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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it unsettling that mum's still threaten to smack childrens bums in public?

358 replies

kitya · 31/08/2011 19:24

Ive just been to the nail parlour and this perfectly nice mum in her early twenties told her daughter that if she didnt sit still she would pull her knickers down and smack her bum. I thought that went out with the 70's? I didnt know where to look. She was telling me about starting uni and everything but, I couldnt concentrate and what she was saying after that.

OP posts:
tryingtoleave · 02/09/2011 04:21

A seven year old could be given a deferred punishment for that. I agree with herebebollox and think it is not fair to put children in situations where it is so hard for them to behave that they have to be punished. I would never expect my dcs to sit still while I was having nails or hair done, so I wouldn't take them. As they get older and their self control improves I will be able to take them to a wider range of places.

I have only ever seen one person smack their child, and that was my cousin because her dd was being fussy and whiny. Trust me, it didn't stop her whining. My dcs would be devastated if I smacked them.

CheerfulYank · 02/09/2011 04:30

I wasn't saying that the seven year old in question should (or shouldn't) be smacked, tryingtoleave . I was responding to HereBeBollox 's statement: If your kid brings down a display of beans in Tesco's, then s/he is obviously not old enough to be let out of the buggy/ off the reins and it's your fault for not supervising them properly, not their's for not understanding that running against a supermarket display might cause an accident.

I just wanted to point out that it isn't always the case.

activate · 02/09/2011 06:02

LOL at parenting has moved on

please explain to me the difference between a quick slap on the bum (a physical reinforcement that leaves no lasting physical damage) and ignoring a child for bad behaviour (a psychological reinforcement that leaves no lasting damage)

Animation · 02/09/2011 06:53

"please explain to me the difference between a quick slap on the bum (a physical reinforcement that leaves no lasting physical damage)"

Well I'd be surprised if any book on developmental psychology will back you up there!

ConstanceNoring · 02/09/2011 07:16

There's a big difference though between the mother who yells 'behave or else I'll belt yer' and the one who quietly explains to her child that any more bad behaviour will result in punishment. I find the threat of a public reprimand very effective.

My mum very rarely smacked us (in fact I can only remember one occasion ) but still we had a very healthy 'fear' of upsetting her, we would stop and think 'what if mum knew' - we didn't want to let her down, it's called respect.

All that aside, there's no way I'd want or expect my DCs to sig with me in a nail parlour. My hands are built for sand pits and junk modelling and that's how I like them for now.

Goldenbear · 02/09/2011 07:40

This thread is very depressing....it is all clear now, to not smack is to breed a rioter- what BS. What has happened to Mumsnet lately it used to be full of contributions that were informed, intelligent and worth reading!

YANBU but an explanation seems it would be lost on most!

redheadbedhead · 02/09/2011 07:46

Well my mum smacked us as kids, as well as other frightening and aggressive behaviour, and I grew up to be very afraid of her and we've never got on. I think it's totally uncalled for. There are much better ways of disciplining. YANBU.

mymummyisasquarehead · 02/09/2011 07:47

I find the 1,2,3 technique usually works effectively, but have physically disciplined my child in the past and would not rule out doing it again.

I am not talking about a heavy physicaly blow, moreso a light tap or a firm grab of the hand.

I will discipline my child how I see fit; if people see fit to disagree with that, then that is their prerogative. It will not change the way I am with my child.

hotandsticky · 02/09/2011 08:00

I was walloped as a child, as were my brothers. Usually with the wooden spoon. Sometimes with the back of hand, once my mothers ring caught on me and broke the skin.
I still remember the pain and the fear on hearing "put out your hand".
I do not remember ever doing anything that warranted that level of abuse.
To me smacking is abuse, and to my brothers too. But we base that on our own experiences. None of my brothers smack their kids, but the kids are diciplined, and very well behaved (mostly- they are kids after all!)
My mother has no memory of the various incidences. If we bring it up, she says "it didn't do you any harm". I disagree...

Mitmoo · 02/09/2011 08:09

Actuvate "LOL at parenting had moved on"????? Clearly not aware that there is a plethora of advice, programmes and support available at our fingertips that most of our parents simply didn't have access too. All my parents knew was a smack. They were still terrific parents but didn't know of any other ultimate sanction to use or how to parent differently.

"LOL" at thinking you have to smack for bad behaviour or "ignore" bad behaviour that's not the choice. Ignoring bad behaviour is not discipline we are discussing disciplining without needing to smack.

Goldenbear · 02/09/2011 08:09

Well why not mymummy, why will you not change the way you're discipling your child if what you're doing is damaging that child, how very arrogant of you. Personally, i hate this idea that you can choose to do what you like with your child - i think you'll find you can't in the eyes of the law and why would you want to, you are not teaching a child to think for themselves about why they should and shouldn't do something. You must have a lovely Happy home, one where the children know where they stand i suspect you would say!

Al0uiseG · 02/09/2011 08:10

Smacking a child should carry the same penalties as smacking an adult. It is vile, lazy parenting carried out by moronic half wits without the brain capacity to think through the consequences of actions.

Goldenbear · 02/09/2011 08:13

Mitmoo, my parents didn't have any 'last resort' parenting technique to hand but they didn't smack us once!

toptramp · 02/09/2011 08:22

I never thought that I would agree with smacking until I had a child. I don't smack often; but when I do it's not because I am a lazy mum; it's because I am pushed to my limits - and that's what kids do sometimes. I don't smack hard just a tap. I can see why people say we wouldn't put up with smacking adults but how often do adults throw tantrums in the supermarket, draw on the walls, answer back etc? I think when you do smack it shows that youv'e ''lost it'' which happens to me sometimes I admit.

Mitmoo · 02/09/2011 08:25

Goldenbear I'm sure not ALL parents smacked even back in the day, but they did have an excuse as other methods weren't readily available, and it was the done thing, as was smoking in the home, stuffing kids up chimneys and getting them to work fixing moving factory machinery. It didn't do them any harm. Grin

toptramp · 02/09/2011 08:27

I am also a teacher and I do think that the nicey nicey approach we have in schools is breeding a bunch of highly entitled individuals. I don't mean we should bring back the birch but when we live in fear of kids reporting us for no good reason something has gone wrong. I do agree with occasional smacking; that is to say a tap on the bum but I also agree with hugs, kisses and tough love parenting. I won't be out partying with my teenage dd or buying her alchohol or drugs as some parents I know do.

Mitmoo · 02/09/2011 08:29

Toptramp that's honest, I don't agree with smacking because you've "lost it", or for any other reason but it's an honest post. It illustrates one of the reasons I think smacking is wrong, because it can be done not to discipline the child but to vent frustration. Not many would admit to that but claim it was best for the child or they'll end up rioting.

BertieBotts · 02/09/2011 08:29

Don't know why I'm bothering to say this, but discipline isn't just limited to the three options of smacking, some alternative supernanny-esque punishment, or explaining ineffectually in a pleading voice. I don't particularly think that smacking is that much worse than the supernanny option, but I don't think either are that great. Better than being massively inconsistent or confusing, but still far too simplistic and focused on the now rather than the future - you can't put a teenager over your knee or on the naughty step, and if you haven't managed to build a respectful relationship without using threats by the time they are a teenager, it's too late to start then. (And I know some teens go off the rails anyway, but it's got to give you a fighting chance)

quirrelquarrel · 02/09/2011 08:30

You should never ever smack when you're angry. You should never be out of control when disciplining a child, you can't trust yourself. If you get so angry at a kid that everyone would agree that you'd gone too far (i.e. even the people who are fine with smacking children), then it's yourself you need to examine.

But otherwise it's fine and YABU. Kids don't always need to be nicely explained to and reasoned with, sometimes they don't deserve that, and that kind of thing is age-old and effective.

BertieBotts · 02/09/2011 08:31

Haha toptramp - I always thought I'd be fine with smacking my kids, then I had DS and I couldn't imagine it Grin

Mitmoo · 02/09/2011 08:32

Toptramp I am no longer as sympathetic to you. As a teacher you have to control 30 kids in a classroom without laying a finger on them but you'd smack your own kids because you can't control them.

If I saw a teacher smacking her own in a supermarket that would worry me greatly, as it would if a childminder smacked their own etc. If you have to control other people's children without smacking them then you should have the skillset to use those techniques (adapted obviously) on your own children.

What if you felt like "losing it" with a child in the classroom would you be tempted to smack them too?

BunnyWunny · 02/09/2011 08:38

"my dc's would be devastated if I smacked them"

...and isn't that the whole point?

melika · 02/09/2011 08:45

I think when they are younger it is a short, sharp shock to them to get a tap on the hand etc especially if what they are doing is dangerous. As they get older you can withhold things eg xbox etc. They have got to learn somewhere.

My mom had a cane which came out, but I honestly don't remember being hit with it. There were 5 of us and I think the more kids you have it must be more difficult to control them.

HairyGrotter · 02/09/2011 08:51

Can't say it bothers me tbh. Rather see some form of discipline than these parent's who 'reason' with a 2/3 year old...Jesus wept.

I'm usually too busy with my own life to take much notice of others

Besom · 02/09/2011 09:02

Not smacking your child and using other methods (as a deliberate choice) must have been around in the seventies because I was not smacked and my mum had very definite ideas about it, which were much the same as ideas about parenting today.

Granted, it was very rare back then, and I've no idea where she got it from.

It hasn't done me any harm, though.