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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to ask if those of you without siblings would have preferred growing up with a brother or sister?

150 replies

MissMississippi · 01/09/2011 14:59

...and now as an adult, what are your views on 'an only child'?

DH and I have one DC. He was very much wanted. We always said we would have two kids. But I love him so much I don't know if I want to (a) change his life too much by giving him a sibling or (b) that I have enough love fir another child (maybe I am being silly!).

But on the other hand maybe he would love having a sibling to play with now, and as an adult someone else important in his life other than me and DH (as we have a small family).

So those MNers who didn't have siblings as a child - how did you feel?

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 01/09/2011 18:34

I am an only.

I hated it as a child, and I hate it now.

As a child, I spent alot of time round at friend's houses - I was desperate to feel part of a family Sad and now I am beginning to feel the burden of being the only child my mother has in her old age.
However, I don't think my experience is very representative as my father was an alcoholic and there wasn't much semblance of a normal family life at home although my mother kept things stable.

I had two close together and they are very close. I might have had more had I been a bit younger and DH more willing to have more!

RedHotPokers · 01/09/2011 18:40

My father, my MIL and my FIL are all OC. They all have said they would have preferred to have siblings. And each of them has spoken about the reponsibility of elderly relatives being all on them (all three had parents who were ill for some time). I have a sister who is 5y younger than me, and although we are not super close, it means a lot to have someone with so many shared experiences and someone you can moan about your parents to without feeling bad .

It does seem a bit smug and cheesy, but your love really does double when you have another DC. And there is NO better feeling on earth than seeing them cuddle when they're watching TV, or giving each other a little kiss good night when they are not hitting each other and squabbling .

IME, and nothing against OC, I think giving your DC a sibling really is the greatest gift.

hephaestus · 01/09/2011 18:40

I am an only (well, was until the age of 21 when a half-sibling came along) and, though I can't remember ever wishing for a sibling as a child, it is beginning to occur to me as an adult that it might be very difficult to care for aging parents on my own. Both of my parents were very young when they had me so I will be fairly old and creaky myself by that point!

I hugely resent new sibling. I'd moved away from home years before they arrived but the situation they have been born into is so completely different from mine, it's pure jealousy but I hate that they are going to have such a privileged upbringing in comparison to mine. Sibling was wanted and planned for, I was decidedly not, and was made aware of that the whole time.

BarbieLovesKen · 01/09/2011 18:54

I wish I wasn't any only child, I didn't mind it so much at the time as I didn't know any different but now, looking back it was very lonely. Now, as an adult, I wish I had siblings.

Loads of cousins and friends doesn't make any difference (I had plenty of both), Christmas morning, building sandcastles, playing in the garden aren't nice on your own (I see the difference now that I have more than one)

As an adult I envy the sibling relationships I could have, of nieces and nephews etc.

Also the responsibility of worrying about your parents on your own. I would have lived to have someone who understood when my dad died and now, although my mother is still young, I factor her in all my future plans (we wouldn't move abroad etc) for when she's elderly/ ever needs more care - it will solely be my responsibility.

These reasons and more surrounding being an "only" are the reasons why I didn't for one second consider just having dd. Despite hating and really struggling with pregnancy it simply wasn't an option. We have 3 at the minute.

vividgingerchilli · 01/09/2011 18:57

I hated being an only child, on dull rainy days I could not play out and my parents were busy working as they were self employed. I used to ask if I could call for the girl over the road but was told no because it was like inviting myself in to her house when it was raining so I'd ask to phone her and invite her to our house - only to be told no, it was only over the road and so too close to waste money on a phone call.

When my parents split up I was an adult and I had them both phoning me with their woes which was very hard.

Finally, when my two are squabbling I have got no experience of it - my mother, one of six, assures me it is normal but it drives me mad as I had rose tinted glasses about the sibling relationship.

WhiffOfBath · 01/09/2011 18:59

'(b) that I have enough love fir another child (maybe I am being silly!)'

I thought that too when I just had DS. I was convinced I could never love any child as much as I loved him; I thought he had completely occupied my supply of love. I even thought it while pg for the second time.

When DD came along 22 months later, I knew how very mistaken I had been. Smile Believe me, you would find 'enough love' for twenty children, never mind two.

I wouldn't have an only child myself. When I see my two bickering horrors, I still think they are better off than they would be on their own. I used to wish I were an only child myself (I have a younger sister), but I think I'd have been pretty miserable if I had had all that focus on me, and nobody to play with in the holidays.

DeWe · 01/09/2011 19:02

FIL said he loved being an only child, but it also made him sure he didn't want to have an only child. He was delighted to find some half-siblings (long story) in his adulthood.

ssd · 01/09/2011 19:05

i have older siblings but they left home when I was in primary school so I grew up like an only, lots of attention and money for clubs etc.

BUT now my mum is elderly all the care has fallen on me and it would be fantastic ti have siblings closer in age to share it with.

I have 2 dc's close in age. I'd love for them to get on but even if they don't they will hopefully go thru life at similiar stage instead of alone like I have done.

My worst scenario (sp?)
is of having an only late in life, eg nearly 40 and the child having to be the sole carer for me when I'm old, this is whats happened to me and for all your kids out there I'd avoid it if at all possible

vividgingerchilli · 01/09/2011 19:05

..and another thing....as an only child I made my own entertainment and got on with it without any involvement from my parents. As an adult I find it very hard to get down on the floor and play with my DCs as it is so far outside of my experience. I will read them a book or do a jigsaw, play board games etc but the imaginative play when they wanted me to play my little ponies with them play pirates, well it was so hard

bigTillyMint · 01/09/2011 19:09

Yes, yes vivid - I get much more upset about the bickering than DH does and I'm sure it's because I wasn't used to it as a child.

TeddyRuxpin · 01/09/2011 19:16

I was happy being an only child and as an adult I'm still happy not having siblings despite my gran being my only 'real' family I have left.
I planned on having 2 or 3 children but now my DD is here I've found I just don't want any more - for kind of the same reasons as you mentioned.
I don't think anyone should have a child they don't want just for the sake of giving the child they do have a sibling.

Choufleur · 01/09/2011 19:22

I don't know if I would have liked growing up with siblings - i have nothing to compare my childhood to. I had my parents attention and was lucky I guess that had a lot of friends from school lived very close by so there was usually someone to play with.

So long as your happy I don't really think it matters whether you have siblings or not - as some siblings really don't like each other/get on well anyway.

Your DC won't know any different if you don't have any more or will adapt if you do.

SirSugar · 01/09/2011 19:28

I was happy being only child except on Christmas Day. The other 364 days were just fine and I was never bored, always found stuff to amuse myself.

Bit more pressure these days as I'm the only one whos there for mum, Dad died years ago but we have a very good relationship.

Still like my own company and can be a bit selfish ( never had to share my toys/time and parents ) however I'm very sociable as long as people don't try to tell me what to do; fiercely independent streak then comes into force.

Having said all of the above, I wouldn't even know how it feels to have a sis or brother as I've never had one.

(P.S gave mum and dad the mumps when I was five, and mum says they did try for another baby which never happened Blush)

vividgingerchilli · 01/09/2011 19:45

bigTillyMint, glad it is not just me but sorry that it upsets you as well as me.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/09/2011 19:48

I'm another only who was desperate for a sibling. Sadly, I would have been one of 5, but my mum lost 4 babies after me Sad. The last 2 were stillborn, and by that time I was so excited about finally being a big sister it was crushing.

I spent a lot of time with cousins, but I would have loved real siblings. Even into adulthood have been jealous of friends with siblings. I now have 3, close in age, and I love watching the relationships between them, although like others here I get upset when they squabble, having an idealistic view of the whole sibling thing!

I love watching them support each other and help each other. I have a very close relationship with my dad (mum is sadly now dead), and it's great that we are so close, but I'm still jealous of my cousins who seem to be a lovely little team.

slipperandpjsmum · 01/09/2011 19:59

I hated it as a child and hate it as an adult. I think I resented my parents slightly as a child and always begged for a sibling. I agree with those who have posted about all the responsbility - as a child all attention was on me all of the time and as an adult having to do everything alone eg organising my Father's funeral and now providing alot of support for my Mum.

I was bullied at school as I was the only 'only' in the class and all the sterotypes were applied that I was a snob and spoilt.

I have gone through life feeling alone and even though I have a family now I still feel it even now.

I hear other people talking about their brothers and sisters and often they take them for granted and do not truly value the person I would have given anything to have had in my life.

stripeywoollenhat · 01/09/2011 20:18

well, i'm one of six and dp is an only: some of my siblings are an absolute nightmare a little difficult, but i'd rather have them than be an only. yes, there are practical things having siblings can help with as your parents age, but it's the shared history that really comes into its own at life's more awful moments. in addition, dp feels a level of responsibility for her mother, and consequent feelings of guilt that i can't even recognise: i think some of that is personality-based (dp's personality and her mother's) but still, i wouldn't wish that for dd. so dd2 is due to arrive in december...

also, childhood has fewer boring moments if there's always someone on hand to fight/play with....

mamalovesmojitos · 01/09/2011 20:19

Oh dear...dd is an only and as I'm single is likely to be forever. If I won millions I'd adopt a sibling for her. Reading this thread has made me a bit sad for her Sad. She'd be a cracking big sis.

HidingSlightly · 01/09/2011 20:27

The only bad thing about being an only child is that you have to bare all the responsibility for your aged parents. Though saying that, my Dad is doing that anyway despite having two siblings.... Hmm

Anyway... having a child purely as company for the one you've already got seems a bit odd to me. Not entirely sure why! I'm a happy only child - very tough and independent. I don't needed everybodies approval and choose my friends very carefully - however I keep them for decades when I do.

There are pros and cons to all family situations. Aslong as you don't spoil them and give them their own space, only children can grow up as happy and well-adjusted as anybody else.

libelulle · 01/09/2011 20:38

Another only here who hates it. Hated it as a child - latched on to my best friend's big noisy family of 6 as a substitute. At least I was/am lucky enough to have a lot of cousins which helped at Xmas and holidays. I hate it as an adult, too. I look at friends who have a close relationship with a sibling and feel desperately sad that I'll never know what that feels like.

I'm well aware it's not a given that you'll get on with a sibling - my mum didn't speak to her brother for the last decade of his life - but even so I feel I'm missing something, especially as my parents are getting more elderly. But then they didn't have an only child by choice, so it was never presented as something particularly positive. That I guess might have made a difference. All the same I'm mighty glad I've been lucky enough to have two children - certainly I'd never have actively chosen to have an only.

notcitrus · 01/09/2011 20:59

I loved being an only until I was 8 or so - my friends all had irritating little brothers/sisters. Then I got lonely as I lived an hour from school and almost never had friends over.
As a teenager I really wished I had siblings to help me fight against my parents - they outnumbered me!

Mayqueene · 01/09/2011 21:14

Another only here!
I always wanted siblings as a child and now I'm in my forties, I wish I had them even more.
I have 4 children myself Grin

DoMeDon · 01/09/2011 21:19

It had good and bad points. Some days were lonely, hols and xmas more than other times. When mum died it was a lot of pressure on me, organising and speaking at her funeral age 21 was very hard,

Good times were plentiful though and I had a lot of 'stuff' - I would have traded it for a sibling at the time though.

DD has half sisters so she will be my only but hopefully not lonely.

RoundOrangeHead · 01/09/2011 21:39

these threads always depress me, we have an only and never managed to conceive another

saxony · 01/09/2011 21:45

I agree RoundOrangeHead. I have one DS but whereas I am desperate for another, my husband doesn't agree. DS is 6 soon and I just can't see it happening for me. Before long I think the gap will be too much.

I just hope my DS will be happy and won't look back on his childhood as many of you guys do :(
That would crush me