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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Did god spinkle dust on your belly??' NO! Really stuck please help

144 replies

RueyBoey · 27/08/2011 13:49

Umm NO!!

our DN (on of DH sister's daughter) is staying with us for about a week while SIL is in hospital.
She is obsessed with my baby bump and last night said to me at bed time (v.sleepily) 'Aunty Ruey you must be very happy that god put baby in your belly'
I didn't know what to say, but luckily she was very tired so I didn't say anything.
This morning she was in our room while I was getting dressed and after poking (gently) my bump she said, 'Did god spinkle dust on your belly to get the baby in there like he did for my mummy?'
I was stuck dumb (DH came in and has taken her to work so I didn't have time to reply)
She's 4 and me and DH don't really want to phone up SIL to say anything to her while she is in hospital.

I'm sure it'll come up again.

So what do we say/do???

OP posts:

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 14:40

In your opinion Greensleves but not all parents believe in that, and it would not be your place to decide. I totally disagree with you, I was not damaged by my parents trying to preserve my innocence at all. I found out later when I was much more able to understand it (i had dev delay). Yes its good to be honest but in an age appropriate way.

Hardgoing · 27/08/2011 14:40

I told my children the truth (in very simple terms) at 3/4, they just took no notice and didn't believe me anyway (as it does sound ludicrous to them). Four is very very young. Plus she wasn't actually asking a question, she stated something as her truth, who are you to tell her different at that age? If another person's child said 'it's so great Father Christmas is bringing me presents because I've been good' I might privately think I wouldn't teach mine that about being good, but I wouldn't feel compelled to correct them.

Greensleeves · 27/08/2011 14:42

southmum - on the father christmas thing, I wouldn't go out of my way to debunk it just to be spiteful

but if the child looked me in the eyes and asked me straight - is this true?

I would say "I personally don't think so, but people believe different things and lots of people believe he is real"

I'd find that a lot harder than the reproduction thing tbh

WidowWadman · 27/08/2011 14:42

I find the idea of "innocence" rather eugh. As if knowing that mummy and daddy combine their DNA to make a baby is somehow "guilty"

sjuperwolef · 27/08/2011 14:42

ive always stuck by what my aunt told me when i was pregnant - if they are old enought to ask the question they're old enought to know the answer, you just change it to suit the age of the child.

at 4 DD knew babies came from special cuddles between a mummy and daddy.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 14:42

yes imo children and children for only a small time, and yes the innocence of children is lovely.

Greensleeves · 27/08/2011 14:43

but the innocence of children has nothing to do with how much they know about the facts of biological processes

and everything to do with how much shame, secrecy, prudishness and intolerance they have been exposed to

IMO

Greensleeves · 27/08/2011 14:45

my 9yo has Aspergers and knows more about biology/science/many many things than I do

and yet he is incredibly innocent, heartrendingly so

and you're right piglet, children's innocence is beautiful and precious

we just differ on what constitutes damage to that innocence.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 14:51

my dd 4.5 is not asking and I will not broach the subject until she asks, by that time she will be ready, she has a delay so her understanding is not as like other 4.5 year olds. Even then it will be in very age appropriate simplistic terms, as I said she knows that there is a baby in mummies tummy but does not ask how it got there.

southmum · 27/08/2011 14:52

I was hoping youd say an outright "yes" so i could give you a [grinch]

It just baffles me that some think its fine to just stamp all over boundaries that are not theirs to cross, or get involved in. Id like to think that as a parent I know what my kids can and cant 'deal' with when it comes to God, religion, where babies come from etc and it would actually be very insulting if someone else just paraded in and decided that what Ive told my kids is wrong (in their eyes). I guess id be worried that my kids wouldnt believe anything else I said.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 14:52

so she knows that there is a baby growing in my tummy, not that a stork has brought it

AKissIsNotAContract · 27/08/2011 15:00

I did something similar with my nephew. He was in big trouble for playing with his penis at about 4. His dad (my DB) told him off and was telling him it was dirty etc. When DB left the room I told my nephew it was fine to do it as long as it was in private. I don't care if I went against DBs beliefs, I didn't want DN growing up with a complex.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 15:03

Akiss that is different, your DB was being very negative about it, but mabey you should have approached your DB and explained how wrong this view is, and that it could store up issues for the future.

southmum · 27/08/2011 15:11

I think for me its not about childrens innocence and talking about storks etc. Its more the fact that for some reason, the parents might have told their child one thing, because they know their childs personality and that they might not yet handle the truth about whatever it is. Or if its about God maybe they have had a beloved grandparent pass away and for a short time its easier for the child to cope with if they believe there is a god / afterlife or whatever. It just feels, I dunno, a bit cruel to both the kid and the parents to barge in and negate everything that the parents have said.

Infact my Dad is very much a "I say what I like and I like what I bloody well say" kind of knob person, Im already starting to worry that he is going to rampage all over everything we tell the kids so maybe thats why this has struck a chord with me. eg (Father Christmas doesnt exist DGS's so ignore your Mum and Dad when they say you had better be good or youre not getting any presents [fume])

AKissIsNotAContract · 27/08/2011 15:14

The thing is piglet, his view is wrong in your opinion, and obviously in mine. But DB is a catholic and this is what he believes. People are arguing on this thread that it is the parent's right to raise their child with whatever beliefs they want and no one else should interfere. I interfered and I'm glad I did.

Getting my brother to alter his beliefs would be a step too far. I'm an atheist, if it was that easy DB wouldn't believe in god!

southmum · 27/08/2011 15:15

AKiss I also agree that that is a different scenario

Feminine · 27/08/2011 15:18

Ruey why does the fact that you are a midwife have anything to do with it?

well I hope thats what the mw stood for?

All adults know how babies are made ...this time there is no need to bring your work home with you.

This thread will eventually turn in to a what your child needs to know ,and at what point always does...

Then lots of differing opinions ...then someone suggesting the four year old is taken to the Brook advisory clinic!

Chill please ,for heavens sake... what on earth does matter?

southmum · 27/08/2011 15:20

AKiss, iI think your situation is different as IMO telling a 4 year old that playing with their weenie (teehee) is dirty could do actual psychological damage in the long run as it is then seen to be dirty, disgusting, shameful, something not to be discussed.

Letting a kid believe for a little while that God has sprinkled dust on their mums belly or that FC brings presents is not on the same dangerous scale, as its pretty obvious that one day soon the kid will have to find out the truth. A kid being told their winkie (teehee) is dirty may never mention it again so wont have the opportunity to be told the truth until the damage has been done.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 15:22

Yes Akiss it is slightly different, he is being very negative. southmum I totally agree, everybody parents in different ways, and they know their child better than anybody and what they will/will not understand, and their beliefs might be different to yours e.g. religious, Therefore it is not anybody else's business to intervene. Easy just smile and change the subject.

southmum · 27/08/2011 15:39

Agree with your agreement Piglet

I also keep thinking back to the time when my Nephews (about 4.5 at the time) gerbil died, he was heartbroken to the point where it was gut wrenching to hear him crying. DB told him that the gerbil was in heaven with all of the familys other pets that had passed and was playing with them all. It didnt totally stop the tears, but I could see that it gave him a bit of hope and helped him deal with the situation.

We all tell lies to our kids, I see no harm in the ones that help them deal with milestones in their lives that might otherwise cause distress (within reason of course, Im not advocating telling a 13 year old that Gerbils go to Rodent Heaven)

AndiMac · 27/08/2011 15:42

Why should telling a 4 year old where babies come from cause distress? Again, I'm not advocating necessarily tearing down what the girl has been told, but knowing the truth about how you make a baby is not distressing. It's not like the OP was going to show her a porno to illustrate things.

WidowWadman · 27/08/2011 15:43

southmum I guess id be worried that my kids wouldnt believe anything else I said.

But that's a risk you'll always run if you tell your children about your beliefs as if they were absolute truths. You can only blame yourself then.

southmum · 27/08/2011 16:07

Widow - to clarify Im talking about a small time frame, not the rest of their lives.

pigletmania · 27/08/2011 16:09

It all depends on a childs level of understanding and how their personality is like

southmum · 27/08/2011 16:10

Andi - Im talking about milestones in general, fwiw I dont believe telling a 4 yo where babies come from will cause distress at all

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