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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think this couple are extracting the urine?

667 replies

PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 15:55

I work mainly part-time, DH works off-shore. Two DC, no family nearby to help out but we manage. Our eldest DC is due to start Primary School and will only be in until noon for several weeks. To accommodate this I have used the majority of my annual leave or ensured that DH is home. Another couple who live locally and whose eldest DC will be starting school at the same time are now dropping heavy hints that we should help them out by collecting and looking after their child (This would be from noon until @5pm/or 3.30pm until @5pm when going in for full-days).

There has been no direct request (yet) but lots of 'it'll all work itself out' and 'we're all in the same boat' type comments Hmm. The DW of the couple has also commented to me that they could 'drop off their DC in the mornings' at another neighbour's house - a neighbour that otherwise they do not associate with or even speak to but who is a friend of mine.

The other couple are both Primary School teachers and have been off for the Summer Holidays (47 days) ...... so .... AIBU to think that the week before school term resumes in NOT the time to start thinking about childcare, far less make assumptions that other people should take up the slack?

OP posts:
Sandalwood · 23/08/2011 20:46

'and take her where?... love it.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/08/2011 20:48

POL what did say when your dh said 'and take her where?'

Just because she knows you are at home, it doesn't mean you have nothing else to do or are obligated in any way to do her child care for her.

I truly think the very best thing you could do here would be to say 'we don't want to look after any children other than our own. We want time together as a family when we are not working.' You don't have to say it in a nasty way, but I honestly think this will carry on for as long as you don't quietly and firmly state your position. They need to hear that you won't be open to persuasion.

You said up thread that the time will come when you are happy to do a one off, help them out bit of child care. I think there are some people who will see it as an invitation to take the piss again and then you will be back to square one.

Trust me POL, you really do have to say 'I don't want to'. that will leave them with no where to manoeuvre you.

2rebecca · 23/08/2011 20:48

I agree that it doesn't sound as though they have a child care problem. If they could afford a childminder before their youngest sprog started school then they can afford a childminder for fewer hours now they are both at school. This year should be cheaper than last year. I don't understand their problem. If the childminder doesn't want fewer hours surely there are nurseries around? I can't believe they are the only working couple in the area.

2rebecca · 23/08/2011 20:53

I agree with karmabeliever that you should introduce into the conversation somewhere how you are glad you aren't a childminder as you find looking after your own child hard enough work and don't want to look after someone else's.
Start suggesting she looks in the yellow pages for nurseries as well.
If she discusses "swaps" then "We're happy with the way things are thanks" and change the subject.
They need to start looking seriously for a childminder to take their kids to school and pick them up afterwards. Make this clear to them. It sounds as though it is gradually sinking in.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/08/2011 20:53

2rebecca, they just want the OP to do it , because the OP is their neighbour, so no pesky trips to the CM and the OP will be free, whereas the CM is not.

TheSkiingGardener · 23/08/2011 21:16

Yes, what did she reply to your DH!

She is getting desperate, she offered to pick up your DC for a few weeks in return for forever and ever! By her standards, that was generous ( by anyone else's it was v selfish, obviously)

Can we have a sweepstakes on tomorrow's tactics? I go for tears and despairing sobs.

KristinaM · 23/08/2011 21:21

my vote goes for

"we have told the children that they will have to go back to the child minder but they have refused point blank. DD sobbed herself to sleep last night, we are sick with worry. will you take them for a few week until we can find a new childminder / or until after the October week?"

warthog · 23/08/2011 21:26

what i don't understand about this is that it's not just pick-up is it?

it's taking them home, they'll be tired and fractious, giving them food, keeping them entertained until a parent fetches them at what - 5.30?

so 12 - 5.30 3 x a week? or 3.30 - 5.30?

youarekidding · 23/08/2011 21:30

I've been lurking laughing and cheering you on op

My vote goes to

tears and 'oh the CM has given us notice as she wants to take on a FT mindee as school hours only doesn't give her enough money'

fedupofnamechanging · 23/08/2011 21:30

POL, if the worst comes to the worst and these chancers have no childcare in place, one of them can always take emergency parental leave. It's what other people have to do when child care falls through. And for these two, they will have brought it on themselves because they are such piss takers.

2rebecca · 23/08/2011 21:30

I agree, there's no way I would have contemplated doing this on my days off. Having another child around to play occasionally is fine, I wouldn't want 1 or 2 other kids round every afternoon. It sounds awful. I also wouldn't want to take someone else's child to school every day, especially if no pay. Getting ready for school is hard enough.

DontGoCurly · 23/08/2011 21:30

Just become a broken record.

No. No. No. I don't want to.

Don't over explain or feel the need to fill in any awkward silences that follow. Just remain calm, firm and definite.

StealthPolarBear · 23/08/2011 21:31

If DW is a teacher, how come she was there for thhe 12 o clock pick up? I am Confused

fedupofnamechanging · 23/08/2011 21:40

There was another poster (wish I could recall their name), can't remember if they were on this thread or not, who said that every time you provide free childcare for a working parent, they are deriving economic benefit from the results of your unpaid labour. Obviously most of us would step in to help someone who'd been let down at the last minute, but that is not the case with these two - they just want free, convenient for them, child care.

POL, you are working your arse off this week, so you and dh can cover your own child care. Why the fuck should you do all this, so they can reap the benefits? It shows a huge lack of respect for your time, as if what you want is not important and they can just commandeer your time.

Stay strong.

StealthPolarBear · 23/08/2011 21:42

It was BranchingOut, and she is so right! You would be subsidising them, not doing them a favour - that's what you do when someoen genuinely struggles with childcare as a one off

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 23/08/2011 21:43

karmabeliever 'what did say ODW when your dh said 'and take DC1 where?'
I'm told that there was no reply (perhaps still stunned by recent demonstration of balls, real and imaginary). The only thing DH could have added was '(where?) the 400 yards back to our house?'.

I've read lots of stories here about similar experiences and took courage from them. Did we cave? No...IS a complete sentence, lesson learned.

So, having laid the, relevant, facts before you most learned, and damn clever MN's...I rest my case that I was NOT being unreasonable. Case Proven?

Wine Cheers

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 23/08/2011 21:48

Thanks Stealth

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 23/08/2011 21:57

go girl!

BranchingOut · 23/08/2011 21:57

That was me, karma believer! Hugely flattered by the quote :)

It is true...If mum X works a full day each week for all the years of primary school but doesn't have to offset that with the cost of childcare then that is a huge economic benefit. Think of it in terms of mortgage payments, interest or savings over the years.

Who do you want to give that economic benefit to? Fine, if you are giving support to a family member or a highly regarded friend, not so good if it is going to someone who is probably going to be barely sending you a Christmas card in ten years time.

Plus, you know it is not just about the collection, it is the tailing around school for the lost lunchboxes and jumpers, collecting their letters, passing on the messages from the other child's teacher....

Wabbit · 23/08/2011 22:00

Very well done Mr POL Smile can't believe this couple, still feel sorry for their DC

fedupofnamechanging · 23/08/2011 22:01

BranchingOut You expressed in one sentence, something that I've been trying to articulate for ages and failing to find the right words, so thanks.

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 23/08/2011 22:01

StealthPolarBear ...without wishing to sound like I am constantly trying to figure out the last,next, approach from X+X. I think ODW is having to use this time as an early lunch hour? If she is doing that, it means that she always could do it but couldn't be arsed with the bother of it all. Surely not.

I didn't like driving almost 500 miles in two days, on a crappy road that is notorious for accidents - but I did because it's the only way I can make sure that either DH or I can collect DC1 when needed.

OP posts:
AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome · 23/08/2011 22:01

DS1's best friend's parents are monumental piss takers and I got sucked in for a time until they spectacularly overstepped the mark one day (6hrs late, not answering phone, had to take kids round to theirs to find them 'just having a bit of a chill' before they came to get him Angry) and thankfully a whopping pair of cajones suddenly dropped from my pelvic cavity and it suddenly wasn't hard to say no after all.

However, the boys are still great friends so I still have him over for tea on a not as regular basis as I would if they weren't utter chancers and they, without fail, take the piss. I accept it though as I don't see why the children should be punished for the adults misbehaviour but I am now uncharacteristically blunt with them when making arrangements i.e. "I'll drop him round at 5, if your not there, I'll leave him with a neighbour" (I wouldn't do this, but they have often, quite suddenly been delayed/called away 10 mins before drop off and it has thankfully stopped this) and I point blank refused to help with wrap-around care. No reason given, just "No I don't want that responsibility".

My point is, is that they won't change so you just have to be firm with yourselves about what your willing to put up with and then be unwavering with them.

Tanith · 23/08/2011 22:02

I'm guessing that either she'd let the place at the CMs go and had to grovel for it back, by which time the CM had another pickup or commitment so couldn't manage this one
or
she knows that the CM will have to charge for a full day place if she drops off and picks up because the child is under 5 and not yet in full time education, so she's doing it herself (or pressganging neighbours into doing it for her) in order to save money.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 23/08/2011 22:06

2rebecca If they can drop their child off at your house at 8.30 why can't they drop her off at school then and she just play in the playground for 20 minutes until the other kids arrive. Surely some other kids will be there too? I don't get why they need someone to drop her off.

Are you serious?! The kid is 4!!!!

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