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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel utterly trapped and pissed off with my life

130 replies

ssd · 26/08/2011 22:19

I don't know if I'm depressed or just really down, I feel so desperate and hopeless and sad

I have a nice family, dh and 2 kids. Dh is very involved with the kids to the point he's like super dad, coaches their sports , volunteers for this, love to watch them play sport( I have 2 boys they and dh are totally football mad). I permanently feel like the odd one out, I have watched them on a Saturday for the past 6 years if possible, I will encourage them to the ends of the earth, but I'm not into football, it is of no interest to me and if mine weren't playing I wouldn't go near. If the world cup was playing outside my window I wouldn't open the blinds. But my boys love it and I'm pleased they have a passion for sport and I encourage them as much as I can. Dh and them love the same team and go to watch when funds allow. I am totally left out, I just don't share their interest, however hard I try.

The boys train at night and play at the weekend, they are 3 years apart and they never train or play together, so someone is always at home with whoever isn't playing at that time. And its always me at home, always. I feel liike a rat in a cage. Dh either coaches them or is involved in some way and of course he's champing at the bit to go and watch them anyway.

I have no family support at all, no one I could leave either child in with whilst I go and do something for me (don't know what is for me anyway now). My mum is mid 80's and there is no one here but me for her, she relies on me for so much and there is no one to share the strain with. I resent her for being so old and so needy, I feel so needy but theres no mum to ask for help, I'm like her mum now and that hurts so much.

I just feel so sad and lonely, i feel theres nothing for me. I can't plan anything as one of us has to be here for whoever's not playing as I said earlier. Me and dh have absolutley no coupe time, we have tried to get a babysitter but costs and the lack of anyone around here has put the ki bosh on that, we never have a night out. I can't organise the boys to go for sleepovers, friends offer then when you get the nerve up to ask they can't help, I have asked the friends who have offered and they are always going out, it doesn't help that everyone I know here has close family who seem to help out all the time.

I just feel so shite and I'm sick of it, if I had any money I'd run away.

OP posts:

ScarlettIsWalking · 27/08/2011 08:54

My lord this obsession with football. It sounds dreadful and excessive. I don't think all that training is good for the boys. But the remaining ds needs to go along and take a magazine . It's not fair on you to have no time whatsoever.

LeninGrad · 27/08/2011 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RosemaryandThyme · 27/08/2011 09:07

Just wondering if both boys are actually particularly good at football?
Maybe an experianced and impartial coach could watch them and the least promising one be made to drop football and take up something that would just be once a week, like scouts, that would have the advantage of no weekend commitment - other than when they take them away camping.
Enthusiastic Dad could volunteer to help out with scouts, they always need people.
Over time both boys might go - with Dad - then you could have a whole weekend to yourself ! (as they get older some camps even last a week!)
The football thing does sound too much of a time commitment for the entire family. Personally I'd give it the boot now.

CinnabarRed · 27/08/2011 10:23

at giving football the boot!

SunRaysthruClouds · 27/08/2011 10:25

Well I think that a lot of women just accept DHs/DSs football obsessions of varying degrees as an unfortunate part of life. Those like your husband love everything about it, and your DCs will end up the same or have already.

If you complain to your DH that it is too much and you need family / you time he will say that he is doing it for the DSs, whereas in fact he is also doing it for himself. So he will say you are beng UR.

There are actually some men in this world who are not interested in football; your DH is the one who needs to change things; the DSs will eventually go with what you jointly decide as parents, and that will start with you telling your DH that it is too much and needs to be rethought so that you feature in the family time as well. Just tell him he is being unreasonable and don't let him wrap it up in terms of 'it's all for the boys' etc.

smallwhitecat · 27/08/2011 10:33

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smallwhitecat · 27/08/2011 10:33

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LaughingGiraffe · 27/08/2011 12:01

I agree with posters that say you need to reclaim you. I have 3 ds and a male dp and it can get a bit overwhelming. However, I think boys benefit from a variety of activities so if you can reduce the training that wouldn't be a bad thing. My eldest ds got really into Glee and musicals, although you never know it to see him with his football mates. I seldom go to football training, although I do go to some matches. Try to talk to your dh your needs are important!

scrambedeggs · 27/08/2011 12:12

presumably the kids go to school, so you have all day to do stuff that you like, find a hobby, do a course, whatever

you could get a babysitter from an agency

football season only runs a certain amount of weeks of the year so they wouldnt be attending every week

LaughingGiraffe · 27/08/2011 12:23

Just for info scrambedeggs, the matches are within the season, but friendlies tournaments and training all year round. We have had two football free weeks this year.

Secrecy · 27/08/2011 12:31

Another vote here for making the child who is not training watch their brother. It doesn't have to be every time - and maybe they could take some homework with them?

Perhaps it would help to explain to your DH that you really, really need an outlet of your own. Then maybe you could work out some sort of compromise together. He may not realise how unhappy you are (maybe my experience is influencing me a bit here since my DH often needs things really spelling out to him )

You've got an opportunity here to make your life better - enjoy and good luck!

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2011 12:40

The problem is that all these solutions mean that the OP is on her own all the time. I thought she wanted some time with her family, all together, or with her husband, not talking about football.

OP, this would drive me crazy. I have no interest in football at all and would leave the room (not in a temper) if people were talking about it for a long time or if they were watching it on the tv.

Is there a gym you could join, where you could make some friends and get fit at the same time? Swimming is great exercise but not so good for meeting people. I agree about the nightclasses - could you do something which involves a lot of discussion?

What about a bookclub? They only tend to be once a month, but there's a chance to make good friends there.

Is it possible for you to spend a weekend away at a friend's? Do you have friends away from your home area that you could spend time with?

applepies · 27/08/2011 12:40

the one who trains twice a week needs to go and watch on one of the days that his brother trains - so both are out 3 times a week and you get one night a week guaranteed to yourself.

also just because they are really into football doesnt mean you canthave a relationship wth them too. maybe you have lost your own self so lost any idea of what to do with them and how to have fun?

I would suggest that one day a week for each boy, when you have him at home you do stuff together that you and he enjoy - will be different for both boys. take him to a coffee shop, out for a pizza, buy chips and watch a video, play on the wii or whatever. This will be special quality time once a week for each boy - they will always remember it.

You CAN build a fun relationship with them but your gonna have to try hard to do it.

worzelswife · 27/08/2011 12:58

As well as what everyone else has suggested I would be asking your DH and boys that one full day a month (or 2, or 3) you all do something together of your choice. Doesn't matter if they aren't interested, you have supported them and it's their turn now.

And unless they are really really talented and looking at football as careers, I would have them each drop a training session. It's too intense.

TheCrackFox · 27/08/2011 13:14

How are you feeling today ssd?

I do understand what you are going through. Dh is a chef and works 5 nights a week (9am-3pm, 5pm-midnight) including pretty much every Saturday and we have no family nearby. I feel like I do everything with my boys, it sucks but there is not much I can do really.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your DH. Your boys need to cut back on the amount of football they do. I might sound heartless here but unless they are very likely to be professional footballers they really do not need to be training that much. Also your boys need to be told that they will be watching their brother training or they don't get to train. Any whining should be met with "you can watch me shoe shopping if you prefer" (insert sterotypical female hobby)

Your DH (he is the root cause here) needs to know exactly how unhappy you are and that you feel excluded from the family with all this football crap.

smallwhitecat · 27/08/2011 13:53

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LaughingGiraffe · 27/08/2011 14:02

Way to make huge generalisations smallwhitecat! But can't stop, am off to make certain sure my sons dont ever amount to anything! Don't forget, 3 boys, don't all train at same time and have other interests.. you really didn't read my posts did you. Glee and musical theatre is massively male of course.

smallwhitecat · 27/08/2011 14:29

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TotemPole · 27/08/2011 14:48

How long would the training be 1 or 2 hours a night? Would that leave time after training for homework?

How old are they? You've been doing this for 6 years and there are 3 years between them. I'm thinking they (at least the eldest) are secondary school age and heading towards GCSEs in the next few years. Do you think they are doing enough school work?

What about Sundays? Could you do something as a family together then?

Marshmallowflump · 27/08/2011 15:24

Honey i think you sound depressed so time to take care of you, either find an interest anything from knittting to walking or just reading, MAKE time for you and your hubby he sounds lovely, if this fails I would suggest you go to the doctor to give you a little something to take the edge off.

Life with kids is tough and great at times , but remember they do grow up and all to quickly and yes you can feel trapped , just be kind to yourself you will get there.

spiderpig8 · 27/08/2011 15:27

Couldn't the boys take their DSs (games consoles not dearest sons! )with them and play them in the car whlist their brother plays.You don't say how old they are, but if they have been playing for +6 years the eldest must be getting to 11 or so, old enbough to be left at home a few hours?

Original poster

ssd · 27/08/2011 19:46

thanks for all answers, this has given me a lot to think about

I think just now my main problem is feeling so alone and isloated without any family support, especially with(out) my mum supporting me, its just been really getting me down recently

I've asked MNHQ to start an elderly parents topic, I feel I need to talk about this with someone in the same position

again thanks for all replies

OP posts:

Animation · 27/08/2011 20:08

Ssd - yes, I can understand that - your need to talk through mum issues.

In the meantime - I'd be interested to know how you're going yo deal with football mad "super dad"?

Original poster

ssd · 27/08/2011 20:55

you know ani, I wouldn't change him for the world!

he's a great dad, he loves his boys to bits and only wants to encourage them

everything he does is for their benefit, he knows only too well in afew years they won't want their old dad hanging around!, so he's spending the time with them now

and yes he is totally football mad, but its how he is, it isn't something I would want to change, he gave up his season ticket when ds2 was born as we couldn't afford, he didn't think twice, he spent his birthday money this year buying a tent to take them camping and give me a break!

I'm lucky to have him actually

OP posts:

FigsAndWine · 27/08/2011 22:24

ssd I'm not one to jump in and shout 'you must be depressed'... but from what you've said here, depression does seem like a likely candidate here; you have a very proactive and involved dad/husband, whom you view in positive terms, and two boys who are very happy with their footie training. I can think of ways that you could still easily have time to do your own thing, yet you don't feel able to do so. I'm absolutely not saying this to be in any way a criticism, but I feel that if you had the will to do it, then you could tweak your personal/family routine to incorporate a bit more for you. You can rearrange that your boy goes to the other's training session (he can sit in the car and do his homework, if necessary); you can miss some weekend matches and go and do stuff for you; you can take up a hobby that you can do at home whilst you are 'in charge' or one son whilst the other is training (even if that's only MNing ). There are things that you can do that will give you more of a sense of individual identity, it's just that it seems that you can't see the woods for the trees at the moment.

There are lots of ways that you can improve things a bit - just by tweaking, not even massive changes. You just need to be able to see them! I hope you can step back a bit and think about some simple ways to emphasise your needs and interests. I think that once you prioritise them, then the rest of your family will fall in with it, as long as you are calm and confident about prioritising your needs.

Good luck!

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