To have laughed at my friend.

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This makes me feel soooooo much better, given my penchant for doing/saying the truly ridiculous. I want to share with you the conversation I had this morning with my truly lovely and normally very sensible friend.

Friend: Where's Jestershire?

Me: Eh?

Friend; Where's Jestershire? I keep seeing all these vans around here with Jestershire on the side and I don't know where it is.

Me: Are you winding me up?

Friend: (now laughing) No! I honestly have never heard of it.

Me: (hysterical by this point) It's Jesters Hire you knob.

Bless her.

Another DH one,

Me, Would you like a cup of tea?

Dh, 'happymole, did you know that monkeys are so close to humans in terms of chromosomes, that if a human killed a monkey he is technically commiting murder and should be tried in a court?'

Me, 'What if a monkey kills a human?'

Dh, 'Same thing, it should technically go to court'

Me, 'So court then, how would it pay the solicitor?'

I gave up at this point, but he is convinced he is right, and i had a hilarious few minutes imaging the monkey pleading not guilty

DH's BFF had the dumbest girlfriend once. She was lovely, so sweet and ver wicked, but christ she was thick.
Her best...

When watching ghostbusters 2 (when the titanic lands in new york and all the ghosties come out)
-I don't get this, why woudl they go back to New York. (she thought it sank on the way home)

DH once said 'does a bear shit in the woods'
After some thought she said 'I think so, where else would they do it?'

On the same note, is the pope a catholic (yes we did it on purpose)
I think so, either that or protestant, I can never remember which one her is

PMSL @ these

My closest friend is a great one for asking daft questions.

My favourite, we walk into a hall where is about to do a sound check for singing competition, sit down, then another lady walks in.

Friend: who's that?
Me: how the fuck should I know she's just walked in.
Friend: then oh yeah (laughing).

She also asks things such as, what time will we get to X as shes driving along a motorway with the sat nav.

Oh and when DH was small he thought the swansea cork ferry was a ferry from swansea made of cork and asked where it went.

When I worked in a lab we got a new student in who was rather arrogant and thought he knew everything.
The head tech told him to go to the stores and ask for a long weight.
Stores staff played along and gave him a long wait.

A week later we told him we needed a long stand and asked him to go to the stores. He fell for it again!

Sadly we couldn't think of any reason why we might need some tartan paint...

girl at college -whats liver made of?
us-liver
girl-yeah but whats it made of?
us-its the liver of an animal
girl- an actual liver, like we have?

notcitrus, have you asked him to go for a fallopian tube?

dh persuaded one of his electrical apprentices to ask the stores for one when changing a light bulb

My MIL told me that she had heard someone was sent to prison for having prawn on their computer

My Sister (several years ago. while watching a football match on TV): Who is that new player?

My Dad: Zola.

My Sister: Ooh I've heard of him. Is his first name Gorgon?

Other People in Room: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

In the car with my husband-to-be and mother-in-law-to-be driving down a small country lane, I spied a village shop with a sign propped up outside saying, "Open Trugs". I said, "What's an 'Open Trug?" (thinking there must be a season when 'Trugs', whatever they are open up. I was met by stunned silence. They have never let me forget it and every time we go for a drive, one of them says, "oh, I wonder if we'll find any open trugs today?"

(In my defence, I had never heard of a wooden basket called a 'trug' and perhaps if the shop had put a comma or a dash in I'd have understood the sign.....

When I was a teenager I was watching a quiz on the telly and one of the questions was "What animal is used to play polo" my friend pipes up flamingo! I think someone had been watching too much Mary Poppins

Gathering outside a very old church for a wedding, friend and I were looking at the gravestones. Friend was very interested in some of the names from years gone by: "They had some strange names, didn't they? There's someone here called Herelith".

It read Here Lieth, followed by the deceased's actual name . We peed ourselves laughing for hours afterwards.

A friend of mine went for a walk, and stood on something that crunched. When he looked down it was a skeleton of a rabbit. He came home and told us about it, and our other housemate said "that's amazing, rabbits are normally really fast."

Same girl, was eating some chocolate coins that we'd bought in lidl, and I asked her if it was nice chocolate. "oh yeah, it tastes just like real money".

Different guy, we were all out for dinner, he ordered the marlin steak. Halfway through the meal I asked him if he was enjoying his dinner, and he said "the chips are nice, but the steak is a bit fishy". He wasn't joking, he thought marlin was a cut. And genuinely hadn't realised he'd been eating fish.

Yourefired Sat 20-Aug-11 16:48:05

Friend: we need to put some of those little ball things on the cake's icing.

Me: hundreds and thousands.

Friend: no just a few.

This made me spit tea over my monitor.

My dh told me a great one about my very naiive and prudish mil. When she was a supervisor on a factory one of the girls bought her a keyring sporting a picture of a grinning cat and the phrase "Happiness is a tight pussy". She hadn't a clue what it meant and proudly kept it with her set of keys for many years, until (I assume) fil got bored of the joke took pity on her and it disapeared.

Well happymole your DH may have been thinking of this

Who hung the monkey? Is a phrase used by Geordies when they want to insult someone from Hartlepool!

hahaha

I once asked my friend what she had haad for her tea

Friend: 'you know those things that are shaped like balls and made out of meat'

Me: (pissing myself laughing on the floor) 'you mean meatballs?!'

Friend: NO!!.......Faggots

At a wedding recently a friend and I had just stocked up from the buffet:

Friend: Dont think much of this chicken satay, tastes a bit ropy.

Me: Thats because its salmon!!!

I used to work with this girl who was probably the most stupidest person I had ever met!

My friend: I fancy going to Bulgaria this year
Girl: Why would you go there its full of Ethiopians
Friend: No, Bulgaria is full of Bulgarians, Ethiopia is full of Ethiopians
Girl: Oh is it a real place?? I thought it was a nickname for skinny people!

We also convinced her that the talking clock was an actual person reading the time out live!

There was also a lad that worked there that asked me in all seriousness how did women go for a wee if they were wearing a tampon? What made it worse he had a baby daughter and had changed quite a few nappies in his time!

Mum: That pub is a gay pub.

Me: Eh? How do you know?

Mum: Because of all the scooters parked outside.

Me: Do a lot of gay people ride scooters then?

Mum: Well they must do they're all parked outside the gay pub!

That was about 15 years ago now and me and my sister still laugh about it!

One day my friend and I had been talking about another friend who had discovered from his phone bill that her husband was cheating on her.

That evening my friend went home and went through all their papers trying to find her DH's phone bills. When he got home from work she yelled at him "DH, where are your phone bills, where have you hidden them?" to which, quick as a flash, he replied "DW, we're on Pay As You Go!"

She had a tiny baby at the time so think we can put both the paranoia and the stupidity one down to post partum hormones!

I moved into dh's flat when we first got together. Most evenings he would walk past the sofa where I would be sitting to put the kettle on. Each time there would be a 'fffrrrrrrpppppp' sound and he would mutter "bloody floorboards". It took me 6 months of living there before I realised the floor was tiles laid on concrete. I even warned friends about the dodgy floorboard when they came over

My friend's dh went to Iraq with the army a few years ago. I asked her how he was getting on and she said that it was ok but the heat was really hard to cop with as it was often between 40-50 degrees. I told her to stop taking the piss because it can't get that hot in Northern Europe.

When we moved to France friends of ours who already lived here told us about when they drove to Italy for a holiday. No one could understand why I was so baffled by this until I pointed out that they couldn't have driven from France to Italy because there's a massive bit of sea to cross.

I was also convinced that Canada was an island somewhere between Iceland and Greenland.

At work one day we were looking at a film magazine which had a 3D supplement, complete with 3D images and glasses to look at them through. Cue one slightly ditzy colleague remarking

"Wouldn't it be cool if you could wear these all the time, then everything would be in 3D" :)

Even better, she followed it up with "Oh, wait, everything already is in 3D"

My mother also comes up with some gems, generally when I am calling to arrange a lift from a train station, and I will say something along the lines of "right, I am getting the 17.50, it takes about half an hour, so I will be in about 20 past". Mum - "20 past what?"

Mumwith - reminds me:
Three female friends of mine shared a house. All aged 25ish, excellent degrees, and usually plenty of common sense. One day they were bemoaning their lack of boyfriends and how whenever they chatted up blokes in the local pub they either never got anywhere or the guy turned out to be gay.

My brain ticked round...
"Which pub's that, then?"
"You know, the big one on the Chiswick road."
Would that be the one called the Birdcage? With all the rainbow flags outside? And the rainbow bunting? And the rainbow-striped pub sign? And the ads for local men's health services? And the almost-entirely male clientele? Most of whom have buff muscles, shaven heads and tight trousers?

"Yes - we thought seeing as there weren't many women in there usually we'd do well."
"You hadn't noticed it's a gay pub?"
Shock.
"How do you know that???"

I'm still laughing a decade later!