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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dread my pil visiting for the birth

109 replies

veryworriedme · 01/09/2011 17:01

i think I already know I am but it is a question of how much. I am due to give birth in a few weeks and my pil are travelling from NZ to stay with us for a month from a few days before my due date. My mil visited before when my ds was 5 months but my fil has never met him and he is now 18m. I have been terrible about refusing to travel to NZ (partly because last time I got a dvt but also because of being a wimp about doing it with ds) and so they are forced to come here. We have a 2 bed house so dh, the newborn and me will sleep on the sofa bed in the sitting room so we don't disturb them in the night. I think what I am worrying about though is how I will be in those few weeks after birth. Last time I found breastfeeding a nightmare (ds was a bit premature) and spent my whole time weeping with a boob out. The only way I coped was by having 4 hrs sleep solid by sleeping in the spare room which I won't be able to do this time. My pil are very sweet people but they are not very independent and so likely to be in the house all day and I don't know them well enough to be comfortable being a mess in front of them. I suggested to my dh that they stay in a local hotel for a week to let us get ourselves together but he was v hurt. Am I being selfish? Or worrying over nothing as maybe it is easier second time round.....

OP posts:

OhdearNigel · 01/09/2011 17:33

Your H sounds like a complete and utter dickhead if he thinks his parents' comfort is more important than yours.

I absolutely cannot believe what I am reading frankly. You seem to think it's perfectly acceptable; you are only going to get 32 pages of people telling you how ridiculous the situation is.

3littlefrogs · 01/09/2011 17:35

They, and your husband, are unbelievably thoughtless and selfish.

Other than that - well - words fail me.

Iggly · 01/09/2011 17:36

Can they change the flights? Ask if they can because otherwise this will do serious damage to your relationship with them and your DH if it goes wrong (it will) and you end up resentful.

coastgirl · 01/09/2011 17:40

We have a two-week-old and although we live away from our families and have a spare room, we have banned overnight guests for the time being. This has annoyed some people but I don't care - and given the amount of time I've spent with boobs out/ wandering around half-dressed with a yelling baby in the last two weeks, I know it was the right decision.

Original poster

veryworriedme · 01/09/2011 17:41

I think I have made too much of the sofa bed thing. I am sure they would be more than happy to sleep on it ( they have before) but then they are in the middle of the house and I can't face having to make conversation at 1,2,3,4 and 5am as dh and I try to deal with a screaming baby ( as we would need to take her away from ds's room which is next to ours. Just logistics really rather than any great sacrifice on my part. I am a bit worried about the physical recovery aspect but most of all as some have said, its the audience thing and any effect on bonding. Maybe I do need to spk to dh again about a hotel part of the time. I guess I have been thinking "just get through it without damaging the relationship with pil" when maybe the real point is the risk of pnd etc. The funny thing is that now I have a son I can see how awful it would be not to be welcomed into his home.

OP posts:

levantine · 01/09/2011 17:42

I agree with Iggly, this is so much more likely to damage your relationship than to strengthen it. They need to change their flights or book a hotel, or both

zelda1982 · 01/09/2011 17:42

The day dd2 was born MIL and her partner and dp's niece (she was about 17 then) all came up on the same same day to stay at ours. I have to say i totally didnt mind BUT I would NOT have given up my bed for them and they would never of expected me to either. PIL slept in bunk beds (which they had bought in preparation - but came in handy as now have 3 dd's lol) and niece on an airbed.

zelda1982 · 01/09/2011 17:43

I would try not to worry about your ds, kids tend to sleep through anything. I was worried about dd1 when dd2 was born but i dont think she woke once.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 01/09/2011 17:43

YANBU - Please ask them to consider postponing their trip until you are on a bit more of an even keel. Having baby no 2 is not as much as a baby-shock as the first, but it does still take time to get used to. I would honestly get them to postpone until a few months after the baby is born.

If they can't or are desperate to see the baby immediately after birth get them to stay in a hotel / with a family member. Or maybe there could do some travel round Europe / the UK and have two or three much shorter stays with you (them on sofa bed)?

Let's face it no one wants their in laws sitting there when they are getting to grips with breastfeeding...

blackeyedsusan · 01/09/2011 17:43

and you think that telling them to sleep on the sofa bed is going to spoil the relationshuip? my goodness, there will be no relationship left if you have to sleep on the sofa bed. have a word with your midwife and see what she says to the whole idea.

OhdearNigel · 01/09/2011 17:45

You think it's no big deal. Everyone else thinks it's ridiculous and now you are defending this absurd situation. Why bother posting at all ? If you want to sleep on a sofabed with a new baby and sit round making polite conversation then that's your lookout.

"now I have a son I can see how awful it would be not to be welcomed into his home."

When you are are a MIL I suggest you don't get offended if your DIL does not invite you to stay with her for a month, in her bed, just after she has given birth.

blackeyedsusan · 01/09/2011 17:48

unwelcome in your sons house? i doubt you would be daft enough to want to stay for 4 weeks straight after dil gives birth, and you will raise your son to be moe considerate of his wife/partner

Popple · 01/09/2011 17:49

I think you need to stay in your room. It does sound as though you have overcomplicated the situation by asking them to change their visit from August. It is only you who keeps changing your mind which is unfair on everyone - but I think you know this!

Is your ds such a light sleeper that a crying baby will wake him? I don't even remember worrying about that with my two. Just keep bedroom doors shut - most dcs are next door to their parents' room & have to put up with a crying newborn sibling.

Rowena8482 · 01/09/2011 17:50

Just remind your DH, they are HIS parents. To you they are practically strangers who want to guest in your home at a really stressful time. You don't know them, and don't feel at ease or able to relax around them. Which is more important to your DH - the possible hurt feelings of his parents (for all he knows they would understand perfectly - they have been parents of a newborn themselves once upon a time after all) or the mental and physical well being of his wife and children?

fuzzywuzzy · 01/09/2011 17:50

OP, are you sure sofabed will be appropriate for you and newborn, if your bf and have the baby in bed with you is the bed going to be big enough, comfortable enough, also have you considered how you'll cope on a sofabed if you've had stitches?

I'm just thinking of ours & no way would I have been able to sleep on a sofabed with a newborn & a seriously messed up fanjo, not even going to think about the whole lochia thing. I'd have had a breakdown if I had to entertain guests for a month in which I gave birth.

kat2504 · 01/09/2011 17:53

Ridiculous. Why on earth can't they come after a few weeks when things have settled down a bit. They would have a much nicer visit then.

You need to make yourself and your baby the top priority for those early days.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 01/09/2011 17:58

Kat makes a really good point - they themselves would have a nicer visit if they postpone for a bit. I have just thought of something worse than sleeping on a sofa bed with a newborn and trying to get to grips with breastfeeding in front of an audience. That is being that audience - would be boring and embarrassing by turn.

SnakeOnCrack · 01/09/2011 17:59

Difficult one, as I can see both sides, but I say.. if they're there before you go into labour, they'll be handy childcare for your son.. then the day you come home, they can go to a nearby hotel for a week. This will give you some time alone as a family of a night (I'm assuming they'd be over at yours every day). Then after that you may feel up to having visitors in the house.

If your husband is from New Zealand then I can see the issue, they love hosting and would be horrified to not have guests stay in their actual house, it's just not the done thing..

Original poster

veryworriedme · 01/09/2011 18:00

I do sound like a bit of a wimp, I think it is just because I have failed to get across how kind my dh and his parents are. Objectively I couldn't agree with ohdearnigel's summary more. It is madness to go and stay with someone for a month in these circumstances. I guess I feel I am a bit to blame for that and it is too late to change tickets etc .my mum lives abroad (and yes she is coming to stay straight after argh!) so can't stay with her. But I think all your comments have given me the balls to try to discuss hotel for a bit with dh again.

OP posts:

snoopdogg · 01/09/2011 18:01

I wonder how much your PIL are looking forward to being in a small house with a toddler and a newborn, potentially sleeping in the front room and equally having to be up and dressed at stupid o'clock after being disturbed throughout the night by a knackered dil who's trying to establish feeding.

They might be much happier to stay at a B&B and swoop in like daily super heros to take up the slack for you.

happygilmore · 01/09/2011 18:03

Please show your DH this thread. God I could have killed my DH when he brought his parents to see me after I'd given birth and said no visitors (I'd had a major PPH, infections, eclampsia etc etc)..but to have them stay for a month?

Please don't do it, it will be a nightmare. I'm sure they're nice people but you need to feel relaxed in your own home after you;ve given birth.

unsuspectingclodpate · 01/09/2011 18:08

Please for the love of Christ get yourself out of this arrangement quick. Its already causing you so much stress

Last baby I had involved a very complicated birth, a baby that refused to sleep all night and pnd induced screaming at my poor DH. Enough madness without the intolerable strain of putting up guests.

I hope the birth is great but you just can't know how it will be. do yourself a big favour.

blackeyedsusan · 01/09/2011 18:17

if you haave a c section, you ill need your bed. if you have stitches and they do not heal well, you will need your bed. if you have post partum haemorrhage, you will need your bed. you will need your bed to breastfeed, there is simply not enough room on a sofa bed, and some have an awfully big gap at the head of the bed and you ill not be able to prop yourself up to feed. if you get sore nipples you will need to alter position so need a big wide bed. you also spend a lot of time with your boobs hanging out and you will need to go knickerless to air your undercarriage if you have stitches. do you really want to be airing your undercarriage with fil looking on?

pink4ever · 01/09/2011 18:30

Pointless people commenting on this thread as poster is already backtracking with the usual oh no my dh is wonderful really?. No he is not kind and thoughtful-if he was he wouldnt be using emotional blackmail to get you to agree with his parents staying.
Its nothing to do with not being welcoming. Asking them to spend at least the first week in a hotel while you recover is perfectly reasonable and if they cant see that-am including your dh here-then they are frankly arses.
Heres a story I have told before on mn-on the day I got out of hosp after c-section dh decided it would be a good idea to have a family barbeque-he spent 2 hours building the damn thing-leaving me to look after 3 dcs and go to shops for formula-then buggered off out for a further 2 hours-leaving me to entertain pil,sil and dn's. Please dont be a doormat like I was.

scottishmummy · 01/09/2011 18:33

congratulations on imminent arrival. and certainly pil stay in a hotel
you need to prioritise you and new baby and family.and having them mooching about is an additional hassle.

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