AIBU to demand my BIL allows me to move into his house?

[creamola]

(Long but background required to set scenario.)

I have posted before about my sister who has depresssion following hysterectomy and has turned to alcohol to cope.

She is now in a complete and utter mess.

Last week I discovered that BIL and niece had gone off on holiday and was able to get access to the house and bring my sister down to my house.

She is unrecognisable, filthy skin, hair and clothes, face broken out in red spotty blotches (looks like a drunk street person)

Her bedroom is beyond disgusting.........it's filthy, full of empty bottles, old food, rubbish everywhere and stinks (not smells, stinks )

I had a long phone conversation yesterday with BIL to try and arrange a family meeting to see what idea's we could come up with to help and he's not interested.

More or less he's said myself, my son and my ex-husband (who helped me with her last week) can do what ever we want but he's not interested in being involved ......he's had enough and doesn't want to know??

I can't get her to move into mine so I'm considering insisting that I move into their house for maybe a month to see if I can get through to her and help her.

I know he won't go for it so wonder if it's unreasonable to just move in and refuse to leave due to him refusing to help her?

thanks again for all the responses yesterday.

meeting with gp went well......so hopefully he is going to chase up the referrals that she has already had and see if she can be seen any quicker, which can only be a good thing.

My exh and my son are going to take BIL out tomorrow to see if he will open up and explain we are all concerned about both of them and ask if he needs any help too

Glad it went well

Don't move in if it's not what your BIL wants. It won't help your sister If you start having rows with your BIL. I'm sure he's not just waiting for her to die. He's probably just scared and feels that he can't help her anymore. Just be there for both of them and make sure those waiting lists are chased up. Also don't forget your niece. Even if she is 20 she's probably still worried about her Mum.

I'm glad it went well and I think that your ex and son talking to BIL is a really good idea. I understand why you might feel angry towards him but he could well be struggling to cope especially if your sister was always the strong one. Based on what I saw with my DB and exSIL its virtually impossible to make an adult take basic care of themselves if they don't want to or are unable to do so.

I hope your sister gets the professional help she needs as soon as possible as she appears to have been badly let down by the medical profession so far.

Creamiola you are a top sister.
If I ever end up like your sister , I sincerely hope MY sister would move in with me to try to sort me out . She would be far far better than my husband at helping me.

thanks Jasper

I'm going with a made up approach at the moment.......I'm trying to re-jigg her memory back into a time she was happier and didn't drink.

I have noticed she isn't interested in most conversations (or just to spaced out to talk) but when I start talking about our childhood and my mum and dad (sadly both no longer with us) she perks up and actually smiles and starts talking.

She is also talking about how she doesn't want to be the way she is.

So together we are making a plan. I know that might sound nuts but it seems to be helping.

Step one on our plan was to see the gp which we did yesterday (I insisted to get an appointment with our 'old' family doctor as he knows our family well and she trusts him)

Step two on our plan is to sort out her bedroom.....iv'e been asking her to look at what new bedlinen she might like and what flowers she might like in her room...I didn't want to say your bedroom is disgusting and the smell is awful ..so I'm trying to approach it as a make -over ??

I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing or not but I'm not going to give up on her

Creamola,
My sis is also an alcoholic. She hit rock bottom and moved in with my parents at the age of 46 as she simply couldn't cope on her own from day to day.

Despite the death of my dear dad last year my sis has managed to stop drinking, with the help of AA.

There is hope.

You're a brilliant sister, and when your sister is ready to get better the love that you've shown her will help her be strong.

Creamola what a thoughtful , kind and practical person you are. Of course it's true as others have said that the addict has to WANT to get better , nonone can make them , but it sounds like your sis does want to get better , and your love and practical assistance is showing her there IS another way to live. I admire you , I really do x

Hi, I just wanted to echo what Angel said earlier. I have very personal experience of this, with my mum, not a sister in my case. Full hysterectomy led to depression, which led to suicide attempts, then alcoholism. My mother was eventually given hours to live as her liver was so scarred, but by some miracle she survived, turned her life around and has been sober (and fabulous) for six years.

My parents and I really struggled through all this. My father hit my mother twice, and while I was furious with him and dealt with him myself, in all honestly, I understand. There were (many, many) days when I don't know how I kept my hands off her. We both cajoled, threatened, persuaded, shouted, begged, screamed and cleaned up after my mother, both practically and emotionally. Nothing worked. Absolutely nothing.

I am sure had my mother had any family, they would have been shocked by our tactics and wanted to step in, but frankly unless you live with it 24/7, you have no idea. I don't mean that to be awful, but even extended visits are not the same. I really feel for all of you, but particularly your sister, BIL and their daughter. Their lives are being ripped apart, and regardless of what you think, he had stuck with her, lived through it and done his best. No-one without experience of this can condemn the people involved here as you cannot possibly imagine what it is like. It is like a nightmare that never ends, changing your whole reality, even if you aren't the alcoholic.

I have no words of advice really, as only the alcoholic can begin to sort out their lives, often with professional help. I really hope your sister manages it. I know it is hard for you to observe this situation, but try not to turn on your BIL. Try to help your sister and accept that he is going through something you hopefully will never have to live with. As I said, as awful as your experience of this is, his is fifty times worse, in some ways even worse than your sister. Your sister can blot out some of her life, her husband and daughter can't. There is hope, and I really hope everything works out for your sister and your wider family, but you cannot fix this, or even make it substantially better, no matter what you believe. Try by all means, but you won't have been the first to try and help, and probably won't be the last. Hope for success but prepare for failure.

Chin up.

familyguyfan ..............that makes huge amounts of sense .

Your own situation must have been hard to deal with

she is not an alcoholic .......well she is but that isn't the cause of her problems ...she feel into depression following the hysterectomy

Thank you for sharing your expeirence of this with me