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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my sister is a **** and this is inexcusable?

139 replies

cherryburton · 21/08/2011 10:31

Can i just have a rant please? Guess what we did yesterday - we went to visit dh'S dad at the chapel of rest. Dh's birthday today - the first card he opened was from my sister. What was on the front? A fucking corpse. I kid you not. Some Edwardian bloked stretched out on the floor - the caption was something like "Jennifer didn't know what was worse, the fact that he was dead, or that he'd forgotten the corkscrew."

Words fucking fail me. It made him cry. I could fucking kill her

OP posts:

takethisonehereforastart · 22/08/2011 17:24

Cherryburton - thanks for your reply to mine.

I have nothing to do with my PILs now, DH seems them now and again. They are not happy about the situation and fully blame me for it. Apparently I think I am better than everybody else and am taking them for mugs. I've felt a lot of relief since I finally cut the ties, but it has caused a lot of ongoing stress in my relationship with DH. They have manipulated him since his childhood and brought him up to believe that he and his siblings would be responsible for MILs mental breakdown if they ever upset her for any reason. He still now half believes that he has to try and make her happy or be responsible for the consequences.

Your sisters reply is appalling. She could have bought a different card when she learned of your FIL's death. Given that he died after a few months of illness, and his passing wasn't entirely unexpected, I still think it's appalling that she chose that card at all.

It's shocking that she would suggest you are the one to deliberately try to upset people when she is the one who sent the card. She clearly is a person who feels that the only person allowed to be upset for any reason is her and that no matter what she does to upset others, she is still the injured party if they dare to get upset with her because of it.

I don't know what to suggest you do or say now, perhaps it might be best to keep a dignified silence and concentrate on you and your DH.

I hope that today has been gentle on you both, no doubt it's been very emotional but I hope it's brought you both some comfort too.

aldiwhore · 22/08/2011 17:33

Text her and say thank for remembering to send a card BUT the dead guy on the front was completely inappropriate and upset your DH especially as its so close to losing his dad and you're gutted and hoping that she just didn't think.

Then leave it at that. I TOTALLY understand your disgust but what is to be gained from taking it further than that or turning it into something unforgiveable?

You sound like you're bitter regarding her anyway, there's obviously a lot of resentment there. What she did WAS pretty awful and grim but IF she honestly didn't think, then much as it hurts you have to accept that yours and your husband's pain is relevant only to you.... and though she 'should' respect that, she either didn't think or didn't make the connection, she sounds like she's done nothing out of character for her. Don't let shock and bitterness and anger overshadow this time of mourning, because that's not a good place to be. Chuck the thing in the bin.

'Move on' is good advice. Move on from this minor incident and focus on your DH and your grief, don't let it overshadow this really important time.

Original poster

cherryburton · 22/08/2011 17:44

Thanks takethis. It was really hard but dh managed to read his whole eulogy and I'm so proud of him. I think things will start to move on now- you can't really do anything until that's out of the way.

I'm still modifying my reply. I may or may not send it bit it's making me feel better...

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QueenStromba · 22/08/2011 18:00

I'm sorry to hear about your family's loss, please give your DH a big hug for me. As for your sister, if you don't really have much of a relationship with her anyway then I'd avoid replying to her texts. I'm guessing from what you've written that she always has to be the center of attention, always thinks the other person is to blame and loves to try and drag other people into it and turn them against you and normally succeeds because they tell a story which is about as far away from the truth as is possible. I've met people like her and she will just try to pull you into an all out war if you give her half the chance.

Original poster

cherryburton · 22/08/2011 18:39

Thanks Queen. And you're spot on re her.

I hardly see her now but we still carry out the facade of sending birthday/Christmas presents etc. I think this might be the last straw, even I'm fairly shocked by what a brass necked bitch she's being.

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QueenStromba · 22/08/2011 19:05

I really feel for you, my worst encounter with someone like that was with a housemate. I only had to move out and put up with a month or two of abusive texts afterwards to get rid of her, I eventually texted her back telling her that my number was in the process of being changed and the texts thankfully stopped (I really didn't want to have to change the number I'd had for years because of her).

I think in your situation the best thing would probably be to try and back out of the argument because you can't win with people like that anyway and it will just end up escalating. She'll thrive on the drama and you'll get more and more upset and stressed by it all. I got pushed out of my house even though my other housemate wanted her gone too, she could end up pushing you out of your family.

TheGhostNotMe · 22/08/2011 19:17

Honestly? Cut her out your life. As you have seen by recent events, life is too short for toxic people in your life. You and your DH are a family now, and if the rest of your relatives are like that you are better off without them.

Glad to hear today went well, have been thinking of you

(btw, you know me but I'm under cover as a name change!)

skinnymuffin · 22/08/2011 20:02

Oh Cherry what an awful reply! She tried to make it all about you, what a complete cow .

I'd leave it for now, tbh, see what she says to your dh when/if she calls.

At a later date, you could try and explain to her that the insensitive part wasn't buying the card, it was posting it.

But then, buying and posting are words of more than one syllable, she probably won't understand as she sounds a bit thick to me. And she hasn't a cat in hell's chance of getting 'insensitive' :)

DontGoCurly · 22/08/2011 20:11

Cherry, I wouldn't even dignify her with a response.

She's lashing out because she knows she's wrong and she doesn't like it being pointed out to her.

You told her and gave her the chance to apologise. You were nice in your text. She was nasty in return and totally tried to turn it back on you. People like her have no insight and no decency.

I would seriously leave it and keep your distance from the stupid, immature bitch.

So sorry you are having to deal with it on such a sad occasion as well. Please put it out of your mind and rise above it.

HeifferunderConstruction · 22/08/2011 20:24

When was it posted??

before he died??

If not then :O

QuintessentialShadow · 22/08/2011 20:30

How about" Sister, the card is inconsiderate and offencive as a birthday card, whether somebody has actually died or not. It is twice as inconsiderate when there is a bereavement in the close familiy. You need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions, rather than having another dig."

Original poster

cherryburton · 23/08/2011 07:43

I did send a reply along the lines of "any normal person would have sent a different card, or at least been mortified." have been stewing all night, she really is nasty and bloody awful.

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saffronwblue · 23/08/2011 08:04

Are you sure she is 26, not 16? That is such a self centred reply. Poor you - I think just leave it at this stage. Focus on DH and his and your grief.

Original poster

cherryburton · 23/08/2011 10:01

She's seriously stunted I'd say. We're going to send the card and the tenner back, (via my parents as she never actually bothered telling us she'd moved) with a note asking them to try to help her to understand why what she did was shit. Then we will just leave her behind and have nothing more to do with her.

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