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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my son shouldn't be denied food? :(

146 replies

LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 18:13

Background to this is that I used to have a pretty awful eating disorder. With very little help, especially professional help, I have overcome this in the most part. However I do still really struggle to eat around other people. I am getting better at this, about this time last year I just couldn't eat in company at all, I thought I would choke and the thought of it made me panic completely. Now I can as long as I feel safe to which is pretty much determined by the food being easy to eat and familiar and being around people who don't know about the eating disorder, or if they do, that they make it feel okay. I am trying to get over this, I don't enjoy not being able to eat socially with ease.

Second bit of background is that it is only my bestfriend (and a few 'virtual friends' I met on 'pro ana' sites) who know the full extent of the eating disorder and the crap stuff in my life that kind of went with it. The best friend has generally been pretty amazing and supportive and put up with me sometimes being a real moron due to the weird way my head works.

Last night we both went out with another friend to Cafe Rouge. Her husband very kindly baby sat for my two. I ate about 2/3s of a bowl of chips before they went cold anyway. Chips are safe for me to eat and it was fine. We also had 2 bottles of wine between the 3 of us, my best friend only had one glass as she was driving, so I did have quite a bit to drink and was drunk but not stupidly so. Had a lovely evening anyway. In the car going back to her house she was asking if I set out to get drunk having only eaten 'a few chips'. I had got a little more drunk than I intended, but I wasn't OTT I don't think!

I slept over at the bestfriend's house and today it was her DH's birthday. We were going to leave before his family arrived but he DH very kindly said he would like us to stay.

First issue with food was this morning when I asked if DS and DD could have some breakfast, and a big issue was made about it being normal to have breakfast and how I should and I just felt totally got at.

Then bestfriend's DH's family arrived and we all went to the beach, both of my children swam and got quite cold. On the way back I bought chocolate and drinks for my two and her two children, as well as 8 beers, and bread and dips as my contribution to the food (all in all costing about £15 and being a bit of a mission around 3 different badly-stocked shops!).

All the adults were eating first, I didn't feel at ease at all for no real reason, so I just had a few crisps. Then people had cake and although the children hadn't eaten DD had two slices of cake. I asked if DS (aged 9) could have something to eat and my friend just said that he could have some cake, but he didn't want it because it had cream on it which makes him ill. So she said "Well, he can eat with you when you get home". I was so pissed off that I left immediately. On the way out I told her that was really mean to not let him have anything to eat, and she said it wasn't mean, and that she has been trying to get me to eat normally for ages. That may be so, and I do feel guilty for leaving her DH's birthday in a minor strop, but it seems totally unfair that DS was denied any food. As soon as we got in the car he said he was hungry and I am at home feeding him now, feeling bad that I seemingly pissed off my best friend, but also pissed off that DS was punished for something that I did, and that I struggle with.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2011 21:10

LikeandLove... Can you get to your GP and ask to be referred as an 'outpatient'? You really could do with some ongoing support with people who understand about your illness and living with the ongoing treatment for it.

I find that when I have something really involved to speak to the doctor about, I spend time beforehand putting it down on paper, in bulletpoints, then I go to my appointment, hand it to him and ask him to read it whilst I'm there. It saves a heap of time and you won't miss anything important.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2011 21:12

Posted too soon... I don't mean for your GP to talk to you, he/she won't have time and won't necessarily have the expertise, you need to be referred.

I really wish you well, and you WILL get well, you just need a bit of help. Get it, and don't take 'no' for an answer, you really need it.

CocktailQueen · 15/08/2011 21:18

You could have fed your ds the bread and dips - he's your responsibility not your friend's. Why were adults eating, not the kids? Maybe your friend just got fed up with you and snapped? It happens to the best of friends, esp if she perhaps feels that she gives more to you in the way of support than you do to her? Have you talked to her since?

MigratingCoconuts · 15/08/2011 21:26

Your posts throughout the thread do suggest that you are still very focussed on food all the time. It one of the things that makes your op quite difficult to follow.

I am sorry but I find it hard to believe that a bunch of adults would not ensure that all children were properly fed on a day out. This suggests to me that you are overly foccussed on food and that this has somehow led to a confusion between you and your friend over the feeding of your child.

I agree that a frank conversation with your friend would be helpful in trying to understand what happened.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/08/2011 21:28

sorry, a bit of x posting going on there Smile.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 21:35

Lying witch - I do think I need to talk with my GP anyway, but she never seems very keen to offer anything to me since I fucked up an appointment ages ago when I was really bad, but just went and lied that I was fine.

Thank you to everyone posting, it is good to get lots of perspectives.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 15/08/2011 21:46

Keep going back to your GP and saying things arent' working. After 18 months, I'm finally getting what feels like it might be a decent amount of support otherwise known as someone who is assessing me before we start treatment, and hasn't mentioned a time frame Hmm It has taken 5 different types of medication and DP kicking up a stink with the GP though Sad and isn't related to an eating disorder (I do empathise in a limited capacity, I have anxiety issues and stop eating when they flare up - that's horrible enough and it's only temporary!)

diddl · 16/08/2011 07:28

TBH, it sounds like a misunderstanding to me.

It seems as if you expected to be offered food whilst others were just helping themselves?

FellatioNelson · 16/08/2011 07:39
Confused

I have no fecking idea of what exactly has gone on here AT ALL, and cannot ascertain whether or not YABU. Sorry. Grin

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 07:41

No - the food was put away. She was getting food out for her children but not mine. It wasn't a misunderstanding.

OP posts:
diddl · 16/08/2011 07:52

OK, I´m lost-when the food was put out for the children-why did yours miss it?

And did you also put your food out?

It seems to me that your friend might be overly concerned about you passing your "food issues" to your children.

Yes, most people eat breakfast-I´m sure you know that.

Perhaps your friend expected you to ask what your children could have rather than if they could have something.

It seems as if she might be trying to hold back so that you become more assertive?

mumwat · 16/08/2011 07:54

I think you were behaving like a bit of a Diva, and if you are not the centre of attention you look for a situation to manipulate so you are. Alcohol seems to play a big part in your story too. You probably spoiled that little celebration , it is not all about you .Think about how this is shaping your son's attitude to food.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 07:57

The food was never put out for the children - I thought it was going to be but then I realised her DCs seemed to be getting there food straight from the fridge so I asked.

I do eat breakfast but I am really fussy about what I have, and the thing with breakfast yesterday is that she made it into an issue when I asked if my children could have some breakfast, I'm never going to ask for myself, not for a long time anyway, it would feel such a wrong thing to do, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't eat it.

OP posts:
Morloth · 16/08/2011 07:58

It sounds like a combination of misunderstandings, food issues, support, hangovers, kids, and a bit too much togetherness.

I also can't exactly figure out what is going on but if your friend is usually OK I wouldn't sweat it too much.

Honestly, it kind of sounds like she wanted you guys to go home and wasn't sure you were getting the hint. Sometimes I want people to go home but don't want to come right out and say it.

I remember one lunch where we had accidently ended up with something like 10 under 8s running around our house (we were the last of that group to have kids and didn't have any at the time). I had fed them lunch, and they had trashed my house and terrorised my cat and I just wanted them out so hadn't said anything about dessert/coffee. Just as they were starting to make rumblings about going DH the big knobhead said 'Hey! We haven't had those desserts you made yet, should I get them out?' I could have killed him, because of course then they lingered for another couple of hours...

Remember your friend is a normal human being and will have a tether to get to the end of.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 07:58

Oh and also it was the same as what happened later at breakfast she was saying if it is okay for you to miss breakfast then your DCs can miss breakfast too. Only she did then let them have breakfast, not say they have to wait until we get home like later.

OP posts:
Original poster
LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 08:02

Heh @ Morloth's DH! Usually she doesn't do subtle - she will quite happily say it is time to go now!

OP posts:
ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 16/08/2011 08:02

So next time, provide for your own children and pack food. Don't rely on unpredictable friends for anything basic, let them provide the cake and icecream.
You assembled a random collection of bits after trailing round three different, badly-stocked shops? Why not get sorted before hand?
At 9, your DS should be capable of making his own picnic.

Morloth · 16/08/2011 08:04

Who knows, maybe she had a headache.

But as I said, if she is usually supportive and a good friend just let it slide.

Your DS is OK, nothing too bad happened, he was just a bit hungry and you have sorted it now.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 08:06

P.O.G - We didn't know we were staying for her DH's birthday until that morning when we were at her house anyway.

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 16/08/2011 08:08

She does sound a bit Ott and odd herself!

diddl · 16/08/2011 08:10

I agree with Morloth-if she´s normally OK-put it to the side.

Was it planned for you to stay the night?

Just wondering why she asked if you planned to get drunk?

If the stay over was planned, maybe she didn´t want you there the next day?

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 16/08/2011 08:11

I'm not meaning to have a go, really. Because my son has SN, I tend to put some thought into being proactive about heading off trouble before it starts.
When he was 9, being hungry and not having the right sort of food would have triggered the onset of a meltdown and we would have had to leave immediately.
Having a couple of bread rolls and a lump of wensleydale and an apple would have meant all would be well.

MigratingCoconuts · 16/08/2011 08:19

at breakfast she was saying if it is okay for you to miss breakfast then your DCs can miss breakfast too

that smacks to me of someone who is finding your eating issues a struggle. She seems to be pointing out to me that it is quite definately not ok...for them or you.

How sure are you that you were welcome to stay? It sounds to me like veery little was actually planned and therefore all a bit make-and-do. Did she therefore expect you to feed your own children?

MigratingCoconuts · 16/08/2011 08:22

and I agree that alocohol is a bit of an issue here too. You had 2 bottles essentially between 2 of you. How much of this did you actually drink? On top of the fact that you had only really eaten a few chips.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 09:10

Yeah, that was what she was saying MC :-/

I did get a bit drunk, but drunk the same as our friend, and last time we went there we had 3 bottles between the three of us. The stay over was planned.

OP posts:
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