to feel utterly trapped and pissed off with my life

[ssd]

I don't know if I'm depressed or just really down, I feel so desperate and hopeless and sad

I have a nice family, dh and 2 kids. Dh is very involved with the kids to the point he's like super dad, coaches their sports , volunteers for this, love to watch them play sport( I have 2 boys they and dh are totally football mad). I permanently feel like the odd one out, I have watched them on a Saturday for the past 6 years if possible, I will encourage them to the ends of the earth, but I'm not into football, it is of no interest to me and if mine weren't playing I wouldn't go near. If the world cup was playing outside my window I wouldn't open the blinds. But my boys love it and I'm pleased they have a passion for sport and I encourage them as much as I can. Dh and them love the same team and go to watch when funds allow. I am totally left out, I just don't share their interest, however hard I try.

The boys train at night and play at the weekend, they are 3 years apart and they never train or play together, so someone is always at home with whoever isn't playing at that time. And its always me at home, always. I feel liike a rat in a cage. Dh either coaches them or is involved in some way and of course he's champing at the bit to go and watch them anyway.

I have no family support at all, no one I could leave either child in with whilst I go and do something for me (don't know what is for me anyway now). My mum is mid 80's and there is no one here but me for her, she relies on me for so much and there is no one to share the strain with. I resent her for being so old and so needy, I feel so needy but theres no mum to ask for help, I'm like her mum now and that hurts so much.

I just feel so sad and lonely, i feel theres nothing for me. I can't plan anything as one of us has to be here for whoever's not playing as I said earlier. Me and dh have absolutley no coupe time, we have tried to get a babysitter but costs and the lack of anyone around here has put the ki bosh on that, we never have a night out. I can't organise the boys to go for sleepovers, friends offer then when you get the nerve up to ask they can't help, I have asked the friends who have offered and they are always going out, it doesn't help that everyone I know here has close family who seem to help out all the time.

I just feel so shite and I'm sick of it, if I had any money I'd run away.

Smallwhitecat I am tempted to write a screed about how a pursuit which was predominantly female in its fanbase would never be permitted to dominate family lives and our national culture to this insane extent...

Brilliantly put. That is sort of what I was trying to say about how hacked off I am that football impinges on all our lives whether we like the damn game or not.

ssd I hope you are feling at least a little better.
An elderly parents topic is a great idea.

Would you like to tell us more about your mum? Does she live nearby? Is she very frail? Does it fall to you to do a lot of practical caring for her?

I really feel for you. I often feel the same myself (with much less cause!)- that my life is just an adjunct.
I think your husband needs to cut back on his coaching. He doesn't need to be there every single day. Someone else can do one or two days a week while he spends time with you one day and gives you a break another.

If he wants his marriage to survive, he can't just leave you to languish on your own at home, providing hot meals and skivvying services. Why would anyone put up with that?

I started a pilates class at a local church at the beginning of the year. It doesn't cost much, I wouldn't even say I am much interested in it but I do enjoy the class and it's really nice to do something once a week which is just me being me, rather than the service department of other people's lives.

thanks again for all replies

figs, you are so right. I just don't have the will anymore, also I genuinely don't know what I enjoy anymore. I can't see the wood for the trees, you're so right there. I feel I'm spending so much time at home or alone that I'm cut off from whats happening in the world.

Jasper, thanks, but I can't talk about my mum here, I feel if I start I'd go on forever. I wish I was more of a black and white person, I have a sister like this and I wish I was like this and didn't feel things so much.

BTW all siblings live hundreds of miles away and its just me and mum here, dh has no family we see either

its just a lonely life sometimes, all around I see extended families helping each other out, visiting and socialising and it just makes the loneliness worse.
I would like to join an evening class or something but I feel like I'd be this lonely figure coming and going myself and thats a bit sad.

Above all else I just want my mum to be my mum, not the other way round.

ssd would it be worth a visit to your GP to tell him/ her how you're feeling? A referral to a counsellor, maybe, to explore your feelings about the situation with your mum? I know you might think 'well talking about it won't change the difficult situation', but it could help you cope with how that situation is impacting on you emotionally. I've suffered from depression pretty much all of my adult life, and I now (after years of coming on and off them) accept that I will always need to take AD medication. For me, the ADs don't miraculously make me feel fine, but they give me a little leg up which allows me to do the things I know will make me feel better. Without them, I know what I need to do, I just can't summon the wherewithall/motivation/enthusiasm to do it. Might a short (6-12months) course of ADs give you a leg up?

You said "I would like to join an evening class or something but I feel like I'd be this lonely figure coming and going myself and thats a bit sad."

But that is only your perception of the situation; other people would probably be thinking "Blimey, how on earth does she find time to fit in an evening course whilst running a household with two gorgeous boys and such an involved DH?!" See?

I used the excuse of a short break in Spain next year, to learn Spanish on audio cds. I have trouble sleeping, so I listen to it on my ipod in bed when I can't sleep. It gives me a feeling of achievement when I realise that I'm progressing, and other interests bloom from it too; I've started cooking more Spanish food, for instance. I think if you cultivate an interest in somthing, whether it be language or knitting or sewing or birdwatching or whatever grabs you; you start to get that feeling of doing something that nourishes you, something that rewards you.

Or to put it more succinctly; you need an 'obby, m'dear!

ssd - I think you need some young female company! Being mother to a family of sons is not always easy - I see my friends/contemporaries who only have sons and the older they get, the harder it is for them. It seems to me (based on observing such families) that boys get closer to their fathers and family life starts revolving entirely around male leisure activities, leaving mothers all on their own to pick up the pieces/do the housework. I don't think that the fathers/boys mean badly - they just don't see that they treat the mother like a drudge.

I think a hobby would be a great idea - but it needs to be one where you enjoy the company of other women, IMVHO. A book club? They can be quite girly and are low cost!

I haven't read the whole thread but if you do go to your GP he will also have information on support for carers, i don't think that you see yourself as a carer but just as a daughter supporting her mum.

Apologies if its been said, caring for a parent is tough especially if it is at a time when you need support yourself.

I have always done classes/courses, it is were my interest lies rather than practical hobbies, although i always have had dogs. Most of the people attending go on their own and you find that they are all very friendly. There is always a good mix of people. I have done academic classes and 'alternative' courses, crystal healing, meditation, even massage. I found the counselling courses that i went on invaluable. I have gone on to qualify myself in this field but it also helped with my communication and personal relationships.

I would like to join an evening class or something but I feel like I'd be this lonely figure coming and going myself and thats a bit sad.

ssd. Most people attending evening classes go by themselves. At least the ones I've been to. It's a way of persuing a hobby/interest that friends aren't in to.

Ssd I'm sorry you feel so low. Could you show your dh your original post? He may not realise how low you are unless you spell it out. You are grieving for the mother/daughter relationship you had with your mum, and caring for someone else when you are running on empty emotionally is hard. I think you sound depressed, your gp could help with that.

My only other thought was that there must be other football partners who have very little interest in football, have you ever met other women in the same boat at the training or matches? Could your dh ask other coaches or parents and their partners round for drinks? Or organise a fundraising social night? There might be potential friends there even if you do meet them through football. I have a friend who has a circle of football 'widows' who all go out for drinks together.

The trouble with saying why not join a group, or do this or that is that when you are down and depressed and feeling trapped it is hard to see solutions to problems, or to find new interests and friends. I think the first step is to sort out how you are feeling. Tell your dh how bad you are feeling and ask for his support. And make an appointment today to see your gp as soon as you can.
Keep posting, you will find a lot of support on here, and we want to know how you are getting on

you're all really kind

Its been suggested to me before to speak to my GP, but I'm very sceptical/wary of anti d's, I just feel like I'm usually a positive person and these low feelings are taking over,but I don't know how to change them. How do anti d's work, how can a tablet change your feelings when you are low? I don't get how this works, I take paracetamol for pain but thats physical, how can a drug change your emotional state? I know lots of people who have taken them, might still do, but I just don't know if they are for me, or if these feelings are normal when you are the sole worrier about an old mum and have a family of males, as bonsoir rightly wrote about.

I am lucky in a lot of aspects, but feel maybe I'm just unlucky in others and at this time of my life the other aspects have all came down and hit me at the same time.

What were your interests before you met your husband? When you were 18, what did you do for fun? What did you do on a sunday afternoon?

You weren't always a cook/cleaner/babysitter were you? You've probably given up all your hobbies over a matter of years as "other priorities" made you give way.

seems to me like you're mourning the loss of your mum - yes she's still around, but not in the same capacity.

plus you're missing that closeness with your family that your dh is having, and you're lacking a wider support network.

nothing wrong with your dh or you, just that circumstances at the moment aren't what you'd like.

i think you do need someone to talk to about your mum, so maybe a therapist will help. i think you should see if there are support networks for carers of the elderly so you can see if there's someone who feels the same way you do.

i also think you should spend less time at home / alone. you say that you think you'd be the lonely old sad sack at one of these do's, but i can assure you that EVERYONE feels the same! just get out there. do a course in something that's always interested you.

you need to take ACTION, because just by doing something about it you'll start to feel better.

I loved travelling, did loads of that, I was a bit of a free spirit

also loved meeting friends and chatting!

didn't really do a hobby or such, was just into pleasing myself and spending my own money!!

thats why I don't have a hobby now, the boys are like my hobby, as I don't have money to travel and rarely meet friends as am tied to the house so much, friends all busy with their own lives eg. sisters/mums/full time jobs involving shifts anyway.

Does all mums have a hobby, maybe I'm the odd one out!

warthog you hit the nail on the head there

So you've gone from being a woman who would jump on a plane/bus/train and travel the world alone getting by in sign language in far off places to someone who is scared to walk in to an evening class because you don't know anyone?

What's become of you ?

I don't think, sadly, that it is "unusual" for many women not to have a hobby - but I don't think it's healthy. There are a billion and one things you can do, from going to the local climbing club or getting up at dawn to go rowing in a team to getting hot & flustered at car boot sales when you discover a rare butterly fly stamp from Peru 1952! IMO, "chatting" is not really a hobby, it's just social interaction.

Here's the science bit

Your brain works by passing chemicals (neurotransmitters) across connections in nerve cells. In depression the levels of these chemicals is low and the antidepressant corrects this by preventing the reuptake of the chemicals into the ends of the connections.. So it helps to balance the neurotransmitters.

Your gp will explain it better.

Remember you can take a course and see what you think after a few months, your doctor will guide you on this.

The depression can be just a chemical problem, not necessarily caused by the circumstances of your life. Like having an under active thyroid. Or it can be both. But your circumstances look better when you can think more clearly.

Ssd - I think people here have offered a lot of suggestions here how you could find some time to yourself, and what you could do - trying to think it through with you. But you seem to poo poo everything.

I guess you're stuck.

I go to an art class, nearly all the people there are my mum's age, many are widowed any lots of their families have moved away. My mum lives away too, so we all keep each other company. There is the occasional younger person, and I'm sure in a different subject there'd be a spread of ages.

Just a thought; if your boys are school age could you find time to do some volunteering? It might spark an interest in something you hadn't considered before and turn into a hobby or even future employment. I appreciate this may not be possible if you spend a lot of time caring for your DM.

Maybe helping with reading at a local school, gardening for oldies, charity shop volunteer, CAB receptionist - loads of possibilities.

Just like evening classes, they do require you feeling up to getting yourself out there.

where did I poo poo everything?

of course I'm thinking through all the replies, not once have I said "I would never do that"

somethings are a possibility, some things would involve a change in my thinking, but I strongly refute the suggestion I've poo poo'd everything

in fact I'm quite insulted.

in fact Animation, you have ruined this thread for me, I was feeling like I had a lot of support from some great women who understood how I felt and explained it better than I could, it made me feel very positive, but you have came along and been very negative, so thanks very much for that.

Sorry ssd.

I was under the impression you couldn't make any changes. That things had to stay much as they were.

What changes are you considering?

While I understand where the ideas are coming from, I really don't think ssd should contemplate a hobby that is in any shape or form a "volunteer" job. I think ssd spends her whole life giving out to others and what she really needs is not another activity that requires her to give out, but one that fills her up.