AIBU to demand my BIL allows me to move into his house?

[creamola]

(Long but background required to set scenario.)

I have posted before about my sister who has depresssion following hysterectomy and has turned to alcohol to cope.

She is now in a complete and utter mess.

Last week I discovered that BIL and niece had gone off on holiday and was able to get access to the house and bring my sister down to my house.

She is unrecognisable, filthy skin, hair and clothes, face broken out in red spotty blotches (looks like a drunk street person)

Her bedroom is beyond disgusting.........it's filthy, full of empty bottles, old food, rubbish everywhere and stinks (not smells, stinks )

I had a long phone conversation yesterday with BIL to try and arrange a family meeting to see what idea's we could come up with to help and he's not interested.

More or less he's said myself, my son and my ex-husband (who helped me with her last week) can do what ever we want but he's not interested in being involved ......he's had enough and doesn't want to know??

I can't get her to move into mine so I'm considering insisting that I move into their house for maybe a month to see if I can get through to her and help her.

I know he won't go for it so wonder if it's unreasonable to just move in and refuse to leave due to him refusing to help her?

They do though. Its called the real world.

creamola I appreciate you are just venting, but this situation seems to be more and more about how much you hate your BIL (and always have done). I'd implore you not to let that cloud your judgement about what's best for your sister. Is there any other family member or friend who can help out, mediate?

Oh sorry, just seen that the GP appointment is booked. Good luck.

When your 'old' doctor sees your sister please make it clear that her depression and her drinking began AFTER her hysterectomy and that it is your belief that her problems have a PHYSICAL cause that can be remedied by hormone replacement therapy that suits her and a short course of fast acting anti-depressants until HRT kicks in.

Keep SHOUTING this fact from the rooftop because once your sister is labelled as a long-term depressive alcoholic she will, effectively, be written off by the medical profession.

With regard to your BIL, you're best advised not to mention your intentions regarding POA in your favour again - if your sister gets the proper medical treatment that is her right and which she deserves, it's probable that she will undergo a radical transformation in a relatively short space of time and such steps will be unnecessary.

Should you intend to consult a solicitor on your sister's behalf, choose one who specialises in medical negligence cases - please pm me with the general location (closest town/city) of your sister's home if you experience any difficulty.

creamola, I am sorry but the more you post, the more I think you need to let the proffesionals take over

you are already making things worse

threatening BIL you will get POA (you probably won't) which then gave him the idea to threaten your sister with him doing it

can't you see ?

you are like a bull in a china shop

your intentions are good...but you don't have the necessary experience to deal with the situation

why do you think the people trained in this area take so long to gain any qualifications in it ?

you are too close, and too emotionally-involved

any professional in the area of MH and problem drinking will tell you that

[shocked] that people are saying a)wozzums BIL and b)butt out. What's going to happen if she doesn't try to intervene? Think about that.

So far the professionals have apparently managed do by themselves is to whip out her womb and precipitate the whole situation, as the ever-wise izzy notes sis needs a strong advocate to ensure she is treated and gets ALL the pro help she so desperately requires. Will BIL do that? Will he fuck, he has said as much. All he wants is her out of her own house and control over her money.

And you seriously suggesting the OP sits on her heels as the depression and alcohol do more damage, while the BIL neglects and abuses her and takes over her assets? V, v helpful

AnyFucker, if you'd read the OP's previous post, I'm sure you'd see that this not an atypical MH/problem drinking thread.

IMO the OP's sister's problems have been caused by 'the professionals' and inadequate post-operative care.

The OP's sister is in no position to fight her own corner and her dh clearly has his own agenda for not advocating on her behalf.

If the OP does not take it upon herself to do everything in her power to get her sister the medical help she urgently needs, it could be that her sister may, in the not too distant future, become another statistic in the roll-call of medical negligence.

miniwedge yeap I've think we got that covered today.

He phoned my sis back and also asked 'are you happy for creamola to be involved in this etc etc'

We are both meeting with the Dr , I think he will get her to formally sign her consent at the appointment?

I'm not looking for power of attorney againest her wishes........she thinks that's a good idea but still only a small bud of idea , it might come to nothing

Mitmoo whosegotmyeyebrows I'm glad you had support with your OCD, it can be a long road back and how we as the family react can have a huge impact on the OCD sufferers recovery. I truly hope you've made it.

Why thank you Mitmoo! My OCD was at the same time as depression and anxiety (severe anxiety), well I suppose the OCD was causing the anxiety as well as the anxiety causing the OCD and the whole lot being made worse by the depression. All this was triggered off by grieving a loved one. I do feel as though I have made it but just like an addiction I feel that I will always be at risk of a relapse. I have to stay strong and on top of things. My DH was brilliant, he made mistakes of course but he was always there.

izzy, I didn't mean the previous "professionals" cackhanded management of her sister's health

if you read my first post on this thread, I advised that she speak to her sister's GP and requested an urgent MH assessment and involvement of a substance abuse team

so, yes, advocate on her sisters behalf, but take advice first before rushing in and making the situation worse

which is already happening, according to her posts (which, yes, I have read them all)

BIL now has ideas he didn't even have before (the POA) thing

creamola...wait for guidance before you rush in, that is all I am saying

guidance from the people who deal with this day in/day out

yusmylady ............I have never hated my BIL .I don't hate him now

he has always been part of the family and my sister and the rest of us have been part of his ....I'm angry and annoyed with him right now but those are new emotions .

the only post of OP's I didn't read is the one that cross posted with mine at 15:11

sounds like things are moving in a better direction wrt the joint meeting with sis's GP

anyfucker ............where are they then ?

I have phoned social work departments ...and got told there is nothing they can do

I've phoned her gp about six times and now thankfully have been able to arrange for a doctor she has known and trusted since childhood to give us a house visit tomorrow.

I have phoned the local cpn's / mental health teams .......

about 7 different alcohol support groups and the answer is always the same

'we will help if you get her to phone and book an appointment and come into the office'

she can't even put her fucking shoes on........she has no idea of where she is at points....how is she expected to coherently book an appointment and travel to see them ??????

I certainly wasn't directing any criticism at you AnyFucker - this, and the OP's earlier post made me, unusually for this site, feel extremely angry at the lack of care her sister has received at the hands of a series of professionals including her own GP.

The OP's sister needs an urgent PHYSICAL examination to determine what hrt would be most appropriate for her. Once her PHYSICAL condition has been treated, attention should be given to weaning her off the alcohol that she has been using to self-medicate - but I suspect that once hrt kicks in, she may not need the crutch of the demon booze.

You have started off the process, creamola, you can do no more than that

Like any alcohol support group, unfortunately unless the sufferer asks for help, there is little they can do

if her mental state is that poor, the visit with the GP will pick up on that especially since it is a joint one and she can no longer fob people off by saying she is coping (when she clearly isn't)

What has made me see red on behalf of the OP's sister, is that there was no need for this once (and not so very long ago) proud woman's mental and physical health to have deteriorated in the manner it has done - IT WAS PREVENTABLE ffs and can be speedily remedied IF the precious professionals involved in her care get off their arses, start engaging in joined-up thinking, and do the jobs they're well paid for.

You will need to supply the relevant forms for POA creamola - a simple verbal or signed consent by your sister to a doctor will not cut it in law.

"she can't even put her fucking shoes on........she has no idea of where she is at points....how is she expected to coherently book an appointment and travel to see them ??????"

Is she like this when sober or just when drinking?

claw3 when she is more sober she still sounds 'different' I think she has had a total breakdown.. (I don't know what the correct terminolgy is?)

However what the professionals see is 'just another drunk women' and it's been proving hard to get any of them to acknowledge the alcohol is masking the true issues

izzy would it be ok for me to message you to discuss the possible medical negligence ?

Creamola, I have a SiL who sounds the exact same as your sister, eventually my BiL left her. She was a professional who worked from home and had a fantastic client pool and was envied by many in her field of work. She also has many childhood issues that will never be resolved.
My SiL's home is disgusting she has no concept of day and night and her GP is beyond useless.

Some people will never accept they have a problem.

Eventually my brother left her!

I see you have booked a home visit from GP, are you hoping to have her sectioned?

We tried to have my dad sectioned, but it proved impossible because when he was more sober, as you put it, i dont think there was ever a time when he was totally dried out, he was capable of 'rational' thought.

Does your GP have training or experience of mental health issues, many dont?

Of course it would, creamola. I'll look forward to hearing from you.

Ever-wise honey? I wish!!

Why thank you Mitmoo! My OCD was at the same time as depression and anxiety (severe anxiety)

Makes perfect sense OCD is all about anxiety, if it does raise it's ugly head again, you will be stronger and you'll recognise the signs and have more skills to cope. That's what my son's consultant tells me and so far she has never let us down.

Mitmoo Yeah occassionally I see it coming and I bat it away with this massive invisible tennis racket that I carry around in my back pocket.