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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Did god spinkle dust on your belly??' NO! Really stuck please help

144 replies

RueyBoey · 27/08/2011 13:49

Umm NO!!

our DN (on of DH sister's daughter) is staying with us for about a week while SIL is in hospital.
She is obsessed with my baby bump and last night said to me at bed time (v.sleepily) 'Aunty Ruey you must be very happy that god put baby in your belly'
I didn't know what to say, but luckily she was very tired so I didn't say anything.
This morning she was in our room while I was getting dressed and after poking (gently) my bump she said, 'Did god spinkle dust on your belly to get the baby in there like he did for my mummy?'
I was stuck dumb (DH came in and has taken her to work so I didn't have time to reply)
She's 4 and me and DH don't really want to phone up SIL to say anything to her while she is in hospital.

I'm sure it'll come up again.

So what do we say/do???

OP posts:

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 17:39

whatever someone might think, we all have different views on sex education, but in this case its not the op place to tell the little girl. There are many ways of diverting the topic and not going into detail about it.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 17:42

so if she asks again just change the subject, or tell her to ask her mummy.

prettyfly1 · 27/08/2011 17:43

Oh lordy what on earth is the issue here? I am neither religious, nor an outright aethiest but I read the little girls comments as really rather sweet. She is FOUR. One day in the future she will be told the truth and the world will no longer seem quite so magical as it does to her right now. It is called childhood and it is absolutely not your place to "enlighten" her to the realities of the world. It could be a stork, a magic seed or in your nieces case the magic of a god you may, or may not believe in but many, many children are not given the stark realities of conception at four and nor should they be. Let her have her niceties and stop making a drama over nothing.

toomuchpurple · 27/08/2011 17:49

Well some people are being very umm harsh.

Ignoring all that OP.

I think maybe smile and distract. (I liked CustardCakes and FigsandWines ideas - something like that would work. Esp as you don't feel comfortable agreeing with your SIL and/or DN. I wouldn't either)

And - correct me if I'm wrong - the whole mw thing is because it is very close to what you do. You are use to being very clear and scientific esp when it comes to things like this. It must to use your words OP go against the grain, to hear someone explain it like that even if they are only 4

Oh and FC and the tooth fairy are very different to where babies come from - so lets ignore all that.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 17:52

prettyfly I could not put it better myself, I totally agree with you. I was told the same thing by my mother, and in time I learned the truth when i was older and about to understand things better.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 17:54

Midwifes deal with teens and adults not young children though.

prettyfly1 · 27/08/2011 17:59

Thanks piglet. This fad of telling children the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is in my opinion, and it is purely that, a mistake. Children need magic and a little sugar coating - the real world will strike them soon enough and one day she will smile sweetly at her own perception of santa, babies being created with magic dust from god and no doubt a hundred other fairy tales. Myths and fairytales and believing in the impossible are what make childhood magical and sparkle and even if you take all that aside, contradicting a childs mother is outright wrong and if you are of the mindset that somehow believing in things that arent true is "harmful" then you must also consider the potential damage of breaking a childs trust in its mother at such a young age. Smile nicely, let her have her fairy tales and wait for the laughs you can have with her when she is old enough to know the truth.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 18:02

Totally prettyfly they will be exposed the harsh world soon enough and will learn about penises going inside vaginas soon enough anyway.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 18:04

And yes my vulva is known as a frou frou , it must make some MN teeth itch

mumwithdice · 27/08/2011 18:10

I agree that it isn't your place, but if there are other children about, they may take matters into their own hands a la Addams Family Values.

Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf, in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!

Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.

Wednesday: They had sex.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 18:16

Exactly! they will learn soon enough, and then the mum in question will have to tell the facts to her dd eventually.

WidowWadman · 27/08/2011 18:19

prettyfly why is there a need to make a baby/pregnancy somehow magical? Once the child finds out that their parents lied to them about where the babies come from, and it causes them to be distressed is it the fault of those who told the truth or those who lied?

As for the children;s need for magic - isn't it mindblowingly magical enough that mummy and daddy can merge two cells and grow a whole new human being out of it? Why invent an imaginary friend spraying fairy dust if the truth is so amazing already?

It saddens me that people can be so blind regarding the wonders of the universe that they feel the need to invent some.

toomuchpurple · 27/08/2011 18:25

pigletmania I am aware of that but the point was that OP will deal with facts/science on a day to day basis. Therefore the awkwardness of OP about 'dust' would stem from that.

There is a difference from sugar coating and fairy tales of children and lying.
You don't explain things to a 4 yr old the same as you would to a 10yr old or older. But lying then back tracking is confusing. Does OP agree with what SIL told DN, no that much is obvious. Is she saying that she will be sitting DN down to explain the whole birds and bees to her - No.

She is simply asking how does she and her DH remain true to their views on sex ed and what to tell children (not on god or anything of the like OP said herself she is RC) and remaining respectful to her SIL and how she choses to raise her DD.

And that is a perfectly simple question to ask (she is not asking on anyones view on SIL choice or on hers on sex ed and 'innocents')

prettyfly1 · 27/08/2011 18:26

Widow you have illustrated my points exactly. You have your perception and I have mine and were I to "lie" to your children or you to "enlighten" mine to our opposing views both of us would have the right to be very cross indeed. I would never presume my right to raise my children how I see fit upon you and nor would I expect you to do the same and this is that situation entirely. FWIW I believed in santa, fairies and storks and am not horribly traumatised by the betrayal of my parents.

I grew up understanding that you learn certain things at certain times as your maturity expands to understand it. And as it happens my favourite argument when my dss informs my younger children that magic doesnt exist is to ask him to explain the changing of the seasons so I am in complete agreement that there is plenty of magic in the real world to encourage children to enjoy. I just believe that there is a time to introduce certain elements of it in a childs life and when I child is excited and enthralled by amazing gold dust babies and mum is not around to explain things fully is certainly not it.

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 18:35

Exactly WidowWadman! Our bodies and the way they work never ceases to amaze me, and I hope to endow my DD with some of that wonder. No need for magic fairy dust here; just the magic of new life springing from the meeting of two bundles of cells!

My DstepF is very traditional and can't think why you would tell children anything biologically factual. Recently we were all together and the dog had just been spayed. DD (8) said
"What did they actually do in the operation Mummy?" To which I replied
"She had a hysterectomy; it means that the vet removed her uterus so that she can't ha......" When DSF interrupted in outraged tones
"Oh for goodness sake she doesn't understand what a uterus is!". DD gave him a withering look and said
"Grandad! The uterus is where the baby grows after the egg gets fertilised. Don't you know that?!"

Do I think that means that she is any less 'innocent'? No I fucking don't. She knows that the sperm get from the testicles (via the penis) to the egg in the fallopian tubes (via the vagina), but she hasn't yet asked how they get there. When she's ready, she'll ask, and I'll tell her. I really can't see how that would destroy her childhood, frankly.

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 18:39

The thing that's making me laugh is that OP didn't ever say that she was contemplating telling her DN the facts of life or contradicting the god dust theory (arf). She merely asked for suggestions on how to handle the situation of a child asking her to confirm something untrue and kind of ridiculous. I read it as 'how to I fob this off without blatantly lying' not 'shall I tell her the truth or not?'

WidowWadman · 27/08/2011 18:42

Figs totally agree with all you said and love the spaying story. It's how I hope to do it with my children

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 18:52

I don't see it that way widow not all children will feel the same, you might feel that you were being lied to but not all children will. When they are old enough to understand they will know its not true. Figsandwine that is fine for an 8 year old but not say for a 3-4 year old, their understanding might not be as advanced and its too much detail.

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 18:55

Widow last summer DM & DSF took her a friend's farm, and she was shown their stud bull. The farmer said
"That's our daddy bull, and he gives us the baby bulls, but we won't talk about that.." with an indulgent smile and a wink to DM & DSF. DD said brightly
"Oh I know all about that; the male makes the sperm in his testicles and it fertilises the egg in the female and then the baby grows in her uterus". My very amused DM said the expression on the farmer's face was a picture.

WidowWadman · 27/08/2011 19:02

pigletmania why would it be wrong for a four year old to know that mummy's egg was fertilised by daddy's seed and then a baby grows out of this?

They can already see that the baby grows in mummy's tummy, so what's wrong with telling them that mummy has an egg and daddy has a seed and together they will form a baby. which grows in a part of mummys tummy which is called uterus? That's where I would leave it with at first, and only go into further detail if the child asks. In truthful, but simple terms.

I just can't see why this knowledge would be somehow detrimental to a young child?

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 19:06

But piglet that's when I started telling her; in very simple terms, but factual. It helps that I have a big interest in anatomy and physiology, and when she was 4, I was studying midwifery (I'm not a mw though; only did 2 yrs) so had my anatomy and physiology bible out all the time; DD used to love looking through it and talking about the pictures. She also, at that age (4-5) asked where babies came from. I explained the basics, and also bought the great book 'Where Willy Went' (much more innocent than it sounds; it's about a sperm called Willy who liked swimming ). If I'd been explaining the process of sex to her at that point, then no; to me that is not appropriate (although if she'd asked, then I'd have discussed it), but children have a knack of asking the questions that they are ready to hear the answers to. As I say, she still hasn't asked about the mechanics of sperm meets egg - she will when she's ready.

prettyfly1 · 27/08/2011 19:13

widow in principle it isnt harmful at all - but telling her that in contrast to the mothers story would very definitely be. It isnt what the girls mother has told her and the op needs to smile sweetly and respect that we all have very differing ideas of how and when education about this should be granted. I appreciate that if you really believe something is wrong this can be hard but its part of life and taking away a fairly innocent and really rather sweet fantasy off a four year old because you as an adult dont agree with their parent is frankly arrogant. I appreciate that OP has not done this but she did feel the need to attempt to contact the childs mother, over this which feels like an unnecessary over reaction to me. Not your child, not your choice - end of story as far as I am concerned.

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 19:25

Pretty I agree that it would not be appropriate to disabuse the child of a notion given by the parents, certainly not at that age. But the OP didn't suggest doing so, and she said that she would not be contacting the mum. I would imagine that if she did so, it would be along the lines of 'Blimey, what do you want me to say?' not 'I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell DN that babies come about after sex between consenting adults (or teenagers ) rather that god sprinkling magic dust onto abdomens'.

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 27/08/2011 19:25

Tell the nosey little brat you swallowed a baby for asking too many questions. That should shut her up.

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 19:25

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