...to ask if those of you without siblings would have preferred growing up with a brother or sister?

[MissMississippi]

...and now as an adult, what are your views on 'an only child'?

DH and I have one DC. He was very much wanted. We always said we would have two kids. But I love him so much I don't know if I want to (a) change his life too much by giving him a sibling or (b) that I have enough love fir another child (maybe I am being silly!).

But on the other hand maybe he would love having a sibling to play with now, and as an adult someone else important in his life other than me and DH (as we have a small family).

So those MNers who didn't have siblings as a child - how did you feel?

Good and bad points. As a child it never really registered with me, but now as the only child of older parents it's bloody hard and I would love to have a sibling to take some of the strain. I worry about how I'll remember the little things about my childhood when both my parents are gone I would never have chosen to have just one child myself and we were lucky enough to have 2 DCs.

I am on of four and Dh is one of three.
We had our DS very young I was 22 and Dh was 26, for eleven years Ds was the only child, after DS was born both of us were convinced that he was the only child we ever wanted to have, but something changed for us, and I think deciding factor was the fact that DS would be growing up and going trough life all alone, today DS has a sister he absolutely adores, and all my reservations (Will I be able to love another child as much as I loved DS?) were put to rest, we all love her very much, she revitalised us, and made our family complete.

I would say go for it, his life if anything will change for the better, after all three is odd number, four is so much better.

I forgot to add that as a very content only, I'm planning to have an only child myself.

I am an only and never have I ever wished for a sibling.

I hated being an only child. When I was little I found it isolating. I was used to being around adults and it was difficult to fit in with children my own age because I wasnt used to dealing with them. As I got older, I had the sole focus of my parents attention and it was exceptionally difficult to deal with. I think that this may have a bit to do with my parents. My mother didnt take me to any playgroups etc as she wanted me to do things with her only until I went to school and I didnt know how to behave with people my own age. As I got older, she wanted me to do everything her way and she didnt work most of the time so had all the time in the world to focus on making sure I did it.

Interestingly I married another OC. DHs mother was unable to have any more children but I think from what she said she would have liked at least one more. We are both - not emotionally needy hopefully- but used to a lot of input from the people we live with and we are able to give each other that without being irritated. Apparently it is a classic thing though that only children do look for approval a lot.

We decided it wasnt fair to have one child with not even any aunts, uncles or cousins around. It is difficult though, they at this point would love to be only children some of the time, they wind each other up a lot, but then you see them curled up together and its lovely. They have a relationship I cannot understand, exasperating and adoring each other in equal parts, and I envy them that.

More people in your life are more people to love I would say. Dont hold back for fear of it having and adverse effect on your son!

rhondajean you have put it so beautifully, and yes that's what it feels like for us.
My only regret is not having DD sooner, I would have been OK age wise to consider even third one

I know it sounds cruel, but for several reasons I have in recent years felt I would want my child to have a brother or sister. For various reasons outside my control I have found myself the only child of a single parent with literally no other relatives in the world - that is an incredibly lonely and scary place to be in your early 30's with an ailing parent. A sibling would, even if they took no responsibility or even part in my life, at least be an emblem against my 'aloneness' which I've felt since youth. Im sure it wasn't my parents intention, and I mean not to be harsh to anyone who cannot provide a sibling for their child- but in honesty if there are no uncles, aunts, grandparents or cousins left, and especially with one parent - being an only is very hard.

They are also both sleeping now strict, so I can sit back and think how beautiful they are without wanting to throttle them for arguing all the time

Same here rhonda dd in bed, but ds 16 here with me winding me up, I still wouldn't change it for the world

my dh is an only child and struggles to understand the relationship I have with my sisters (one of which has since passed away).

The focus when he was growing up was all on him and this has proved problematic at first when our DS had the usual sibling fights etc as he couldn't understand the dynamics.

However, I am one of three and I was very sure that I only wanted 2 dc as I felt that my parents were torn in so many ways in having 3 kids with completely different outlooks/hobbies etc that I wouldn't be fair to anymore dc if i had more than 2

Only child here. I hated it, felt lonely all the time, wanted to be in any house with lots of children. Did not learn to argue in a secure environment, did not learn to share, this really affected my relationships in my earlier years. However, another friend I know loved it.

I loved being an only child. I had plenty of friends and was never lonely. I can't identify with the feeling of being the sole focus of my parents attention- for me it wasn't/ isn't like that. I wonder if that feeling comes from the type of parents that you have as much as being an only?

My mum is also an only and had to care for her mother as she got older. She had no siblings to help, but me and my step dad helped and supported her and I don't think she missed having siblings at that point. She didn't see her mother as a burden. Many of mums friends with siblings squabble over who is doing the most work when it comes to caring for their ageing parents.

I have an only DS. He is very happy. He has lots of friends. DP and I love being with him so much and I even enjoy getting down on the floor and playing with him.

My dad was an only, with half-brothers born to different mothers (my grandfather seems to have been unable to keep his hands off his secretaries). In the circumstances, he didn't really get much chance to know the others, as all three mothers hated each other.
He was absolutely determined not to have only one himself. My sisters have been a total godsend since our dad died, looking after mother has been a massive job. On the other hand, it would have been nice not to have been told that I couldn't go to a very good public school that I'd won a partial scholarship for because they still couldn't afford even 50% of the fees. But on balance, I think I'm happier with three (mostly) wonderful sisters than being an only child with a fantastic education and the opportunities it might have brought with it.

I'm an only, and the only child of my generation on one side of the family, so it's down to me to look after the old folks by myself, and I have no-one to have a shared history with. I loved being an only as a child, at least I never yearned for siblings. My hubbie is also an only and did want siblings. I really envy those who have close sibling or cousin relationships since I became a mother, it must be wonderful to have family of your own generation you can really really rely on with whom you have a shared history, if my hubbie and I died my daughters would have no-one to learn about me and our family from.
I empathise with moulesvinrouge.

I have two children, tho it wasn't particularly planned, I would have been ok with one if that's how it had turned out, but glad for them they will have each other tbh.

Things I didn't enjoy as an only was extra focus on me, an expectation of better behaviour and idiots who gave me presents like games that needed more than one player ....
Never heard before that onlys require approval, I certainly don't, maybe that's reactionary on my part tho Rhondajean ...

I'm an only and hate(d) it with a vengeance. I would have loved a brother or sister as a child and still would. I also hated the snide comments, even from teachers about being an only. Even now, my mother in law who taught for 35 years will say things oh that boy was an only and wasn't the same as the others. Pressed for more info she then cannot find one reason to actually criticise the child. That sort of thing carried through into adulthood and in general chats about families when one says one was an only there's alwasy a pause and a "oh an only child" as though it's something wrong. That's what I hate a perception based on few grounds.

On balance I think only children are less compromising and stonger willed but they are also more independent. I really don't think they are unable to share and have experience far more difficulties with those from large families being possessive or greedy than from only children.

As a woman of 50, it worries me greatly that I will have no-one to share the care of my mother with over the next 10 to 15 years but on the other hand I know lots of families where only one sibling fulfils this responsibility.

My parents were both only children and neither had any desire to have another child.

I, however, was desperate for my ds to have a sibling and it drove me through two miscarriages and a neonatal death to have another baby.

One thing I would like to reassure you about OP, if you do go for it, is that I too worried about not being able to love ds as much when the baby came and agonised over how I would equally share the love. But when the time came, a new baby doesn't come alone, it comes with another great big dollop of love and there is more than enough to share because it doesn't even double, it seems to triple and there's more than enough to go round.

My greatest regret in life is not having a third!

If going to have a second have it sooner rather than later.

There are 10 years between my sister and I, as my parents ummed and ahhed over whether to have another one or not.

My sister hated the arrival of the little one as she had 10 years of being the focus of attention and not having to share mum and dad.

I on the other hand felt that I had all the negatives of being a sibling e.g. sharing parents time, having to consider what my sibling was doing, sharing presents etc, and all the negatives of being an only e.g. no ready made playmate, parents forgetting stages in life (as I did things 10 years after my sister) they would focus to hard on academic success.

I was also worried about being able to have the same mad love affair with my second child, marriedinwhite, that's how I feel about my second and our family now, the love tripled, which came as a great big lovely shock to me.

I'm a singleton and was packed off to boarding school at 9, while my parents moved house a couple of times (took ages to find out where they were ;-)). As a result I didn't know anyone where we lived and holidays were a fairly lonely time; I was also quite socially inept (my DW says I still am on occasion). My mother always wanted more DCs but my Dad refused (and I've recently discovered, packed me off to school to keep me out of the way). Still, I've always been able to entertain myself and don't have a problem with being on my own. I do sometimes end up on the outside in groups though.

I would love to have had a sibling; particularly a sister. Being an only boy and going to single-sex boarding schools gave me a somewhat skewed view of the
opposite sex, which took a while to sort out and I might have been a more rounded human being with some company.

It took a long time for my wife to persuade me to have children and then we had twins, which makes the debate irrelevant from my current perspective. My twins only have one aunt and one uncle and currently no prospect of cousins, which could be something to consider as well. We're not planning any more though.

People who were miserable only children might have been miserable with siblings. It could be down to the personality of the child. Plenty of whingers who have brothers or sisters, too. I was 1 of 4 and think I would have thrived as an only - just as my DD is doing.

When I think of my childhood, I just think of the word lonely. Never had anyone to play with on holiday, spent a lot of time living in my own imagination. Lots of spoilt only child comments when i was growing up and was quite aloof (and still can be) - didn't really know how to relate to other people and still have a degree of angst over this. I have lots of internal stress over my relationship with my parents and no one to check in with on this - I don't know whether what i think are childhood memories are actually true half of the time.

Wasn't particularly bother about being on one my own as a child - had friends over all the time. But I do find it hard now as an adult. Both my parents had terminal illnesses in their 40s - nursing them through it alone and now being without anyone who remembers my childhood is hard.

I am an only child and didn't miss having siblings at all when i was little. i was very independent and had lots of friends. Now i'm grown up i do think it's a shame that i have no one to help with elderly parents and when they're gone there'll be no one with whom to share memories of my childhood. i have 2 dd who are very close and i think it's a shame that they don't have any cousins on my side of the family esp as we live abroad. so on the whole i reckon there are pros and cons, you just have to do what you think will be best for you

My mum was an on;ly child but was in the peculiar situation of living in the same house as 2 of her cousins, one slightly older than her (male) and one a lot younger (female). They all shared a garden and played together, yet she didn't ever see that she had some of the "benefits" of siblings. She didn't like them all that much, and they didn't like each other all that much (personalities) - and always felt that it would have been different with her own siblings.
So she made sure that I had siblings. And expected me to be grateful for it, and told me so (a surefire way to ensure that gratitude is the last emotion that's going to be experienced!).

Now I am grateful that I have my sister. Not remotely bothered about the other one. But if I was an only, my Dad might have considered moving to Australia with us - he can't because of my sister, but equally she is there for him whenever he needs help. And now she might as well be an only child because she is the one who lives near Dad and has to help him out; the other one does the bare minimum and I doubt will ever be seen again when Dad has gone.

But I didn't get on with my sister until we were in our 20s - far too different in every way.

As far as shared memories are concerned, I might as well be an only child - my sister remembers nothing about our childhood and the other one has a warped view of everything.

So, swings and roundabouts - have one and they might love it OR they might be lonely and wish for siblings; have more than one and they might love each other or develop competitive hatred or be so different that there might as well be no blood link there at all.

YOu can't know which way things will pan out - you just have to do what feels right to you, for you and your family.

How would they know?

Equally, I grew up with a brother, I can't answer if I would have preferred to be an only child because I don't know what it would have been like.

I was the youngest of 6. There were things about that I loved, things I hated. I was socially inept, lonely, had few friends, couldn't share, was greedy...in short I had many of the traits that are attributed to an only child. I loved having brothers and sisters, though, and love it in real life although I only get on with half of them (which sounds awful, but I have a couple of very toxic sisters).

As an adult, I've learned how to become socially gregarious, when necessary. I have lots of friends, am known as the joker of the pack. I have very little store in material things and am generous (I think). I lack a little confidence in some areas, but that's cos my mom hated children and I was bought up being very, very aware of my flaws!

I wanted lots of children, but it wasn't to be. I've had 6 pregnancies, one child. I love her beyond measure. She goes through stages of wanting siblings, but is currently off the idea. I've had teachers who've said, 'Huffyjunior isn't a typical only child, is she?' which is a bit insulting, but I know what she meant.

DD is loving, generous, socially confident, happy. She has lots of friends. She loves holidays, shares well, gets on with others. She struggles with adults, but she's only 10. She loves her life. I'm hoping by the time we're old, she's bogged off to Australia. I don't want her to be 'burdened' by us. But by the time that comes into being, hopefully she'll be married. And my DH was my support as my parents got old, got sick and died. Hopefully she'll find a partner to share life with and do likewise.

Being an only is different for each child, just like being in a large family is different for each child. You make the best choice you can (if you're lucky enough to have a choice) and you get on with it.