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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you should NEVER trust a woman who doesnt have female friends?

191 replies

HallnotOates · 30/08/2011 11:12

and wonder how they have not accrued any in their life - or what they have done to them to piss them off - or why they can ONLY relate to men?

OP posts:
GothAnneGeddes · 30/08/2011 13:51

People have the friends they have for various reasons. Fine.

But for a women to come out with self hating crap, like "Women are bitches and mean", or worse in the case of Sarah Stratton lovely words, is something deserving of more then not being trusted.

If all the women you've met have been unpleasant, does it not occur to you that the common factor here is you?

Valetude · 30/08/2011 13:55

God I know so many lovely women (not all are my close friends) this is all a bit sad.
Sure some people do turn a bit nasty after a while, it is partly because they don't want you as a friend and they don't know how to be nice about that so they go overboard. I see it as social handicap really, not that 'women are bitches'.

motherinferior · 30/08/2011 13:56

I was just about to say the same as Valetude. I can't move without tripping over delightful women. And I work from home.

MadamDeathstare · 30/08/2011 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretNutellaFix · 30/08/2011 14:16

I have no particularly close friends of either sex. However the majority of my friends are male, due to my main area of interest in my teens being one that used to be heavily male dominated.
That plus being ostracised by the majority of girls my own age growing up did make me retreat into my shell and it's only now, in my thirties, that I am gaining the confidence I should have had when a teenager.

adamschic · 30/08/2011 14:24

YANBU, I would also be wary of a man who doesn't have any male friends. I have mainly female friends and I don't bitch about them behind their backs much! I like most of them.

I don't have any male friends, apart from acquaintances that I might sit with at a party, chat to in the pub. I find that men who want to be friends with me also want to sleep with me and it's true for most of my female friends too. I don't get this male/female friendship thing.

Giddly · 30/08/2011 14:25

I find this "I don't get on with women as they're bitchy and cliquey" stuff completely bewildering. I've spent most of my adult life in female-dominated work environments, and of course have met a few people like this (both men and women) but the majority are open, funny and honest - attributes which bizarrely some of you are saying are "male". I wonder who you're mixing with? I find it all vaguely smug and insulting - "I'm so much better than the rest of my sex I can't even mix with you..."

prettyfly1 · 30/08/2011 14:29

I must admit for a while I only really mixed with men - I was a bit socially inept and found the company of blokes just a bit easier at the time. As I got older though and had kids I find women much more relaxing company and feel a bit sad for people who judge either sex as an entire group. You get bitchy mean people both male and female so whilst I wouldnt distrust a woman who only had male friends I would feel a bit sorry for her. The bond between really close females is lovely and I wouldnt give it up now for all the world.

adamschic · 30/08/2011 14:32

I also find that if people (men and women) are on the receiving end of alot of bitching it's probably because they deserve it.

MillyR · 30/08/2011 14:39

I will keep pointing this out.

To various posters, but now 2Rebecca, the OP was not talking about popularity. It isn't about whether somebody has lots of female friends or only a few; it isn't about whether somebody has very close friendships or not. It is about women who have no female friends. The reasons people have given for not having female friends is that think women are bitchy/manipulative mean even thought they themselves are a woman.

That does suggest they have an issue, and as a woman, if they told you they had an issue with women, that is likely to make you wary of their prejudices against a group you belong to.

JodieHarsh · 30/08/2011 14:52

YABU.

Women are ghastly. I'd far rather hang out with my boyfriends and not be made to feel shite about my tiny kitchen/huge arse/cheap make-up/fading highlights/lack of foreign holidays/inefficient womb lining.

Grin

I am, of course, mostly joking. There are as many ghastly men as ghastly women, and as many loving, kind, funny women has good, kind funny men. Stands to reason if someone only has friends of one gender they've either been sensationally unlucky with the women they know, or are a bit odd...

Bearskinwoolies · 30/08/2011 14:52

I used to work in an all female environment - with one exception, the other women were very two-faced. The exception became my one female friend. I now work in an almost all male environment - over 50 men & 3 women, and I have 6 close male friends, some married, others not. There is no difference in my relationship with them as with my female friend.

OP YABU - sweeping generalisation, and a failure to understand that your experience is NOT others experiences.

Gonzo33 · 30/08/2011 14:56

YABU I have friends of both sexes, but mainly male tbh. I have always been a tomboy at heart though! (Am into bikes and such like). I am married with 2 kids, still most of my friends are male. My husband doesn't give a fig who I am friends with because he know I love him and he trusts me.

Works the other way round though because he has lots of women friends.

amigababy · 30/08/2011 15:07

I am with Gloria and Spuddy, as I have few female friends and no close ones. Years of primary school bullying left me unable to follow the rules of groups of girls, and how to join in. I am better in one-to-one stiuations and formal ones where it is clear what is needed. Also I don't drink and that seems to make bonding harder eg I've never been to a club.
I get on ok with dh's friends and rely on him for socialising as he's a natural people-person.
However I'm an accountant and think I am 100% trustworthy, I would hate to think that someone considers me not to be, based on whether i have close friends or not. I find that lots of outgoing "friendly" people can exhibit great deceit and cruelty in the name of banter/gossip when it suits them and I would really not want to be close frinds with them at all anyway.

MillyR · 30/08/2011 15:08

The last three posters, do you have anything to say about the actual topic of people who have no female friends, as you are all saying you do have female friends?

jellybeans208 · 30/08/2011 15:11

Yes I agree its strange especially when someone writes off 50% of people based on their made up assumptions of people. I also think its odd when people havent got any long standing friends as it makes me think why has no one kept in contact with them?

I have a group of female friends, 3 very best friends who I am very close to and also male friends. Best to have a mix up of lots of people I think

Cereal · 30/08/2011 15:19

Nice... Hmm

"I also find that if people (men and women) are on the receiving end of alot of bitching it's probably because they deserve it."

stripeywoollenhat · 30/08/2011 15:20

where do these weird, depressing ideas about sexed character traits come from? meh. if you don't like hanging out with men/women (delete as appropriate) chances are it's some neurosis of your own that's guiding your behaviour...

Giddly · 30/08/2011 15:35

I find that lots of outgoing "friendly" people can exhibit great deceit and cruelty in the name of banter/gossip when it suits them I think cruelty and deceit are very rare characteristics. I do think however, peope may say silly or ill-thought out things that can be misconstrued, often because they are themselves uncomfortable socially. I think that many of you that seem to have problems with large sections of the population are probably failing to give normal, decent people who sometimes fail to say the right thing the benefit of the doubt.

adamschic · 30/08/2011 15:38

Cereal, people would have to exhibit extreme flawed behaviour for me to bitch about them. That was my point. Women aren't all bitchy about nothing, none that I've come across anyway.

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats · 30/08/2011 15:48

Most people are, I would say, perfectly nice. I have lots of lovely female friends, because we have shared interests, and a fair number of male friends. I wouldn't make generalisations about either sex.

I would say that I don't trust the type of woman (and I have met a few) who make a big deal of saying they prefer the company of men. Some do prefer it, and that's fine - perhaps they have shared interests or are bored by the way that conversation between women tends to veer to the personal and the specific. I have very different types of conversation with my male friends, but neither is better in my view, just different

But someone who is prepared to write off 50% of the population with a sweeping generalisation isn't someone I would be likely to have much in common with. And the person I knew who made the biggest fuss about being a "man's woman" turned out to be the most manipulative, conniving and deeply unpleasant individual of either gender I have ever come across. She as good as ruined my life for a year or so - frankly she had no idea about friendship of any description (and indeed the fact she had few male friends and no female friends should have been a huge red flag rather than something that made me feel sorry for her).

Cereal · 30/08/2011 15:50

adamschic I can think of women/girls who have been on the receiving end of a fair amount of undeserved bitching.

In some cases it's due to jealousy of intelligence or looks. No matter how nice the person is, some unpleasant competitor may appear to "bring them down a peg or two", because they can't stand the person to be happy.

Or the person may be shy, but ironically, people assume their lack of eye-contact and unwillingness to talk much are due to arrogance, and shun them.

Unfortunately these things can certainly be patterns which happen to someone more than once, but I don't think it's "deserved".

MillyR · 30/08/2011 15:57

I agree with Giddly. Sometimes people just say the most stupid things about others, but they don't really mean them. They are not mean spirited people. We all make mistakes and have to be tolerant of other people's mistakes.

adamschic · 30/08/2011 16:04

Yes, I acknowledge that behaviour and was a victim at school nowadays I could have received support for it.

I am thinking about now as a grown up. I might talk about a colleague who is always skiving off work. I like the person but don't like the behaviour. I think that is deserved. Guess most of the women I know are nice people.

carminagoesprimal · 30/08/2011 16:14

Yanbu - It's not that I wouldn't 'trust' her - I'd just think it was a bit weird.
I've never come across it so it must be unusual.