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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be able to contact XP at all times when DS is with him?

70 replies

EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 10:01

DS has been at XP's house since last Sat and is due back at lunch time today, only for all I know they could both be dead because I haven't been able to get in touch with them since Tuesday Shock. I think they're at XP's new GF's house, but I don't know her surname or phone number, and XP's phone goes straight to voicemail so have no way of getting in touch.
AIBU in thinking this is totally out of order?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 03/09/2011 11:03

Wow! You allow him to be with someone like that overnight?

At the very least your son should have his own mobile phone.

Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 11:06

Yeah I think a mobile phone is going to be the next step. The laws in France are really strict about giving full acces to both parents unless a judge has made another descision, and seeing as we were never married, we've never had to decide anything official about it. DS has always lived with me and I've never denied XP contact and he's never indicated he'd like to have him with him more often. But after this stunt I'm going to be very reluctant to let him have him over, but I can get into big trouble for denying him access.

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 03/09/2011 11:06

English Mum Why are you allowing contact at all? Have you read your post.

DS complains about his dad smacking him for nothing so he's sometimes reluctant to go

It is obviously not in the best interest of DS, and I think XP genuinely loves him and enjoys spending time with him.

It is? Not from what you are saying.

he replaces his heroin addiction with other things such as smoking cannabis, drinking or having lots of sex (not a great paternal image by anyone's standards).

I've had several conversations with him about what I thought was inappropriate behaviour when DS is around

He's smoking canabis the the same room as your son and drink driving with him?

Sorry you have every right to be worried and personally I would be rethinking what actually is in your son's best interest because if my ex was smoking cannabis, having a couple of beers and driving he wouldn't get near my son.

Mitmoo · 03/09/2011 11:09

I have no idea about family law is in France but not being drunk/stoned when you have your child is the car is probably one level of defence that would prevent you from getting into too much trouble.

Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 11:14

I have no proof that he is smoking weed in front of DS, or that he is drinking enough to be over the limit, I obviously don't want DS to 'investigate' because there are some things I'd rather he didn't know, and I just want him to enjoying spending time with his dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 11:16

Re smacking, no laws against it in France as there are in the UK.

OP posts:
ownthreadhider · 03/09/2011 11:17

Even if he dies while in the car with a drunk driver?

I'm sorry but you are nuts to allow this man to have your DS if what you say is true.

Andrewofgg · 03/09/2011 11:17

There are many times and places where you either cannot get a signal or you ought not to be using a phone. So no, being able to keep in touch 24/7 is not reasonable and also defeats the point of contact. You ought to have a general idea of what X has planned but not minute by minute, and if they spend longer out of reach than you expected that may be JTB. Of course a lot depends on his age which you have not told us.

Mitmoo your son is nearly at the age where he can decide for himself and take his medications with him. A distant relation of mine acted as you are acting and when the boys were 16 and 14 the elder decided he would rather live with his dad anyway and the younger said "then I'm going to". She was advised (correctly, I think) by her solicitor that the court would not force boys of that age back, given that father was competent to look after them, and they have hardly spoken to her - and not at all to her mother who they think was behind her actions - since.

Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 11:20

DS is nine, as I said in my second post I think...

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 03/09/2011 11:20

Yes, the OP has, Andrew. He's 9

Andrewofgg · 03/09/2011 11:21

Sorry, my mistake.

Mitmoo · 03/09/2011 11:23

Your son is telling you that his father is not keeping him safe, you have been concerned enough to have had several conversations with him about inappropriate behaviour, your son says he smokes cannabis, drinks and drives, the man is now terrifying you by not answering his phone since Tuesday. Hardly the stuff of responsible parenting.

Stopping contact is never easy no matter where you are, I was even threatened with jail on one occasion if I didn't co-operate with a contact order, until Crapcass-CAFCASS finally accepted I had been right all along.

It might be worth considering for the future, I'm sure your ex is playing mind games, my ex does the same and it is thoroughly unsettling and worrying. God only knows what they get out of it.

Mitmoo · 03/09/2011 11:25

Englishmum no laws against smacking in England either so long as you don't leave lasting marks. My ex would smack him once he wouldn't get another chance, particularly as he only sees him rarely.

If a person has to use a smack it is the last resort, no child should be smacked by a parent who only has them for a holiday.

Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 11:30

Also as I said above, I'm not sure at all if he does smoke weed and drink drive when DS is around (or when he's not around for that matter). The facts that I do have are: he used to smoke heroin, last time he admitted using was when his mum died four years ago; he smokes (but I don't know if he still smokes cannabis or not); he sometimes has a can of beer before driving; he clips DS Round the ear as punishment.
As a worried mum, I'm obviously going to see the worst in it, for all I know he could be being entirely responsible (apart from being unjoinable).

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2011 11:30

OP i have just googled Childrens law in France.

They are much more inclined to keep family ties than in the UK but the same 'safeguarding' policies are in place.

You now know that you YANBU by wanting daily contact. You will have to speak to your ex when your DS is returned. I would get your DS a mobile and insist that he is to speak to you daily, given what you have put in your posts about your ex's behaviour.

Are you not concerned that your DS may be picking up his fathers addictive behaviour to drugs and drinking? I would be very careful once your DS reaches his teenage years. The court (if it came to it) would not agree with your DS witnessing this.

Mitmoo · 03/09/2011 11:31

Andrew my son will not decide for himself, he has been told that his father has acted unreasonably in calling to collect him prior to a school day and bringing him back after the next school day causing two unauthorised absences.

HIs games also meant that his son was without the medication he needs. I am sufficiently confident in the relationship I have with my child, not only that but know that my son's father has repeatedly damaged his own relationship with his son that my son will never want to live with him.

They are currently not talking after his father took him out for one day in around a month (father's choice) and before they'd arrived my ex told my son he was a "useless little shit" and got verbally abusive to him. I had to collect one very distressed child after a whole half an hour!!!

So I have no fear of any court cases reappearing with their rather ugly heads, and all decisions I make I can justify and rationalise to my son, our relationship is based on good old fashioned open communications where ultimately I set the rules as any decent parent should with their children.

Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2011 11:32

Mitmoo- you have probably x posted with OP, but child law in either France or UK would not accept a grown man hitting a child around the head. Smacking is usually accepted on the body, only.

In years gone by, many DC's had their hearing affected by 'a clip round the ear' from a man.

Mitmoo · 03/09/2011 11:36

OP when is your son due to be back home?

Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 11:37

I asked him last week to try and avoid hitting him, and if he really felt he needed to then limit it to a slap on the backside to which he mumbled something which I took for an agreement, I'll wait to see what DS says when he gets back.
It is now gone midday here and still no sign of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 11:39

XP picked him up at lunch time last Saturday and we said see you in a week, I assumed this meant today at lunchtime, but it could be at anytime today I suppose, I don't know at what time I can reasonably start to panic.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2011 11:41

I wouldn't accept a mumbled reply. Now is the time to insist on your ex communicating with you. Your DS is to old to be being hit and it depends on what he is being hit for. He may be bearing the brunt of your ex's mood swings. This is unfair on your DS as he will see this as normal because he is used to it. You as an adult have to take the lead on what is right.

The courts would not take a dim view, as you are being reasonable in your requests.

Original poster
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance · 03/09/2011 11:41

I had hoped to speak to him on the phone to confirm a time yesterday or even this morning, so as not to be stuck at home all day...

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 03/09/2011 11:41

Mitmoo of course you know your DC and I wish you all the best.

Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2011 11:44

So you let an ex (as far as you know) heroin user, who still has addiction problems and keeps dodgy company, pick your DS up and say, "see you in a week".

You should not be planning on going anywhere later, you need to speak to your DS.

How do you contact your ex when he wants to see his dad, or is it when his father wants to see him, he contacts you?

ownthreadhider · 03/09/2011 11:46

Mitmoo - does your DS have special needs? If not I would expect a 14 yr old to take charge of their own medication? He is not a child he is a young adult Hmm

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