to feel utterly trapped and pissed off with my life

[ssd]

I don't know if I'm depressed or just really down, I feel so desperate and hopeless and sad

I have a nice family, dh and 2 kids. Dh is very involved with the kids to the point he's like super dad, coaches their sports , volunteers for this, love to watch them play sport( I have 2 boys they and dh are totally football mad). I permanently feel like the odd one out, I have watched them on a Saturday for the past 6 years if possible, I will encourage them to the ends of the earth, but I'm not into football, it is of no interest to me and if mine weren't playing I wouldn't go near. If the world cup was playing outside my window I wouldn't open the blinds. But my boys love it and I'm pleased they have a passion for sport and I encourage them as much as I can. Dh and them love the same team and go to watch when funds allow. I am totally left out, I just don't share their interest, however hard I try.

The boys train at night and play at the weekend, they are 3 years apart and they never train or play together, so someone is always at home with whoever isn't playing at that time. And its always me at home, always. I feel liike a rat in a cage. Dh either coaches them or is involved in some way and of course he's champing at the bit to go and watch them anyway.

I have no family support at all, no one I could leave either child in with whilst I go and do something for me (don't know what is for me anyway now). My mum is mid 80's and there is no one here but me for her, she relies on me for so much and there is no one to share the strain with. I resent her for being so old and so needy, I feel so needy but theres no mum to ask for help, I'm like her mum now and that hurts so much.

I just feel so sad and lonely, i feel theres nothing for me. I can't plan anything as one of us has to be here for whoever's not playing as I said earlier. Me and dh have absolutley no coupe time, we have tried to get a babysitter but costs and the lack of anyone around here has put the ki bosh on that, we never have a night out. I can't organise the boys to go for sleepovers, friends offer then when you get the nerve up to ask they can't help, I have asked the friends who have offered and they are always going out, it doesn't help that everyone I know here has close family who seem to help out all the time.

I just feel so shite and I'm sick of it, if I had any money I'd run away.

[squeakytoy]

You have to be more assertive. If one is training, then your husband can take the non-training one with him. Tough if neither like it, they will have to lump it. You need to have some time to yourself to do what YOU want to do.

[squeakytoy]

Also, there must be loads of other mothers whose kids are also playing or training. Do you ever meet them? They must feel in a similar position at times. I reckon you would be able to build a social life of your own around the football that way too.

[Hatesponge]

It does sound like a lot of training - mine have only ever done one midweek with their local teams (DS1 does 2 atm but those are with his school team, so straight after school, and finished by 5pm - his local team training is on sat morning). Even his friends who are academy players only do 2 midweeks.

[Animation]

Maybe you need a word with "super dad" - tell him to calm it. You need some time to yourself - there's no balance here. He'd drive me nuts!

[Hatesponge]

squeakytoy makes a good point - my closest friends locally are all fellow football mums. We all have (or had) DC at the same school, but would never have become friends but for football because none of us are regularly at the school gates. Whilst we did used to watch the matches, we also had a good old natter on the touchline, and bring biscuits and hot chocolate to share . Used to make the chilly winter Sunday mornings pass MUCH more quickly!

[WhatsWrongWithYou]

As I've been reading this I've been itching to say everything Bluebell has said. So what if they don't want to watch their sibling? Why do they have to play so much football? And why does your DH think it's okay for them to play so much, and him to be so involved to the extent that you're left feeling as if you have no life?

Fwiw, my DH coaches DS2's rugby team. DS1 also plays, and has done so for the last 8 years. I could count on one hand the number of times I've turned out on a Sunday morning to watch them play a match, let alone stand on the touchline while they train. They know I have no interest in rugby, and just accept it's one of the things Mum doesn't do. We do have a DD as well, though, so I suppose she's always served as a good excuse.

I think if one parent or another wants to foster an interest in something, good for them, but it doesn't mean the whe family has to sign up for it to the exclusion of all else.
Btw, I believe rugby has a shorter season, and they don't do all this ridiculous excessive training of young children.

You're allowed to say you have no interest in something and don't want to get involved. You're also allowed to tell your DCs they can go and watch each other train, or there's no training for anyone. And your DH needs to be told football is his 'thing' so he's responsible for the DCs' training and not you.
Get yourself a sense of entitlement .

I don't have family support, either, and DH is away a lot, so we've had a minimal social life over the years. My mum isn't old, but we only see her two or three times a year and she's looked after the DCs on about three occasions in 16 years, so I appreciate your need to have time to yourself occasionally.

[jasper]

YANBU
I bloody well hate the way football dominates so many peoples' lives in this country. Even if you hate the game , you can't ignore it . It's at the end of every news bulletin (WHY???) , you can't get from one end of the town to another on match days. Parents feel pressurised to spend about £80 on a strip for their football mad kid and then the team brings out a new one....and another...then an away one...then a halloween one .....then a shrove Tuesday limited edition one....

Your family are an extreme example . Your life is being ruled by their obsession with football, and your poor wee mum is of no female support to you because she is old and frail.

You have my sincere sympathies. Have you sat your dh down and told him how you feel?

[jasper]

If the world cup was playing outside my window I wouldn't open the blinds.

Genius. I agree

[jasper]

So football dominates your family life / spare time SIX days a week? That is really unfair

[chickydoo]

Oh I just want to give you a hug ssd. Not having a Mum who you can share things with, or just chat to is so hard. My Mum is only 70 but is paralized and has dementia after a stroke. You can't always change people but you can change some things.
When you are at home alone with your boys think of something you may be able to do. Would you like to train to do something? you could always do a bit of home study in a different room. I sometimes get a home pedicure, not too pricey if it's just an occasional thing.
Perhaps if you say to your husband that all the football has inspired you to get fit too, and would like to join an evening excercise class.
Perhaps you could find something so your husband could drop you off before football, and pick you up after.
I have one girl and two football mad boys, I don't like football either. My house is a shrine to the not so beautiful game. My boys train on different nights too, but it is me who takes them as DH is at work until late. I love it when he says he can do the occasional training so I get a night in.
I do have to say though If I want to do something and have a bit of spare cash
I just do it.....A happy Mum makes a happy home.
Good luck and lots of love to you

[Unreasonablyfedup]

OP - at least be thankful you still have a mum. Mine died 2 years ago - and I can't even tell her about DC2 due any time now.

You also sound depressed. Suggest you speak to your GP.

[TotemPole]

just to add i can understand posters saying why can't the one who isn't playing tag along with their brother and dad, but that would mean them being out of the house 5 nights a week one trains mon/wed/fri and the other thurs and tue so no homework would ever get done

It doesn't have to be every night. If the one who trains 2 nights goes with them on just one of the other nights, then that can be your night. Each DS is out 3 nights a week out and 2 nights in for homework.

Find something you want to do, an evening class/cheap cinema/book club.

Compromise on watching them on a Saturdays, only go for the important matches.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You have my sympathy. One of DDs grandmothers has passed away and the other lives too far away to help and is a bit useless. It is really hard when you see other people getting the help. I think you need to prioritise some money in the budget for a babysitter for date night. There may be very little room in your budget but I bet there is always room for footie related articles .

[fabanflabby]

I also have no family at all around. My mum died 10 years ago so ive always had to rely on friends and DH. Although Im a nightmare and never ask anyone for help!
I was in the same situation and went through a period of feeling really trapped, stuck indoors and just lost my job. DS was footie mad, In the school football team practicing 3 nights a week and games at weekends. I dragged DD around to practice and games in the wind and rain for moral support. DH and I NEVER did anything together - we just didnt have the time or the cash!
I sat DH down and told him exactly how I felt as I felt I was going to explode.
Now we make an effort to go somewhere once a month together while the kids are at school. He takes a day off and we go to lunch or cinema or jst chat. Sounds pathetic I know but it makes such a difference to have someone to offload on!
Is there anyway you could talk to DH and tell him just how low you are feeling? How old are the kids?
XX

[helibee]

I just wanted to send you a big hug. Also you said that when funds allow your dh and ds's go and watch the football. I think if yiu can't afford a babysitter or time together then the money that would have been spent on football needs to be spent on the two of you doing something together.

[TotemPole]

ssd, when funds allow the three of them go to watch their team and you stay at home, is that what you mean?

On those occasions, I think it would be fair for you to also take the cost of an adult ticket out of the family pot and put it aside. Put it towards either your own interests or save for a night out and baby sitter.

[AlpinePony]

Are you a sahm? Frankly you sound bored senseless with your life and I don't blame you - I'm not going to do a xenia on you ;) - but she's got a point - whatever happened to YOU?

It's still light in the evenings right now, drag the 'spare' out fruit picking to make jam, sloes to make gin. I assume you live in the sticks due to lack of transport. Shanks' pony it is then.

Adult education classes are just about to start, you have a few weeks to choose something, anything! You need to get out of the house and talk to people, 'real' people! ;)

Hopefully your confidence will start to return and you'll start to feel more and more capable and be able to take control of how you want to spend your time.

I'm sure your husband isn't deliberately being an arse, he probably thinks he's helping get the boys 'out of your hair' and if you don't tell him you'd rather watch paint dry then maybe he thinks you're happy with the status quo.

Life can be boring and crappy and suck the life from you with its seemingly never-ending drudgery - but we can steal a snippet or two of fun for ourselves, but you need to take it - don't rely on anyone else to provide your happiness for you.

You are not responsible for homework BTW, if the 3 of them need to take an evening off to do it because mum's out getting pissed at her wine appreciation course with her new friends, so be it! :)

[Robotindisguise]

I know your boys don't have any enthusiasm with the idea of tagging along to watch the other one play - but with you being this miserable, I'd have to say, tough. We all have to do things which wouldn't be our first choice, it'll be a life lesson!

You need to tell (not ask) your DH this is what's going to happen next week as you're off to have your hair cut. Then the next week, you have some errands to run. It'll take a bit of putting your foot down but breaking a pattern is never easy - but you must do it.

As for the babysitting, when someone asks you, you say "yes" but when you ask, they're busy? They're taking the piss. You need to work on your bargaining skills. When someone asks, say yes of course, and actually they can return the favour because you and DH haven't been out for ages, are they free in a month's time? You can work around them to a certain degree because you've told them it's so you can go out for dinner, so you can choose a weekend they're free.

How old are your children?

[timetoask]

I would do this:
Mon: ds1 trains, ds2 comes along, you do something outside the home
Tue: ds2 trains, ds1 goes along, you so something outside the home
Wed: ds1 trains, ds2 with you, you take him swimming do homework read books or whatever
Thurs: ds2 trains, ds1 with you ditto doing something ( not watching tv)
Fri: alternative weeks ds2 goes with ds1 other week stays with you

I can see why you are so upset

[peggyblackett]

It does sound as though the hobby is taking over family life. I'm all for my kids doing sport etc., but if it meant that it impinged massively on family life then it wouldn't be worth it (bit different if you have the next Olympic gold medal swimmer on your hands, but the probability of my offspring being that is 0 :o).

Have you talked to your DH about this? It does sound like balance is missing at the moment. I agree with other posters that sometimes you should miss s match to get some P and Q to yourself. I also think your DH should take both of them along with him sometimes. They may be bored, but hell, so are you by the current arrangements!

Hope you can find some middle ground. Chin up ssd .

[CoteDAzur]

In your place, I would keep the arrangement as it is for week nights, but insist that they all go out for football practice on Saturdays. The one who is not training can read a book.

[CoteDAzur]

The alternative can be going to yoga class with you or coming along to a tea with mum and her friends. You will be surprised how quickly your boys will develop an interest in watching each other play football

[CinnabarRed]

I'm another with no family support, so have every sympathy. My Mum is, frankly, slowly dying of MS at 61 and it's awful to watch.

Is there any reason why the DS who's watching rather than participating in training can't do his homework on the sidelines? I've seen plenty of older siblings doing just that at my DS1's football training, but it's inside.

Have you spoken to your DH? I do think he's being completely unreasonable to allow his interests to dominate your life.

[Gincognito]

Totally agree with Alpine - you need to reclaim yourself. Does your dh know how miserable you are?

You do sound as though you may be depressed. Perhaps now is the time to talk to your GP. Have this conversation before you talk to your dh if you feel he will be unsympathetic (it will show him you're serious).

How about the one who trains only twice a week spends one evening watching his brother play? That way you will have an evening to yourself. If you don't have any transport you'll have to be creative (Alpine had some good suggestions). If the training ground is more central could you hitch a lift and then meet them when they're done?

This is all sound advice HOWEVER you aren't going to be able to make any changes if you are depressed, until you address your depression. It will make everything to hard and sap your will to make changes. Talk to your GP.

[Gincognito]

Goddamn it, too hard.