face goes white.

"DSD!! PUT ON YOUR COAT!"

She shakes her head and I could have just died for her.

"DSD PUT ON YOUR COAT NOW!"

The group of lads fall about laughing. DSD looks like she's about the burst into tears. Her friends are looking gobsmacked. Again she shakes her head.

"DSD YOU BETTER PUT THAT COAT ON RIGHT NOW BEFORE I COME AND DO IT FOR YOU! I DON'T CARE IF I'M EMBARRASSING YOU, GET YOUR COAT ON NOW".

I'm cringing. DSD's friends are cringing, the lads are in hysterics. DSD looks like her entire world is over. She reaches into her bag and puts on her coat. Her friends exchange glances and are trying very hard (and failing) not to laugh. DSD has tears in her eyes. Once her coat is on, DP slams the door.

I can't believe he did it. I know its HIS dd and none of my business but I actually thought that bordered on abuse.

AIBU??

yanbu poor girl on her first day back too perhaps he/ his ex/ you should take her for more cold weather proof bras? im presuming its not so much the cold but the effects of the cold he was concerned about?

Can i be first to say Leave Him :o

(Isn't this what parents do btw? )

Is it really that cold there, why coat so necessary if bus right outside her door? I thought teens hated taking coats in to school because they didn't need them all day and they were annoying inside the classrooms & cumbersome to lug around all day.

I think it bordered on bullying behaviour, whether that qualifies as "abuse" I dunno.

YANBU

Poor girl, I would have been mortified.

It's not just about wearing the coat though, is it? He knew he was humiliating her and carried on the power struggle determined to win. Bit immature of him really.

Whose parents haven't mortified them at some point? Life lessons and all that. She'll get over it.
Maybe he needs to approach her more tactfully in future, but it's not the end of the world.

It isn't abuse, very embarrassing, though.

Just have words with him about how she's getting to an age where she can make some of her own decisions, including getting cold and wet, if he is having problems with letting what was his little girl grow up (she will always be his little girl, granted, but he has to reign it back).

Embarrassing? - yes

Abuse? - no

I think you and dsd should plot revenge on dp in front of his friends.

To be honest, I'd say your step-daughter was the more unreasonable one in that situation, for letting it escalate by not putting her coat on straight away. Maybe explain to her that in future, the best thing to do in that situation is to put the coat on straight away, thus giving her the opportunity to immediately turn to her friends and do a big, eye-rolling, "God, dads are just soooo embarrassing, aren't they?" type thing, then they can all have a snigger about embarrassing dads together.

Why do so many people think something awful is going to happen to a child if it doesn't wear it's coat? 8 find it completely baffling. Why does it matter?

Leave the bastard.

I was very surprised this morning when DD voluntarily put on her new coat over her blazer - I was suggesting a brolly. I did worry that she would be laughed at for wearing a coat, but good on her for being sensible. (Unless she conveniently loses it during the day).

And it is bloody cold and wet here. My chilblains were playing me up earlier.

Aren't parents meant to be embarrassing?

She could have just put on her coat, no?

So he was embarassing - parents are.

Abuse? Bullying? Get a grip!

Why do so many people think something awful is going to happen to a child if it doesn't wear it's coat?

surely its more about the adult deciding what is appropriate and the child doing as its told

I still want to know how OP could see she had tears in her eyes from across the road LOL

So a 13 year old hasto put-on a coat whether she wants to or not just because somebody tells her to? But why would you tell her to?

seeker If my DD had not put on her coat she would have been pissed wet through by the time she arrived at school. She would then have spent the morning quietly steaming until her blazer dried. In fact, if all the girls were wet, you probably would not be able to see in the classroom for the steam.

I remember the coat thing being 'uncool' too but can't for the life of me remember why. It's one of those weird arbitrary things that someone has decreed is uncool.

Your DP was being a knob. She decide for herself soon enough whether being cold and wet is worth it or not.

kill him

I am putting that in there before hully does

Both my girls where like this from about 12-14 I think all kids where and its really cold here in winter, they then get sensible at around 15 we would never of dreamed of doing that to her though.Poor girl

Conversation between mum and me at the same age (before leaving the house) would have been something along the lines of this:

Mum - It's chilly, where's your coat?

Me - I'm not cold. I am taking my coat though.

Mum - Fine, but I think you should wear it. If you get a cold you'll know why.

Me - Ok mum. (Does not put coat on, gets a cold, by early twenties starts to understand that mum was right).

Mind you, at 13 beige macs were in at my school and were a fashion item in themselves so I'd have been happy to wear my coat most of the time. Also when I was 14 re duffle coats.

Neither parent would have yelled at me in front of a crowd of peers at a bus stop. My dad occasionally did slightly embarrassing things like come into the school disco to pick me up instead of waiting outside as I thought we had agreed, but also deep down I thought it was rather sweet.

I think you have to trust and respect your teenage kids, but allow them to make mistakes too. My parents expected me to be sensible and largely I was, nothing much to rebel against.

Also choose your battles. They didn't bother so much about a coat but were strict (within bounds of reasonableness) about knowing/approving who I was going out with, where we were going, how we were getting back and at what time.

The definition of a cardigan is
What your mum ( or dad in this case ) tell you to put on when they feel cold

In some countries 13 year olds run the family home. We need to let kids start being responsible for themselves slowly. Starting with their coat when they start KS2 perhaps?

Not exactly abuse since your DP was actually looking after her welfare but not something I'd have dreamt of doing for all that. At 13 it's much more important to be cool. Even if this makes you, quite literally, cool enough to freeze. To be humiliated in front of friends really is the most awful thing even if it is over a triviality. Anyone who genuinely thinks their teenager will opt to be sensible over cool is, IMHO, deluding themselves.

I'd have been seriously pissed off, too OP and really felt for your DSD.

It was an error of judgement on his part. Nowhere close to abuse.