...to ask if those of you without siblings would have preferred growing up with a brother or sister?

[MissMississippi]

...and now as an adult, what are your views on 'an only child'?

DH and I have one DC. He was very much wanted. We always said we would have two kids. But I love him so much I don't know if I want to (a) change his life too much by giving him a sibling or (b) that I have enough love fir another child (maybe I am being silly!).

But on the other hand maybe he would love having a sibling to play with now, and as an adult someone else important in his life other than me and DH (as we have a small family).

So those MNers who didn't have siblings as a child - how did you feel?

I'm an only.

Good points were that my best freind was also an only, so we did a lot of things together and our Mum's very often had both of us together. I had a lot of cousins that I spent holidays, but they all had their own siblings so I felt left out of that sometimes. They called me spoilt which wasn't nice, but to be fair, I was spoilt!

I always wanted a sibling when I was a child, and now I'm an adult, I wish I had a sibling even more. I know not all adult siblings get on, but it would have been nice to have had the chance to get on, or to share things as parents get older.

I felt how you did about having number two, who was unplanned. I didn't think I'd have enough love for two, I worried about how I would juggle both their needs and give each enough attention, and probably abot all the other things you have thought of too.

But in reality, I was never going to be everything to ds1, nor should I want or try to be. His little brother has given him so much, and I couldn't be more grateful that they have eachother.

Forgive me if this has already been said as I've read most but not all responses thoroughly. My Mother was an only child and I watched her care solely for my Grandmother for several years, as she had no one to share that burden with. This is something not everyone thinks of.

And on a similar note, if you have more than one child there's a higher chance one might stick around and help you out in old age and not be too resent doing so!

My brother and I were both only children there is a generation gap between us! Best of both worlds, sole parental attention and the bonus ofknowng there was someon else vaguely in the picture.

However if i knew what I knew now, I would only have had one child not three.

There are nearly 9 years between me and my brother and we are closer than a lot of other siblings I know who have only 1 or 2 years difference.
That said, I have only 1 DS and that's how it's staying. I love our little family unit: I wouldn't risk having another to upset the balance and take any of our resources away from DS.
Love might grow, but time, energy and money doesn't (I wish!).

I am an only child - I did want a sibling as a child. It peaked around the age of 10 and then I kind of resigned myself to the fact it wasn't going to happen.

I wasn't that often bored as a child though and I enjoy being alone and reading. I used to read all the time as a kid - I think I'd have spent more time playing and less time reading if I'd had brothers and sisters.

Now that I'm older and I have a DS of my own the feeling that I'd like to have siblings has come back a bit as I'd like him to have cousins. I'd really like him to have a brother or sister too and am in the early stages of pregnancy so hopefully that will happen next year. I wouldn't want more than two children.

One good thing is (sorry this is rather mercenary) that I've done quite well from inheritances and will again when my mum dies. Not that I'm wishing her dead!

I am an only and hated it! Now mind you...my parents divorced early on and that complicated things later on...so a little twist to the situation that you will not. I can say that all the extra presents were great but what child wouldn't? I realize that I really missed out on many things now watching my 5yr and 2 yr play, fight, bicker, hug, and snuggle. I tease my oldest that we had 2 children so i could ensure at least one of them would come visit me in the old folks home! hahaha. I think getting your 1st to transition to being a sibling takes time and envolvement throughout the pregnancy and all the big kid things they will be able to show their bro/sis. The 2nd pregnancy is easier because you have let go of a lot of first time jitters and such. It isn't for everyone but for me...it was amazing how our family dynamic changed for the good with another. Good luck-sorry for the long-windedness.

I am a kind of only - my DSB was born when I was 13 so I have experienced both side of the coin. I think it's hard to separate out what parts of my personality are because I'm an only and what parts would have been there anyway.

I loved to read and preferred adult company but I am now incredibly sociable. I am ridiculously independent and can be quite material, to the point that it is a fault, but I put that down to not having money when I was little rather than being an only - but then maybe because I was a solitary, grown-up child I saw more of the problems it caused than I should have?

I do remember being endlessly fascinated by schoolfriends with big families - I was very pally to a girl who had SIX sibs and I just used to sit like this at their mealtimes.

My DS will be an only through choice. My DH had/has a terrible family dynamic and a toxic relationship with his brother, but I put that down to my evil witch MIL rather than them.

I do get what people say about parents then being a burden on the only one, but I think that's a pretty cold blooded reason to have more DCs. The only time I have ever regretted my DS being an only was at my beloved Uncle's funeral when I saw how supportive my five cousins were of each other. I hate the fact of him being alone.

Interesting (just as I type this) that even when we found DS had SN we didn't even think about reconsidering our singleton policy...

I have mixed feelings. I certainly had a lot of affection lavished upon me as a child, but sometimes I was lonely.

As an adult I do sometimes wish I had siblings to share the responsibilities of my Mother .

I always knew I wanted more than one.

I'm not an only child, I have 1 younger sibling.

If I'm completely honest, I would have been just as happy, possibly happier, as an only child.

Sibling and I did not and do not get on especially well - we don't hate each other, we are just very different and find each other very annoying.

I would say, have a second child if you want a second child. Don't if you don't. Don't do it because of any assumptions about the effect on your DS. You can't tell what the relationship will be between them.

Well said peanut gallery.

my big sister didnt live with us till i was 8. before then i lived with my mum and step dad as an only child and whilst i loved the attention and being spoilt when my mum could be arsed i hated having no-one to play games or cards or anything with, no-one to share secrets with and make dens etc. when my my sister moved back home, i hated her for yrs for taking the attention and focus away from me and she hated that i had had it to begin with.

dd is 6 and i am pg with ds and feel guilty they arent close in age - well close enough to share common interests - i feel awful for her but it took us forever and a day to concieve ds.

in short.. onlys get lots of attention and spoilt but i personally feel that it isnt fair on them. only because i was raised as an only and know how lonely i was so that is just my personal experience.

I wanted a sibling for ooh about two days, but only if it was a girl and called Felicity... I thought it would be fun to have someone to play with, as there weren't many young children locally. What happened was that I ended up making friends instead with older boys with whom I would ride my bike and little old ladies who would give me tea and cakes. I think this made me able to relate more to adults than to other children and a bit square!

On balance I am glad I didn't have a brother or sister. It would have been even more of a financial struggle for my parents.

Perhaps if my parents become very infirm I might curse their decision, but purely for practical reasons.

My DH says that I missed out and he has a very strong bond with his sis. That's something I'll never truly understand.

I think you will have enough love, you just might not have enough money or time!

yes.

also agree with peanut in the respect that my sister and i are completely different personality wise every which way you could imagine we are different and are not close at all.

even tho we were raised seperate even as teens/adults we just dont gel well at all.

Another happy only child here.
Wouldn't change it, never yearned for siblings as a child or an adult.

My daughter is an only and may remain so (she is 10)
She doesn't want siblings either.
I do worry that will change when she is an adult.

IMO you have a child because you and your husband/partner want one. Not to please/occupy/entertain a child you already have.

I wasn't lonely as a child but I have lots of cousins who were surrogate siblings to me plus lots of my classmates were also neighbours so I always had children to play with.

As an adult, however, it's different. I can see the bonds between my cousins and their siblings are much stronger than their bonds with me and it makes me quite sad.

Plus I find that my relationship with my parents has got worse as I get older, they find it very difficult to accept that I'm an adult and let me live my own life. Obviously I don't know if I'd have the same problem if I was the eldest rather than an only but I really wish I had someone to share the burden!

I'm an only child and I've never had a problem with it, the way I look at it I wouldn't know what it's like too have a brother/sister so I don't miss it.

I was an only child. Dad was in the Army so we moved around every two years from when I was born. I quite liked it. I make friends really easily though, and that has never changed.

As a grown-up I find it harder. Their expectations of me are great and I feel enormous pressure sometime to do what they want me to rather than what I want to do. Although this is more my Mother than my Dad. I am married with two children, 9 years apart. I would say for me that life was definately easier with just one child, but I love both if them equally.

*if should be of

We almost only had one and then number 2 arrived...I didnt want one but DH did....I was worried that DD1 would be left without immediate family once me and DH are dead.

I had this image of her arranging our funeral alone. I know she may marry and have DC of her own one day but siblings are important when you get older too.....they support and help you in life.

Bettyswallocks - We have ten years between our two DS's and yes it is like have an only and then another only or at least it is alot of the time but they get on really well and I wouldn't change a thing. Although you get asked all the time why you left ten years betwween them.

Well said snoozin. Having supported my father through the diagnosis of terminal illness and his death and a mother with advanced dementia the saving grace was the tight relationship I have with my siblings. I am now at the stage where many of my friends are dealing with these very difficult situations and as an only child it is a very heavy burden to bear.

I'm an only, but I've got older step-siblings, so it's kind of the best of both worlds. I had Mum's undivided attention when I was with her and Dad's when I was with him.

Mum was a single parent from when I was 4 until I was 12, so I'm pretty independent and self-sufficient because there was stuff she had to get done, so I played by myself when there were no convenient friends about. I wanted a sibling, but accepted that it wasn't going to happen.

I've never been exactly close to my step-siblings, not in the same way they are to each other, and in a way I wish I'd had that. We're all good friends, but there's an indefinable closeness between them that I'm not part of, and I feel a bit sad about it.

When my Dad was ill, it was down to me, and that was hard because I was 100 miles away and self-employed, but I did as much as I could (nearly wearing out my car in the process!) and just got on with it. There was no room for any arguing about what to do for the best as there was no-one to argue with. Equally, there was no-one to argue with about who was or wasn't pulling their weight. The one thing I might have liked in a sibling is someone to share memories of him with.

DP's got a brother, who he's close to. He wouldn't want it any other way, although they fought like cats in a sack as teenagers. Our "plan" is to have two, subject to what the fates decide. As yet we don't have any, so it's not a done deal.

I fear I've gone on a bit, but the point is that I'm happy with my lot, with a touch of grass-is-greener wistfulness rather than any real dissatisfaction with it.

hi mismissisipi,

i am an only child and hated it.

begged my mum so many tiimes for siblings but she (unbeknown to little kid me) couldn't have any more despite 10 yrs of trying.

there were pros (got 'stuff' i wouldn't have got otherwise but most importantly i have a very close r'ship with both parents - would this have happened anyway?) but i do feel i missed out and i still do.

i don't think there is anything wrong with wanting one child though - my folks were great in that they always let me have friends over and we lived in socialble streets - you know the sort where the kids all play out and call for one another, so i had a lovely childhood... BUT i would have LOVED a sibling.

I have one now and started trying for number 2.

I think you should do what you feel is right for your whole family. You sound thoughtful and kind so i am sure if you choose to keep it at one you will handle it very sensitively. good luck with your choice

H is only child
hated it, sees what his sons have and envies what he never had iyswim.

i think also the only bears all the hassle with ageing/old /ill parents