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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with boys in women's changing rooms at pool

632 replies

Clary · 16/08/2011 00:40

Not really AIBU, more may I rant please?

Actually wrote longer post then seem to have lost it, but wanted to moan about number of big lads I have spotted lately in women's changing rooms at pool. Rule is 8yo and over go in correct sex room.

I tend to say nothing having been verbally attacked before, and also told I W A bit U; but today I did query it with a woman and was told such nonsense as "they won't let them go in the men's as they are too young" (they were 9 and 10) and "nobody uses the men's anyway" (??!!).

Told the staff and they said they would tell the women when she came out; but really, why do people think their 10yo boy must change in the women's? What 10yo boywants to anyway? I am not mad about him standing there as I get changed and if I were a 14yo girl I would probably be very unhappy.

The woman today said "well, all the mums will be washing their kids after the swim" eh?? My 8yo can be a bit hopeless but even he can manage a reasonable shower and dress deal. What is the matter with people?

And breathe. Vent over, thanks for listening Smile

OP posts:
ledkr · 17/08/2011 15:16

"its not haqrd to change under a towell" Its is if you have a baby to watch at the same time,it is also very hard for a young girl to do on her own. My dd goes in alone when swims with her dad,she has been in there from aged 7 managing to shower dry and dress and has been upset a few times that older boys have been in there staring at her who she will have to see at school the next day.Why should she struggle under a towell just so that wimpy boys can be dried and dressed by their Mummy?

PencilCaseBlue · 17/08/2011 15:20

Wow, We have never really faced this problem at our (NOT private) pool

We have

  • Communal unisex individual cubicles (probably more then 30)
  • Female changing room
- Male changing room - About 6 family changing cubicles (with nappy changing facilities and disabled chair)

We seem to manage, if you are worried that little PFB Jeremy cannot be alone getting changed then people use the family changing cubicles.

Hmmmmmmm I wonder whether if the family cubicles were available, whether Mums and the ohh so precious 9 yr would change together? Or, would the 9 yr go in their own cubicle, if there were no female changing rooms?

CardyMow · 17/08/2011 15:27

My almost 8yo has a TA to help him change before & after PE. There IS no other pool for me to take the dc to, it's this one or none. So if there's no cubicles, there's nothing I can do. I can't get him dried and changed in the toilets - I can't leave my 6mo baby alone to do so, and I can't fit the pram in the loo. I can't 'take him home in a dressing gown' - I have 2 buses to catch to GET there, and 2 to get home.

So is he supposed to never go swimming with us? If that was the case, NONE of us could go, it's not like I can leave him at home alone FGS.

toobreathless · 17/08/2011 15:39

Really feel for you Loudlass.

Andrewofgg · 17/08/2011 15:41

Feel for you too, Loudlass, but in my club pool I don't want you there when I've got my togs off. And we don't have any SN sessions - or men-only or women-only sessions either.

saintlyjimjams · 17/08/2011 16:44

Andrew - how inclusive your club sounds. It is also breaking the dda if not providing changing facilities for people with disabilities. Maybe someday someone will challenge that and facilities will be provided? I'm sure they'll be able to count on your support.

Loudlass just carry on going ime people don't start to complain until the child is about 10 or something anyway. Or just tell them he's 7. In the meantime raise it with the pool/la and ask what access arrangements there are for those such as your son. Ask them to bear in mind the DDA. Of course it shouldn't have to be this difficult but a quick email usually makes them at least think about the issue.

exoticfruits · 17/08/2011 17:22

The people who are saying the OP is unreasonable what would you think if a 10 year old girl was in the male changing room with her father?

Of course it isn't isn't -you would hope the 10yr old girl would say 'don't be silly daddy' and disappear into the ladies. I would have wanted the floor to swallow me up in embarrassment if my father had tried to take me into the men's changing room with him and my brothers -and can't see why he would need to.

I can't think of any boys over 8 who would want to change in the Ladies. I therefore assume they are there for a particular reason- hidden disability etc

Although I can't think of a reason that boys over 8yrs would want to change in the ladies I know for a fact that many do not have hidden disabilities-the only disability they have (not hidden) is an over protective mother.

exoticfruits · 17/08/2011 17:25

I think that SN is a different issue and they have every right to go swimming-pools should make sure they have changing facilities, in the same way that they have to provide wheelchair access-as matter of course.

G1nger · 17/08/2011 17:31

I was in a coffee shop female toilets a while ago, when a boy - 7 or 8- came in by himself and used them. Cheeky bloody thing.... He was very polite though.

exoticfruits · 17/08/2011 17:35

I would have said 'I'm sorry-you are in the wrong loos-the gents are next door'.

Andrewofgg · 17/08/2011 17:38

Saintly for reasons I won't go into - but which are lawful - the SN issue does not arise in the club I use. So it is a red herring for us, and I repeat that I don't want women or older girls around while I undress or shower.

G1nger · 17/08/2011 17:41

I will do next time. I was too busy running a 'should I say something?' dialogue in my head...

mrz · 17/08/2011 17:46

exoticfruits I would hope a ten year old boy would say "don't be silly mummy" too

exoticfruits · 17/08/2011 17:53

I think they are less likely mrz-this is why women have problems with MIL-she is the first person to stand up to them!
There is no way I would have got my DSs over 7yrs to come into the ladies changing rooms-I really don't know why they put up with it!

exoticfruits · 17/08/2011 17:54

I actually loved the fact they were all boys and I could get changed in peace and meet them outside!

foreverondiet · 17/08/2011 18:18

Surely there can be a solution, eg at my gym there is a big disabled toilet off the lobby, an older boy could get changed in there with him mums help and then ask a male member of staff to accompany him to the pool to meet his mum. Ok might mean showers would have to be at home but I would feel uncomfortable getting changed with him in the changing areas and I think thats reasonable.

My friend has a 7 year old DS and is "terrified" about him being abducted in the mens changing room. I think she is mad and I said my DS (only 5) would go in with him, safety in numbers. She also has a 6 year old DS so its not even as if he'd be in there alone. My DD is the same age and changes on her own if she goes with DH. She doesn't want to go into the mens changing room and I don't blame her!

Meanwhile there are big signs up in the changing rooms (virgin active) about being arrested and banned for inappropriate behavior in sauna and steam which to me means that they have had problems with those in same sex relationships, so maybe can see a bit where the protective mothers are coming from.

mrz · 17/08/2011 18:23

exoticfruits my son would have been horrified at the idea of getting changed in the ladies changing room

mrz · 17/08/2011 18:24

oh and he is ASD

CardyMow · 17/08/2011 18:40

mrz - That's as may be, but there is NO sn swimming session, and for DS2, he doesn't just have asd, he also has muscle problems AND chronic asthma - and swimming is the ONLY exercise he can do, as his joints have to be supported by the water. He CANNOT dress himself, or dry himself, I am trying to teach him, but it's a slow process, he has a TA to help with swimming at school - female, in the ladies changing rooms - as there are no male TA's there.

Should he just not exercise AT ALL when there are TWO two hour ladies only sessions at the pool, but no SN one - because "we'd lose too much revenue" ? Surely if ladies have a problem with him being in there on a saturday afternoon, they could go to the two hour session on a saturday morning that is ladies only? Why should I care about their discomfort when thye wouldn't care about DS2 NEVER getting any exercise?

CardyMow · 17/08/2011 18:41

And I'm NOT 'overprotective' - DS1 has been changing in the men's changing room alone since he was 7yo, but he is NT, and doesn't NEED my help.

mrz · 17/08/2011 18:43

Loudlass the situation wouldn't arise as we don't have communal changing rooms just nice discrete cubicles but he would have had a meltdown if he had to change with "ladies" looking.

TheHumanCatapult · 17/08/2011 18:52

I can see both sides .I have a 8year old DD who is reaching age where she seem to eb more aware of getting chnaged in front of boys etc .But then do have ason with sn who is turned 6 who could not masnge on his own now or in a couple of years .Luckily in some ways he is so small looks about 2 so no one has said anything

but yes I cna only use communal changing areas or a disabled cubicle ( ds3 nees it but so do i as am wheelchair user) so honestly not ust blocking it becuase wnat privacy

CardyMow · 17/08/2011 20:17

I'm dreading this becoming an issue, DS2 is as tall as most 10yo's NOW, and he's not 8yo till November. I am starting to get Hmm faces occasionally. It's not MY fault there's only benches, and no cubicles, is it?

mrz · 17/08/2011 20:20

It's not your fault it is the council's fault!

netherlee · 17/08/2011 20:24

At our pool they have family changing areas if any child over 5 (or disabled adult for that matter) needs to stay with an opposite sex adult. Can you suggest something like this.

The situation described is unacceptable and easily avoided.