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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my sister is a **** and this is inexcusable?

139 replies

cherryburton · 21/08/2011 10:31

Can i just have a rant please? Guess what we did yesterday - we went to visit dh'S dad at the chapel of rest. Dh's birthday today - the first card he opened was from my sister. What was on the front? A fucking corpse. I kid you not. Some Edwardian bloked stretched out on the floor - the caption was something like "Jennifer didn't know what was worse, the fact that he was dead, or that he'd forgotten the corkscrew."

Words fucking fail me. It made him cry. I could fucking kill her

OP posts:
pictish · 21/08/2011 11:08

I'd roll my eyes and bin it, and never think of it again.

tawrag · 21/08/2011 11:10

Agree with diddi. Send it back to her and say it caused upset and would she please apologise to your DH and you. If she won't say sorry, just leave her be and don't contact her.

diddl · 21/08/2011 11:15

Maybe I´m just a boring old fart, as I can´t see that I would every appreciate a b/day card with a corpse on from anyone.

HairyGrotter · 21/08/2011 11:18

I'm sorry, but I laughed.

I tend to find grossly unthoughtout, unintentional errors highlarrrious, but that's because I find insensitive and rude people generally funny.

If you and your DH are appalled, send the card back with a note explaining that it was not funny.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/08/2011 11:21

But maybe she thought he might? Unless you've got reason to think she did it to upset him then it had to be simply misguided. To send a card like that to deliberately upset a recently bereaved man you'd have to be a real cow. Is she a cow? Only you know that.

Coffeeisking · 21/08/2011 11:22

I would say something, I have a sister who does not think, at all! and they need telling. Even if its a stupid unthoughtful mistake, she needs to know it was wrong and its caused upset.

DontGoCurly · 21/08/2011 11:37

I'm flabberghasted. Your poor DH.

She can't have failed to have some sort of twinge sending it. I mean it's impossible surely?

I just can't conceive of how she thought it would be ok on any level.

I think you'll have to at least text her. Screw your parents if they think you're 'trouble making'

She hurt a bereaved person and that is cruel. She sounds like a sociopath.

skinnymuffin · 21/08/2011 11:45

Shock Tell her what she's done!

If it was a mistake/ posted before she knew about your fil then she would have called to say don't open it.

If it's her idea of a mood lightener then she needs to know it backfired and be given the opportunity to make amends.

If it's in her character to either think it's funny to upset people in this way on purpose or to just not give a shit what she does then she deserves whatever you decide to give her! If it were my sister I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her.

Leave your mum and dad out of it, it's nothing to do with them.

takethisonehereforastart · 21/08/2011 11:45

I think the telling thing is that the OP says "I can't believe even she would do it on purpose."

Which indicates that the sister has form for doing some pretty insensitive or crass things but has never deliberately stooped to this level before.

From my experience, if you know someone who does thoughtless or spiteful things, it is hard to understand or believe that they could be doing them on purpose because you wouldn't do them yourself. So when they do go one step further it is hard to believe that they have done it on purpose. It doesn't mean that something shouldn't be said though.

In this situation, with the OP and especially her DH being so recently bereaved, I don't think the OP has over-reacted even if the sister wasn't being deliberately nasty and had just made a misguided attempt at black humour or an innocent but thoughtless mistake.

I'm thinking of my MIL, who has said some dreadful things to me in the early days of losing my children and who is a spiteful and manipulative woman, but who is passed off in her immediate family as someone who just doesn't think before she speaks, who can't help herself and who has to be made allowences for because she is too old to change (she's 57 now and has been doing things like this long before the last ten years I've known her for, since DH was just a baby).

Now some of the family have used that defence of her to me but not one of them, not even MIL, has managed to explain how you can ask someone who gave birth to a stillborn child three days earlier "does it still hurt to give birth if the baby has died" by accident or without thinking. Or how you can accidentally throw a tantrum the day before that baby's funeral because the baby's father didn't sound happy when you spoke to him on the phone and you feel that he was being "funny" with you. Or quite what you mean when you ask if a baby who you can see clearly in a photo "was born with all of her face or not?"

You can't say those things in a good way, or mean well by them but they came out wrong. There's nothing else that could be meant by them and a normal person would not say them by mistake.

And that's what I'm trying to work out about this card. The OP has already ruled out the chance of it being posted before her FIL passed away and doubts that her sister had it bought, written and sealed so long ago that she had forgotten what it had on the front.

And in that case, recently bought, not posted too early, most people would have remembered in time and not sent the card at all.

All I can say in your sisters defence OP is that she may have been focused on the corkscrew aspect, perhaps focusing on your DH liking a drink (if he does) and so the other part just didn't stick in her mind and she was thinking "I bought him a card about a missing corkscrew" rather than "and it has a body on the front."

I do think though, that calmly telling her he received the card and was upset by it is the best way to go. It gives her the chance to apologise if it was a genuinely thoughtless act. If she doesn't care, dismisses his upset as an over-reaction or refuses to apologise then at least you'll know that your instincts were right and you can decide from that what you want to do in the future with regards to her.

MissPenteuth · 21/08/2011 11:47

That really is jaw-droppingly insensitive. I can only guess that it just didn't occur to her. It seems unbelievable that someone could be so self-centred and oblivious, but that seems to be the case in this instance.

She sounds like a thoughtless idiot, and I think you should let ask her what the hell she was thinking.

MissPenteuth · 21/08/2011 11:47

let

BecauseImWorthIt · 21/08/2011 11:54

Send her a text, if that is how you normally communicate, saying:

"Thank you for the card that you sent DH. But did you really think that the picture on the front was appropriate, given that DH's father has just died? The card made DH cry, and I would like you to apologise to him, as he is still very upset"

She did at least have the heart/consideration to send him a birthday card.

But you need to make it clear to her that her 'thought' for him has actually had exactly the oppositive effect.

DevotionAndDesire · 21/08/2011 12:15

It may be that she saw the card, thought it was amusing and bought it, wrote it and sent it, without even making the conection to your FIL's death.

If it was intentional then she would have to be a prety nasty piece of work.
I don't get along with my sister, she is a nasty piece of work, but I don't think even she would do something like this.

It should more likely that she is just a thoughtless moron. Lol

cherryburton · 21/08/2011 12:16

bit soon to move on- we stood looking at his dead dad yesterday. Funeral's tomorrow. Dh was so upset he cried.
His dad has been in hospital for 2 months- we knew he was going to die.
I can't believe she would do it on purpose, can't believe anyone would. But i also can't see how anyone could be so stupid either. It just doesn't make sense, i don't know what to think.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 21/08/2011 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinkyWinkola · 21/08/2011 12:19

Thoughtlessness needs to be pulled up.

Your sister sounds like a knob of the highest order. Knobs need to be told they are knobs on a regular basis in order that their knobbishness doesn't infect the rest of the population.

I'd phone her up and say, "dh's dad recently. You sent him a card with a picture of a dead body on it. Why did you do such a knobby thing? Oh you didn't think? What a knobby thing to do, not to think."

NoobyNoob · 21/08/2011 12:20

That's fucking inexcusable.

So sorry to hear about your DH's dad. Hope everyone is doing OK?

I'd be angry too, very angry.

cherryburton · 21/08/2011 12:22

bloody good points skinnymuffin

OP posts:
takethisonehereforastart · 21/08/2011 12:23

WinkyWinkola can I call you the next time the IL's are being knobby and defending knobishness please?

warthog · 21/08/2011 12:25

absolutely inexcusable.

but she MUST apologise.

so i'd send a text:

'dh got your birthday card after visiting his father at the chapel of rest yesterday. he is devastated by your insensitivity. you need to apologise immediately and unreservedly.'

diddl · 21/08/2011 12:26

If she´s usually thoughtless then I would assume that it wasn´t done on purpose.

But it sounds as if she needs to be told that sometimes you have to be thoughtful towards others.

unavailable · 21/08/2011 12:27

If you want to get this sorted out and constructively support your dh you need to talk to her.

Dont text her, speak to your parents about it or any other indirect communication that could be misunderstood; just ring her.

cherryburton · 21/08/2011 12:28

Smile @winky. I can't think she's that evil, so she must be insanely stupid. But if she is that stupid am not sure she should be allowed to talk to people in daily life.

OP posts:
SuePurblybilt · 21/08/2011 12:29

Is there a reason you haven't just asked her?

cherryburton · 21/08/2011 12:30

thanks everyone. I'll contact her once we've got past the funeral.

OP posts: