to feel utterly trapped and pissed off with my life

[ssd]

I don't know if I'm depressed or just really down, I feel so desperate and hopeless and sad

I have a nice family, dh and 2 kids. Dh is very involved with the kids to the point he's like super dad, coaches their sports , volunteers for this, love to watch them play sport( I have 2 boys they and dh are totally football mad). I permanently feel like the odd one out, I have watched them on a Saturday for the past 6 years if possible, I will encourage them to the ends of the earth, but I'm not into football, it is of no interest to me and if mine weren't playing I wouldn't go near. If the world cup was playing outside my window I wouldn't open the blinds. But my boys love it and I'm pleased they have a passion for sport and I encourage them as much as I can. Dh and them love the same team and go to watch when funds allow. I am totally left out, I just don't share their interest, however hard I try.

The boys train at night and play at the weekend, they are 3 years apart and they never train or play together, so someone is always at home with whoever isn't playing at that time. And its always me at home, always. I feel liike a rat in a cage. Dh either coaches them or is involved in some way and of course he's champing at the bit to go and watch them anyway.

I have no family support at all, no one I could leave either child in with whilst I go and do something for me (don't know what is for me anyway now). My mum is mid 80's and there is no one here but me for her, she relies on me for so much and there is no one to share the strain with. I resent her for being so old and so needy, I feel so needy but theres no mum to ask for help, I'm like her mum now and that hurts so much.

I just feel so sad and lonely, i feel theres nothing for me. I can't plan anything as one of us has to be here for whoever's not playing as I said earlier. Me and dh have absolutley no coupe time, we have tried to get a babysitter but costs and the lack of anyone around here has put the ki bosh on that, we never have a night out. I can't organise the boys to go for sleepovers, friends offer then when you get the nerve up to ask they can't help, I have asked the friends who have offered and they are always going out, it doesn't help that everyone I know here has close family who seem to help out all the time.

I just feel so shite and I'm sick of it, if I had any money I'd run away.

[OriginalPoster]

Well, I'd just start talking then. People start threads all the time saying, 'thread for people with blah blah...' and then clarify the aim of the thread in the first post, don't they?

Go for it!

[ssd]

original, maybe I will, just dont see whats keeoing them, although i havent a clue how long these things take

after all we have topics on chickens and super furry animals!! so i think one on old folks would come before hamsters....

[Pinot]

I have no advice to add, just wanted to fling my support and empathy into the ring. I'll follow the advice on here too, hopefully.

[OriginalPoster]

Ssd. I'm glad you've arranged a day away. I hope you have a great time. While you're there, fix a date for the next outing, even if it's a long time away.

Keep on badgering for a new topic on elderly relatives, but why not just start talking on the one you're on? There's already a bunch of people who seem to be in the same boat, so just go for it. Then MNHQ will see the need, which will make it all the more likely that you can get a new topic. I know I'm interfering but I know you all want to talk...I'm not in the same boat, as my dad died years ago and my mum is still fit, or I'd go on there and kick it off myself.

Hope the tattoo is not stinging too much .

[ssd]

Hab, we need this topic don't we! Like you I feel I could explode with it all at times. But I must say the support and encouragement I've had on this thread has really moved me!I have arranged a day out with friends and no kids, usually I'd never think to do this, "incase" the family needed me,but its about time I had some treats too!!
and GentleOtter, thanks, but I'm across in the west of Scotland, very kind of you to offer anyway

[Secrecy]

Glad to hear you're feeling more positive ssd - hope things wok out well for you!

[fanjobanjowanjo]

Is there any possibility of moving? It sounds like a major issue is how cut off you are in your current location - it holds you back from doing stuff and meeting people and finding babysitters.

[GentleOtter]

ssd- how I wish that there had been an elderly parents topic a couple of years ago when we were looking after my dad who had dementia plus our new baby.
I think it is an excellent idea and will be useful and supportive to many who look after elderly parents.

If you are near Tayside or Fife, I would be happy to babysit to let you and your dh out for the evening. It is just that you mentioned 'hen' earlier on and that is very Scottish.

[Habanera]

I agree with needing an elderly parents topic. what a good idea!

I just came back from yet another boring "no-cation" visit to elderly (80s)parents with my dds and I could have written your post except instead of football we have other boring, 100% child-centric activities taking over every aspect of what's left of my life. (yep, pretty depressed too!)

Visiting these poor souls in school holidays (we have two sets both very far away and far apart) takes up all our annual leave and holiday budget, and now the kids are at the age where they wonder why we never go anywhere interesting. It also uses up all my energy and patience coping with the dds the rest of the year with no help including from work- and sport-aholic dh.

Well I just wanted to tell someone because if I breathe a word of these feelings, dh tears my head off. And it sounds ungrateful, because it is. Bad person, me. I had a completely unrealistic idea of what having kids would be like, and after starting at 28 and TTC for nearly 10 years before succeeding with much unpleasant medical interference, I missed the fact that the previous generation was now too old to participate like my (age 60ish at the time) grandparents did.

[ssd]

thanks I will

[FigsAndWine]

You're very welcome ssd - I am glad to be of help.

See you have started to make changes already; you're starting a new MN topic, and you've got a night off! I think that it is changing your thinking that is the main hurdle, and you are doing that already. If you can cope yourself, without GP or ADs, then so much the better; maybe you just needed a jump start on this thread? Keep us posted and come back for support when you need it.

[jasper]

[ssd]

hi Figs, life hasn't altered dramatically yet , but my way of thinking has started to change. I'm thinking more about what do I want, rather than what fits in with everyone. I feel more positive about that. I've negotiated this Wed night off for me too, which will help! I feel I don't need to be so bogged down with it all if I just get a bit more selfish!

Also I've asked MNHQ for an elderly parents topic, think that'll be good for a fair few of us here.

I don't know why I don't want to go to the GP's, I kinda feel this is something I need to sort in my head, but I must say the help and advice from you and so many others here has really boyed me up and helped me so much, so a big thanks to you all!

[FigsAndWine]

Do you feel any more positive today OP? Have any of these suggestions given you you will to implement some specific changes?

I hope so.

[ssd]

[OriginalPoster]

In reverse so you can read it in the mirror

[ssd]

I'll tattoo it to my forehead

[OriginalPoster]

I need to learn to be a bit more pro active and not be a martyr

Sounds like a good motto. Stick it on your fridge!

[ssd]

thanks!

I need to learn to be a bit more pro active and not be a martyr

It'll come< i know it will!

[OriginalPoster]

Ssd. Saw your thread asking for a new topic about elderly parents. What a great idea, I'm sure it will help to talk through your feelings with others in similar situations. I'm glad you are taking some steps towards feeling better about things.

[ssd]

thanks i will google that

[marriedinwhite]

I feel for you. You sound alone in a completely male dominated household. I think your DH and your boys need to give you a day off, say, once a month when they drop you at the shops, to a gallery, go off together and pick you up a morning or an afternoon later. I think you need to sit DH down and explain your needs - he's doing what he wants to do - organising footie, involving the boys and watching - you need to do something you want to do too - even if that means some spending money for you occasionally even if it's at the expense of a trip to a football match. Your boys also need to be taught that mum (and women in general) need some treat time and me time too so that they can establish functional relationships later in life. Think too you are also grieving a bit for your mum.

There's a womens organisation about interests in general branches of which sometimes have book groups and babysitting groups as well as social/special interest evenings. It's called the National Women's Register and it may be worth googling to see if there's anything in your area.

Good luck OP - you're doing the hard yards and I hope things look up a bit soon.

[ssd]

thanks so much everyone, some great suggestions and info given to me and so many posters who have really got to the botton of how I'm feeling

am going to read this thread in its entirity tomorrow when I have some time to myself (about 15 mins from finishing work and they boys coming home), so much of it makes a lot of sense to me

[FigsAndWine]

Hi again ssd. As original said, most modern ADs work on neurotransmitters (the chemicals that relay signals between nerves). The most popular class of ADs is the SSRIs; selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. They prevent the serotonin being reabsorbed quite so quickly, meaning that there is more hanging around at the nerve junctions to be useful. However to think that depression is just a serotonin deficiency (to put it in very general terms, serotonin is a 'feel good' chemical) would be very simplistic; ADs mode of action doesn't mean that therefore everyone who is depressed is deficient in serotonin. Also, there are two types of depression; exogenous and endogenous. In exo(means outside)genous depression, the reasons for depression are external; bereavement, job loss etc (fwiw, I think you are undergoing a bereavement process with your mum atm, because she is no longer there in the capacity that you need). In endo(means inside)genous depression, the source of the depression is internal; everything could be absolutely great, yet the person still feels depressed. It's the latter group who are more likely to have the 'chemical imbalance' you'll hear mentioned, and to benefit from ADs.

I don't think that taking ADs makes everything magically ok, nor that they are appropriate in many cases. I don't think it at all useful to take ADs to mask feelings of depression which are actually signalling that you need to make changes to your life. However if you are mired in a pit of inertia, and kind of know what you need to do, but just can't muster what it takes to do it, then I think ADs can just lift you up enough to allow you to get a foothold, iyswim. Ideally of course, you would manage to muster enough to make those changes without taking medication, since all meds have side-effects, and certainly SSRIs do; it can take a long time to find the one that suits you, and you can feel worse before you feel better. I'm really hoping that this thread will give you some ideas and a prod in the right direction, and get you thinking about what you can do to lift yourself up. You can take on board all the suggestions, but you need to be the one to decide what small step to take, and to take it! I think that once you do, you'll feel a lot better. If you can do that without taking ADs, then all the better, but if you are still feeling paralysed and hopeless, do please speak to your GP. And I really think that counselling about your mum would be helpful.

Sorry; long rambling post!

[OriginalPoster]

Why not go and see your GP and tell him how you feel? You don't have to start on antidepressants if you don't want to, you could discuss other options and think about it. They are used to seeing people who are feeling low, so you are not wasting your time.