to think my sister is a **** and this is inexcusable?

[cherryburton]

Can i just have a rant please? Guess what we did yesterday - we went to visit dh'S dad at the chapel of rest. Dh's birthday today - the first card he opened was from my sister. What was on the front? A fucking corpse. I kid you not. Some Edwardian bloked stretched out on the floor - the caption was something like "Jennifer didn't know what was worse, the fact that he was dead, or that he'd forgotten the corkscrew."

Words fucking fail me. It made him cry. I could fucking kill her

thanks everyone. I'll contact her once we've got past the funeral.

I don't think I'd tell her she should apologise. She's a grown up, she should know how to behave. I think I would send a text, rather than calling her to say "DH received your birthday card. It upset him. What on earth were you thinking?". Ball's in her court then to react.

oh, she's nearly 26 by the way, it's not like she's 13...

oh, she's nearly 26 by the way, it's not like she's 13...

sorry, stupid phone!

I don't know if I'd be so accusatory. A simple "what the hell were you thinking?" would suffice. Give her a chance to speak before you rush in.

Firstly I would straight away think it was very bad form to send a birthday card at all while someone was in mourning. Generally people do not send birthday/ christmas cards for the first year after a death. I am astounded that someone would be so cruel to post a card like that.

Call /text her today otherwise this is going to fester and be something to dread doing after the funeral.

'Generally people do not send birthday/ christmas cards for the first year after a death.'

Is that still the case do you think queenmaeve?

It just sounds such an isolating thing to do to someone who's recently lost someone close to them.

Yes I was surprised at that - sounds like one of MILs etiquette laws, which I have never usually heard of!

Well I would usually send a little 'thinking of you card'. At christmas you can get cards specifically for someone who's been recently bereaved. I am in Ireland so probably people are still a bit old fashioned about things like this. We wouldnt go out socially for example for the first month after a family death.

Also families here dont send xmas cards out the first xmas following a death.

Surely it must just have been completely thoughtless and not on purpose!?!? She hopefully just didn't link the image on the card with the fact that your DH's dad had just died rather than choosing it on purpose?

Definitely pull her up on it.

So sorry for your loss.

Yes queenmaeve, I see what you mean if you're talking about sending a different card rather than a generic Christmas one.

I quite like some of the old traditional or Victorian ways of paying respect to the dead person, and making those left behind know other people aren't just passing by as though nothing of significance has happened.

I can see where that comes from queenmaeve and that it's traditional in Ireland, but thinking back to how my mum felt dropped by so many people as soon as my dad died, I think not getting christmas cards would have really rubbed it in.
However not really the purpose of this thread!

Interesting about Christmas cards. Last year I was doing a card for friends whose daughter was stillborn months before. I think I wished them a peaceful Christmas - but I bet they got tons wishing them a 'merry' one.

I'd go with Vivians 'disarming' approach as it seems you have enough sorrow in your life with the recent demise of dh's df and the forthcoming funeral to be overly upset about a tactless card.

It's not the most appropriate birthday card to send at this particular time, but if your dsis wasn't particularly close to your dh and his df it could be that his death hasn't registered on her radar.

Also, if your dsis hasn't had any experience of the impact that the death of a loved one can have on the bereaved, she'll learn when someone close to her shakes off this mortal coil.

FTR I wouldn't have been offended by the card unless I was the deceased as I never forget the corkscrew, and also because the extent of my personal grief when losing a loved one is a matter that I don't expect others to share unless they were also close to the departed and'/or are particularly empathetc/sensitive.

I'm aware that I have a darker sense of humour than most but, neverthless, if you and dh can't at least see the funny side of the card's timing, bin it and mention it to your dsis quietly in passing.

queenmaeve - it must be local to you, the not sending cards thing, i've never heard of it, and i don't think people failed to send my mother cards at christmas etc after my father's death, though i think they were more soberly worded than usual.

op - astounded at your sister's insensitivity. i would have to talk to her about it immediately, i think, since i would assume it was stupidity not malice, and that she would want to apologise at the earliest opportunity.

Yes it probably is just here then, we're a bit traditional like that still! It would be quite the opposite here that people would ever feel 'dropped' or isolated because of a death. It would be normal to have a few hundred callers after a death. In rural areas it is quite common for local neighbours to act as traffic control such is the volume of visitors to a wake house.

Traditional where we are as well. Some people send thinking of you cards rather than Christmas etc and the bereaved family certainly don't send any cards. And yes, the house is usually awash with visitors following a bereavement so I don't think anyone would feel they've been dropped, quite the opposite!

Beyond dreadful. Sorry to hear of your loss.

Takethatone - wanted to say thanks for your post, and I'm so sorry for what you went through. Your mil sounds totally evil- do you still have much to do with her? My parents (father and stepmother) are possibly narcs and my half sister is still very heavily dependent on them, which I think they like. And with two parents with (possible) NPD I suppose it was always going to have an effect.