Fed up with boys in women's changing rooms at pool

[Clary]

Not really AIBU, more may I rant please?

Actually wrote longer post then seem to have lost it, but wanted to moan about number of big lads I have spotted lately in women's changing rooms at pool. Rule is 8yo and over go in correct sex room.

I tend to say nothing having been verbally attacked before, and also told I W A bit U; but today I did query it with a woman and was told such nonsense as "they won't let them go in the men's as they are too young" (they were 9 and 10) and "nobody uses the men's anyway" (??!!).

Told the staff and they said they would tell the women when she came out; but really, why do people think their 10yo boy must change in the women's? What 10yo boywants to anyway? I am not mad about him standing there as I get changed and if I were a 14yo girl I would probably be very unhappy.

The woman today said "well, all the mums will be washing their kids after the swim" eh?? My 8yo can be a bit hopeless but even he can manage a reasonable shower and dress deal. What is the matter with people?

And breathe. Vent over, thanks for listening

SquishyCinnamonSwirls (love the name BTW), can you not ask the parents? Presumably, though, you are childminding under 8s who can go in the same changing room anyway? If not then presumably the parents can give consent? I was asked to give consent for my two DCs to play out on the road unsupervised when they went to a child minder.

Sardinequeen

Whatever the cut off point is IME the attitudes of others and my being fed up with feeling like I must explain my sons SN to strangers has put me off already and he's only 8.

Im sure if he were in a wheelchair no one would bat an eyelid, thats the kind of disability that gets the 'aah poor thing' response.

Hidden disabilities dont get that, by those that are clueless they get the judgy response.

I don't like mixed changing rooms.
Call me sexist but I really don't want to share showers, toilets etc with men who I find on the whole a lot less interested in personal hygiene than women. I know there are exceptions, but speaking from my own experience I don't think men take as much interest and care in such issues as the majority of women do.
My dh verifies this and says that the majority of men do not wash their hands after using the toilet.
Anyway, I think 8 is ok to be in the opposite sex changing room, but definately by 10 boys should be in the mens and girls in the womens. They should also be in a cubicle with the door closed.

merrymouse

"What about said females getting over themselves?"

I think that is really harsh. If you allow males of any age into the womens changing because of SN that will put an awful lot of females of all ages off going swimming. Women just aren't expecting there to be men in there.

I think it would be better to campaign for better facilities, rather than have a situation where there are two changing rooms - one for men, and one for men with SN and the women and girls all sitting at home.

amberleaf - Hidden disabilities that would mean taking a child older than 8 into a same sex changing room would be obvious. The boy I have taken into a ladies changing room when older than 8 was autistic and it was obvious to everyone within 5 minutes of us being in there.

For example, I had to tell him what to do next e.g. try drying your arms or here's your t-shirt - can you lift up your arms.

If DC don't need help because of SN, then they shouldn't be in there even if they have SN. Some SN children are perfectly capable of getting dried and dressed alone.

Lesley my son is severely autistic (12, non-verbal, limited independence) and he certainly doesn't appear to be obvious to a lot of people given the idiotic comments he gets every day.

I can't imagine the hysterical response if I took him into our female changing rooms (with cubicles).

Then the issue is for the council to provide adequate changing facilities for those who require their older child to change with them, Amber, not for women (or men) to have their privacy compromised.

Some people do not want to get changed, dry themselves, etc. in the prescence of a 10-year-old of the opposite sex, no matter what.

Sardine - how about you campaigning for better facilities? I am currently dealing with severe autism and taking on the local authority who are slashing his care package (well they're trying but acting illegally so not getting far). I really don't have the energy to fight for more pool access for my son.

Indeed lachesis.

You can't compromise the feelings of all women and girls who are changing. But you can lobby local councils, write to newspapers etc to get better changing facilities so everyone can use them and feel at ease.

What would actually happen if I kicked off about lack of access (and I know this because one mum did in a different area) is that the pool would make more disabled sessions so you'd lose more public swimming time.

Personally I think making both sets of changing rooms unisex would be - better - given there are plenty of cubicles in both.

Perhaps you'd like to do that lucrezia?

The mixed changing areas I've been in have always had separate toilets, muminthemiddle.

In our council, it was done when the facility was rennovated after people (including me) lobbied for all enclosed cubicles. Problem solved.

I agree that changing rooms should be all unisex with cubicles, family cubicles and open changing.

Most new ones are but older ones not .

Ds is 8 early next year. no way will he be ready to go into a changing room on his own for a while yet.

Dd is almost 10 and is on the verge of being able to do so.

Then again I would never go swimming in a place where there were not individual cubicles available.

Ds does go to lessons at his school pool with no individual cubicles and will next year change alone there but it is only children swimming and there are usually plenty of Dads who he knows with kids in the same class who would help.

saintly are you really suggesting that the default should be males of whatever age in the women's, and if women and girls don't like that they must campaign against it?

So the needs of a few men outweigh the needs of all of the women and girls in the area?

Around here it is all cubicles anyway so I don't know what exactly it is you want me to do TBH.

I find it really sad that time and time again the needs of women and girls are pushed aside in favour of men and boys.

In this case all women and girls for the sake of a small number of men and boys with SN.

Why do males always have to come first?

I think 8 is far too young a blanket age. The rule should be aged 10 and above in their own sex changing room. At 9 there it is still borderline.

"What would actually happen if I kicked off about lack of access (and I know this because one mum did in a different area) is that the pool would make more disabled sessions so you'd lose more public swimming time."

What's wrong with that?

SQ, absolutely what I was thinking.
If my 6 year old ( who is slightly eccentric and probably would be labelled as something) can cope without me in the mens, then I'm damn sure a " normal" 8 year old can!

lachesis you were lucky. Total renovation - which councils are not exactly likely to start at the moment - makes many things possible which otherwise are not.

I feel that I may be banging my head against a brick wall here: but if you create cubicles you lose space. My club has benches and lockers (in the men's area; as the building is symmetrical I expect the women's is the same) and if you created cubicles it would become very crowded at busy times. It can't be done. It must stay as it is. And that is why children over the stated age must go into the appropriate area and parents must just cope.

There is indeed a route from poolside to carpark bypassing both changing areas which would allow for those who wanted to take their children in swimming gear under day-clothes and out to sit on a towel in the car. But you are supposed to shower (regardless of age, gender, or SN, and very right too) before entering the water which would require a same-sex parent or responsible adult for a child who could not manage alone.

Tough on some parents, I know, but allowing older children into the opposite-sex changing room in breach of the very reasonable rules is simply not an alternative.

'Personally I think making both sets of changing rooms unisex would be - better - given there are plenty of cubicles in both.'

Then just make it all unisex, all cubicles. That is what our council did. Better for everyone.

There are also people from certain cultures and ethnicities who will never feel comfortable changing in front of someone of the opposite sex to whom they are not married.

Andrew, I agree.

Being able to cope in a changing room is also a skill children at 8 need to learn.

Lachesis, yes.

But hey, those silly women should just get over it

"I find it really sad that time and time again the needs of women and girls are pushed aside in favour of men and boys"

did you miss Andrewofgg making the same comments about girls in the male changing rooms?

The reason this comes up as about boys in the female changing rooms is because we are mostly women here and thus this is the side we SE.
In reality, the issue is that there is a lack appropriate family changing.