To have laughed at my friend.

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This makes me feel soooooo much better, given my penchant for doing/saying the truly ridiculous. I want to share with you the conversation I had this morning with my truly lovely and normally very sensible friend.

Friend: Where's Jestershire?

Me: Eh?

Friend; Where's Jestershire? I keep seeing all these vans around here with Jestershire on the side and I don't know where it is.

Me: Are you winding me up?

Friend: (now laughing) No! I honestly have never heard of it.

Me: (hysterical by this point) It's Jesters Hire you knob.

Bless her.

about a month after i moved into my first home away from my parents, i had friends round for dinner. after sitting chatting for a couple of hours my friend said, "aren't you going to put the dinner on, i'm starving" i told her it was on, but that it takes hours before it's ready. she went to the kitchen and came back doubled over in kinks of laughter. i said 'what's wrong' (panicking) and she said," you do know you have to actually close the oven door when you're cooking something in it?" i was shocked, i genuinely thought the oven would overheat and catch fire if i closed the door.

DH was thinking about applying for a work transfer to Brussel's, he nearly died laughing when I told him I didnt want to move to France! Geograhpy was never my strong point.

Notcitrus - At least my Mum wasn't looking for a boyfriend at the gay pub. At least I don't think so...

Whilst holidaying in America with a couple of friends we were driving along the freeway with the American friend that we were staying with.

At one point we went past a truck with the word 'YELLOW' emblazoned down the side in orange lettering. My (English) friend, questioned the logic to which my American friend replied 'Oh, we don't have orange over here. Just yellow.'

This thoroughly puzzled my English friend who sat frowning for a few minutes before asking 'What do you call the fruit?'

'Yellows.'

To this day she believes Southern Californians wash down their breakfast with a nice cold glass of yellow juice.

This isn't about what my sister said but what she did once.

She went to the doctors once and he gave her a suppository (not sure of correct spelling). She had obviously never heard or seen one before and of course, didn't bother reading instructions.
She decided it looked far too big so cut it in half.
She said she was dehydrated for about a fortnight

Ex boyfriend of mine some years ago.

Him: 'Why do horses always have their noses on the floor when you see them out in the field?'

Me: 'Because they are eating the grass of course'.

Him: (astonished) 'Horses eat grass'???!!!

As a horse owner myself It didn't work out between us funnily enough.

I used to think that Ernest Hemmingway had written a book called "All Quiet On The Weston Front". Damned west country upbringing!!

But this is better (from a game of Articulate).

Clock starts.

Friend: OK, it's a fish, it's a type of fish, it's got scales, it swims, it's a type of fish, a fish...

Us: Trout, salmon, perch, cod, hake, haddock, halibut, sole, etc, etc

5 seconds remaining.

Friend: Oh, fuck it, it might be a tree.

Us: ASH, LARCH, BIRCH OAK, ELM, CEDAR, WILLOW...

Time up.

Us: What was it?

Friend: Elk.

MIL: "I've run out of fresh milk...will the IVF stuff be ok?"

My youngest sister is known for her dimness, although she is actually quite clever and very practical. She's just very ditzy.

A big group of us were in the pub one night and the conversation got onto Tom Hardy.

My sister: "Is he the one who wrote Tess of the D'Urbervilles?"
Me (laughing): "No! That was Thomas Hardy."
Sister: "Isn't that the same person?"
Me: "No. Thomas Hardy wrote Tess a hundred years ago!"
Sister: "No. It can't have been that long ago. Gemma Arterton was in it!"

'[Sister's name]isms' are what we call these moments, in my family.

Oh, and a classic from DH on learning that out neighbours had put in a planning application to build in thier garden:

DH: How many houses do they want to build?
me: Just the one!
DH: I wonder if it'll be detached?

I just keep remembering these now...a Year 11 student just before sitting his French GCSE...

Student: Miss, what's the French for sex?

Me: Well, I'm not sure why you'll need that for your French exam?

Student: Of course I'll need it, Miss

Me: Why do you need to know the french for sex? How will that possibly be useful for your exam? Now get on with your work, drag your mind out of the gutter and stop thinking about sex in my lesson!

Student: Not sex, Miss, I mean sex...you know, one, two, three, four, five, sex...

(Needs to be read with a strong Westcountry accent!)

Reminds me when I was at school and had part time job doing filing at doctor's surgery.

I had to pull the notes for all the patients that were attending the surgery.

Half way down the list was "Tea Break" told one of the other receptionist's I couldn't find Tea Break's notes.

How they laughed at me.

This was unusual - my friend is really bright - but once I went to visit and we were sitting in a perfectly nice cafe when she said, "I wanted to take you to a lovely cafe but it's closed, it's done out just like Close Encounters." I sat in bemused silence for a minute thinking about mountain-shaped heaps of mashed potato and flashing lights, when she said, "No, sorry, I mean Brief Encounter."