to want to be able to contact XP at all times when DS is with him?

[EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance]

DS has been at XP's house since last Sat and is due back at lunch time today, only for all I know they could both be dead because I haven't been able to get in touch with them since Tuesday . I think they're at XP's new GF's house, but I don't know her surname or phone number, and XP's phone goes straight to voicemail so have no way of getting in touch.
AIBU in thinking this is totally out of order?

I'm not leaving the house until DS is home (and if he isn't home by 9 tonight I'll be calling the police).
As I've already said I get DS to try and phone his dad once a week, sometimes he gets through, sometimes he leaves him a message. I usually speak to him too and he sometimes asks if he can have DS for a week or two during the hols to which I say I'll let him know what our plans are, then I find a week which suits everyone, and take him over myself.
This is the second time EVER that it has been XP who has come to get him (it had been previously arranged). This is the first time I haven't been able to get in touch via XP's mobile for over 24 hrs.

FFS English!!!!!!!! Are you for real? You asked him to try and avoid hitting him and then limiting to his backside how about "you lay one single solitary finger on my son and you won't need to worry about me reporting you to the police"

Or even better "I can't trust you with my son, you are physically abusive to him and don't deserve unsupervised contact with him, he doessn't deserve a father like you. The holiday is off.".

If you have to tell anyone that they have to avoid hitting your child then you don't give them unsupervised contact.

You need to take a long hard look at future contact.

My kids are sometimes uncontactable at their fathers as parts of Scotland have rubbish mobile reception and the kids never remember to charge theirs up, likewise when the kids are with me I often forget to take my mobile if we are out for the day or leave it in the car and forget to look at it.
This doesn't bother me because their father is sensible and has never been an addict.
In your case though OP I would be insisting on having them at a contactable number given his history of addiction problems and unreliability.
So whilst I think you are unreasonable to expect to always be able to contact your children when they are with their father, I do think that 4 days with no contact number is too long, especially with his history.

Can XP contact you at all times when DS is with you?

Re hitting, (I will probably be lynched for saying this but..) I occasionally smack my DC, as a last resort yes, but both DC have had sore bottoms from my wrath in the past, so I'm not going to try telling XP not to do so.

OWN He can take control of his own medication but he does have special needs. Dad tells him at his age his mother shouldn't have him on meds so he refuses to take them, then we have him getting suicidal. He refuses to accept that meds were only an option after several months of assessements by CAMHS.

It is a way for Dad to be able to criticise me in front of the child which is sick.

Dad refuses to ackowledge that he has special needs, will not engage with autism support, CAMHS or anyone else despite repeated attempts but tries to stop him taking meds.

The last time his stupid father played that game we had a suicide note and attempt, multi agency intervention. When son was kept for the weekend without meds for one night son had accepted he does need them, Dad booked an extra night knowing he'd be without his meds and knowing he'd been suicidal. Irresponsible moron. Now he doesn't get him overnight not that he had more than 3 or 4 overnights a year anyway. (his choice)

My thoughts at the time was it would cheer son up to get away for a couple of nights but ex used it as an excuse to use my son to worry me. He doesn't get to play that game twice, not when he's freaking around with his meds and no returning him as arranged. (sticking to schedules is very important to keep my son calm).

He's blown it my son's emotional welfare and resultant physical safety comes first.

And yes, he can always get hold of me, and if foe some reason I can't answer the phone, I call him straight back.

Goodness me this threade has goner off into flights of fantasy and will only serve to worry the OP into a nervous breakdown.

If any parent who ever hit a child were to be refused access I suspect that very few of us over 40s would ever see either of our parents again, plus OP has stated that XP is an ex heroin addict and has no proof of the other issues.

Drink/drive limits in France are much lower than in the UK and although the chance of being stopped is less, the penalties are harsher. If OP was that worried I am sure she will ask the Police to breathalyse the ex.

It may well be that mobile coverage at the new GFs house is rubbish, as it is in many places in France and the UK, or that DS is having such a great time that his phone is in the bottom of his bag only to be dragged out when he wants to use it.

Is DS does not often phone his Dad when at yours, he probably doesn't think to phone you when he is at Dads.

If XP had said we are going to "y" village with no mobile coverage you would not be expecting a call, the fact that the actualite does not measure up to your expectations is not a cause for concern, I would not be worried until, as you say getting on for DS's bedtime tonight.

(Mum of 2 and step Mum of 3 more so have some experience in this matter)

YANBU. He's flexing his puny muscles.

Explain this should not happen again.

If this is the first time then just make sure that your ex knows that you are not happy about it, so it doesn't happen again.

I would get him a phone as part of his Christmas presents, so it doesn't come across as a criticism.

(mum of 3, step mum of 5, CP SW, so some experience in this matter,also)

YABU re always, YANBU re no response in 4 days. What is reasonable IMHO depends on age of DC, but getting back once a day is probably acceptable to any reasonable person.

DS is home!!!

Huge sigh of relief. XP arrived at half one (so technically on time) completely nonchalant about it: his phone had died and he didn't think I'd get so worried. I didn't get angry, just made it clear how upset I'd been, they could have been lying in a ditch somewhere for all I knew. He apologised and said next time he'd make sure he'd call me before going off the radar!

DH thought he smelt of booze though :(

And thank you all for your feedback, has made me question a few things!

I was ready to say YABU when I saw the thread title, but when I saw that you've not been able to get in touch since Tuesday I changed my mind, YANBU. The odd hour or day-trip out of contact is understandable, but not for four or five days. The mobile phone idea might be a good one.

Re the title of the thread, by "at all times" what I meant was on a daily basis (or to be able to leave a message and expect a reply within 24 hrs).

Does your DS know your number? It might be a good idea to make sure he can call you from anyone's phone rather than him having his own phone. I went abroad on holiday and my phone battery was flat for days before I could get a charger. Life has existed for long before mobile phones. I guess if ex doesn't call you and DS regularly, it doesn't occur to him that it will leave you worried.

I used to go out with a guy whose ex had to speak to their DS every single day without fail and the poor child had to phone his Mum immediately if anything dramatic happened so she would know straight away. If anything did happen ( a case of sunburn for example) she would get a call, the DS would be quizzed endlessly then the father would be quizzed and have to give an explanation and calm the frantic mother down. The boy would then worry how his mother would be and if she would shout his father down when they got home!

I am delighted he is back home safety.

Your son says he drinks and drives, your dp says he drops him off smelling of booze. Your son says he takes cannabis and he's only 9, how would he guess that?

Your son says he hits him for nothing about the head too.

I hope you start smelling the coffee before there is a next time.

My sons says he smokes. He doesn't know what cannabis is!

there is a big difference between a smack on a clothed leg/nappied bottom and a smack around the head, thoough any smacking is not ideal. next time he drops off your son and smells of booze ring the police and inform them of his numberplate... can you not small the canabis on h if he has smoked it? sniff your sons clothes see if they smell?

I'm glad he's home safe, OP, and I'm glad that you've kept calm through this thread (even though you've been so worried) as some of the replies have been really over the top.