To think my son shouldn't be denied food? :(

[LikeAndLove]

Background to this is that I used to have a pretty awful eating disorder. With very little help, especially professional help, I have overcome this in the most part. However I do still really struggle to eat around other people. I am getting better at this, about this time last year I just couldn't eat in company at all, I thought I would choke and the thought of it made me panic completely. Now I can as long as I feel safe to which is pretty much determined by the food being easy to eat and familiar and being around people who don't know about the eating disorder, or if they do, that they make it feel okay. I am trying to get over this, I don't enjoy not being able to eat socially with ease.

Second bit of background is that it is only my bestfriend (and a few 'virtual friends' I met on 'pro ana' sites) who know the full extent of the eating disorder and the crap stuff in my life that kind of went with it. The best friend has generally been pretty amazing and supportive and put up with me sometimes being a real moron due to the weird way my head works.

Last night we both went out with another friend to Cafe Rouge. Her husband very kindly baby sat for my two. I ate about 2/3s of a bowl of chips before they went cold anyway. Chips are safe for me to eat and it was fine. We also had 2 bottles of wine between the 3 of us, my best friend only had one glass as she was driving, so I did have quite a bit to drink and was drunk but not stupidly so. Had a lovely evening anyway. In the car going back to her house she was asking if I set out to get drunk having only eaten 'a few chips'. I had got a little more drunk than I intended, but I wasn't OTT I don't think!

I slept over at the bestfriend's house and today it was her DH's birthday. We were going to leave before his family arrived but he DH very kindly said he would like us to stay.

First issue with food was this morning when I asked if DS and DD could have some breakfast, and a big issue was made about it being normal to have breakfast and how I should and I just felt totally got at.

Then bestfriend's DH's family arrived and we all went to the beach, both of my children swam and got quite cold. On the way back I bought chocolate and drinks for my two and her two children, as well as 8 beers, and bread and dips as my contribution to the food (all in all costing about £15 and being a bit of a mission around 3 different badly-stocked shops!).

All the adults were eating first, I didn't feel at ease at all for no real reason, so I just had a few crisps. Then people had cake and although the children hadn't eaten DD had two slices of cake. I asked if DS (aged 9) could have something to eat and my friend just said that he could have some cake, but he didn't want it because it had cream on it which makes him ill. So she said "Well, he can eat with you when you get home". I was so pissed off that I left immediately. On the way out I told her that was really mean to not let him have anything to eat, and she said it wasn't mean, and that she has been trying to get me to eat normally for ages. That may be so, and I do feel guilty for leaving her DH's birthday in a minor strop, but it seems totally unfair that DS was denied any food. As soon as we got in the car he said he was hungry and I am at home feeding him now, feeling bad that I seemingly pissed off my best friend, but also pissed off that DS was punished for something that I did, and that I struggle with.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Yes. We have finally got there. She was stasrving your children to show you that it is wrong to starve yourself.

Does your friend have a history of disordered eating or food issues too? Or is she just someone who means well but isn't an expert?
I think you kind of over-reacted but I think that's because you're not really very well and you should definitely seek further help.

Could be she didn´t want you at the b/day party.

But that aside, she seemed intent on picking you up on everything which can´t be helpful.

So the adults ate, & then had cake?

Children ate cake & were then due to have food?

So where was the food for your children & who was supposed to give it to them?

I think I can see how things got odd-I´m not all that good in such situations & tend to follow what others are doing.

But if there was no specific food for yours, at a friends house I would have asked & made at least toast/cheese on toast/a sandwich.

That was kind of her logic I think. I am not actually starving myself though, I just still find it hard to eat around people - especially when it gets made into such a big deal.
I am pissed off that DS got dragged into it, and that I spent £15 on food/drinks that none of us had any of. :(

"She was stasrving your children to show you that it is wrong to starve yourself."

I agree that that was the point she was making-although OP had bought food for the party, so why didn´t her children get any of that?

yes, the stay over was planned but then staying all next day...was that planned? it just doesn't sound that organised to me. Like it was made up as they went along.

If she had a hangover too, that would not have helped and it may have caused her to be snappy with you. I could imagine myself reacting like this if, for instance, I had spent the night before with you but had found the fact that you only ate some chips really difficult to deal with and had kept quiet due to the firendship. However, if the next day I had a hangover, I might well start snapping about it.

Its not a great response but it would be understandable imo. I really think the best thing to do would be to meet up and talk about it with her.

And go back to the doctor please! Just because you always drink that amount of wine with them doesn't make it right (esp with so little food) and you still didn't say how much of the quota you actually had. (sorry to push!)

LikeAndLove - I don't actually think YOU did anything wrong at all. She is your best friend - surely she knows that 2/3rds of a bowl of chips is pretty much all you'd eat going out and that you drink wine - getting a bit drunk was pretty inevitable (and I suspect hardly the first time it has happened! :) ) you haven't said that you were upchucking in her car or anything - so I assume not.

You asked if the kids could have breakfast - you shouldn't have needed to, it should have been offered to them and without any fuss about whether you ate or not and SHE should know you well enough to put stuff out for you and say - there's xyz there if you or the kids want some for breakfast and let you get on with it. It is rude, stupid and insensitive to make an issue of what you are or aren't eating and it is disgraceful to bring your kids into it (saying they don't need any if you don't).

You bought all of the children chocolate and drinks after the beach.

You bought 'share' food for later.

As for the food later - I am sure there was some way for you all to eat together and if not the children should have had theirs first (served to them so there was plenty left for the adults - not them helping themselves to all the nice things and leaving the boring things for the adults), but even done the other way around - it was beyond rude to give her children pasties and not offer them to yours - as for saying he can eat when he gets home - what the actual fuck was that all about??? Being your best friend - surely she would know he doesn't eat cream as well.

I would be really fucked off if it was my best friend - but then, she's loely and would never in a million years act like that.

I don't care if she is 'fed up' of your eating disorder or not - there is a time and a place to discuss that - taking it out on you and your kids when you are at their house is horrible.

You are doing really well - recovering from an ED is very very hard - and I don't think anything you did would have a negative impact on your children - I think you are doing very well with them & not making them funny about eating food in public etc I'm not sure why you got so many negative responses to be honest (other than it's a Monday morning in the long school holidays ).

Chin up - give her a bit of space and maybe talk to her about it in a few days x

Thanks ChippingIn. I can see why I pissed her off, but yeah, on the whole, and given that she knows I have these issues, it was all quite unreasonable, or so I thought.

MC - Two of us had exactly the same amount of wine from the two bottles, and one of us (my friend) had only one glass, so I had just less than one bottle. I rarely drink and was surprised when the second bottle was ordered really, but if I had left only one of us to drink the bottle by herself I think that would have been awkward for her. And I wasn't being sick or doing anything daft.

hi chipping (waves) good to see you are back...

I hope I am not coming across as negative but I just find it really hard to imagine any adults with children not catering for the children. that just seems so

I'm just speculating about other interpretations of what might have happened.

The only way to know for sure is by asking the best friend what was going on from her point of view...

ok, fair enough on the drinking...just trying to unpick a bit to try to understand.

will leave you now. Hope you get it sorted.

Sorry I didn't read this properly last night and didn't see the bit about breakfast. Not offering your children breakfast is really odd. Do you think she thought that if she denied your DC food, then the scales would fall from your eyes and you would realise that you have an ED?

MC - Hi to you too :) It's always nice to have been missed!

LikeAndLove - I don't see what you did to piss her off - what do you think you did?

The context for this is a birthday party, for adults and children, after a day out at the beach. I visualise it as being informal and slightly chaotic, everyone mucking in.
Your friend has a much more casual relationship with food than you do. Maybe she expected you to help yourself and sort your son out? She was probably busy, with a houseful.
What happened to your son wasn't a big deal. He's 9, so he can wait a little while; or you could have cut the cream off his slice of cake; or you could have taken some of the stuff you provided.
Your reaction is not helping him to develop a relaxed attitude around food, which hopefully is what you are working towards.

Sounds awful for you op so I'm just trying to get a feel for her actions. Hosting a party, having DH's relations AND having extra guests, one of whom has food issues, sounds quite stressful, especially with a hangover! She was maybe thinking that after your comment to someone about eating later that you were intending to go home for a family meal and so just offering cake to DS would mean it wouldn't spoil his appetite. I think it's good you have apologised, by leaving suddenly would have upset her and it sounds like she has a lot of understanding of you, and on this one occasion where she had a lot to think about, you still expected her to be thinking about your family's requirements and left when she wasn't.

Just not eat I suppose CI! I think it is pissing her off. She always says how it is normal to eat in company, and that it is rude and insulting not to eat, but from the breakfast thing when I asked if the DCs could have something to eat, I was told by her that I wouldn't be eating! I know that my issues are not her reponsibilty and mostly she is supportive and doesn't freak out, tell me to fuck off, ignore me etc as some people would, but she had guests and I don't expect it to be pointed out really, it was something I was struggling with, that I had used drinking as a reason for with her family, and that my DCs didn't need to be brought into. :-/

I didn't ever say we were eating later though. I told her MIL that I was not eating due to drinking the night before. But otherwise you are quite right Hocus.

You do sound a bit like hard work OP. That's OK and a good friend would support you.

But sometimes people have bad days, sometimes people get fed up with people they love, sometimes people say and do stupid things when they are a bit fed up.

What do you want to happen from here?

Just remember, there are thousands of children world- wide who would love to have the opportunity to eat cake ,with or without cream. Get a grip and stop so much navel gazing.

I know Morloth, you are right. I suppose I just want to know that wont happen again with the DCs being dragged into it. I don't really want to spend money on food/drink to share that none of us have any of again either, although I can in my mind kind of think that yesterday's spending was her DHs birthday present...or something... :-/

How come your children didn´t get any of the food you bought?

I don't know what you want to hear. But I suspect that if you bring this up with her it will not go well.

You need to decide whether this is important enough for you to raise and run the risk of losing her as a friend, because rightly or wrongly she may have had enough of your issues. Or just letting it slide and moving on. OR you could not say anything and not really think of her as a friend anymore.

We can't tell you whether it will happen again. Spending money on food and drink and not getting any of it happens sometimes in groups. You have to be more forthright.

Because it was put away for the cake or something, or all eaten by the adults, I don't really know. But when I asked for them that is when I got the answer about them eating at home.

Sorry - don't know where I got that from! I've just read my post back and I hope I don't come across as mean - I was trying to see it from her point, not get at you.

Finally everyone gets to the point I was at after the first post!

Why has the OP been so slated? She was put in a horrible position by someone she thought she could trust, who used her child as a pawn in that.

How are you supposed to plan for and provide a picnic when your invitation is extended at the last minute? Hawking round shops to find bread and dips sounds like the best I'd do under the circumstances.

And who stays over at someone's house and then doesn't get told where the tea, coffee, milk and cereal is?

OP, keep hassling your doc. I won't repeat what I said upthread, but you do need to be a squeaky wheel in order to get oiled

Completely confused by this. Completely and absolutely confused.

If the other children were eating pasties then why didn't your DS have one of those? If you had bought breadsticks and hummous then why not give your DS some of those? Why is it your friend's fault that your son didn't eat when you had bought food that he could have eaten?

It sounds like you've confused her reaction towards you and turned it into something to do with your DS - especially since her comment to you was about you and not him. I can't imagine any one telling one child he can't have a pasty or something to eat when their own children are eating pasties. It makes no sense, sorry.