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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my sister is a **** and this is inexcusable?

139 replies

cherryburton · 21/08/2011 10:31

Can i just have a rant please? Guess what we did yesterday - we went to visit dh'S dad at the chapel of rest. Dh's birthday today - the first card he opened was from my sister. What was on the front? A fucking corpse. I kid you not. Some Edwardian bloked stretched out on the floor - the caption was something like "Jennifer didn't know what was worse, the fact that he was dead, or that he'd forgotten the corkscrew."

Words fucking fail me. It made him cry. I could fucking kill her

OP posts:

Original poster

cherryburton · 22/08/2011 07:12

Oh, should probably add- in my title I wasn't calling her a c

OP posts:

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 22/08/2011 07:53

Agree with those who say that you have to say something to her.

You know, it was very insensitive of you to send a card with a dead man on it to my husband when he has just lost his father. It really upset him.

Whatmeworry · 22/08/2011 08:22

I understand why youre upset but She probably hasn't connected the two events as it's not her FiL and the Card probably amused her. She sent a condolence card too.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 22/08/2011 09:30

Please say something to her. People can be grossly insensitive but it'd take a true plank not to be mortified once it's been pointed out. Please at least give her a chance to redeem herself and make it up to your poor DH.

Katisha · 22/08/2011 09:41

ARe you going to say anything to her OP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/08/2011 09:49

It's odd that she'd send your DH a birthday card at all given that she has such a poor relationship with you, OP. I wouldn't find the card funny, bereaved or not, but perhaps in other circumstances, your DH appreciates that sort of humour? I would think that your DH is raw anyway right now and this plus a hundred other things would make him weep.

If you havent' spoken in almost a year I can understand that pulling her up on this might be awkward. I don't think it would be acceptable to reprimand her by text, I'd say do it over the phone or not at all. I wouldn't solicit an apology for your DH either, if your sister doesn't know how to behave then she doesn't. A forced apology is no apology at all.

iscream · 22/08/2011 10:30

Wow. I am so sorry. Definitely tell her the pain she caused your husband.
I would not be able to contain myself. :(

Original poster

cherryburton · 22/08/2011 16:22

I just sent a text:
"thanks for sending DH a card. Unfortunately the one you chose under the circumstances was hugely insensitive and he was really really upset by it. Just thought you should know."

She just texted back saying she bought it before his birthday and would never try to deliberately upset someone - not like me. I'll type it verbatim when I stop shaking with rage.

OP posts:

LtEveDallas · 22/08/2011 16:30

Wow Cherry, it really is all about her isn't it? I'd be tempted to say something like "Oh good, I'm glad you are upset, now you know how it feels" but it wouldnt help matters would it. So sorry to hear this, I hope the funeral was OK, (as well as can be expected) and that your DH is coping.

(I'd send hugs, but TBH I'd probably be as angry as you right now)

Original poster

cherryburton · 22/08/2011 16:30

"if you are talking about his birthday card I bought this before his birthdayand have only actually realised and appologise if this has upset him, but as I said I had bought this before and I sure you must know I would not intend to upset him, as I have previously said to him how upset I am and i will call DH on a more appropriate day to apologise, as i also think you should focus on today rather than me, to be honest I am sure you know that I wouldn't want to upset DH I am not like you Cherry and do not try to intentionally upset people"

Not quite sure whether to answer that or not...

OP posts:

Original poster

cherryburton · 22/08/2011 16:32

How about " no, you're just so stupid and self centred you do it all the time by accident."

OP posts:

Katisha · 22/08/2011 16:33

SHe may have bought it but she didnt have to send it.

Don't bother replying.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/08/2011 16:33

Reply with 'Was that an apology? Really? Wow. You really need to lose my phone number you nasty, selfish twat'

diddl · 22/08/2011 16:38

OMG!

She didn´t still have to send it-I´m sure your husband would rather have had a text/call/nothing than such a card sent because it had beenif bought.

FFS- I´d just ignore her as she obviously thinks she´s done nothing wrong.

Original poster

cherryburton · 22/08/2011 16:43

She posted it on the 16th, he died on the 12th after a 3 month illness that she was fully aware of. Am fucking fuming.

OP posts:

whoneedssleepanyway · 22/08/2011 16:48

WTF - on top of this she says you upset people intentionally.

She sounds like a piece of work OP....

AgentZigzag · 22/08/2011 16:48

'i will call DH on a more appropriate day to apologise, as i also think you should focus on today rather than me'

She's trying to make you feel ridiculous for being upset, and as though she's thinking about your DH when you're not. She's wrong and you have every right to be pissed off at her.

'I wouldn't want to upset DH I am not like you Cherry and do not try to intentionally upset people'

Don't take any responsibility for her behaviour, remind her how old she is if you have to.

JeremyVile · 22/08/2011 16:52

Her reply explains quite well that she didnt mean to upset your dh and that she is very sorry.
She's going to apologise to him directly at a more appropriate time.

I think this is the correct response. Her dig at you is a separate issue about underlying animosity between the two of you. IMO it would be a mistake to push the issue of the card any further.

There are clearly problems between the two of you but they are separate.

Katisha · 22/08/2011 16:54

SHe probably interprets being stood up to as you deliberately setting out to upset her, given that you said earlier that your parents think she can do no wrong. I suppose no-one ever contradicts her. I doubt you will ever get her to admit any kind of responsibility for herself.

But you were right to call her on it.

Original poster

cherryburton · 22/08/2011 16:57

Am tempted to reply:
"wow. You are amazing. He died on the 12th, you posted it on the 16th. You really need to start taking responsibility for yourself at your age."

I mean, it was an incomprehensibly stupid thing to do. How is anyone THAT stupid?

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 22/08/2011 17:03

She's an insensitive twat and I'll just bet this all gets turned around on you now for upsetting her by telling her how thoughtless and insensitive she was.

She is utterly self-centred - who gives a flying fuck if she'd already bought the card - anyone with an ounce of nouse would realise it was an utterly shit card to send to someone recently bereaved and would have gone and bought another one! Silly bitch.

QueenMaeve - I'm glad your tradition doesn't pertain in general because I would have been pretty upset if no one had sent us a card when DS was born, 4m after my Mum died.

Thumbwitch · 22/08/2011 17:04

Cherry - leave her to it. Do not bother replying, she's on another planet. Anything you say now will be further "evidence" that you're being mean to her and upsetting her - if she wants to play the martyred teen, let her get on with it.

Bestb411pm · 22/08/2011 17:06

Wow!

I would point out that as she'd 'forgotten' what's the problem with you pointing it out and reminding her. Better than your DH forever thinking she intentionally wanted to hurt him. As for any previous arguments, you haven't got the time or energy to go over any of it at the moment and would appreciate her waiting till at least the funeral is out of the way before starting an argument with you.

honeyandsalt · 22/08/2011 17:10

I'd reply "This is a very hard time for both of us and you are making it much worse, if you were really sorry you would not have replied in this way. I am thinking of DH the card severely upset him. I had hoped that you were simply being thoughtless as it seems you were, there was no need to have a dig at me at this time."

What a bitch.

GalaxyWeaver · 22/08/2011 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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