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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

help and advice

206 replies

FondantFancie · 26/08/2011 11:26

My husband thinks he is entitled to half my child tax credits. We have three children together which we share contact exactly half and half. we have been separated for 3 years now. I have just recently had a new baby so am not working and just claiming the benefits I am entitled to. He is a full time teacher.

He feels that he is entitled to the tax credit money while I do not as he is working. He puts the children into childcare which costs him a lot each month. He claims not to have any money to spend on himself or the children. What should I do?

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 26/08/2011 17:36

But why doesnt she go to work? There is nothing to stop her earnign a wage too? She chooses not to - why should he suffer because of this. It is nothing to do with him that she has a new partner and baby. Should he get half of her new partner's income??

rainbowinthesky · 26/08/2011 17:37

Perhaps he would be happy to pool the incomes but that would include her partner's income too. Somethign tells me the op wouldnt be happy about that.

MumblingRagDoll · 26/08/2011 17:40

rainbow equally.....why should she not be a sahm because he chooses not to be a sahd? he can't take half her income unless he is prepared to give half his too.

OP I assume your current partner does not suport your exes children at all financially?

rainbowinthesky · 26/08/2011 17:44

But he is not asking for anything other than a share of the money she recieves for the children. He's not requestion housing money or the like.
Why should he pay towards her being a sahm for a child that isnt is? She only has his children half of the time so bit pointless him paying towards her staying at home for this.
I dont go along with people beign a sahp if they can only do it because they claim off the state, sorry, especially if the children are school age which I assume these are considering they've been separated for 3 years.

rainbowinthesky · 26/08/2011 17:45

She is, I assume, only a sahm because of her child with a new partner.

CardyMow · 26/08/2011 17:57

Erm...I have this issue with Ex-H, DS1's dad. But we aren't totally 50-50. It's between 40-45% there, 55-60% here. I used to try to give them some money when DS1 is there for a whole week like in holiday times, but some weeks he only has one overnight there, and I pay for all DS1's clothes, school trips, after-school clubs, and 99% of his clothes. Which they then keep to hand down to DS1's stepbrother even though I need them to hand down to DS2. . If I was getting all DS1's clothes back that I'd bought, then I'd still be giving them DS1's 'share' of my TC's when he was there - but they've cost me SO much money in clothing (having to buy brand new for DS2 when I should be able to hand them down) that I no longer offer. Once they stop keeping all the clothing I buy then I will go back to 'sharing' the TC's.

I was too fair for too long, and it was leaving me out of pocket. They NEVER had to buy DS1's stepbrother clothes, because basically I was buying them, and I got sick of it, so in my view, NOT sharing the TC's makes up for that! It's been 8 months now, and they still haven't got the message...

TeddyRuxpin · 26/08/2011 18:01

OP would you be able to change the days you have your dc so that your XH doesn't have to pay for so much Childcare? Still keep the 50/50 arrangement but they stay with you on the days he normally has to pay for childcare?
I feel a lot depends also on who buys what for the children, for example, do you share the cost of clothing etc or does one parent buy most of it?

MiraNova · 26/08/2011 18:11

According to his first post on the TES forum, he has them Sunday to Thursday morning each week and you have them Thursday to Sunday. That means he has them 4 nights a week and you have them 3 nights.

Logically he is the main carer, and just needs to make this clear to the relevant authorities and he may well be able to get ALL the benefits diverted to him.

I think you'd be wise to find an acceptable compromise before he takes that route. As others have suggested, agreeing to each claim for different children would seem to be a fair approach.

glitterkitten · 26/08/2011 18:26

On the TES post it also says she's threatened to cut his time down if he does anything. I've asked if it's true but OP has dodged that so far!

Crabapple99 · 26/08/2011 18:53

I've read both posts. I've been a full time teacher, and also a single parent on benefits. From my experience, I would expect the person on benefits to have the higher income.

OP, you've said you cannot take care of the children during the week because you are 50 minutes from their school. In what way does that prevent you? It seems strange to me that they need any childcare at all, if you are unemployed and at home, and 50 minutes is no further than many of us go to collect our children from school.

If you seriously think this is too far, how did the situation arise that left you too far from your children's school? I understand you may not want to disrupt the 12 year old now, but why was he/she not placed in a secondary school near you a year ago? Will you put the younger children in a secondary school near you when the time comes, so you avoid this situation of children needing childcare while their mother is at home?

rhondajean · 26/08/2011 18:57

Im speechless at this.

If Mira is right then I hope he goes for it, he could get CB and all tax credits.

Tax credits are paid for the expenses of the children. Does this woman have any idea of how much decent childcare costs?

She hasnt said if her new partner lives with her and shares the costs of the house. If he does thats even worse.

She also seems to think that the tax credits are paid to her to spend. They are for the childrens expenses. She doesnt work therefore there is no childcare element - its assumed that as she doesnt work she is capable of looking after her children (you can still claim childcare element if you dont work but are unwell). And if she wants to keep all the money, Id suggest its fair for her to start doing so and not expect him to pay that amount of a teachers salary - its hardly like hes a banker!! (haha)

TeddyRuxpin · 26/08/2011 19:26

I've just read the other posts on TES and it seems that the OP has a fairly good lifestyle-holidays etc while her XH is struggling to make ends meet and the children are suffering as a result and asking why he can't afford to do stuff with them and their mum can.
Judging the situation purely on reading both posts, he seems like a really decent guy and trying to do the best for his children with the OP making it as difficult as possible for him.

MumblingRagDoll · 26/08/2011 19:44

If he has them 4 nights then he s the main carer....it seems the OP is the part time parent...the childrens school is closer to their Dads home too which seems to give things more weight from his pov. Sorry OP but YABU. He is the main carer and the money should be his.

whostolemyname · 26/08/2011 21:32

I cant believe you are still asking "am i that wrong?" Read all the replies you have! Yes you ARE wrong!

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 27/08/2011 09:20

I bet you wish you hadn't started this thread, OP - especially in AIBU ?
In my experience MN can be a harsh community when everyone gets their judgey pants on and gangs up together, especially on an unsuspecting OP.
As I've said I think this one is much more debatable than the thread suggests - OK so maybe you look after the DC's 50/50, possibly a case to be made for splitting the tax credits too, but as you said, OP, they are paid to you for your DC's so I reckon it's your call, and fair enough to keep them if he has a reasonable other income.

NestaFiesta · 27/08/2011 10:21

OP YABU. If your DCs are with their Dad 4/7th of the time, you should give him 4/7ths of the CTC.

He is working hard and single and has less money than you. You are not working, have a boyfriend who works and are financially better off than your ex. YOU chose to move 30 miles from your kids, not him. Do you honestly in your heart of hearts think its fair that he struggles while you don't? That your children can't have treats when they're with him?

Also, you should be bloody glad he loves his kids so much. Many women would give their left arm for their DC's Dad to be so involved in their lives instead of having to makes excuses to them for a Dad that doesn't want to know.

Popple · 27/08/2011 12:24

Apologies if this has been said - I haven't read all of the replies.

The tax credits are yours because they are worked out using your salary. If they were worked out by looking at you as a couple then you would get much less. He will be paying less child maintenance because of the 50/50 care so is effectively 'saving' money there.

There could be an issue with him claiming childcare vouchers as these and tax credits should not both be claimed, although this may not be the case in separated couples.

OP, you've been really harshly judged here and accused of selfishness. I don't think you are selfish at all and I hope you don't take other posters rude comments to heart.

Popple · 27/08/2011 12:32

Mm, OK...have just seen the extra info. I think you are lucky you got in with the claim first. He should be claiming maintenance from you! Has he tried this?

pickgo · 27/08/2011 12:34

Oh FFS so many ignorant poncey McPonceys self-righteous twats on here.

He cannot claim TC because he earns too much. ergo he earns over the the TC threshold, whereas OP's income is obviously significantly under the TC threshold.

So, no absolutely not OP. Do not give him a penny - he's got loads more than you to begin with. Fact is if he can't afford childcare then he'll have to give up his job or go part-time like the rest of us do (including OP). Boo hoo.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 27/08/2011 12:37

But the OP isn't earning any money - she said that. Surely
the credits are coming from his salary alone?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2011 12:39

He deserves the percentage of tax credits for the time that he's looking after the children. What's not fair about that? OP... you said that he's short of money, there are many people working who find themselves in the same boat, they earn but they also have to pay.

Your new baby is of no consequence to him but his children are and if I were him, I would be seeking the proportion of money due to maintain your children when he has them.

You do sound selfish... it's not about you, it's about your children and what's best for them. The money is not for you at all, it's for your chilren.

tabulahrasa · 27/08/2011 12:42

I very much doubt he's over the threshold for tax credits,it's about £40 thousand.

If he has them 4 nights, he's the main carer and it should be based on his income anyway.

pickgo · 27/08/2011 12:46

See that's what I mean - more bloody ignorance. Have you ever claimed any bloody benefit ever?

You can't claim TC on your separated partner's salary.
The TC's are paid only to the claimee - NO ONE ELSE is entitled to them. They have to claim their own and if they don't get them it's because they earn too much
OP is not selfish or she wouldn't be on here asking about it would she?

Get told.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2011 12:49

They're not for the claimee, they're for the children. The parent taking care of the children has them to provide for them. That parent is not the same one for the whole week.

Slow enough for you?

tabulahrasa · 27/08/2011 12:53

If he has them 4 nights a week, he's the main carer.

He should be claiming tax credits based on his income, unless he's a head teacher he is not likely to be over the threshold for children's tax credits.

If the op is claiming child benefit and tax credits for children that she is not the main carer for and because of this the main carer can't claim them - how is that not selfish?

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