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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed by people complaining about the "intensity" of the summer holidays

158 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 22/08/2011 11:39

Met some friends yesterday, they are both SAHMs, I work 3 days a week in fairly high pressure job and my DDs are in nursery (private nursery so no summer holiday).

They were both complaining about how the summer holidays had seemed so long and it was so intense looking after the children for that length of time and find things to do and how their children were getting bored now.

All our DC1s are due to start reception in September.

Both patronisingly said to me "you don't realise at the moment but you will do once your DD1 is at school how long and intense the summer holidays are", to which I was like "Well sadly I will still have to work in the summer holidays so won't have the benefit of spending all that time with my DDs"

WTF...I would LOVE to have the whole summer off with my DDs, oh the poor things having to spend the summer finding things to do with their children...

AIBU?

OP posts:
GattoRosso · 22/08/2011 15:35

I think YANBU to be annoyed. It is likely that they didn't mean anything personal by it, but it felt personal to you, which is why you feel annoyed.

I felt like this when my first friend to have a DC pretty much said to me "oh you couldn't possibly understand as you are not a mother". Now I wasn't /am not a mother yet, but how patronising to be told I couldn't understand! I may not have gone through it myself, but I do think I am capable of a certain amount of empathy and understanding! I was seriously sticking my middle finger up at her for that (er, in my head Blush)

So I would have been annoyed too in your position, but try not to take it to heart, and know that they don't fully appreciate what it is like to be in your position too as a working mum.

lililolo · 22/08/2011 18:37

GattoRosso,

I remember someone saying similar to me when I was ttc2l, and I was very very very very very f*cked off. But actually there are some things that you don't fully understand until you're doing it yourself FT. Like loving your kids more than anything but them driving you nuts at times and wondering if the reason they are driving you nuts is because you have already screwed them up in some way! You're right that you can empathise, but it is an emotion I've never felt before I was a mum, your friend was tactless, but I can understand what she means!

In terms of the OP, I've been thinking about it more as the day has gone on and actually, if I had someone swooping up all the mess after DD and I, I would probably find the holidays blissful. What I find hard is the balance of getting the housework done, not letting her get too bored, giving her some downtime and getting us both out socialising. It's tough!! Before anyone says that WP have to do housework as well, don't forget that I know the difference between being at home for most of the day and when the house is empty (ie. we go out all day) and there is about a million times more housework when we stay home!

Also, the couple of hours that DD was at nursery didn't give me 'me-time' as such. It gave me time to get cleared up, hoovered, washing done, supermarket shop done etc. and it was GREAT being able to do that without being interrupted with demands every few minutes. Bit like when you sit at your desk for a couple of hours in a day packed with meetings, you have to carry on doing activities, but you can get your head together!

Saying all that, I chose to be a SAHM, and I do like it on the whole. I'm definitely not counting down the days to the end of the wholes. They just are 'intense', that's all. Doesn't mean I'd swap it for another arrangement!

SiamoFottuti · 22/08/2011 21:56

"No idea, some people. Don't have kids if you don't want to look after them yourself."

This comment is extremely twattish.

2shoes · 22/08/2011 21:58

yabu
but i would say that as I have nearly 2 weeks left of 6 weeks with dd, much as I love her, it is BLOODY hardwork....an yes I am a SAHm

disclaimer she is 16 and disabled, but I have to moan sometimes

Hulababy · 22/08/2011 21:58

I love the school holidays They are just not long enough. Love the flexibility of them, no routines, doing what we want and when we want. I only have 5.5 weeks this year - DD a week and a bit longer. Cam't believe how quick they've goe and only a week or so left :(

Sofabitch · 22/08/2011 22:05

I find it a pita. Because I work 3 days a week and sorting childcare etc is stressful and eats all my spare money in the summer hols (mostly because I'm shit at budgeting ) so I'm always skint on my days off and the kids do get bored. But I do love laying in and the relaxed nature of the days. But I would rather more shorter breaks.

Sidge · 22/08/2011 22:05

Well much as I love my girls, and love having that extra time with them, it's bloody hard work.

I work part time and through the summer holidays go to work for a rest!

I have 3 girls 12, 7 and 4. They all have very different needs and keeping all 3 happy every day for 6-8 weeks is exhausting, especially if you don't have loads of spare cash and the weather is shite.

MrsGravy · 22/08/2011 22:07

I think there IS a distinct lack of empathy in all the 'I love the school holidays therefore anyone who doesn't is a bad parent who doesn't want to spend time with their kids' type comments. I am a SAHM to a 1, 4 and 6 year old who, to my own amazement, has thoroughly enjoyed the holidays. My big 2 have been remarkably well behaved, have been great on days out but equally happy to chill out at home. But I can totally empathise with people who have struggled, not all kids are as wonderful as mine get along with their siblings or are happy to just play by themselves or sleep in during the holidays. Not everyone has the money to just take the kids out when it's a nice day. The lack of routine can really throw kids and parents alike. It's not a difficult concept to empathise with is it??

Marne · 22/08/2011 22:08

I love the summer holidays and i'm pleased i get to spend them with the dd's but it is hard work, i have had 5 weeks of not having any time away from the dd's and at times i wish i could go to work for a few hours (but sadly its hard to find work when you have 2 dd's with Autism and weekly hospital appointments). I think i would feel very Sad if i missed out on most of the summer holidays having to work, kids are only young for a short time so i am making the most of them wanting to spend time with me.

Sounds like you have the best of both worlds, you get to spend 4 days a week being a mum and 3 days working (with adult company which i so miss).

thefirstMrsDeVere · 22/08/2011 22:24

I dread the summer holidays. I work two days a week.

I dont have the money to take them out all the time.
DS2 has LDs and ASD and it seems impossible to keep him entertained. I also have to watch hin all the time and that gets very wearing.

I love my kids. I love spending time with them but if you have a few weeks of crap weather and you dont have much money its not all fun and giggles.

16mth has the attention span of a, well 16 mth old, 3 year old is fab but his concentration is also limited, 8 year old cannot concentrate on anything much unless you are one to one.

I spend most of the summer holidays feeling guilty that I am not doing enough with them. I dont take them out enough. Our activities are not educational enough.

The lack of routine sends DS2 in a tail spin which sets the others off.

I would prefer shorter holidays, more often.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 22/08/2011 22:24

What sidge said.

wannabefree · 22/08/2011 22:31

Not read the thread yet, but I think when you work, the six weeks holiday is a nice time to chill out with your kids. I relish it. If I didn't work I can imagine needing a holiday just to get over the six weeks holiday! Shock

sheepgomeep · 22/08/2011 22:38

I have found the holidays intense at times a. because I have no car and struggling with 4 kids on public transport is a nightmare and costly. b. I have no one to share the parenting c. my children bicker and fight a lot which really really get me down.

I have enjoyed the freedom of no getting up in the morning, no school run and despite having little money I have been on homestart free trips and am off to Telford park tomorrow ( its gonna rain, I know)

I am really looking forward to them going back to school though/

I do think yabu (a bit), and you do sound a bit envious

I do work 2 days a week myself so not technically a SAHM

sheepgomeep · 22/08/2011 22:45

My son has ADHD and the holidays have really messed his routine up and his behaviour has deteriorated over the holidays. Also Welsh kids have had (by the time they go back) 7 weeks off as they broke up mid july and dont go back until the 5th september, some even go back on the 7th if your child is a staggered nursery intake!

I agree with MrsDevere.

MilaMae · 22/08/2011 22:48

I work but not in the holidays.I love being with my 3 and the holidays but sorry it is intense

effingwotnots · 22/08/2011 23:01

Yabu
I'd love to get put of the house back to work for a break.

shocked2 · 23/08/2011 02:47

hi - I have not read the entire thread but wanted to say that I think the OP is saying that she did not like the patronising way her two friends spoke to her and I can totally understand this...
the bit I don't understand is them saying to her that she would "know what it was like" when her child goes to school full time - how is that - if the OP continues to work 3 days a week then there will never be that full contrast between "kids at school" and to "kids on holiday" that there is for full-time stay at home parents....
i think i would also react to being talked down to - had her friends sounded less preachy I'm sure the op wouldn't have started this thread

Doitnicelyplease · 23/08/2011 03:51

I am a SAHM to only 1 DD and she is nearly 3, so not in school yet, and even I find the summer intense.

There are less activities to do, usually we would do 3 classes a week but in the summer only one. Everyday is trying to think of things to do which don't cost too much. Most of our friends have gone away for weeks at a time so that makes it a bit boring and like others have said we start to get on each others nerves a bit.

In the summer all our favourite parks are overrun with summer camp/daycare kids, they overtake everything and make it hard for the younger ones to play.

So yes I am REALLY looking forward to DD starting pre-school two mornings a week in Sept as that will be the only break I get during the week (DH works long hours and no family support).

YABU

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/08/2011 06:48

I work part time and in the holidays go to work for a rest. Ok my DD has severe autism and is hyperactive but I can see why my friends with NT kids get frazzled in holidays too..spending loads of time with a 4/5 year old can be hard if you are am adult and need grown up conversation

MrsNorthman · 23/08/2011 07:18

Agree with other posters in this thread that some women aren't very forgiving of other women if they disagree with them.

Some love to paint an idyllic picture of being a mum and family life. Each to their own I suppose but why do some people look down on some mums who admit to finding it a bit hard sometimes. We can't all be good at everything, being a good or average or bad parent is the same as being good, average or bad at say drawing or cooking or maths!

As I said in an earlier post - kids don't and can play outside anymore i.e. in the street with other kids of their own age, unsupervised by their mothers. If you live by the coast and the weather is nice (not today!!) you can spend time on the beach enjoying picnics and making sand castles.... but if you live in a city in a tower block with no money ..... your summer holiday might be a bit different!

Stop and think for a minute, we are not all in the same boat!

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 23/08/2011 07:41

I have a friend who is a practice nurse and very capable. She has two teens and a younger child. She took a year for maternity leave when her youngest was born which was a fair bit longer than with the other two. We were in her garden at the end of that summer and she looked at me and asked me a bit sheepishly whether I found the summer holidays hard going and looked hugely relieved when I said I did, as if she had just shared a guilty secret.

I work from home so spend the entire holidays running around doing a good impression of a headless chicken. My Mum now needs help so yesterday was spent juggling helping her, the DC's and working and I feel I am doing all three pretty badly but doing the best I can in the circumstances. I do enjoy the holidays though as 6 weeks of no pack lunch making is sheer bliss.

bruffin · 23/08/2011 07:47

I work part time and mine are teenagers, but the holidays have gone far too quickly for my liking. It's been the same every year. I have plans and we never have the time to get round to them. I never found them intense at all. I found them a few activities to do, but the rest of the time left them to it.

"kids don't and can play outside anymore i.e. in the street with other kids of their own age, unsupervised by their mothers."

Yes they do, there is often 7 or 8 children playing out in our street. My DCs did they same when they were younger, but now go farther afield.

Bubbaluv · 23/08/2011 07:50

Why do mothers always seem to feel patronised when another Mum tells them about an aspect of motherhood that they have yet to experience?
These two mothers agreed that they were having an experience that the OP had not yet had but soon would - bitches.

You get it all the time on here. Mothers with one child feeling patronised by mothers of multiple children who dare to tell them that there are experiences of parenthood that they simply cannot relate to until they have more babies.
Mothers of young children feeling patronised by mothers of older children who dare to offer the benefit of the wisdom they have gained.

All seems a bit silly to me. Maybe the OP should just listen to her friends so she won't feel shocked or guilty if/when she realises (as she may or may not) that she's finding the holidays rather draining?

Bonsoir · 23/08/2011 08:05

The summer holidays can be fabulous or can be dreadful, IMO, and that largely depends on the resources at your disposal to entertain your DC. If you can go away to stay with friends and family (which we will have done three times this summer, in three different countries) and go on a good family holiday to a lovely place (which we will have done twice), and have the money and ability to have plenty of days out when at home, and have friends over for sleepovers etc, as well as having a few achievement goals to work towards (reading, swimming, cycling etc), the summer holidays can be lovely. If you are cooped up in a small house in an urban environment, however, the summer holidays are probably going to drag.

msbuggywinkle · 23/08/2011 08:17

We can't wait for the end of the holidays because everywhere will be so much quieter...we Home Ed and have been hibernating as everywhere is so busy and stressful.

So, I can see why people dislike the holidays. I can imagine I would feel as though I had to be doing lots of fun stuff, but find keeping track of DD2 (who runs) really difficult with so many people around and DD1 is dreamy and likes to spend hours in one bit of (for example) the museum. Yes, I can see how it would be stressful.

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