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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son shouldn't be denied food? :(

146 replies

LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 18:13

Background to this is that I used to have a pretty awful eating disorder. With very little help, especially professional help, I have overcome this in the most part. However I do still really struggle to eat around other people. I am getting better at this, about this time last year I just couldn't eat in company at all, I thought I would choke and the thought of it made me panic completely. Now I can as long as I feel safe to which is pretty much determined by the food being easy to eat and familiar and being around people who don't know about the eating disorder, or if they do, that they make it feel okay. I am trying to get over this, I don't enjoy not being able to eat socially with ease.

Second bit of background is that it is only my bestfriend (and a few 'virtual friends' I met on 'pro ana' sites) who know the full extent of the eating disorder and the crap stuff in my life that kind of went with it. The best friend has generally been pretty amazing and supportive and put up with me sometimes being a real moron due to the weird way my head works.

Last night we both went out with another friend to Cafe Rouge. Her husband very kindly baby sat for my two. I ate about 2/3s of a bowl of chips before they went cold anyway. Chips are safe for me to eat and it was fine. We also had 2 bottles of wine between the 3 of us, my best friend only had one glass as she was driving, so I did have quite a bit to drink and was drunk but not stupidly so. Had a lovely evening anyway. In the car going back to her house she was asking if I set out to get drunk having only eaten 'a few chips'. I had got a little more drunk than I intended, but I wasn't OTT I don't think!

I slept over at the bestfriend's house and today it was her DH's birthday. We were going to leave before his family arrived but he DH very kindly said he would like us to stay.

First issue with food was this morning when I asked if DS and DD could have some breakfast, and a big issue was made about it being normal to have breakfast and how I should and I just felt totally got at.

Then bestfriend's DH's family arrived and we all went to the beach, both of my children swam and got quite cold. On the way back I bought chocolate and drinks for my two and her two children, as well as 8 beers, and bread and dips as my contribution to the food (all in all costing about £15 and being a bit of a mission around 3 different badly-stocked shops!).

All the adults were eating first, I didn't feel at ease at all for no real reason, so I just had a few crisps. Then people had cake and although the children hadn't eaten DD had two slices of cake. I asked if DS (aged 9) could have something to eat and my friend just said that he could have some cake, but he didn't want it because it had cream on it which makes him ill. So she said "Well, he can eat with you when you get home". I was so pissed off that I left immediately. On the way out I told her that was really mean to not let him have anything to eat, and she said it wasn't mean, and that she has been trying to get me to eat normally for ages. That may be so, and I do feel guilty for leaving her DH's birthday in a minor strop, but it seems totally unfair that DS was denied any food. As soon as we got in the car he said he was hungry and I am at home feeding him now, feeling bad that I seemingly pissed off my best friend, but also pissed off that DS was punished for something that I did, and that I struggle with.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP posts:

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 16/08/2011 10:32

I'm not meaning to give anyone a hard time PP, but I know what it is like to be a family that are difficult to accommodate, and how wearing it can be to those friends I have who have remained friends despite the extra demands of having a child with SN puts on the friendship.
I would hate to see a vulnerable individual lose a much-needed friend over something that could have been planned for.
Sadly, if you are 'hard work' for whatever reason, it is easy for others to marginalise you and stop trying if it's more than they are prepared to deal with.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 10:36

I think your friend was inwardly seething that you stayed on as a guest when she had to cater for her husbands family for his birthday. He might have invited you to be polite, but imagined you would thank him kindly for the invite but really go home.

The only reason you were there was because her husband had kindly babysat your children so you could enjoy an evening out, in their house I gather. Your friend was put out that you got drunk, and that she was asked to provide breakfast for all, and then food for your kids later on. Why could you not just get up and help your kids to breakfast? And why could YOU not just step in and get food for your own children, when it was out? Did she really have to do that? Could you not been more of a friend and helped, rather than act as a guest?

I think it boils down to the fact that she was upset that you got drunk when staying at her house. She didnt, because she was driving. Then she was asked to provide breakfast. Then you stayed on, and expected to be waited on with regards to food. I bet she was thinking "If she is so uncomfortable around us that she cant eat, why the fuck can she just not go home rather than sit here and demand I also feed her kids!?" Or something to that effect.

I hope you do manage to find some help. They are YOUR issues, and your friends cannot be expected to work around them for you, you have to do that yourself.

diddl · 16/08/2011 10:38

Yes, the whole thing is confusing.

OP wanted to give her children breakfast-surely that´s a good thing whether or not she was also going to have any.

I´m sure there have been times when mine have eaten b/fast & I´ve just sat with them with a cup of tea.

The dishing out food & not taking children into account-very weird.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 10:41

The ops friend was rather nastily trying to make the point that neither of them should be there, but op was not taking this poignant point.

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 10:45

Quintessential - when she has wanted us to leave she always just says so!

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 10:47

What?

You mean you are often at her house and when she has had enough of your company she just says "Right, LikeAndLove, could you please leave now?"

diddl · 16/08/2011 10:49

You could be right Quint-it s´does seem that some rather pointed remarks were made.

Me, I´m odd-if I don´t want someone there, I don´t invite them, though-I don´t invite hoping that they´ll say no

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 10:49

Haha, not as much now, as she has moved half an hour away, but she used to live next to the stables where I kept my horse and she has said that then! Not rudely, just straightforwardly.

OP posts:

Morloth · 16/08/2011 10:51

People are not always reasonable though.

Perhaps the friend was just a bit annoyed about the drinking, perhaps she was cranky that morning for some other reason, perhaps her DH asked the OP to stay without checking with her, perhaps perhaps perhaps.

Slack needs to be cut both ways in relationships. The OP can't expect continuous support but not be prepared for people to sometimes mess up themselves.

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 10:54

I agree Morloth. I don't expect continuous support, I like to hope that sometimes - such as the situation yesterday, that nothing would be made of my weird eating habits and it would all be ignored. I am quite worried that I was inadvertantly rude, and that I went OTT leaving in a stress. It is the bringing DS into it that made me mad, but I am also worried that I pissed off my bestfriend and her DH :(

OP posts:

encyclogirl · 16/08/2011 10:55

OP, really struggling to understand why you didn't just feed your own dc?

You're really old friends, could you not have just taken care of that yourself? You could have said, "I'm just gonna grab some of that food I bought earlier for ds"

You did say in your first post that the dh kindly invited you to stay. I wonder if your friend wanted you to stay also?

Morloth · 16/08/2011 10:58

It doesn't have to be a big deal now though, just put it down to a mistake and forget about it.

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 10:59

Yeah, thinking about it now I should have just asked for some bread and dips for my two before we ate, as they hadn't eaten anything other than chocolate for a while. But it was all awkward with her DH's family there, not the same as it would be if it was just us there, and that is fine. I did feel a bit like we were the 'extras' and I was intending to leave just as soon as my children had some food anyway.

I do also feel bad that they had asked me to take a family photo for them as they were all together, and I didn't get to do that for them. I feel guilty about lots of yesterday.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 11:02

Give your friend a call, and talk about it. (dont text!!) Just call her. Tell her how you fea!

hocuspontas · 16/08/2011 11:04

Another hypothesis. She brought along specific food for her dcs' lunch, not yours because she hadn't planned for them. You went to the shops earlier, she assumed you had bought something for your dc, she was then exasperated that you were expecting her to provide food for your children when it probably hadn't occurred to her that they hadn't eaten. Maybe then thought, unconsciously with everything else going on, that your eating issues meant that you hadn't considered them when you were getting the nibbles earlier and expected her to find something. Hence her snappiness.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 11:08

Does your own food issues impact on your children?
Are they fed in a normal manner?

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 11:08

Eek - I have already texted!!!

Hocus - She knew it was food to share. I wish I had just bought them a sandwich or something now :(

OP posts:

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 11:09

Yeah - they are fed normally! I eat normally too these days for the most part, it is only in company that I struggle.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 11:13

Well, follow your text up with a phone call!

encyclogirl · 16/08/2011 11:15

OP, examine your conscience here for a minute. Are you the type of guest who asks your host to sort out meals for you if they're not forthcoming, or do you just pitch in and help?

It might be a very simple issue of your friend having her hands full entertaining her dh's family, and rather than help her, you might have been expecting her to put food in front of you and yours too.

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 11:15

I'll try and call in my lunch break. Am covertly MNing at work :-/ :)

OP posts:

Blethermouse · 16/08/2011 11:21

you sound a bit demanding and difficult, and expecting way too much from your friend... for whatever reason, sorry, but she was a bit fed up with you sounds like you overstayed your welcome and made a fuss about everything.

They looked after your kids at their house, drove you to and from your night out,put you up for the night,stayed sober while you got drunk, invited you for a family do because you were still there[otherwise they would have invited you before] ..
you are taking advantage of her big time, you need to even it out

Original poster

LikeAndLove · 16/08/2011 11:24

I think I do quite a lot of things for her too, I have given her DCs lifts, taken her DD riding etc, and would always be happy to do anything to help them actually. I wasn't taking advantage of the situation, there was no advantage to be taken if that makes sense!? The night out was arranged and we could have got a bus but my friend didn't want to drink.

OP posts:

TandB · 16/08/2011 11:27

I think you might be reading way too much into this, OP. I wouldn't necessarily think that this has anything whatsoever to do with your eating difficulties. It sounds more like a misunderstanding, perhaps compounded by a bit of hungover grumpiness and possibly a feeling that you had overstayed/not been helpful enough.

We all have those irrational moments when someone else hasn't really done anything wrong but somehow we are offended anyway. This rather reads to me like a bit of that on both sides - perhaps her irrationally feeling hard-done-by being expected to make food arrangements for someone else's children while hungover and looking after her own children, and you feeling hard-done-by with not being catered for appropriately as a guest and being hungover.

I still don't properly understand the chronology of the "eating events" but it doesn't seem to me that there was anything preventing you from simply saying, at some point in proceedings, "I am going to give my kids some bread and dips from the food I bought". I think you have over-reacted and assumed some dark ulterior motive.

squidsgirl · 16/08/2011 11:41

I know what it's like to be around someone with food issues and although I like to feel that 99% of the time I am very patient and understanding there are times that I have become very frustrated and snapped.

It sounds like you are in child mode with this friend and she is the parent, the fact that you couldn't just quietly sort some food out for your ds but needed to ask permission to feed him further suggests this.

I do think you need some further help with this issue and of course you already know that your dcs will be picking up this unhealthy attitude with food.

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