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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread my pil visiting for the birth

109 replies

veryworriedme · 01/09/2011 17:01

i think I already know I am but it is a question of how much. I am due to give birth in a few weeks and my pil are travelling from NZ to stay with us for a month from a few days before my due date. My mil visited before when my ds was 5 months but my fil has never met him and he is now 18m. I have been terrible about refusing to travel to NZ (partly because last time I got a dvt but also because of being a wimp about doing it with ds) and so they are forced to come here. We have a 2 bed house so dh, the newborn and me will sleep on the sofa bed in the sitting room so we don't disturb them in the night. I think what I am worrying about though is how I will be in those few weeks after birth. Last time I found breastfeeding a nightmare (ds was a bit premature) and spent my whole time weeping with a boob out. The only way I coped was by having 4 hrs sleep solid by sleeping in the spare room which I won't be able to do this time. My pil are very sweet people but they are not very independent and so likely to be in the house all day and I don't know them well enough to be comfortable being a mess in front of them. I suggested to my dh that they stay in a local hotel for a week to let us get ourselves together but he was v hurt. Am I being selfish? Or worrying over nothing as maybe it is easier second time round.....

OP posts:
Yama · 01/09/2011 21:06

Phew. I'm very relieved Veryworried. Well done. Stick to your guns and do not, I mean do not feel guilty.

DuelingFanjo · 01/09/2011 21:11

My mil booked a flight on my due date. She sensibly rented a place nearby. I think letting your pil have the bedroom is madness. Have they asked you to do this?

You should definitely make it clear to your husband that they will not be having the bedroom and that he must take time off work for the full time they are there.

MinimallyNarkyPuffin · 01/09/2011 21:12
Shock
kangers · 01/09/2011 21:14

Just seen this and you have so made the right decision- the PIL should KNOW how hard it can be and booked a cottage already- shame on them.

Meglet · 01/09/2011 21:16

Yanbu. I felt sick when I read your first post Sad.

Do not let them stay with you. Frankly, it's tough shit if they feel hurt. You and the baby are the priority here. I hated people visiting after I had DC1, I was in pain, recovering from a cs, hooked up to a breast pump as he wouldn't latch on....visitors made it worse, even now I regret not telling people to piss off.

reelingintheyears · 01/09/2011 21:16

Frankly i think you'd be nuts to have them stay for so long when you've just had a baby.

And how on earth can they (anyone) take the bed from a new Mum.Shock

You'll want your own bed and need your own space.

Find them a nice little hotel nearby and hey presto...fait accompli.

reelingintheyears · 01/09/2011 21:19

Sorry..i didn't see your last post...well done and good luck with the baby..Smile

scottishmummy · 01/09/2011 21:27

good resolution,best wishes when baby arrive

SouthernFriedTofu · 01/09/2011 21:28

Fuck me. I won't even read the whole thread, but what if you have a cesarian section? Sofa bed really?

Your dh is being a giant asshole sorry I don't mean to be horrible. But you are being unrealistic to the extreme thinking this will work at all with you going hormonal and crazy and losing it on one of them

metalelephant · 01/09/2011 21:28

Yay! Great news, glad it's being sorted!

SouthernFriedTofu · 01/09/2011 21:29

Ignore previous raving post. Glad you got it sorted

That will be all.

PinkFondantFancy · 01/09/2011 21:32

Well done OP, glad your DH sees it the same way too. Good luck with everything!

TastyMuffins · 01/09/2011 21:34

I slept on the sofa for first two nights after giving birth. And lay on it for the first two or three days. It was only because I wasn't able to get upstairs or go anywhere and the bathroom is downstairs but honestly it wasn't that bad. Depends what sort of sofa or sofabed you have.

When I had family over from NZ to stay recently, I offered my room (I was going to share with DS) but they declined and said they didn't want to invade my space and stayed on the sofabed in the living room. TBH I found this more of an invasion, they were just there the whole time. I hated trying to keep DS out of the living room in the mornings when they were still asleep or feeling I was disturbing them if they wanted to go to bed sooner. I also had their clothes and things in my living room so it didn't really feel like my space.

I'm sure if your PIL are staying in your room (if that is what you would feel best with) then they would no doubt retreat to your room if you need privacy as they would feel a bit awkward hanging round during MW visits and awkward feeding, they could take your older child off to the park or out for a walk during these times. Most PILs will make themselves useful during this time and respect that it is difficult.

Work out what is best for you, especially sleeping arrangements, discuss all the permutations with your DH and ask him to support you and accept that it may be very awkward. Ask your DH to discuss things with them like privacy for feeds and how you feel about this. Your PILs will probably want to help out, so if they ask if there is anything they can do, tell them and let them help. Get them doing the laundry and washing up if they ask and don't be afraid. Whatever you do, don't try to be the perfect hostess and entertain them. Prepare some tourist information for them and ideas of local places to go, especially places they can take your DS. Make them useful.

Plenty of people have their PILs to stay during this time and get on just great.

unsuspectingclodpate · 01/09/2011 23:34

don't believe this.

FabbyChic · 01/09/2011 23:40

I slept on a three seater sofa with my son until he was over a year old, then we migrated to the floor. There was no way I was sleeping with his father a bed! ouch.

blackeyedsusan · 01/09/2011 23:49

you invited them for afte the birth, they have chosen to ignorre you and booked it before, especially as some babies come late.

and you are not unreasonable for not flying to new zealand ever again. you have had dvt once and a second time you may not be so lucky. for that reasion, you also need your bed so you have room to prop your feet up or whatever it is you need to do to decrease the risk post partum/late pregnancy.

do not ever feel guilty for not flying after dvt

LineRunner · 01/09/2011 23:52

Where's your mother staying?

A1980 · 01/09/2011 23:56

Sod this: I think you should pay for another flight change.

What on earth is the point in coming to see a newborn baby who will barely be alert most of the time other than to scream for feeds. They ought to have come when the baby was at least 3-6 months old and more alert and settled. It would be a nicer expereince for them to be able to connect and play with the baby when it is older and you would be recovered from the birth too.

I would seriously suggest it.

iscream · 02/09/2011 06:45

You know, a flight change may cost about the same as the B&B, and may be the best solution. You could do the booking at a time you will be healed from the birth. The pregnancy was not factored in a being unknown when the current flight was booked.
There can't be many people who would feel hurt by a flight change due to a medical/childbirth situation.

Hope you work out the perfect plan.

fairyqueen · 02/09/2011 09:09

People seem to be missing the point that seeing your grandchild AS A NEWBORN is pretty special, which is probably what the Pil want. Wherever they sleep, I can't imagine th ey will be expecting to be waited on as guests. I suggest that you right now make a list of all the things they can do to make that first few weeks easier rather than harder. This could include, doing the washing, shopping, takeaway collecting, rushing out for the bit of babykit you didn't think you needed, getting tea for any other visitors, putting the bins out etc. Do the list now so you don'tneed to think at the time. Most importantly, they can spend time with their older grandchild, getting to know him, tking him to the park, to whatever activities youll be too knackered to tqke him to, and out of the way when the midwife calls.

If they're being useful they won't be in the way, and If they're as nice as you they'll be glad to do it and probably greatful for their time being kept occupied.

metalelephant · 02/09/2011 09:31

fairyqueen, meeting your newborn grandchild is special indeed, but the visit should last a few hours or a couple of days. Not a month! As the OP said, her PIL are nice but not independent and would probably stay in all day.

Also, I have the PIL from heaven, they are the nicest people and we get on brilliantly - but I wouldn't dare give them a list of stuff to do. I can ask my mum and dad to help with washing and cleaning and whatever else, but asking them to make tea for the guests? Not really.

Somebody that considers it normal to share a 2 bed house with a newborn for a month doesn't quite realise that they're in the way and should never have planned it or booked a hotel themselves.

20wkbaby · 02/09/2011 09:46

What are they planning to do while you are in labour? This would worry me as much as them being around post-birth. How can you possibly relax? Why would anyone even want to be around at a time when they must know they would be intruding on someone's privacy let alone a special time for the family? What would happen if you had complications and DH was having to look after them rather than you?

I would seriously have had a meltdown by now even thinking about it (I am 35 wks pg).

ledkr · 02/09/2011 09:57

Do not allow this to happen. We asked my pils not to be here the first night home from hospital and they manipulated and ignored their way into being here,trying to stay,demanding food,and eventually staying untill 10 o clock without lifting a finger,we were made to feel very uncomfortable about asking them to leave.
7 months later this has had a major detremental effect upon us all.
I resent dh for allowing this to happen,had pnd largely i think due to this (baby was sick and taken back into hospital so we never got our first night home) i struggle to like my pils due to their behaviour and so they dont get to see their gc as much as they should.
I am trying but its not getting any easier to forgive them.
Pleas have whta you like and need,yes its important for them to see their new grand child but its far more important for you and baby to feel happy and comfortable.

NestaFiesta · 02/09/2011 10:08

Poor you OP. Family pressure can be a bugger.

My MIL announced that she was coming to stay with us for a week after DS1's birth. To my eternal admiration, DH told her we were having NO overnight guests at all until the baby was in a routine. That applied to my family and his family and we stuck to our guns.

MIL went nuts (she's lovely. NOT) but eventually calmed down. We placated her by inviting her to see DS1 in hospital the day after he was born and staying in a B and B. DH picked her up and dropped her off so she could visit in the day at our convenience.

You need to forget about whether your DH is hurt or not. Also, what if you have to have an emergency Csection? I did and was not expecting it at all. There is a 6 week recovery period.

It is unreasonable and unacceptable to entertain houseguests whilst recovering from childbirth. it's not just the lack or privacy and the obligation to make sure they're OK, it's the times when you just don't want to talk to anyone but feel you must despite being up all night.

No way should anyone's needs come before those of a newborn and their recovering post partum mother.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 02/09/2011 10:20

These things do have an impact on long term emotional and mental health for the mum.

My dad was grieving my mum when my first dc was born as was I obviously. We were all in a terrible state. I used to go over and see my dad as much as possible, every couple of days as he needed me. At weekends I would go over on one of the days. My PIL refused to come and visit us because they are lazy fuckers and my DH felt really sad about this so I used to get pursuaded to go and visit them as well (think he felt guilty if we didn't). So literally ALL my time was taken up visiting the GPs. I hardly had time to look after my baby between all this and as a result breastfeeding failed, I got PND and all sorts of other problems. I wish I had been strong enough to say "No! My dad needs us right now, your parents don't, if they want to see the baby they can get off their arses".