To be gutted by in-laws reaction to primary school decision

[Mindthegap007]

So, chatting to in-laws re future schools for DD1 (only 2 so early days, though August birthday so I think we need to be thinking about applications late next year) and mentioned we were seriously considering renting out our spacious 4-bed house in east London where local school is ok but usual challenges (high % kids english not first language etc) to much smaller property (2/3 bed flat probably, possibly with garden) in a nice part of north London where we know people and the schools are excellent. Fil said it was 'a bit desperate' and mil said we should consider fact that we will have '2 growing girls who will need space'. Yes, space is nice, but overall I feel a really good school is more important. Feel more disappointed/hurt than I probably should about this and not sure why. Think it's because they think I'm being a snob. Genuinely want my kids to be exposed to difference/diversity but not a expense of their education (that perennial dilemma). Probably overreacting as sleep deprived (dd2 6 months and still feeding through night) but really want to be supported in this decision rather than criticized. Btw, DP is sort of supportive but largely because he's so easygoing (I tend to make most of the decisions about most things!)

I would be careful of giving up a 4 bed house to move to a flat with children.
I don't know the area though so the flats may be lovely.
Sorry can't offer much more advice.

That does sound quite drastic, are your local schools really that bad? Our local school that DD1 starts in Sept does have high % of children where English is not their first language but is a really good school and had a great feel to it and acquaintances we know with children there are happy.

Maybe you have already done this but I think you should fully investigate all local options before deciding to move.

I also think downsizing from a 4 bed house to a 2 bed flat would be tough, we live in a 2 bed house with 2 DDs and I would love more space. Is there a compromise i.e. say 3 bed house in slightly better area?

Well honstly I think you'll have to toughen up a bit. To be "gutted" because an Inlaw said your choice was a bit desperate is frankly oversensitive.

Your schooling choices are nothing to do with the inlaws and I advise you to keep them to yourselves. Seriously...don't waste energy checking wat others think....you will muddy the waters of your own resolve.

Your choice sounds sensible to me. They probably have no idea how bad some schools are as in their day one just sent the kids to the school up the road, there was always room and people were satisfied more easily.

For your info there are always parents who are happy with what's on offer and always those who will go beyond their comfort zone to push for the best they can get. If you're the latter then that's that....I am too....live with it.

Have you been to see the schools in your area yet? Don't be swayed by what others say, you have to see the schools yourself.

You sound like a snob ,sorry

Apart from the fact that there is no such thing as a nice part of north London, YANBU. You're gonna get flamed for not wanting to send your children to your local, less desirable school "for the sake of the community" etc etc and you're likely to be asked "What if everyone did what you want to do...?" and all manner of other nonsense though. You aren't responsible for the community's education, just DDS, so just ignore!

Keep repeating, "We are going to do what's right for our child, we aren't asking to discuss it." or somesuch until they realise that YOU are the parents and that regardless of their opinions on education, diversity ar anything else it is YOUR decision to make.

I had the same from my parents when I decided to walk miles to get my daughters into a school away from my then catchment area. In the end I lost patience and told them to mind their own and until THEY were willing to guarantee that they would pick up the pieces of a failed, crap education, financially and emotionally, they should keep their opinions to themselves.

Funnily enough the offers of help weren't forthcoming and they went very quiet!

Have you actually visited these schools? % of children with EAL could be no problem at all - they could be bilingual. The problem would be high turn over of kids - lots joining in the middle of the year with no English as it usually takes a long time to get additional help/resources, if in fact they are provided at all. But this is unlikely to happen unless the school is not full.

I would not consider moving unless you know for certain that the other school is better, and that your dc would definitely get in to this better school. But if you know all this for certain, then I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Thing is though if pushing for the best you can get in terms of the school means a massive compromise on the rest of your life then is that the best decision? So your DDs might be at an "outstanding" school as opposed to say a good one or OK one but if home life becomes tough because you are all living on top of each other then is it worth it.

We were lucky as had a good school as I say on our doorstep so weren't in this position but I am not sure I would do what you are suggesting.

Teachers are very well equiped to deal with the differences of the children in their classes. I think you need to take time to look around the local schools - please bear in mind that YOU are your child's first teacher, if you give them the support they need, read with them at bed time and TALK to them they will learn. I really think that downsizing because of the % of EAL is a bad idea- in fact letting your children mix with children from different cultures enables them to develop even more as a person.

But then - your life...

People are right...you should visit all prosective schools where possible.

I see why you would want to move, however my dcs go to a school which is seen as the worst of the bunch in the area ( wasn't even one of our chices when we applied) and have really thrived there the school is lovely I can't see why it had the reputation it has tbh! I would have a look around the schools first and see if the things you are worrying about are really that much of an issue. I think home environment has alot to do with success at school probably more than the reputation of the school.

If the schools in the other area are 'excellent' then you will have to find somewhere extremely close to get a place I would think. The prices would be high as well and that's if somewhere actually came up for sale or rent. Regards the ILs comments, it's an unusual thing to do and would have been unheard of a generation ago. I can understand their bewilderment giving up a lifestyle for, let's face it, a cramped space and an uncertain outcome. But good luck though!

Why move to North London? It's nice enough, but expensive.

You could move OUT of London, to more suburban place and commute in if need be.

You have 2 years to worry about this, investigate ALL options. Go and see the schools in the area where you are. READ the ofsted reports, make an informed judgement.

then look at where you are working, how you need to get there and then see what you could compromise on.

DP is sort of supportive but largely because he's so easygoing (I tend to make most of the decisions about most things!)

Are you sure he hasnt voiced his concerns in private to his parents and they are maybe on his side in this.

Moving to a smaller property, is a big change. Supposing you have another child. What will happen then in a cramped flat.

Having a garden is something that does make a difference to your life too. If you move from a larger property, with space and a garden, to a small place with no garden, it will have an impact on your quality of life.

Thinking about it, if I were in your shoes Mindthegap, I'd be looking into selling up, moving out of London completely and buying/renting a smaller home and using the income saved/made to send my children to an indepndent school.

we are thinking of doing a similar thing that would mean moving from a lovely, modern, very desirable home to a 'project'. mil has passed some comments about the 'project' despite the fact that it obviously needs work so is far from perfect and i'm really (unreasonably) offended. it will probably take 5yrs living on water, lentils and whatever we can forage from the garden to afford to do any work on it which seems insane considering the near perfect house we live in and the good schools we are near.

i have kids the same age as yours but wouldn't risk living without a garden if i had a choice. there is a lovely park round the corner but nothing replaces the convenience of turfing them out the back door for a 5min run round when they're climbing the walls.

I find myself agreeing with your ILs,

Thanks for responses. Yes, agree we need to visit local schools before deciding on a move. The school we would def get into was in special measures, now improving but is huge and extremely high turnover of children. Also agree with needing to toughen up!

OP- are you actually going to move permanently? From a 4 bed house to a two bed flat? Or will you move into flat until DC are both in school and then move back home? The only thing about that is you will have to repeat process again as DC primary school doesn't automatically gain entry to the secondary.

Well, it's up to your and your dp to decide but tbh I think your inlaws have a point. I think people place too much importance on finding a "good" school, unless a school is really terrible, most children from a supportive family background can still thrive in an "ok" school. Personally I would think long and hard before downsizing to a much smaller place. I would never give up a garden, unless I really had no choice.

It is a big decision and there are lots of things to consider.

Whilst I neither agree or disagree with you because I do not know your personal situation, I do think it is important for you to bear in mind that children spend a lot more time at home than they do at school so their home and garden are important. Also bright, motivated children will do well in any school, especially with good parental support and encouragement

I'd be looking to move out of London all together, but then we did do that when I was pregnant, as we realised where we were we'd either have to move within London, find the money for prep (not going to happen) or send our DC to a not very good school. We realised for the same money, we could get a larger property in the catchment area for great schools and the fast train links we only added 10minutes each way to our daily commutes.

You will be reducing your quality of life for little advantage, if you are going to move away from your friends in East London, you might as well move a long way out and keep a similar sized home.

Just do what you think is right for your children, sod your in laws and anyone else. This won't be the first thing people disagree with you on. In fact, by school age you should be old hat and batting people off!

Why not make the move out of London and commute in?
No way on this earth would I live in a flat in a city with young kids through choice.