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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be able to contact XP at all times when DS is with him?

70 replies

EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 10:01

DS has been at XP's house since last Sat and is due back at lunch time today, only for all I know they could both be dead because I haven't been able to get in touch with them since Tuesday Shock. I think they're at XP's new GF's house, but I don't know her surname or phone number, and XP's phone goes straight to voicemail so have no way of getting in touch.
AIBU in thinking this is totally out of order?

OP posts:
FigsAndWine · 03/09/2011 10:06

YANBU. You can't expect him to be contactable 100% of the time, but to be out of touch for four days is not on. If he's got no reception then he should have rung you from a landline to let you know everything's ok.

akaemmafrost · 03/09/2011 10:06

No imvho YANBU but you will get tons of responses saying that you are I suspect.

I get very stressed when I can't get hold of my kids when they are with their Dad, luckily although he is a knob to me, he loves his kids and tries to do what will make them happy. Also he would be stressed if he couldn't get hold of us when he wanted to and I think he worries I would do it too if he did it.

Gonzo33 · 03/09/2011 10:07

I had this with my exh when our ds went to stay with him, nearly ended up calling the police.

Don't know how old your Ds is but mine is ten and I was still very worried.

Plus if the boot was on the other foot you can guarantee I would have been screamed at for "not letting him have telephone contact"

Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2011 10:08

Do you normally over contact him and so he is doing this on purpose?

It depends on what it is that they may be doing, or if he has other family that know where he is.
If he was going treking in Snowdonia, for example, it is sensible to let someone know the plans.

You aren't happy, so you now need to work out a plan for next time that will suit all of you.

FreudianSlipper · 03/09/2011 10:08

YANBU

Meglet · 03/09/2011 10:11

YANBU.

akaemmafrost · 03/09/2011 10:11

How often would all of you expect to speak to your dc. I would want daily contact at the very least and ex would want the same. We also get kids to ring if doing something particularly exciting so the other can share it a bit.

worraliberty · 03/09/2011 10:13

How old is your child?

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2011 10:15

Op...... Does it work the other way? Can he ALWAYS contact you as well??

If so yanbu..

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 03/09/2011 10:18

YAB a bit U.
I totally get how you feel but to be contactable at all times is a bit much but agree 4 days is too much to not be able to get any contact at all.
I get irritated if I call ex and he doesn't answer but I do have to tell myself that it works both ways the dc live with me and I am not contactable 100% of the time and sometimes he calls and I miss his calls because I'm busy or don't hear it so I have to give him the same grace I suppose.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/09/2011 10:19

This is my worst nightmare, because ex has form in harm & neglect of our children.

YANBU, you should at least get to wish your DC good night.

I would have called the police, but then my situation is probably very different from yours.

Hope your DS is OK. I think you need to clarify that your child needs to be reachable in case of emergencies at all times & you're happy to extend the same courtesy.

ChristinedePizan · 03/09/2011 10:20

I think all times is a bit much but I would be really cross not to have heard from them since Tuesday

Oakmaiden · 03/09/2011 10:22

In answer to your actually AIBU - yes you are. There is no reason why your XP needs to make sure he is contactable "at all times" - it is neither necessary nor practical. However, I suspect you know that really, and what you really want is to be assured of regular contact whilst you son is with your xp - or to know in advance if they are doing something which will make them uncontactable. That is not at all unreasonable.

ChippingIn · 03/09/2011 10:23

YANBU - it is totally out of order.

worraliberty · 03/09/2011 10:23

It depends on the age imo...as most of these sort of threads do.

If the child is a baby or a toddler then that's way to long.

If he's 14 or 15yrs old...then not so much

BrawToken · 03/09/2011 10:28

YANBU, it's common courtesy.

He's deliberately upsetting you and trying to make a (misguided) point imo. My ex once took dd abroad and didn't call me the whole time. He came home and said he didn't realise he should have. Yeah, right.

Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 10:43

DS is 9, when he's with his dad I usually call him once a day either in the morning to say hello and see what the plans are for the day, or in the evening to say goodnight and let him tell me about his day. XP has never indicated that this bothered him, and I never phone during the day as they're usually out enjoying themselves etc and I don't want to interupt.
When DS is with me it's very rare that XP wants to get in touch, I try to get DS to call him once a week but his phone is often switched off and he has no land line.
DS doesn't got to his dad's very often, DS complains about his dad smacking him for nothing so he's sometimes reluctant to go, and XP doesn't ask to see him very often. If it was up to me I'd probably cut all ties, but that's obviously not in the best interest of DS, and I think XP genuinely loves him and enjoys spending time with him.
I do worry about things though, XP is an ex heroin addict, and although he has been clean for several years he replaces his heroin addiction with other things such as smoking cannabis, drinking or having lots of sex (not a great paternal image by anyone's standards). I've had several conversations with him about what I thought was inappropriate behaviour when DS is around and he has said he wouldn't do anything to harm DS, including smoking in the same room as him or driving when he's been drinking etc, but DS 'reports' back that he still smokes when he's around and always has a can or two or beer before driving (possibly not enough to be over the limit, but still alarming IMO).

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 10:44

Also, I don't think he's doing it intentionally to piss me off, but just doesn't realise the effect it's having on me (and DH, my mum etc etc).

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 03/09/2011 10:48

COntact once a day is perfectly reasonable, and I understand that you are worried given XP's past behaviour. Is your DS old enough to be given a phone of his own so that he can ring you? As it does sound as though the XP is a selfish thoughtless prick rather than actively wanting to put the fear of hell into you.

ownthreadhider · 03/09/2011 10:52

YABU - if you don't trust your ex don't give him access. I presume you are always available to him when you have your DS?

How old is DS? Buy him a mobile phone then you can always contact him.

MindyMacready · 03/09/2011 10:55

In answer to the thread title, then yes, YABU. He's with a responsible adult and there is no need for on demand contact.

However, I'd expect to be able to have a daily catch up/what are you dong today type conversation, and if that were the question you'd asked then you would not have been unreasonable.

ownthreadhider · 03/09/2011 10:55

And if you have a need to know where he is while with his dad ask him for an itinery at pick up time Hmm.

Mitmoo · 03/09/2011 10:58

Why do some people play these stupid games, what are you likely to say next time he wants to take him away when you've been through hell this time?

I've stopped all future breaks for the foreseeable as my ex thought it would be funny not to return my son and keep him out without his medications for an extra night and day. My son is 14 but ex can do one if he thinks he is putting me or my family through that crap again and he has been told that too by text of course as he refuses to talk to me.

OP YANBU your ex is though.

BrawToken · 03/09/2011 10:59

A mobile phone is a really good idea. A cheap one for when he's with his Dad, fully charged before he goes. At 9, he's old enough to remember to charge it too.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/09/2011 11:00

My son has his own mobile, probably since he was about 10 I think (he's 16 now) so we could contact each other if we needed too, which was never that often.
Buy him a cheap mobile.