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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to demand my BIL allows me to move into his house?

135 replies

creamola · 23/08/2011 10:58

(Long but background required to set scenario.)

I have posted before about my sister who has depresssion following hysterectomy and has turned to alcohol to cope.

She is now in a complete and utter mess.

Last week I discovered that BIL and niece had gone off on holiday and was able to get access to the house and bring my sister down to my house.

She is unrecognisable, filthy skin, hair and clothes, face broken out in red spotty blotches (looks like a drunk street person)

Her bedroom is beyond disgusting.........it's filthy, full of empty bottles, old food, rubbish everywhere and stinks (not smells, stinks )

I had a long phone conversation yesterday with BIL to try and arrange a family meeting to see what idea's we could come up with to help and he's not interested.

More or less he's said myself, my son and my ex-husband (who helped me with her last week) can do what ever we want but he's not interested in being involved ......he's had enough and doesn't want to know??

I can't get her to move into mine so I'm considering insisting that I move into their house for maybe a month to see if I can get through to her and help her.

I know he won't go for it so wonder if it's unreasonable to just move in and refuse to leave due to him refusing to help her?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 23/08/2011 23:33

I dont see any childcare in the OPs posts. The daughter is an adult who doesnt live there. Though that begs the question as to why SHE isnt trying to do something to help her own mother.

Are you sure the BIL will say no to you moving in? Maybe if he gets back and sees that you are helping, he will realise that he needs you to be there to get this sorted out before she does drink herself to death.

I am not sure why you are getting such a hard time from other posters because if it were my sister in this state, I think I would be very concerned about her too. :(

Kayano · 23/08/2011 23:35

BIL has their DD with him. Even if she is 20 does it not stand to reason if her mother is in a bit of a state he is doing most of the parenting/ emotional support for their child?

Childcare does not just = looking after toddlers

squeakytoy · 23/08/2011 23:36

kayano She doesnt live with them, he has just sodded off on holiday with her.

Kayano · 23/08/2011 23:39

Again... Just cos she doesn't live with them does not mean she will not be in need of emotional support at this very stressful time. And BIL will probs be the one giving it to her. Does no one get what I'm trying to say?

It's still not Ops place to move herself into that house as this will only put MORE pressure on BIL

Desiderata · 23/08/2011 23:40

You certainly don't need professionals in. What do they know?

Cream, your sister is deciding to kill herself, and believe me, there is nothing you can do about that.

You can only hope that she has a change of heart.

The most important thing is that you don't blame yourself. It seems to me that you are doing more than most people would ... so disregarding the outcome, your conscience, God willing, will be clear.

Don't be too hard on her DH. Only a saint can live with an alcoholic .. and they are so few in number that we know all their names.

ImperialBlether · 23/08/2011 23:41

I don't think you should move in. You should arrange a meeting with him and talk calmly about what should be done now.

Your sister clearly needs the help of experts. Yes, you could go in and clean up a bit - it sounds as though that's badly needed. Her husband sounds as though he's been coping for a long, long time with her and has had enough. Their daughter sounds the same. That makes it sound as though it's gone on a lot longer than you knew about.

If your BIL isn't open to suggestions (though I can't see why he wouldn't be) I think you should go to her GP and talk openly to him/her about her. That would be the starting point.

If you go in and clear up, they are getting a false idea of her state of mind, so don't do that until you've seen the doctor.

squeakytoy · 23/08/2011 23:42

No kayano, I dont get it. At 20 she is an adult, not a child. She should be capable of trying to help her mother, not avoiding the issue by going on holiday with her father.

BIL should be helping his wife, not abandoning her. Or at least if he cant cope, he should be trying to get help for her, not just leaving her on her own with no support.

Xales · 23/08/2011 23:44

I get what you are saying kayano. The BIL is probably trying to do his best to support his daughter as they watch her mother and his wife kill herself through drink which is a very selfish illness.

Being 20 and living away is no protection from that.

That and going away does not make him a bad person just one who cannot see what more he can do.

Original poster

creamola · 23/08/2011 23:49

Yeah I would join team fabby too Kayno if I was the boot was on the other foot and it wasn't my sister .

Of course I would ......that is the logical and responsible approach. However having spent 3 hours tonight on the phone with the pair of them I'm starting to lose whatever empathy I had with him....

My priority is my sister, my sister's health ...........and if be moving in upsets my brother in law tough fucking titties

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 23/08/2011 23:50

I could understand the BIL and daughters actions if this was a long term thing, but if I remember the OPs previous thread, the sister was virtually teetotal up until her operation a couple of years ago.

Kayano · 23/08/2011 23:50

Squeaky... I am 26 and if it was my mum and I had tried everything in my power to get her to stop drinking to no avail, I would be devastated. Being older is no protection what so ever from the trauma of a loved one with an addiction.

I would struggle not to have a breakdown and feel she just didn't care about me enough to stop. Now I'm not saying ops sister doesn't care, but that might be how both DD and BIL feel. A few days away does not a bad or unloving relative make.

But if you feel once you hit 18 or older you no longer have any emotional investment but just crack on with your practical persona... You go on thinking that

cottonreels · 23/08/2011 23:54

If it were my sister, and she agreed to my moving in to help her, Id do it.
Id clean up the room and get her bathed straightaway too, but talk to her about how she's reached the bottom, that youre going to take some photos (to show the docs) and that they'll be a reminder of how shes improving [hopeful].
Disclaimer:I have no experience of this whatsoever.
You sound like a lovely sister - best of luck getting things sorted.

Desiderata · 23/08/2011 23:57

Nice post, Kay.

I am impressed.

allnightlong · 23/08/2011 23:59

Creamola If it was my sister I'd be feeling and behaving just as you so I'm going with YANBU.
It's easy to sit behind a computer screen and be all rational and calm dolling out advice on the 'law' and family boundries but it's so fucking different to actually how most would be reracting in real life!

If it's your sisters house and she is the sole owner, and she wants you there I doubt he can do anything about it legally.

Bit of advice thought it would be best if you got your sister out of her house for awhile, the reason being that she wants to be at hers and not yours because the shop across the road from hers makes it much easire to obtain drink quick.

clappyhands · 24/08/2011 00:02

hi creamola

really feel for you, it's not an easy situation

but......

does your sister want to stop drinking?

allnightlong · 24/08/2011 00:03

Something else this whole 'the addict can only help themselves' is only partly true, someone helping them along the path and reminding what sober life can be like, giving them something to live for is just as important. It's what makes many of them want to help themselves.

Xales · 24/08/2011 00:07

I agree with allnighlong your sister wants to be at her house for the easy access to the booze store.

Your sister does not want to move to yours and accept your help.

Your sister needs proper help from people who deal with depression and alcoholism.

Xales · 24/08/2011 00:10

Also please check as I am not sure but seem to recall that suddenly taking alcohol away can be very dangerous if not fatal?

Prepared to be corrected on that if I am wrong.

Original poster

creamola · 24/08/2011 00:18

thank you squeakytoy ......it's nice to know that someone here saw my first post about my sister and knows what I'm on about

She was indeed teetotal then she had to have a hystorectmy (sp?) for medical reasons which brought on a huge depression.

She stuggled for a year trying the 'solutions' that were offered by professionals but still felt empty and turned to drink

I have discovered only this week that if you had post natal depression (which my sister had in a huge way .....she didnt believe the baby was hers and wanted to jump out a window to ill herself)

can be re-triggered by instant menopause ........which is what the hystorectmy effectively did

clappyhands yes she does want to stop drinking

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 00:26

whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck

and I hope your sis can get well again

Original poster

creamola · 24/08/2011 00:32

cheers anyfucker ............so do I

is there a thread on this forum that people with family members with addictions can talk with each other?

I searched earlier but couldn't find one however you appear to be a long term member and seasoned user

so if there is a more relevant section i should be posting in I'd appreciate your advice.............or anyone elses who reads this post

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 00:34

yes, cream, I am sure there is such a thread

one jiffy...

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 00:35

here

Bogeyface · 24/08/2011 00:41

If she had a radical hysterectomy that took her ovaries aswell, then isnt she on HRT? My friend had a hysterectomy last year (at only 30 :( ) and she is on HRT to prevent menopause, or atleast full menopause. She is still having some symptoms but since her levels were adjusted she seems to be doing ok.

She should be on HRT so you need to check that she is actually using or being given (by BIL I assume) her medication as that may help. If she isnt then you need to find out why, but I find it hard to believe that she hasnt been prescribed it.

And I am going against the majority here, but i dont see how you moving in can make things worse. She is already as low as she can go if her personal care is out of the window and she is killing herself with drink. It sounds like your BIL was fine when everything was good and she was the coper, but when she needed him he couldnt cope and left her to it. She clearly needs someone to be there for her and it isnt him so why not you? She may not be just grieving the loss of her womb but also the death of her marriage, because a man who has happily told you that she can die in her own filth will probably have told her far worse. Having someone there who loves and supports her may be what she needs. As I said, it cant really make things worse can it? And if push comes to shove and your BIL does kick off then take her home with you if you can.

Regardless of what happened, atleast you will know that you tried.

Good luck x

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/08/2011 00:44

OP, before you move anywhere, contact Al Anon. They are an organisation that helps the family of addicts. They will listen, help you look at your motives for moving in and offer advice.

Good luck.

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