To dread my pil visiting for the birth

[veryworriedme]

i think I already know I am but it is a question of how much. I am due to give birth in a few weeks and my pil are travelling from NZ to stay with us for a month from a few days before my due date. My mil visited before when my ds was 5 months but my fil has never met him and he is now 18m. I have been terrible about refusing to travel to NZ (partly because last time I got a dvt but also because of being a wimp about doing it with ds) and so they are forced to come here. We have a 2 bed house so dh, the newborn and me will sleep on the sofa bed in the sitting room so we don't disturb them in the night. I think what I am worrying about though is how I will be in those few weeks after birth. Last time I found breastfeeding a nightmare (ds was a bit premature) and spent my whole time weeping with a boob out. The only way I coped was by having 4 hrs sleep solid by sleeping in the spare room which I won't be able to do this time. My pil are very sweet people but they are not very independent and so likely to be in the house all day and I don't know them well enough to be comfortable being a mess in front of them. I suggested to my dh that they stay in a local hotel for a week to let us get ourselves together but he was v hurt. Am I being selfish? Or worrying over nothing as maybe it is easier second time round.....

[veryworriedme]

Hmmm yes, I think a short term let may be a better plan as they could hang out there more and be pomme's parents rather than pil. I will get on to that straight away. It was only when I talked it through with dh after posting that he told me they were coming on those particular dates as they were the only ones his dad could get off work till next year. I don't think postponing is really an option . Yup, and day trip leaflets is a good tip! Good luck on Monday sewmuchtodo!

[pommedechocolat]

I find it hard to not answer pil posts ledkr!

[ledkr]

pomme fancy seeing you here

I dont think that a dh who doesnt want to upset his parents is necessary a bad husband,mine is certainly a loving and kind man who wants the best for me and the children but he also loves him parents and that is why he is such a great family man.It is hard to ask your parents to stay in a hotel asnd the parents shouldnt put their kids in that situation.

I aggree that the b and b wont help if they are anything like my pils would be there at the crack of dawn untill midnight.

I have a thread in relationships if anyone is interested in the fallout of not getting this right.

[pommedechocolat]

We had visits with gp's staying one night in a hotel soon after birth.

PILS first - left ours at 10pm and arrived back at 9am the next morning - horrific.

My parents left at 5pm (leaving us with a tea that just needed warming) and rang at 10am to see when they should come back - much better.

You need to make your PILS behave like my parents even with the b and b option things could still be a bit difficult.

[Chundle]

Fab that he's looking at b and b now wht you need to do is get online and fine them loads of free days out they can go on nearby so they're not on your doorstep all the time and get them loads of leaflets :)

[Sewmuchtodo]

I have my own parents on there way today (due induction on monday) and although we live in a relatively big house (4 bed, 2reception rooms) we already have 2 kids and im still getting stressed about 'needing my space'.

i would have them on the sofa bed for a start if a hotel is really not an option, you need your own bed, good support and to feel comfortable.....not to be asking if its ok to come into your own room everytime you need a new pair of knickers!

[Eglu]

I think it's great that your DH has agreed to the week in a B&B, but it is still not ideal. Are they going to be on your doorstep first thing? You will have mw visits etc. to contend with. It really is a terrible time for them to come, and they have really not thought this through I'm sure.

[eurochick]

For a month, a short term let might be cheaper than a B&B and would give your PIL the flexibility to make their own tea/coffee/breakfast and make themselves at home.

I think it is a terrible time to visit though. It's a time for you and your husband and son to bond with the baby. You really don't need other family members in the way for more than a few hours here and there. And as someone else has pointed out, newborns don't do anything. They would be better off postponing for a few months until you are settled and the baby is interracting with people a bit.

[cottonreels]

I tgink youvemade the right decision, but you're obviously going to have some space issues for a wee while soon. I have a suggestion.
Buy a nice tent (or use an old tent) and put it up in the garden if you have one. Get some comfy airbeds or a comfy sun lounger and use it as a space for anyone to get a lie down/cup of tea in peace.
Disclaimer: Im not suggesting you co- sleep out there, thats obviously not right/dangerous. Just a bit of quiet space.
Check these out:
//www.belltent.co.uk

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

These things do have an impact on long term emotional and mental health for the mum.

My dad was grieving my mum when my first dc was born as was I obviously. We were all in a terrible state. I used to go over and see my dad as much as possible, every couple of days as he needed me. At weekends I would go over on one of the days. My PIL refused to come and visit us because they are lazy fuckers and my DH felt really sad about this so I used to get pursuaded to go and visit them as well (think he felt guilty if we didn't). So literally ALL my time was taken up visiting the GPs. I hardly had time to look after my baby between all this and as a result breastfeeding failed, I got PND and all sorts of other problems. I wish I had been strong enough to say "No! My dad needs us right now, your parents don't, if they want to see the baby they can get off their arses".

[NestaFiesta]

Poor you OP. Family pressure can be a bugger.

My MIL announced that she was coming to stay with us for a week after DS1's birth. To my eternal admiration, DH told her we were having NO overnight guests at all until the baby was in a routine. That applied to my family and his family and we stuck to our guns.

MIL went nuts (she's lovely. NOT) but eventually calmed down. We placated her by inviting her to see DS1 in hospital the day after he was born and staying in a B and B. DH picked her up and dropped her off so she could visit in the day at our convenience.

You need to forget about whether your DH is hurt or not. Also, what if you have to have an emergency Csection? I did and was not expecting it at all. There is a 6 week recovery period.

It is unreasonable and unacceptable to entertain houseguests whilst recovering from childbirth. it's not just the lack or privacy and the obligation to make sure they're OK, it's the times when you just don't want to talk to anyone but feel you must despite being up all night.

No way should anyone's needs come before those of a newborn and their recovering post partum mother.

[ledkr]

Do not allow this to happen. We asked my pils not to be here the first night home from hospital and they manipulated and ignored their way into being here,trying to stay,demanding food,and eventually staying untill 10 o clock without lifting a finger,we were made to feel very uncomfortable about asking them to leave.
7 months later this has had a major detremental effect upon us all.
I resent dh for allowing this to happen,had pnd largely i think due to this (baby was sick and taken back into hospital so we never got our first night home) i struggle to like my pils due to their behaviour and so they dont get to see their gc as much as they should.
I am trying but its not getting any easier to forgive them.
Pleas have whta you like and need,yes its important for them to see their new grand child but its far more important for you and baby to feel happy and comfortable.

[20wkbaby]

What are they planning to do while you are in labour? This would worry me as much as them being around post-birth. How can you possibly relax? Why would anyone even want to be around at a time when they must know they would be intruding on someone's privacy let alone a special time for the family? What would happen if you had complications and DH was having to look after them rather than you?

I would seriously have had a meltdown by now even thinking about it (I am 35 wks pg).

[metalelephant]

fairyqueen, meeting your newborn grandchild is special indeed, but the visit should last a few hours or a couple of days. Not a month! As the OP said, her PIL are nice but not independent and would probably stay in all day.

Also, I have the PIL from heaven, they are the nicest people and we get on brilliantly - but I wouldn't dare give them a list of stuff to do. I can ask my mum and dad to help with washing and cleaning and whatever else, but asking them to make tea for the guests? Not really.

Somebody that considers it normal to share a 2 bed house with a newborn for a month doesn't quite realise that they're in the way and should never have planned it or booked a hotel themselves.

[fairyqueen]

People seem to be missing the point that seeing your grandchild AS A NEWBORN is pretty special, which is probably what the Pil want. Wherever they sleep, I can't imagine th ey will be expecting to be waited on as guests. I suggest that you right now make a list of all the things they can do to make that first few weeks easier rather than harder. This could include, doing the washing, shopping, takeaway collecting, rushing out for the bit of babykit you didn't think you needed, getting tea for any other visitors, putting the bins out etc. Do the list now so you don'tneed to think at the time. Most importantly, they can spend time with their older grandchild, getting to know him, tking him to the park, to whatever activities youll be too knackered to tqke him to, and out of the way when the midwife calls.

If they're being useful they won't be in the way, and If they're as nice as you they'll be glad to do it and probably greatful for their time being kept occupied.

[iscream]

You know, a flight change may cost about the same as the B&B, and may be the best solution. You could do the booking at a time you will be healed from the birth. The pregnancy was not factored in a being unknown when the current flight was booked.
There can't be many people who would feel hurt by a flight change due to a medical/childbirth situation.
Hope you work out the perfect plan.

[A1980]

Sod this: I think you should pay for another flight change.

What on earth is the point in coming to see a newborn baby who will barely be alert most of the time other than to scream for feeds. They ought to have come when the baby was at least 3-6 months old and more alert and settled. It would be a nicer expereince for them to be able to connect and play with the baby when it is older and you would be recovered from the birth too.

I would seriously suggest it.

[LineRunner]

Where's your mother staying?

[blackeyedsusan]

you invited them for afte the birth, they have chosen to ignorre you and booked it before, especially as some babies come late.

and you are not unreasonable for not flying to new zealand ever again. you have had dvt once and a second time you may not be so lucky. for that reasion, you also need your bed so you have room to prop your feet up or whatever it is you need to do to decrease the risk post partum/late pregnancy.

do not ever feel guilty for not flying after dvt

[FabbyChic]

I slept on a three seater sofa with my son until he was over a year old, then we migrated to the floor. There was no way I was sleeping with his father a bed! ouch.

[unsuspectingclodpate]

don't believe this.

[TastyMuffins]

I slept on the sofa for first two nights after giving birth. And lay on it for the first two or three days. It was only because I wasn't able to get upstairs or go anywhere and the bathroom is downstairs but honestly it wasn't that bad. Depends what sort of sofa or sofabed you have.

When I had family over from NZ to stay recently, I offered my room (I was going to share with DS) but they declined and said they didn't want to invade my space and stayed on the sofabed in the living room. TBH I found this more of an invasion, they were just there the whole time. I hated trying to keep DS out of the living room in the mornings when they were still asleep or feeling I was disturbing them if they wanted to go to bed sooner. I also had their clothes and things in my living room so it didn't really feel like my space.

I'm sure if your PIL are staying in your room (if that is what you would feel best with) then they would no doubt retreat to your room if you need privacy as they would feel a bit awkward hanging round during MW visits and awkward feeding, they could take your older child off to the park or out for a walk during these times. Most PILs will make themselves useful during this time and respect that it is difficult.

Work out what is best for you, especially sleeping arrangements, discuss all the permutations with your DH and ask him to support you and accept that it may be very awkward. Ask your DH to discuss things with them like privacy for feeds and how you feel about this. Your PILs will probably want to help out, so if they ask if there is anything they can do, tell them and let them help. Get them doing the laundry and washing up if they ask and don't be afraid. Whatever you do, don't try to be the perfect hostess and entertain them. Prepare some tourist information for them and ideas of local places to go, especially places they can take your DS. Make them useful.

Plenty of people have their PILs to stay during this time and get on just great.

[PinkFondantFancy]

Well done OP, glad your DH sees it the same way too. Good luck with everything!

[SouthernFriedTofu]

Ignore previous raving post. Glad you got it sorted


That will be all.

[metalelephant]

Yay! Great news, glad it's being sorted!