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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dread my pil visiting for the birth

109 replies

veryworriedme · 01/09/2011 17:01

i think I already know I am but it is a question of how much. I am due to give birth in a few weeks and my pil are travelling from NZ to stay with us for a month from a few days before my due date. My mil visited before when my ds was 5 months but my fil has never met him and he is now 18m. I have been terrible about refusing to travel to NZ (partly because last time I got a dvt but also because of being a wimp about doing it with ds) and so they are forced to come here. We have a 2 bed house so dh, the newborn and me will sleep on the sofa bed in the sitting room so we don't disturb them in the night. I think what I am worrying about though is how I will be in those few weeks after birth. Last time I found breastfeeding a nightmare (ds was a bit premature) and spent my whole time weeping with a boob out. The only way I coped was by having 4 hrs sleep solid by sleeping in the spare room which I won't be able to do this time. My pil are very sweet people but they are not very independent and so likely to be in the house all day and I don't know them well enough to be comfortable being a mess in front of them. I suggested to my dh that they stay in a local hotel for a week to let us get ourselves together but he was v hurt. Am I being selfish? Or worrying over nothing as maybe it is easier second time round.....

OP posts:

Popple · 01/09/2011 18:52

When you asked your in-laws to change their flights from August, did you suggest what dates they should change to? They've already paid out once to make changes because you asked them to....surely you were consulted about this. Your husband and in-laws sound very nice. Has your chopping and changing resulted in this situation. I would imagine that they would be mortified if they knew how worried you are about it. Can they afford a hotel for that length of time? It will cost a small fortune.

scottishmummy · 01/09/2011 18:55

would self catering apartment
cheap b&b
budget hotels not cater for their budget?
tbh,you need to be a bitty less of a pushover,all oh gosh,sorry,and no inconvenience about other people. you have needs, havea word with dh and work this out amicably.but pil dont stay

scottishmummy · 01/09/2011 18:59

have you googled any cheap accomodation?could you and dh contribute to cost

happygilmore · 01/09/2011 19:06

We're not ganging up on your husband, we all just know what it's like having a baby and spending four weeks on a sofa bed with your in laws in your bed is just not on. Hopefully you'll have a trouble free birth, but what if you had a c-section or got an infection?

I was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks afterwards, god if my inlaws had been staying at mine I think I would have topped myself.

umf · 01/09/2011 19:07

It's just not a recipe for success. They need to stay in a nice B&B not too far away. You need to think about yourself, the baby, DS, DH, and then his parents. Being too nice ends up with this kind of mess.

LineRunner · 01/09/2011 19:08

Strill want to know why your PiL think it's ok to take your room. Do they even know that's what's being proposed?

Zimm · 01/09/2011 19:16

EErm OP - A sofabed is absolutely NOT SAFE for co-sleeping - all the cushions and things and the mattress won't be of good enough quality to provide proper ventilation. And why the hell would PIL make conversation at 1,2 ,3 am whatever? Just tell them to sod off back to bed!

They need to be in a hotel - this whole plan is stupid and your DH is an arse.

Original poster

veryworriedme · 01/09/2011 19:19

Yes popple, this is why I feel to blame. When we said change flights I wanted to present it as positive thing so said come after number 2 arrives. I didn't know they would book for the birth itself. We paid for the original flights as a present but I think they paid the change and they get worked up by chopping and changing so really can't change the flight. They don't have much cash so we would have to pay for hotel - loads of money but worth it to prevent me having a freak out in front of them. I think I have a whole guilt thing going on about us not living in NZ or visiting enough and that is affecting the way I am thinking about what otherwise would seem a silly situation. I don't think we could afford more than a week so am wondering whether to suggest the first week or later so is light at the end of the tunnel. I am sure they will have no idea how stressed I am. It doesn't help that my sister in law who is English has chosen to live in NZ and flies back and forth with 2 kids with ease. I do feel a bit like the wicked witch keeping the family apart. Even a hotel doesn't really sort it as they will be here all day. It's just when one starts thinking about stupid things like where we will all sit on sofas - so I say to dh, I don't want to feed in front of them and he says ok I will sit with them and you can go upstairs and so I say great so I am on my own upstairs and he says ok I will sit with you and then I have this ridiculous image of his parents and us sitting on separate floors. I may be over worrying because feeding may not be the marathon of screaming and pumping it was last time. I was sort of expecting the reaction here to be - ok not ideal but it will sort itself out and you will regret being unwelcoming - so has made me rethink a bit. Should have posted months ago when could have changed the flight.

OP posts:

pommedechocolat · 01/09/2011 19:21

It will ruin your relationship with them for good if you stick to this plan.

Original poster

veryworriedme · 01/09/2011 19:27

LineRunner - no they don't know. Probably will feel bad about it but I thought it would be easier that way as means we have the run of the house in the middle of the night. Had not really thought about c section, stitches etc. May have to rethink sleeping ( hah!) arrangements.

OP posts:

Inertia · 01/09/2011 19:31

You sleeping on a sofa bed after the birth is insanity. You will be in pain, bleeding everywhere, leaking milk, hormonal - you need your own bed and some privacy. Midwife doing post-partum checks in the front room, with audience- really?p

If you are attempting to BF in bed, then the risk of you falling asleep while doing so is significant - and the design of sofa beds makes that a huge risk for your baby. Are you and DH really willing to increase SIDS risk to avoid upsetting his parents?

If a B&B is out of the question, offer PIL the sofa bed or an airbeds in older DC's room.

Inertia · 01/09/2011 19:37

Why do you need the run of the house in the night?

Look, they booked for your due date and want to stay with you. They either expect the disturbance that comes with living with a newborn, or stay in a hotel if they want peaceful nights.

And if you need peace to establish BF then you need your own room (take your ipod!) . If you've given up your room you'll be stressed about milk, blood, baby vomit, poo etc over all your ILs stuff.

metalelephant · 01/09/2011 19:57

Don't blame yourself for inviting them over, you even paid for the ticket!

Without wanting to sound all doom and gloom, it's very likely that it will be a hard few weeks, with a screaming baby and permanent hanging out boobs. You will be tired, emotional and bleeding and need yor privacy.

So, get dh to book them a hotel or b&b for at least a week. Then if they come to yours, they take the sofa bed and you get the bedroom, that should include a tv, books, maybe a kettle.

You will need privacy and a place for daytime naps, do you honestly think you can do that in a living room?

If your DS wakes up from the baby's crying then your DH should go to him and let you deal with the baby. Besides, in a two bed house I imagine you will hear the baby from every room!

If all else fails, and your DH insists he wants his parents around and in the bedroom, then you pack a bag and go to a b&b yourself. Honestly, it will be less stressful and you'll get a lovely fried breakfast every single yummy day!

SauvignonBlanche · 01/09/2011 20:00

Rather you than me!
I wouldn't do it.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 01/09/2011 20:07

With any luck you'll be late.

Either way you need to insist that you keep your bedroom at the very least.

PorkChopSter · 01/09/2011 20:09

No no no - you will need to have a door to shut, somewhere to crash for half an hour, somewhere to sleep next to baby - and how will you have a cosy family snuggle in bed with both DC on a sofa bed in the lounge and your ILs watching?

At the very least keep your room. The chance of waking DC1 up in the night will be slim. The chances of you going mad in the living room will be high.

If your ILs are as nice as you say, I don't see a problem with them staying - just not in your room.

And if they are as nice as you say, if things do get too much they will slope off to a hotel for a few nights.

PorkChopSter · 01/09/2011 20:13

And how can you have snuggle early night or afternoon nap or expressing session or airing nipple session without your room? Or what if in the middle of the night you leak through the spare set of PJs you took out of your wardrobe already - are you going to sneak into your room while your ILs are asleep in it to get more?

MrsHairyWhitemouse · 01/09/2011 20:19

Bedroom = your sanctuary

B&B = their sanctuary

cleanteeth · 01/09/2011 20:22

:( this sounds really unfair on you. i would never suggest stopping at someones house for that long if they've just had a newborn - its madness! you need time to adjust to having a new baby and be able to sit around with your boobs out!!

sounds like there's no way you can change it now though unfortunately so sounds like your going to have to grin and bear it. it will be hard but if you are close with your husband im sure you'll get through it

congratulations on your imminent arrival!

Yama · 01/09/2011 20:37

Jesus Christ - this is one of the most ill-thought ideas I have ever read about on MN.

My mil is lovely, I really love her. She came to stay to help while I was in hospital having dc2. If she hadn't left the day after I got home it would have affected our relationship. I needed privacy and space.

You need to make your dh understand. You could end up very very depressed as it will be very claustrophobic.

Chundle · 01/09/2011 20:41

Sounds awkward. But you will have just had a new baba you will be sore and you will be bleeding and you will be bf. And you never know you may need a section! Why don't you do a week at yours a week in b&b etc that way it gives you bit if break and them a bit of break? Either way you will need your bed and if it came to you need needing an emer section there is no way you could lie on a sofa bed! Sorry but you have to think of every eventuality

lachesis · 01/09/2011 20:41

'If all else fails, and your DH insists he wants his parents around and in the bedroom, then you pack a bag and go to a b&b yourself. Honestly, it will be less stressful and you'll get a lovely fried breakfast every single yummy day! '

And piss off all the other clients who don't want to hear a newborn screaming all night.

A B&B is a treat for us as a couple, we would not be amused to be woken by a baby.

Better to book the family room at a Premier Inn - very soundproof and they o a buffet breakfast in the morning

PfftTheMagicDraco · 01/09/2011 20:47

They should stay somewhere else.

Staying with someone for a month after they have given birth - when the only viable sleeping option means the host sleeping on a sofa bed - is madness.

They should stay in a b&b or hotel, make a proper holiday of it.

Yama · 01/09/2011 20:49

Actually op - are you sure your 'lovely' pil have agreed to this. They must be really stupid if they think this is a viable plan.

Original poster

veryworriedme · 01/09/2011 21:03

Well, I have had the conversation with dh now and he is on google looking at b and b availability! I don't think he or I had thought it through properly. I will leave him to have the awkward conversation on skype. Thank you all, I think I just needed to know if I was being a bit precious and the resounding "no" from you has meant I could be firmer about this. The more I read your posts the more mad I realised it would be and that even if they are a bit hurt frankly we have to come first. Was a stupid mess to get into but at least doing something about it now. Thank you so much for taking the time to post. You have saved me from at best total embarrassment in front of my in laws. I shall now stride around the house knicker free, boobs out and deranged , without audience. Just my mother to deal with now!

OP posts:

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