To have laughed at my friend.

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This makes me feel soooooo much better, given my penchant for doing/saying the truly ridiculous. I want to share with you the conversation I had this morning with my truly lovely and normally very sensible friend.

Friend: Where's Jestershire?

Me: Eh?

Friend; Where's Jestershire? I keep seeing all these vans around here with Jestershire on the side and I don't know where it is.

Me: Are you winding me up?

Friend: (now laughing) No! I honestly have never heard of it.

Me: (hysterical by this point) It's Jesters Hire you knob.

Bless her.

linguene that is.

Friend: you know on the club website, it says 'De Butt' (she pronounced it like that). What does that mean?

It took quite a while to work out she meant the word debut...

Whilst talking with my lovely but ditzy friend about going on holiday...

Me - maybe we should just stay in the UK, it'll be easier than going abroad.

Friend - ooohhh yes, we could go to Cornland.

Me - what on earth are you talking about?

Friend - you know, down south, on the coast, sunny...

Me - (laughing) do you mean Cornwall you lunatic?!

Friend - that's the one!

I love having her as a friend; you never know what she'll come out with!

My friend who does this regularly always really suprises every one as she is the most well respected, high earner in v intelligent job and should know better

On holiday with my ex. First trip to Paris. We were young, in love and utterly lost.

We got out the tourist map and he said "we should head towards this big main street - the Champs eyes eels"

I got an A in French but it took me a while to realise he meant the Champs-Elysees!

Mmm squeezed anal gland and coke

cumbria81 - I have, genuinely, paid for a swimming lesson for my dog

I had a lovely colleague who was going treking for 3 days and worrying about how much water to take as it would be heavy. I suggested to save space she got some of those dehydrated sachets.......we put her out her misery when she complained she couldn't find any on the Millets website or Blacks.

Her response

"Oh yeah....I should've really got it when you guys said "just add water" and started laughing at me"

My ex (lazy and jealous of his brothers success) and I were invited to his brothers for dinner. Ex always put on a "posh" voice and made out he was wealthier, had bigger, done more, etc etc when in the company of his brother. His brother was speaking about the new house he had just bought with an en-suite bathroom.
Ex said "oh i love en-suite its so the in colour very classy"
Cue me roly eyed and and looking for hole to throw myself in.

I recently gave a friend some home grown radishes (grown by DS).

Friend: so how do I cook these?

Me:

She was 39 weeks pregnant so could be forgiven..

While visiting the baths in Bath:

Friend: So where did the Romans come from?

Me: Rome.

Friend: No seriously, where did they come from?

:o

After seeing 'Titanic' at the movies, friend says 'oh I didn't realise it would be SAD!'

quite how she thought that would end I'll never know!

these are hilarious.

Just one more from my lovely, but rather unwordly friend, then I'll leave her alone.

Late at night lazing in front of TV...

Friend: What's the name of that famous singer?

Me: Which one?

Friend: You know the one. REALLY famous, dead, got fat, american, had a quiff...

Me: Erm...

Friend: He was in the army for a bit. (pause) Eric! That's it! Eric Prusley!

Me: Elvis Presley?

Friend: yeah (pause) yeah...

My dc have a story of how I asked them to put something,'in the cupboard under the stairs' at my mum's house.I was really cross when they giggled and said they couldn't do that.......it was a bungalow!!!The cupboard was in the hall :)

I fooled an ex with the story that the big department store in London started off just as an electricals shop. But it became known as the place where they Sell Fridges......

Colleague and I used to call places in South London by faux posh pronunciation. Clapham to rhyme with Ma'am. Stretham (properly strettam or stre'um) became St Reatham. Penge became ponnnnge slightly French. Can't remember any others... I'm sure they'll come back to me.

oops, Streatham.

Scatty Aunty having a conversation with a friend of mine after arriving in London from Wales

Friend- Where have you travelled from?
Aunty- North Wales
Friend- Did you come on the M1?
Aunty- No, we came on the coach.

Cockney dh (we live in Wales)

Dh- Ere gal, I've seen a really nice house for sale
Me- Ooooh where?
Dh- down such and such a road
Me- which estate agent is it with?
Dh- Errr hang on....ah yes...it must be a massive company down here..I wrote it down. Yep, it's with A R Werth

Cue me dissolving into fits. He wasn't amused and I still trot that one out 4 years down the line and will continue to do so for.ever.

My sister's housemate convinced her to watch all three Lord of the Rings movies by telling her it was based on a true story. She didn't twig until the second film, when the Ents appeared. (Big walking, talking tree things!)

a load of us were playing scrabble at uni (they were wild days) and someone wrote the word 'pint'as in pint of milk. our highly intelligent friend said ' don't be bloody ridiculous there's no such word as pint (rhyming with bint). He is now a highly successful surgeon and remains the dippiest person I know.

bornsticky pmsl @ Elvis. I somehow think that Eric Prusley does not have the same "SHLEB osity" ring to it , wonder how different his life would have been if he had chosen that name instead probably would have really been the guy down the chip shop

I wouldn't say this now 'cos it's totally un-PC but...30 years ago my exH and I moved to Stamford Hill. He came into the pub all excited describing the first Orthodox Jew he'd ever seen, and asking me what they were (!)

I don't know what got into me but I came out with "Oh, wow, you've seen one of the special ambassadors from Israel!! Next time you see one you must welcome him to the country by giving him something to do with a pig (sorry, sorry!) like a bag of pork scratchings or bacon flavour crisps. Then as a sign of his appreciation he will give you a gold coin!"

All our mates in the pub were hysterical with laughter cos he totally believed me

So from this you can deduce that I was a) a pretty nasty teenager and b) that I didn't like H very much!

pallymama

.... so the Little Hobbits and Big Shiny wizard in the first one didn't give her the tiniest clue?

We have a dog who would have been a fantastic hunting dog etc as he's clever and keen to work.

Dh was remarking that he would have been a brilliant police dog for sniffing drugs etc.

MIL said: O the poor things, I feel so sorry for them.

Us: Why? They love working.

MIL: Well, they give them drugs to get them hooked so they'll hunt for the drugs.

And the really funny part is that DH's dad is a retired policeman who was in the dog unit (ok not a drugs dog, but still ...).

I was telling my lovely friend about dh's new job. He's an electrician and part of the job is working on fitted trucks which x-ray other trucks coming in from ferry terminals. I told her they scan the trucks and the computers can verify if the trucks contain illegal substances, explosives, firearms and illegal immigrants. She was impressed with this, and said, "Wow, that's so clever! especially how the computers can tell if people hidden in the back of the trucks are illegal or not!"

Errrm, the giveaway is the fact they have been hidden in secret panels etc, it kind of gives it away that they aren't quite on the level

And the elves Honeydragon

Not even the pointy ears gave it away!