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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask if those of you without siblings would have preferred growing up with a brother or sister?

150 replies

MissMississippi · 01/09/2011 14:59

...and now as an adult, what are your views on 'an only child'?

DH and I have one DC. He was very much wanted. We always said we would have two kids. But I love him so much I don't know if I want to (a) change his life too much by giving him a sibling or (b) that I have enough love fir another child (maybe I am being silly!).

But on the other hand maybe he would love having a sibling to play with now, and as an adult someone else important in his life other than me and DH (as we have a small family).

So those MNers who didn't have siblings as a child - how did you feel?

OP posts:
AnotherJaffaCake · 01/09/2011 15:23

Sometimes I liked being an only child - there was always peace and quiet to go and read a book whenever I wanted to without being interrupted. Sometimes it just felt a bit lonely. Fortunately I grew up on a street where there were loads of children around, all about my age, so there was always someone to play with. One of my friends at school had three older siblings and I couldn't decide whether I would have wanted to be part of a big family or not. I've got 2 children, and the house is full of noise, and loud games and on balance I think I like that better.

Halbanoo · 01/09/2011 15:23

Mixed feelings about it, to be honest. I did enjoy my childhood, no doubt about it. But I can also remember feeling absolutely bored, especially when it was school holidays, trips away from home, etc. Nobody to play with---and my parents were more of the "occupy yourself, please" type parents. Not neglectful, but never big on playing with me.

Now I swore up and down that I would never have an only child based on that experience. Lo and behold, my son is an only and it doesn't look like a sibling is happening. So off I go to eat my words...

...and I'll admit that I now understand why my parents encouraged me so often to play on my own. My son is only 3, but he's very needy. I am spent by the end of the day trying to keep him entertained.

Insomnia11 · 01/09/2011 15:23

Biggest annoyance though is the assumption from everyone at primary school that I must be spoilt.

Yes same here. And snobby. And swotty. I think that says more about the PARENTS of the other children in the class though. They clearly weren't coming up with that by themselves at a young age.

Original poster
MissMississippi · 01/09/2011 15:25

Thanks KingHellfire - I didn't know there was also a name for it!!!

It makes me feel better. I think we will TTC. I just love DS so much, that I want this decision to be best for him.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 01/09/2011 15:26

I was an only child and while it fostered a spirit of independence and an ability to be content in my own company, it occurs to me that I have a solitary streak which isn't always helpful.

I always wanted a sibling and think it would have been good for me to have had one. Admittedly, I came from a fairly prosperous background which meant I was lucky enough to have a reasonably privileged upbringing but I've have exchanged all that for the company of a brother and sister.

Also, I was completely unaware of the normal behaviour between siblings and initially couldn't understand why ds1 and 2 would want to squabble and fight. Surely they should be treating each other like precious companions? Ex-h (one of three) thought my ignorance was hilarious and regaled me with various stories from his own childhood which disproved my theory.

Insomnia11 · 01/09/2011 15:29

My son is only 3, but he's very needy. I am spent by the end of the day trying to keep him entertained.

Though of course 3 year olds aren't meant to be fully independent (!), I can see what you mean. DD1 at that age was always wanting to play Cinderella, and I had to be one of the ugly sisters, things like that. Or she would be Lola and I had to be Lotta.

DD2 always plays these type of games with her older sister, they entertain one another pretty much.

AngryFeet · 01/09/2011 15:29

I would have hated being an only child. I had two brothers and we got on great. I have fallen out with one since but he has mental health issues. I still think the greatest gift I have ever given my DD was a sibling. They love each other so much and spend all their time together. Admittedly I am lucky that they get on! I also think it makes your own life so much easier - they entertain each other, I am rubbish at 'playing' so the heat is off me Grin

Bluebell99 · 01/09/2011 15:31

I have two children with a gap of 2yrs 8 mths. Boy and girl. They are now 12 and 9 and still play together constantly, and they have always been close. Loads of photos of them having fun together.
I have a couple of friends who have onlies, and who haven't been able to have any more children despite trying, so it may not happen.
We have recently been on holiday and I think the kids enjoyed playing together and would have been bored without each other. My dd was away at camp last weekend and my ds really missed her.
My friend with an only girl who is 11 seems to spend alot of time entertaining her, for example going shopping after school, or to a tea shop or bowling, whereas my two entertain themselves on the trampoline, or lego or computer games. I do do things with them, but they don't complain of being bored.

Original poster
MissMississippi · 01/09/2011 15:32

AgentZ! My bro is a twat too haha! So i totally understand.

Thanks for saying you loved your DD2 just as much and she took nothing away from your DD1. It makes me feel better!!

Guilt and worrying are two of my strongest characteristics. And these have become worse since DS arrived!!!

OP posts:
Insomnia11 · 01/09/2011 15:32

Also, I was completely unaware of the normal behaviour between siblings and initially couldn't understand why ds1 and 2 would want to squabble and fight.

Ha, totally. Also couldn't understand the name-calling at school. Why were other kids so...childish? :) In fact I didn't have much time for other children until I was well into the juniors. Preferred adults.

saintlyjimjams · 01/09/2011 15:34

I liked being an only. But have a large family of cousins and sane parents who weren't controlling (they wanted more, but were stuck with just me).

I have three now. I often see the advantages of being an only!

saintlyjimjams · 01/09/2011 15:35

I do have a solitary streak as well, but I know others who had siblings who like some time alone as well - so it may be personality rather than environment

going · 01/09/2011 15:37

I'm an only.

Didin't bother me too much growing up as I had friends around me. As an adult would love to have a sibling around, even if we weren't close.

I have three children and would have more if we had a bigger house.....

mosschops30 · 01/09/2011 15:37

Absolutely yes.
I hated being called spolied in school.
Hated being on my own on holidays.
im very demanding and high maintenance and i dont mix that well with others (it takes me time)

Its worse as an adult, all the responsibility falls to me, if theyre ill, christmas, need advice etc etc. I feel very burdoned by it most of the time.

Ive had 3dcs so that they dont have to put up with the shit i do.

I know what you meanabout 'can i love another child as much as this one, but the answer is yes Smile

misty0 · 01/09/2011 15:38

I am an only child and have to ageee with the posters who have said they didnt enjoy being the sole focus of attention as a child. My parents were lovely, kind people but very 'conservative' in their views and I was treated very much as an adult from an early age and feel that i missed out on a certain amount of just being a kid like my mates with bros and sisters. I couldnt get away with anything naughty as there was no one else to blame in the house! I certainly wasnt spoiled, as many people think only children are. I went a bit off the rails once i had left home and was away from that strict environment. Being soley responsible for realising my parents hopes and dreams was a preassure too. Also the remark about not having the 'edges knocked off' being the only child in the house rings true too. I entered my teens and adulthood totally afraid of confrontation as i had had no siblings to learn to bicker with.

My parents allowed me to have lots of friends round and i often played at my friends houses. I did enjoy having my stuff to myself at the end of the day - as i kept my toys nicely and noticed that friends with siblings toy's were usually broken or half missing!

Now as an adult i wish i had siblings to share the care of my mother. My parents were both only children too, and so since my father passed away 4 years ago my mum has depended on me alot. Even if i had siblings who lived along way away or abroad even, at least it would be someone else for her to phone and chat to.

I feel like the old pressure of 'being the only one' for everything has come back to haunt me again in these last few years.

Btw - i went on to have 3 daughters (i did not want an only child) and will encourage them to have more than one child if/when they decide to have families of their own Smile

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2011 15:38

Another child doesn't halve the love, they double it.

I couldn't believe it to be true, but it is.

ViviPru · 01/09/2011 15:38

I was a bit of both being the youngest of 3, the next older sibling was 8.5 yrs older. When I was 10, both my siblings had moved out of the the family home and prior to that, being teenagers they'd had quite separate lives, so I was on my own a lot. I did have a good relationship with my siblings although we might not have spent a great deal of time together. That said, I certainly felt quite lonely at times.

I was lucky in that I lived in a safe area and spent most of my childhood playing out with friends, but my only-child niece doesn't get to do that and I think her being an only child could be detrimental, she thinks she's an equal to my sister & BiL and has had too much focus on her (among many other things)

As an adult have been thankful over and over again to have my sister as a support in dealing with family things that others couldn't quite understand. There have been several trying times that I would have felt extremely at sea had I been a true only child. Although paradoxically, had I not a brother, half of those trying times wouldn't have happened!

These experiences (obviously, VERY abridged) have led me to feel that were I lucky enough to have a choice, I'd prefer not to have an only child.

LetThereBeRock · 01/09/2011 15:39

I loved being an only child. I always have,and I'm still very content with my status as an only child.
If I wished for a sibling it was on a handful of occasions for quite literally two minutes at a time.

I have a cousin who is also an only,two years younger,and she's of the same opinion.

You can't guarantee happiness either way. I know people who loathe their siblings and who never see each other, and others who love them.

AngryFeet · 01/09/2011 15:40

Oh honestly don't worry about loving a new baby or taking something away from your first child. You just find more love for another baby :) And if you involve your DS from the start talking about what is happening he will be fine (maybe a brief jealous time depending on his age but that will be more than made up for by the relationship he will have with his sibling). The first time you see your children laughing and playing together will melt your heart :)

But if you decide not too or are unable to your DS will still have a wonderful life with two such clearly loving parents. Good luck :)

OhdearNigel · 01/09/2011 15:42

No chance ! I would have HATED to have had to share my mother with anyone, it was bad enough having to share her with my Dad.
I am a very happy only child

LetThereBeRock · 01/09/2011 15:43

As for being solely responsible for an elderly and infirm parent it happened to my mother and she's one of 5,well was, two are deceased,but of the remaining three only she cared for my late grandmother.

DorothyGherkins · 01/09/2011 15:44

Had my kids five years apart. So the first five years, DD1 was like an only child, getting all the attention, and was also the only grandchild. When DD2 came along, we all loved her instantly, the age gap meant there wasnt a lot of direct competition, and while DD1 was at school, DD2 got my whole attention when we were at home in the day time. As they grew up, they got on well together, are now best buddies, never rivals, so I always thought having a second child was the best thing I ever did. I was always the youngest child of three, I had very little to do with my older brothers growing up, and still feel very little connection to them, and would have always loved a close sibling to feel like part of a family with. Never end a sentence with with.

OhdearNigel · 01/09/2011 15:46

"Its worse as an adult, all the responsibility falls to me, if theyre ill, christmas, need advice etc etc. I feel very burdoned by it most of the time."

My DF has a brother but all the care of my grandmother still fell to him. He might as well have been an only child; my uncle just left him to it and collected his share of the will. At least as an only child you aren't expecting anyone else to pull their weight

mosschops30 · 01/09/2011 15:49

Yes i understand that can happen with siblings, but i think the majority of cases it doesnt happen

nethunsreject · 01/09/2011 16:00

I am an only.

I always wanted to have more than one child. I have 2.

It has good points, but for me the hardest thing is carrying all your parents' expectations. Also, when we lost my Dad, it was me who stayed with Mum, etc, etc.

However, there is no guarentee of help or a sharing of burden of expectation with siblings around either.

I guess either way is fine really!

HOWEVER in answer to your questions, op:

a) you would change his life, but a sibling can be a fantastic gift. Watching my 2 interact is wonderful.

b) you have plenty love! Love multiplies, not divides. However, you would have a bit less time, but that isn't always a b ad thing. Learnig that other's needs may come before yourss is a valuable one.