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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son shouldn't be denied food? :(

146 replies

LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 18:13

Background to this is that I used to have a pretty awful eating disorder. With very little help, especially professional help, I have overcome this in the most part. However I do still really struggle to eat around other people. I am getting better at this, about this time last year I just couldn't eat in company at all, I thought I would choke and the thought of it made me panic completely. Now I can as long as I feel safe to which is pretty much determined by the food being easy to eat and familiar and being around people who don't know about the eating disorder, or if they do, that they make it feel okay. I am trying to get over this, I don't enjoy not being able to eat socially with ease.

Second bit of background is that it is only my bestfriend (and a few 'virtual friends' I met on 'pro ana' sites) who know the full extent of the eating disorder and the crap stuff in my life that kind of went with it. The best friend has generally been pretty amazing and supportive and put up with me sometimes being a real moron due to the weird way my head works.

Last night we both went out with another friend to Cafe Rouge. Her husband very kindly baby sat for my two. I ate about 2/3s of a bowl of chips before they went cold anyway. Chips are safe for me to eat and it was fine. We also had 2 bottles of wine between the 3 of us, my best friend only had one glass as she was driving, so I did have quite a bit to drink and was drunk but not stupidly so. Had a lovely evening anyway. In the car going back to her house she was asking if I set out to get drunk having only eaten 'a few chips'. I had got a little more drunk than I intended, but I wasn't OTT I don't think!

I slept over at the bestfriend's house and today it was her DH's birthday. We were going to leave before his family arrived but he DH very kindly said he would like us to stay.

First issue with food was this morning when I asked if DS and DD could have some breakfast, and a big issue was made about it being normal to have breakfast and how I should and I just felt totally got at.

Then bestfriend's DH's family arrived and we all went to the beach, both of my children swam and got quite cold. On the way back I bought chocolate and drinks for my two and her two children, as well as 8 beers, and bread and dips as my contribution to the food (all in all costing about £15 and being a bit of a mission around 3 different badly-stocked shops!).

All the adults were eating first, I didn't feel at ease at all for no real reason, so I just had a few crisps. Then people had cake and although the children hadn't eaten DD had two slices of cake. I asked if DS (aged 9) could have something to eat and my friend just said that he could have some cake, but he didn't want it because it had cream on it which makes him ill. So she said "Well, he can eat with you when you get home". I was so pissed off that I left immediately. On the way out I told her that was really mean to not let him have anything to eat, and she said it wasn't mean, and that she has been trying to get me to eat normally for ages. That may be so, and I do feel guilty for leaving her DH's birthday in a minor strop, but it seems totally unfair that DS was denied any food. As soon as we got in the car he said he was hungry and I am at home feeding him now, feeling bad that I seemingly pissed off my best friend, but also pissed off that DS was punished for something that I did, and that I struggle with.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP posts:

pictish · 16/08/2011 11:42

Listen OP...I think your friend had enough on her plate, with you staying over the night before and her dh's family arriving for a birthday celebration the very next day.
Her dh invited you to stay on for the party....that's because he is most likely not the one running around being the hostess, tidying up, providing food, and plastering on a sociable smile for everyone.
Your friend didn't invite you to stay on....she had already done her slot with you....now it was on to the next task.

Without taking it personally, I think you outstayed your welcome regards your friend. By your own admission, you are hard going at times.....and it sounds to me like she is a good friend. I think she did not deliberately deny your son food....I think she was slightly dismissive because she had other things on her mind, had another set of people to entertain, and had planned and organised for that. You WERE extra - and she didn't ask you to be there....iyswim?

You were wrong to flounce out in a cream puff - she had other things to do, yet you made it all about you - when really, you weren't even in the equation in the first place. I have no idea why your eating disorder should have any bearing on her dh's family birthday celebration. You are reading way too much into it.

I think you should apologise to her.

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 11:42

Probably am overreacting. But pissed off that my DS couldn't have anything to eat all the same - that I was told he could eat when we get home. And yes, I was aware that is basically saying it is time to go, but as that is not her usual style for that it only added to the general :(

OP posts:

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 11:44

And I have apologised to her, I know I didn't handle it all very well.

OP posts:

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 11:54

She has replied that I could have got him something to eat. I think it was just me overreacting with my wierd logic, but that doesn't actually make me feel any better :(

OP posts:

Morloth · 16/08/2011 12:00

I don't think anything is going to make you feel better because you have decided to make this big. There you go, it was a misunderstanding, no biggy.

pictish · 16/08/2011 12:03

Well you can move on from it, or navel gaze forever more and make a huge thing out of it. It's up to you.

Think of it this way....you managed to turn an occasion that was nothing to do with you, and on which you were kindly invited to partake, into being about you, your son and your eating disorder.

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 12:07

I know, I need to get over it :) I don't think the situation was turned into being about me, other than my friend very briefly knowing about this I don't think I made the occasion about me.

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 16/08/2011 12:10

I agree with you...I don't think you did make it about you and I am glad you have started to talk to her.

I think it shows you have a way to go with the ED, but I think you know that anyway

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 12:14

Thank you MC.

OP posts:

bonkers20 · 16/08/2011 12:18

All very confusing. It's clear that your background clouds the way you behave around others, both with regards to your own children and other adults. I think you know that and are making efforts to understand and rectify your behaviour (hopefully some replies on here have helped you to see what's "normal").

I can't imagine to begin to understand how you feel, but I suppose if I know I am to be in a situation which might make me feel out of control, taking measures to ensure I don't get out of my depth really helps. So if you're out and about with your children make sure you know in advance what the meal arrangements are. Ideally, it's nice to be spontaneous, but it doesn't sound like you're able to do that yet.

You also need to talk to your friend so that she might better understand that you're a bit lost when it comes to appropriate behaviour at social gatherings and that you feel vulnerable yourself but very protective towards your children.

She sounds like a good friend, but you do need to keep talking to her.

pictish · 16/08/2011 12:26

Sorry - I didn't mean that you made a drama at the time (although by leaving in the huff, you kinda did), I more meant in your own head.

You have to let this one drop now. It was a misunderstanding that occurred while your friend was busy and distracted. Please don't take it so badly.

Good luck xx

ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 12:26

Bloody hell - you are getting some nasty replies - other than the fact it's a Monday of the school holidays - I can't see why??

You didn't do anything wrong

Your friend was rude, nasty, spiteful and behaved badly.

You have (unnecessarily) apologised, let it go for now, but when you next see her explain to her that you are very grateful for the support you do get and that anytime she has something she needs to say she should say it (to you privately), but that you were really upset at your children being 'used' in this way and that it's hurtful and not helpful.

Take your ED out of it - read the post without that and it is still your friend who was out of line, not you.

Highlander · 16/08/2011 12:36

likeandlove, I have a friend with a history of anorexia, and I can understand some the, frankly, cruel posts that you are a diva/hard work etc.

You have a mental health problem that sounds like you are coping very, very well with. Of course there will always be 'triggers' that present you with a stressful/unusual situation where you're not sure how to behave, and it may appear that you are being a bit awkward.

My friend is very Frank about what makes her uncomfortable, and when she needs support - usually in a crowd where girls are making a deal out of her not eating pudding. I know to help her out, as mind often goes blank as to what the right thing to do is.

I'm sorry you had an awkward time. Maybe some flowers for your friend? The path of good friendship is often rocky!!

Highlander · 16/08/2011 12:37

Sorry, should read 'her mind often goes blank'......

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 12:45

She has said that she shouldn't try so hard, so I suppose she was just trying to help, and she said I should have stayed put. So it is all okay, but it is true that I have some more work to do on getting over my fucked up little remnents of an ED.
Highlander - that is exactly how I feel in food situations, my mind does just go blank about what the right thing is to do, so that usually I end up doing nothing at all (not eating).

OP posts:

PercyFilth · 16/08/2011 13:42

I think people have reacted to the language used in your OP, that your son was "denied" food and "punished". Does seem a grossly exaggerated description of the events.

You said you weren't at ease with eating in company. Since the adults were eating separately from, and before the children, it seems to me that, in your situation, the right time to go home was after returning from the beach and before anyone started eating. Then you could have fed your kids and eaten whatever and whenever you wanted to.

balia · 16/08/2011 18:59

My sympathy, OP, dealing with MH issues is very difficult and stressful, specially in unplanned situations. However, you might find things a lot easier if you don't 'fib' to cover up the issues. People are generally very understanding and accomodating if you are upfront with them - and you won't be putting your friend in a difficult situation of having to lie or contradict you in front of her DH and family.

ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 19:09

Balia - I don't agree, we all tell little social 'lies' - telling them about her ED could be very stressful and unnecessary. The inlaws asked why she wasn't eating - it was a social question and did not require full honesty which would have just made everyone more uncomfortable.

balia · 16/08/2011 19:57

Just a suggestion from my own experience, Chipping, of being in the friend's position. It makes me very uncomfortable to have to go along with someone else's lies, and it can get very frustrating trying to support someone with MH issues. Although I don't think the friend was behaving particularly well this time, her behaviour looks more like someone who is genuinely concerned about OP's eating problems and is at the end of her tether trying to help.

I also wasn't necessarily thinking about this situation specifically, but making a general point that lying confirms the idea that this is somehow shameful? If OP had, for example, diabetes, would you think other people would be made uncomfortable if they had asked about food issues and been briefly made aware of the condition?

solidgoldbrass · 18/08/2011 20:26

I do think that the friend was just a bit snappy because she had nothing left to give the OP (emotionally or otherwise) on that particular day.
OP it's not your fault that you have an eating disorder, but you must persist with getting outside help for it. EDs are awful, and almost impossible to overcome alone - and the trouble with trying to overcome them alone is that you don't actually do it alone - your friends and family end up having to monitor your behaviour, make allowances, make exceptions, all with no professional training and for no pay. This means that sometimes they become impatient, because their lives do not actually revolve around you and your mental health issues.
The best thing to do about this particular situation is to let it go. It would be a shame to dump your friend over it as, basically, neither of you comes out of it looking like either victim or villain. You were distressed because of your ED and then you flounced off in a sulk. She was stressed sorting out a family party and didn't need to have to deal with your ED on top of it, so spoke a bit more sharply to you than she might otherwise have done.
Let it go.

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 18/08/2011 21:23

It has been 'let go' :)

Thanks for all the advice, it has been really helpful.

OP posts:

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