Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that only children are lousy at playing ?

161 replies

RosemaryandThyme · 02/09/2011 13:23

Have had variety of children round to play during the school holidays and have had awful times with visits from and to three children, all boys all age six and all only-children.
None of them seem able to join in or involve others in games, often having break-downs or crying fits (yesturdays boy cried five times in an hour!) all over not getting the toy they wanted or basically not getting their own way.
I appreciate all kids are different and we all parent differently but wonder if anyone else has noticed particular play difficulties with only children ?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 02/09/2011 21:14

R&T it sounds very interesting. Is it a religious group?

It's good to know you are free to leave if you wish - that's important.

Myself, I couldn't live somewhere so insular - but each to their own really, so long as they are happy.

Would you being on here be frowned upon?

mistlethrush · 02/09/2011 21:14

Ooh - and is school within the community or 'mainstream'?

mistlethrush · 02/09/2011 21:15

(sorry, we're all sounding very nosy now!) Please don't feel you need to answer anything - just very interested!!! Grin

Original poster
RosemaryandThyme · 02/09/2011 21:37

Oh your so kind and yes of course I'd love to chat - my life is so dull and repetitive compared to yours.
Sadly I no longer work, I went part time after my first child was born and that was very difficult here but manageable, worked evenings aftr my second child, but when I found out soon after I was pregnant with my third, I just couldn't defend working - basically the community view at forum was "you can't cope with two how on earth are you going to cope with three" (everyone is very blunt here - I guess its part of feeling like extended family).
We are not a religious group - it is (in theory) a consensus, though some folk are more strident / better debaters than others - and there is an awful lot of talking over and over about many day-to-day details - it can make your head spin.
On the surface nothing is actually prohibited, there is more a sort of pressure to place community benefit above the self.
arrrrrgh am thinking now I'm sounding a total odd ball ???

OP posts:
justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 02/09/2011 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hoovercraft · 02/09/2011 21:45

Ive only read the OP (I Know, Im sorry but Im bloody tired and just wanted to post about that and go to bed).

I have an only child and I find that when he has visitors, none of whom are only children, that they dont seem to know how to play. They just want to keep coming back inside when I chase them out to play, wont play games and just want to play ds or watch tv. My only child is frustrated with this and he is a great player.

hoovercraft · 02/09/2011 21:46

and my son is 6

Original poster
RosemaryandThyme · 02/09/2011 21:59

Sorry hoovercraft - I've been a complete wally linking how children play with whether or not they have siblings, thank you for replying.

OP posts:
hoovercraft · 02/09/2011 22:01

I think its possibly just kids in a strange environment.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 02/09/2011 22:04

You don't sound odd. You just sound very aware of an unusual family situation.

Tell us more!

I've not noticed the only child thing, just that the DSs play better with some children than others. With some, they just squabble constantly or the chemistry's just not there. But then that's true for adults, isn't it, so why should it be any different for children?

Original poster
RosemaryandThyme · 02/09/2011 22:12

ChippingIn - I really wouldn't like anyone here to no that I'm on MN - and I'd crumble if anyone ever read something I'd replied to, its too personal and honest - is this the same for you ? would you be OK if someone that you knew in RL read your MN entries?

Mine are at mainstream school (small village school), this is somehting I am so very pleased about, predicitably there was much discussion prior to applying for a place for my eldest but I was lucky as my Dad gave me an old banger that meant I could reach the school without imposing on another community member for a lift, also at around that time more families were moving away from HE so in hind-sight I would say it went quite smoothly (well for here !!)

My husband and I both live here with our children.

OP posts:
LadyWellian · 02/09/2011 22:53

R&T I was a bit narky earlier and didn't mean to hit a nerve with my 'bubble' comment. It wasn't the sentiment as much as the generalisation that rankled. I know some dreadful only children and at least as many dreadful children with siblings. (OK, maybe dreadful is a bit strong, but...)

I can sympathise with whoever said upthread that she found only children wearing because they are always in the kitchen talking to her. I'm sorry, that will be my DD (or was when she was younger - she is 11 now so she and your DD are more likely to be holed up using all your bandwidth).

People are different from each other. Though actually many of DD's best friends are only children or children who don't have a great deal of interaction with their siblings due to huge age gaps or having siblings with serious disabilities. Although a few of them are the youngest of 3 or 4. I refer you to my earlier point about generalisations Grin

edam · 02/09/2011 23:44

RaT, thanks for posting about your community, sounds very interesting. But a few things sound worrying. People ordering you to stop working because 'you can't cope'? That's downright rude, apart from bullying. And the stuff about how they approached you in the first place - sending people who aren't students to hang about universities to make contact with people. Makes me feel rather uneasy.

Do they still send people out to draw students in? Is it generally a place where you feel secure, happy, and respected?

HeadfirstForHalos · 02/09/2011 23:48

YABU. I have 4 dc, my dd1s best friend is an only and they play brilliantly. Her friend is pretty bossy, but my dd matches her!

2BoysTooLoud · 03/09/2011 06:58

Good morning RosemaryandThyme. I'm glad you came back and thank you for being so open. You say your life seems repetitive compared to those outside your community. Be reassured that my life [and I'm sure others] follow a fairly repetitive pattern - school run, supermarket, pretend to tidy, school run, TV, kids squabble, bed etc. Not exciting!
It does sound that the individual is heard only if loud ie some people in the community perhaps more equal than others? However in general community that happens too. You sound like you try hard for your children eg outside schooling. Do your wider family understand your life style choice? Can they visit and you visit them? Do children tend to stay in the community when 18 or over?
Ignore me if my questions too much!
I am glad you are happy.

TandB · 03/09/2011 07:35

I agree with Edam - there are seem real alarm bells ringing for me. The method of "recruiting" seems rather suspect - sending people to approach youngsters when they are at a time of their life when they are being bombarded with new ideas and might be more vulnerable/impulsive than later.

Also, your comments about the wives not being able to engage with outsiders beyond what is absolutely necessary is rather worrying.

What would happen if you decided you wanted to leave?

mistlethrush · 04/09/2011 09:12

R&T - Don't worry, no one here is going to 'out' you. I hope you feel you can come back and chat. Smile

I'm glad that you have your children at the village school - that sounds good - pity that you can't all get together and help each other out on the school run though.

The thing that worries me is 'wives' not being 'allowed' to talk to people 'outside' apart from buying essentials. What's the reasoning behind that, and why is it only 'wives' restricted like that?

Re MN etc - people in RL know that I come onto MN. My dh has my username and knows my password - although he wouldn't bother to look at what I've posted. I could change either and he wouldn't have an issue - nor should he Grin. Most RL people don't know my user name. However, there are a group of MNetters that I regularly correspond with - over several years - and some of us have met up in RL, and we have made contact in other ways too.

Foxy800 · 04/09/2011 09:17

Op YABU.

My dd is an only child and although she isnt great at playing on her own at home she is 90% of the time good at playing with her friends. Some of her friends who we have had over but have brothers or sisters have been awful but this is usually on their first visit and I think is down to excitment.

All children are different, only children or not.

Grockle · 04/09/2011 09:21

I'm biased as I have an only child (although he is used to sharing his home part-time with 10 yr old language students & has close friends to play with). Everyone comments on how kind & sociable DS is so I think YABU.

QOD · 04/09/2011 09:21

My DD is an only, what I find with her is that she cannot handle rough and tumble at all

IS that so with other onlies?

Original poster
RosemaryandThyme · 04/09/2011 11:46

Hello, just sneaked back between wash loads, have a few mins.

QOD - I have very limited experiance of only children - all I can say for certain is that they definately do not make lousy playmates !

Kungfupanda - I've asked a couple of others here if people that come into the community now are coming via university guides - seems that was prohibited by universities several years ago, which thinking about it would be matched by the fall-off in new people buying in over the last few years, (people stay for a while on a rent basis based on income, those who buy in tend to stay longer).

Mistlethrush - it is a mainstean, state, primary, Cof E school.
The children see going to school as a treat, they are bought up to feel that school is a perk that is earnt through good behaviour, respect for others and having a "join in " mentality. The children who attend school know they would be removed instantly if teachers were disgruntled with them, if they imposed on others to tak care of their property (lost plimsols are a big deal).

Being bleeped at by two washing machine timers !!!! back as soon as I can .

OP posts:
2BoysTooLoud · 04/09/2011 11:51

Interested to hear more Rosemary...

QOD · 04/09/2011 11:54

Nah my DD is a good playmate, but was a bit inflexible to be honest - not always good at joining a game that was in progress. I think that's more a personality trait though.
But she was mortified if anyone leapt on her in play, play fightiing etc = she couldn't understand it. I always wondered if it was because she didn't have a sibling to play fight with?

cerealqueen · 04/09/2011 12:00

YABVU. My Dd is an only at the moment and when she plays with other children, she is always having toys snatched off her, she never snatches. She will hold onto what she has though to stop anybody getting it from her. Grin Often she will then relinquish the toy later on. I think that is just her nature, she has always been like this.

dikkertjedap · 04/09/2011 12:03

My dd is an only child, she has excellent social skills, but a number of her little friends can be very very bossy and sometimes outright unpleasant. Some of them are only children and some have older siblings. In all cases the mothers seem to endorse their bossy and unpleasant behaviour though. One had put one of dd's toys in her pocket to take home. I saw it and told her to put it back as it wasn't hers. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me: my mother says that if I like something I can take it. So I told her, that may be so in your house but not in this house. At parties I have seen this behaviour many times, they don't wait their turn but just take what they want, sometimes egged on by their parents. Quite shocking IMO.