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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Did god spinkle dust on your belly??' NO! Really stuck please help

144 replies

RueyBoey · 27/08/2011 13:49

Umm NO!!

our DN (on of DH sister's daughter) is staying with us for about a week while SIL is in hospital.
She is obsessed with my baby bump and last night said to me at bed time (v.sleepily) 'Aunty Ruey you must be very happy that god put baby in your belly'
I didn't know what to say, but luckily she was very tired so I didn't say anything.
This morning she was in our room while I was getting dressed and after poking (gently) my bump she said, 'Did god spinkle dust on your belly to get the baby in there like he did for my mummy?'
I was stuck dumb (DH came in and has taken her to work so I didn't have time to reply)
She's 4 and me and DH don't really want to phone up SIL to say anything to her while she is in hospital.

I'm sure it'll come up again.

So what do we say/do???

OP posts:

Original poster

RueyBoey · 27/08/2011 20:22

I say this in shock - Fuck

Ummm, wow. well I wasn't expecting (stealing figs words - thank you for all your posts and window and greensleeves and all the rest of you who I can't go though and right you all down here.) furore

Right first off a thank you too all of you who have actually been helpful.

To put what some people have said (and not read my second post) it was the 'dust' and the blatant lie SIL told and what I should say in return Not the whole God issue. Is SIL a church going catholic? yes. Are my family and DH family Church going catholics? yes. I go to church If I am back home (france and/or ireland) I was married in a church and my DC will be christened. Me and my DH are as I said 'culturally catholic' And know doubt this will be passed to our DC(s) but as will our belief in socialism, gay rights, pro-choice and a hatred of some RC papal doctine, as well as our love of some christian believes. But that is not the issue.

Figs is correct about if I had contacted SIL (which as I said I did not) what I would have said. And yes I was aking how to 'fob' her off while not lying to DN. (when I certainly don't agree with telling children such things I definatly fall into figs and window camp on that one). I definatly wouldn't wish to step on SIL toes.

Oh and I don't think telling children the 'facts of life' ruins innocence. You would be amazed at some of the things some parents-to-be (I'm talking 30-somethings) believe about the 'birds and the bees'. It breeds the illinformed and many things (not expected/wanted/traumatic) can be caused because of it and I have seen it at it's worse

My DN is a wonderful, happy, bright 4 yr old. She would not I feel struggle with the concept of a mummy egg and a daddy seed growing inside of mummy in a place called a uterus. (at the very least - when she asked where baby comes from, assuming she didn't ask about seed and egg etc) Should children be told proper names - yes (in my book not calling things by a proper name gives it the feeling that it is dirty or something to be ashamed of) but that is a different issue, an important one to discuss but not what I asked. That is a conversation to have with my SIL and that I would be happy to have if I had the time or the inclination (I know where I and DH sit).

I liked what someone said "if they are old enought to ask the question they're old enought to know the answer, you just change it to suit the age of the child".

Thank you, if you have actually given me advice. And well if you have been rude then there we go.

OP posts:

Claw3 · 27/08/2011 20:41

I had a similar situation when i looked after a friends little boy, his dad had recently died, he was about 6 years old at the time.

Both friends little boy and my ds (same age) had come running into my bedroom in the middle of night, friend's boy was telling my ds that his dad had died and was now a ghost and watching over them (which is what his mum had told him)

My ds was petrified and was saying there is no such things as ghosts (which is what i had told him)

Now im an atheist and my version of the truth would be your dad isnt a ghost, he is worm food.

Of course i couldnt say that, its not my place.

According to a thread on here the other day, religious people believe all kinds of things, like God shows you a tape of your life and can wipe your memory when you die, nothing to stop him from sprinkling a bit of baby dust!

Bandwithering · 27/08/2011 21:08

wow, you're rude. Plenty of people 'actually helped you' by giving you their opinion. Just because it didn't fit in exactly with your own personal ideologies doesn't mean it wasn't helpful.

And why bother to ask for advice if nothing you don't agree with 100% is helpful? Most people will admit that the other side of the coin is at the very least helpful. They won't dismiss what they don't instantly agree with as rude and unhelpful.

Original poster

RueyBoey · 27/08/2011 21:19

If it came across as rude I am sorry, I did not mean it as such. By saying that I meant by those who helped me in my predictament which was to do with what to say to my DN. (not about people saying there own personal views on what to tell children - I would always try to be respectful of other peoples believes but actually on this matter (in my book) they don't really effect it) I was asking what I should say to be respectful of SIL while staying true to myself, not on what children should be told

If in trying to explain that I came across as rude I apologise.

OP posts:

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 21:20

Bandwithering hmmmm.... I don't think the OP was rude at all. I think that she expressed gratitude for the opinions expressed in a helpful way (whether they agreed with her or not), and just took exception to those posts that inferred a whole lot more from her posts than she ever said!

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 21:21

Ruey you were not rude!

Bandwithering · 27/08/2011 21:26

Ok fair enough, big of you to apologise on mn, I rarely do myself tbh!

AndiMac · 27/08/2011 21:26

Agree with Figs, you weren't rude.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 21:27

I don't think that the reason as to why people are'nt entirely honest with young children when it comes to sex is that its dirty, and disgusting, I think that they like myself see sex in the adult domain, and its something that only concerns adults and not children. I think that young children are being bombarded with too much information, and your description of how babies are made Ruey is a bit too detailed. Well my dd would not understand at the moment, she is 4.5 with dev delay. But I know my child and would explain it in a more simplistic way (seed, growing into a baby in mummies tummy ) and expand on that more when she gets older and her understanding gets better.

claw good thing you did not tell him that his dad was worm food, don't think that it would have gone down too well. Just because it does not fit in with your atheist beliefs does not mean its wrong, knowing that a loved one has gone to heaven and is watching over them, brings a lot of comfort to many children and adults and thats the main thing. How do you know what happens to your soul when you die, yes your body decomposes but what about you as a being? We never fully know so there is no right or wrong answer.

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 21:31

Bandwithering said "Ok fair enough, big of you to apologise on mn, I rarely do myself tbh! grin"

Yep; your lack of apology after an insulting post is duly noted.

Bandwithering · 27/08/2011 21:38

Geez. to be fair, I DID still think that her post was rude, but fgs, she's apologised so I don't want to be having a go at HER. The post did read like she was thanking the helpful-people-who-agreed-with-her and making a funny face at the rude people who didn't agree with her. I hauled her up on it, she said she hadn't meant to be rude. I made a lighthearted comment and I would have thought we were done then. Carry on fighting with your own shadow there figs.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 21:40

at the moment she is not interested so I am leaving it for when she is, mabey once baby is born in Jan, but will not push it.

Claw3 · 27/08/2011 21:48

Pigletmania, of course i wouldnt tell any child that, i was just making a point of your cannot tell someone elses child what you believe to be your version of the truth.

My friend hadnt told her son that his dad was in heaven, she had told him he was floating around earth as a ghost, he obviously found this comforting as it was his dad, but pretty scary for another 6 year old, my ds was waiting for a floating white sheet to come into his room! We settled on perhaps your mum might have meant 'an angel' we can ask her tomorrow, just so that my ds wasnt petrified and could go to sleep.

My ds believes in God and had she said heaven, it wouldnt have been a problem. It was the fact she said ghost and the fact my ds is petrified of the idea of ghosts.

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 21:51

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 21:53

thats good claw . The ghost notion can be scary for a child and probably an adult too.

Claw3 · 27/08/2011 22:00

Pigletmania, it put me right on the spot.

Ds come into my room in front of my friends little boy saying 'mum, tell x that there is no such thing as ghosts' i say 'of course there isnt' thinking they are both scared.

Then friends little boy says 'so what is my dad then' and then the story comes out about what his mum had told him.

I am then faced with going back on something i have always told ds 'there are no such things' or upsetting friends little boy. Angel seemed like the best thing, i could think of at the time!

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 22:03

angle sounds like a good compromise, don't know what I would have said.

WibblyBibble · 27/08/2011 23:28

Tell her you're still an unmarried virgin, but you were visited by an angel who said you were going to have a baby. Has been proven to work historically.

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 23:40

Wibbly

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