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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with boys in women's changing rooms at pool

632 replies

Clary · 16/08/2011 00:40

Not really AIBU, more may I rant please?

Actually wrote longer post then seem to have lost it, but wanted to moan about number of big lads I have spotted lately in women's changing rooms at pool. Rule is 8yo and over go in correct sex room.

I tend to say nothing having been verbally attacked before, and also told I W A bit U; but today I did query it with a woman and was told such nonsense as "they won't let them go in the men's as they are too young" (they were 9 and 10) and "nobody uses the men's anyway" (??!!).

Told the staff and they said they would tell the women when she came out; but really, why do people think their 10yo boy must change in the women's? What 10yo boywants to anyway? I am not mad about him standing there as I get changed and if I were a 14yo girl I would probably be very unhappy.

The woman today said "well, all the mums will be washing their kids after the swim" eh?? My 8yo can be a bit hopeless but even he can manage a reasonable shower and dress deal. What is the matter with people?

And breathe. Vent over, thanks for listening Smile

OP posts:
MollyMurphy · 16/08/2011 17:40

It would be nice to see more family/mixed gender change rooms where this wouldn't be an issue. As is, unless the child has a disability/special need - I think 9 is too old to be in the women only change room.

lesley33 · 16/08/2011 17:43

saintly - I did say that you posted explanations that made sense of why you couldn't take up the solutions people suggested.

I was responding to your complaint that nobody was interested in helping you to find a solution. That was not true. A number of people suggested solutions - the fact that they were of no use to you, does not take away from the fact that people did try.

TBH I would personally have no problem dressing/undressing in front of a man with severe autism. But I would have a problem in front of a man with mild to moderate moderate learning difficulties who would be perfectly aware of women's bodies.

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 17:43

Do we have to do this:

I said this

"I for example am a bit disabled, but not disabled enough to join in with activities specifically for people with disabilities.

As a result there is very little I can do in the way of activities apart from swimming and walking (and I consider myself lucky to be able to do those). But I love dancing and music, and most of my friends do / have done all sorts of dancing things in the evening or aerobics with music at the gym or even yoga and stuff. All of that is closed to me and it feels like a shame. I sometimes think maybe I should start something but I don't have the time and where would you start?"

And was told this:

"Sardine- I think there is a huge difference between being a little bit disabled and so unable to do a few activities you wouldn't do anyway and being severely disabled so pretty much unable to go out. If I stopped to consider other people's reactions to ds1 i wouldn't go out at all. Now whike I wouldn't take him to a posh restaurant (he woukdn't like it anyway) I will on rare occasions take him to a pub and other people can get stuffed if they don't like it. He does actually have as much right as anyone else to be there hard though that concept seems to be to some.

Likes swimming - I come from the angle he should actually have the right to accesss as much swimming time as any other child in our council. Not more, not less, the same. I think it is wrong that he cannot and I believe the council should have provided a solution. I don't care less what the solution is as long as it isn't humiliating to him."

So basically I must suck it up , even though that leaves me with just walking. I just don't understand this attitude, I'm really strugging with it.

I get that people love their children and want the best for them. I get that facilities for people with disabilities and access are pretty poor or non-existent a lot of the time. I do not get the desire to worsen things for lots of people to improve things for one. I don't get it. I would never insist that people changed their things so that I could do them. I have swimming and walking. I would love to be able to do more but it's not possible. I see that as my problem - if I want something I should start something or lobby or something. I don't want people who already do stuff to have their thing stopped just for me.

Pagwatch · 16/08/2011 17:45

Well of course you must keep saying it if it you feel strongly about it.

But it will continue to muddy the waters slightly if you keep saying it to people like me who have never held or argued that position. Because it implies most or all of us with dc with sn share that view.And it will cause me to keep arguing that most of us with children with sn simply want access to the pool and have no wish to inhibit anyone else.
Which becomes a bit circular and dull I suspect.

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 17:45

Or do people really believe that having swimming and walking as activities is terribly spoiled and losing one of them is no problem.

I don't get this "probably won't do it anyway" thing either.

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 17:46

So saintly maybe I should ask you what you meant by your post.

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 17:49

I do feel strongly about it and the two posters who suggested that they would like it have not retracted that view or clarified their position. As long as they hold that view I am going to keep disagreeing.

I just don't understand why people hold that view and the two posters in question have not explained why they think it is OK past that their DC are not interested in women.

Pagwatch · 16/08/2011 17:50

And ignores that the current reality is that it is my son who sucks it up.

He also has only swimming or walking.

Tbh I am finding your attitude about him upsetting.

You have status quo. My son cannot swim. You can.

The idea (which I have rejected in support of your needs) that maybe he could swim and you couldn't is incomprehensible to you.....you simply can't understand it.

Can you not see any contradiction there at all?

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 17:54

I have offered that there are women only sessions and the rest of the time males are allowed in the female changing rooms.

What's wrong with that? I have suggested it about 3 times but no-one has commented.

Even a couple of hours a week would be oK

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 17:55

Offered Hmm suggested rather

Sorry trying to cook

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 17:57

Then people who felt uncomfortable with men in the communal changing rooms would be able to go at those times.

MuddlingMackem · 16/08/2011 18:00

saintlyjimjams Tue 16-Aug-11 17:11:02

Actually that doesn't work muddling as my friend's dd will not go to the disabled session.

Namechangeoshame · 16/08/2011 18:05

But surely most pools already have women only sessions? I know I'm in inner London but surely it isn't purely a metropolitan frippery?

merrymouse · 16/08/2011 18:06

I agree that swimming is the best exercise option for many people. However, I think that for people without families, there are usually quite a few options to avoid swimming with children altogether, e.g. early bird, after children's bedtime, during the day in term time.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a session or two that are women only - this was certainly the norm when I lived in Leicester.

G1nger · 16/08/2011 18:26

Personally, I'll get back onto this topic when I can be sure my local swimming pool will stop letting people smoke crack on their facilities. Now wouldn't that be nice.

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 18:35

Phew so that's agreed then!

Women's changing rooms and men's changing rooms are opened up to people of the opposite sex if they have a disability.

There will be men only and women only sessions so that people who are not comfortable with that can go at those times.

That wasn't so hard, was it!

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 18:39

"The idea (which I have rejected in support of your needs) that maybe he could swim and you couldn't is incomprehensible to you.....you simply can't understand it."

Well, no. It's not some peculiarity of mine that I would not want to get undressed in front of older boys and men.

So it is more like: The idea that maybe he could swim and a very large number of female pool users couldn't is simply incomprehensible to you... you simply can'y understand it.

No, I simply can't understand it, that's true.

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 18:41

In fact you could open the changing rooms up to people of the opposite sex full stop. That would be preferable as a. how do people know whether someone has a disability or not, it wouldn't work and b. it would make the helicopter parents happy.

Job done!

SardineQueen · 16/08/2011 18:46

Hmm maybe better to open them up entirely to people of the opposite sex if accompanied by someone of the "right" sex.

Yes?

exoticfruits · 16/08/2011 19:07

Sorry-I missed the fact he was autistic. I think SN are quite different.
I am sure OP is talking about normal DSs and there is no reason whatsoever for them not to abide to the under 8 rule.
At 9 and 10 they can swim on their own-I used to drop them off at holiday sessions and pick them up at the end. They couldn't (even if they had wanted to) go into the ladies when I wasn't even on the premises .
I would have thought that 9yr olds would have died with embarrassment in the ladies, in case anyone they knew saw them. (I am not talking about SN)

Pagwatch · 16/08/2011 19:10

Actually no sardine as I have not advocated anything of the sort.

Do you think you could possibly remember that. I have not suggested he use the womens area. He does not go because I won't do that.
So references like 'it's a peculiarity of mine that I won't get undressed ..etc' are nice and sarky but not the slightest bit relevant.

My only issue with you is that you keep posting how absoloutely awful it would be if you could not swim. How outrageous that anyone would take away swimming from you when you can only walk or swim

You do not seem the slightest bit bothered that he is in exactly the same position and can't.

It is your total lack of any empathy for his situation that I find staggering. And given that he has autism my tolerance for poor empathy is really quite high

And fwiw you have no idea how many children with sn would like to swim and can't because they currently can't. None of his classmates can swim either and there are 8 of them and all are able to if they could just access it. But 14 and sn you are pretty screwed.

exoticfruits · 16/08/2011 19:12

I don't understand the idea of women only sessions. I was talking about going with DCs of both sexes and I don't want DSs in the ladies, when mine are in the mens. How can women go swimming with DCs if it is a ladies only session? What about the many grandmothers who are taking grandchildren swimming in the holidays? How can they go to women only?
It is all so simple, men in the mens, women in the womens and DCs over 8 in the appropriate changing room-something the swimming pool has already arranged -but some women think they and their DCs are above the rules. (not talking about SN)

exoticfruits · 16/08/2011 19:15

I do think that swimming and SN needs another thread-it is obviously a problem that need solving-urgently. OP wasn't talking about SN. I have no objection to SN, of any age, being in the ladies.

Pagwatch · 16/08/2011 19:17

Oh, exotic - when I build my swimming pool you can come swim with me and ds2...

Namechangeoshame · 16/08/2011 19:17

Women only sessions are for women and girls who are not comfortable with being seen by men while wearing swimming costumes - as an added bonus they should guarantee that there will not be any males of any age in the changing room. They are normally held in the evening, so not much help to mothers who want to take their children.